boyfriend ok with my sleeping with others at uni !?!?
Scroll to see replies
Original post by Huskaris
This. I think there's a big clue he needs to grow a pair by the fact he is going to drama school.
YEAH THAT'S RIGHT. NEG ME.
YEAH THAT'S RIGHT. NEG ME.
Yeah he's such a drama queen.
Couldn't resist
Original post by Anonymous
I think I will ask him about it. Please also read my other responses.
Yeah I think definitely talk to him and get him to be honest with you about his intentions behind it, to be honest though if I had a girlfriend and she said that to me, I'd still feel too guilty about having an ONS with someone and I think that might happen here given your personalities.
Original post by Anonymous
He does feel that way. He's even told my parents that one of the reasons that he didn't ask me out was because he thought I was out of his league, which is utter nonsense.
Thanks
This is probably the best response 
I do take answers on here with a pinch of salt and ignore silly people. Half of them are probably 12 year olds who have never had a serious relationship and just jump on the 'dump him, he wants to sleep around to' bandwagon.
It's probably a combo of 3.4.5 ... I think I will talk to him about it ... Like I said, he doubts he is good in bed. But to me he's good. But because I've got nooone else to compare it to, he thinks that he is rubbish. But then surely, he wouldn't want me to sleep with others and then realise he is rubbish. He would want me to keep thinking he's good. Which is why it's confusing.
Thanks
This is probably the best response I do take answers on here with a pinch of salt and ignore silly people. Half of them are probably 12 year olds who have never had a serious relationship and just jump on the 'dump him, he wants to sleep around to' bandwagon. It's probably a combo of 3.4.5 ... I think I will talk to him about it ... Like I said, he doubts he is good in bed. But to me he's good. But because I've got nooone else to compare it to, he thinks that he is rubbish. But then surely, he wouldn't want me to sleep with others and then realise he is rubbish. He would want me to keep thinking he's good. Which is why it's confusing.
How was my reply silly? I never said to 'dump him' and I said the same as what everybody else was saying. I am 18 and have been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years. I wouldn't reply if I genuinely didn't want to help you out.
Original post by FanTesticles
Well his self-esteem needs to be built up. I'm not sure you can completely fix that by yourself. Maybe he should do something like acting classes to build up his confidence? I'm not too sure.
He's going to drama school in october ...
Original post by emmajade95
How was my reply silly? I never said to 'dump him' and I said the same as what everybody else was saying. I am 18 and have been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years. I wouldn't reply if I genuinely didn't want to help you out.
I didn't specify that yours was. I said 'half the people on this thread ...'
Original post by Foo.mp3
I encouraged my ex to be open to exploring relationships with other people, particularly after I left for uni:
...
...
Thats interesting to hear. But our relationship didn't start like that. I was 17, he 16. We didn't know how far we'd get
or how long the relationship would last.Original post by Anythingoo1
Yeah I think definitely talk to him and get him to be honest with you about his intentions behind it, to be honest though if I had a girlfriend and she said that to me, I'd still feel too guilty about having an ONS with someone and I think that might happen here given your personalities.
Original post by gman10
I think he is saying this to you to make it look okay for him to do the same.
To both of you: I told him that I wouldn't do it and wouldn't be happy with him doing it. He's said in the past that he wouldn't and I believe him. Like I said to someone else, his mum is a catholic, if he got me pregnant at present she'd flip out, she'd kill him if he said he was still going out with me, slept with someone else and got them pregnant and he's always really careful about that with me.
Original post by Anonymous
He's going to drama school in october
well then just give it time. Nothing you can do for now. Sometimes its better to know when to do nothing.
Original post by MancBoy
He is either insecure, a cuckold or he wants to have an excuse to mess around at uni too. I think it's the latter.
It's obviously the latter. I can't believe people are assuming anything else.
He's half-arsed about the relationship, he wants to have opportunities at uni but he does want the OP to fall back on once he's done / if he doesn't get with anyone.
There is also a chance he doesn't want to be in the relationship and wants to be single, but doesn't have the balls to come out and say it,.
Either way, the motivation is that he too can sleep around, not the fact that he is interested in the OP getting around. If he was insecure but truly infatuated, he'd be nervous about her getting around, but he wouldn't 'allow' it. The only real reason behind it is having an 'open relationship' while at uni and explore his options.
(edited 10 years ago)
Original post by Millie228
It's obviously the latter. I can't believe people are assuming anything else.
He's half-arsed about the relationship, he wants to have opportunities at uni but he does want the OP to fall back on once he's done / if he doesn't get with anyone.
There is also a chance he doesn't want to be in the relationship and wants to be single, but doesn't have the balls to come out and say it,.
Either way, the motivation is that he too can sleep around, not the fact that he is interested in the OP getting around. If he was insecure but truly infatuated, he'd be nervous about her getting around, but he wouldn't 'allow' it. The only real reason behind it is having an 'open relationship' while at uni and explore his options.
He's half-arsed about the relationship, he wants to have opportunities at uni but he does want the OP to fall back on once he's done / if he doesn't get with anyone.
There is also a chance he doesn't want to be in the relationship and wants to be single, but doesn't have the balls to come out and say it,.
Either way, the motivation is that he too can sleep around, not the fact that he is interested in the OP getting around. If he was insecure but truly infatuated, he'd be nervous about her getting around, but he wouldn't 'allow' it. The only real reason behind it is having an 'open relationship' while at uni and explore his options.
Couldn't agree more!
He's obviously got it stuck in his head that his only real option's, let her mess about with other lads and hope it doesn't get serious or lose her anyway.
In some respects he'd probably have preferred she'd taken up on the offer.
weird as it sounds, at least then he'd have felt a certain sense of security,
and people with self-esteem issues do seem to have this real masochistic streak,
where they'll not only torture themselves but also try and draw others into participating.
Cos chances are, even if she were to spends hours and hours trying to set him straight, he'll spin it that;
She's just too nice and sticking with him out of a sense of duty, thus he'll feel really guilty and unworthy.
Or
She's only settled for him because she doesn't realize how attractive she is but once she's at uni there'll be lad's queuing up to open her eyes and it's only a matter of time before she gives in.
...While ever he's got that mind-set, it is a no win situation,
Sounds pretty drastic, but probably the best thing is to suggest he does get a bit of therapy or something to help deal with these issues.
Otherwise with all the best intentions, probably will become a self fulfilling prophecy....
In some respects he'd probably have preferred she'd taken up on the offer.
weird as it sounds, at least then he'd have felt a certain sense of security,
and people with self-esteem issues do seem to have this real masochistic streak,
where they'll not only torture themselves but also try and draw others into participating.
Cos chances are, even if she were to spends hours and hours trying to set him straight, he'll spin it that;
She's just too nice and sticking with him out of a sense of duty, thus he'll feel really guilty and unworthy.
Or
She's only settled for him because she doesn't realize how attractive she is but once she's at uni there'll be lad's queuing up to open her eyes and it's only a matter of time before she gives in.
...While ever he's got that mind-set, it is a no win situation,
Sounds pretty drastic, but probably the best thing is to suggest he does get a bit of therapy or something to help deal with these issues.
Otherwise with all the best intentions, probably will become a self fulfilling prophecy....
(edited 10 years ago)
Original post by Millie228
It's obviously the latter. I can't believe people are assuming anything else.
He's half-arsed about the relationship, he wants to have opportunities at uni but he does want the OP to fall back on once he's done / if he doesn't get with anyone.
There is also a chance he doesn't want to be in the relationship and wants to be single, but doesn't have the balls to come out and say it,.
Either way, the motivation is that he too can sleep around, not the fact that he is interested in the OP getting around. If he was insecure but truly infatuated, he'd be nervous about her getting around, but he wouldn't 'allow' it. The only real reason behind it is having an 'open relationship' while at uni and explore his options.
He's half-arsed about the relationship, he wants to have opportunities at uni but he does want the OP to fall back on once he's done / if he doesn't get with anyone.
There is also a chance he doesn't want to be in the relationship and wants to be single, but doesn't have the balls to come out and say it,.
Either way, the motivation is that he too can sleep around, not the fact that he is interested in the OP getting around. If he was insecure but truly infatuated, he'd be nervous about her getting around, but he wouldn't 'allow' it. The only real reason behind it is having an 'open relationship' while at uni and explore his options.
I agree but like most girls in relationships OP will never accept this. The truth hurts.
Original post by Millie228
It's obviously the latter. I can't believe people are assuming anything else.
He's half-arsed about the relationship, he wants to have opportunities at uni but he does want the OP to fall back on once he's done / if he doesn't get with anyone.
He's half-arsed about the relationship, he wants to have opportunities at uni but he does want the OP to fall back on once he's done / if he doesn't get with anyone.
For that to be true he'd have to be pretty selfish, in which case..why not just cheat on her?
Makes no sense...
Why would any guy be prepared to sit in his room, knowing full well at that very minutehis girl could be doing god knows what with god knows who, unless he truly believed he was probably never going to find anyone else.
( I know, if I were in that situation.... I'd take my chances)
(edited 10 years ago)
This is all a bit silly.
We don't know enough about the people concerned to know if it is merely a self-esteem thing, and excuse, or something more genuine. It could well be the former.
However, please consider that he could be being very genuine, decent and open. Some people simply don't have a problem being in open relationships, and that's OK. Others might not understand, but everyone has different ways of relating to sex and relationships. Blanket statements like 'all guys want this', 'most girls will never accept it' etc etc, are flat out incorrect.
I've been in a relationship for four years, and when we both go to university this autumn, we have mutual permission to sleep with other people. So long as we are self aware and communicate properly, I'm sure we'll be fine. I don't even know if it's something I'm going to pursue - I'm very happy with my relationship - but seeing as we are both young, and also want to stay together, it seems like the best way to deal with the situation. Some people might not understand that, but I'm talking to the OP - there are guys out there who would say something like that for honest, genuine reasons. I don't know if your boyfriend is one of them, because I don't know him, but you do and you have to make that judgement call.
So OP - talk to your boyfriend. Maybe re-evaluate the way your relationship works. Relationships change as people change and learn more about each other, and that's fine. I know it sounds a bit silly, but try making a Want/Will/Won't list for your whole relationship. It's a good way to work out what you both want and you can use it for pretty much anything. However, if you think it does come from a deep seated self-esteem issue, do not take him up on the offer. You will have to do more work on the relationship or give it up if the problems are too great.
Good luck
We don't know enough about the people concerned to know if it is merely a self-esteem thing, and excuse, or something more genuine. It could well be the former.
However, please consider that he could be being very genuine, decent and open. Some people simply don't have a problem being in open relationships, and that's OK. Others might not understand, but everyone has different ways of relating to sex and relationships. Blanket statements like 'all guys want this', 'most girls will never accept it' etc etc, are flat out incorrect.
I've been in a relationship for four years, and when we both go to university this autumn, we have mutual permission to sleep with other people. So long as we are self aware and communicate properly, I'm sure we'll be fine. I don't even know if it's something I'm going to pursue - I'm very happy with my relationship - but seeing as we are both young, and also want to stay together, it seems like the best way to deal with the situation. Some people might not understand that, but I'm talking to the OP - there are guys out there who would say something like that for honest, genuine reasons. I don't know if your boyfriend is one of them, because I don't know him, but you do and you have to make that judgement call.
So OP - talk to your boyfriend. Maybe re-evaluate the way your relationship works. Relationships change as people change and learn more about each other, and that's fine. I know it sounds a bit silly, but try making a Want/Will/Won't list for your whole relationship. It's a good way to work out what you both want and you can use it for pretty much anything. However, if you think it does come from a deep seated self-esteem issue, do not take him up on the offer. You will have to do more work on the relationship or give it up if the problems are too great.
Good luck
Anon, I'm in an open relationship with my boyfriend, and I can talk to you about it in private chat if you want. Send me a message
If my boyfriend said this to me then I would instantly assume that he was giving me 'permission' to f*ck whoever I want (why would you want to if you are in a loving, committed relationship?) because that's what he intends to do. Ask him outright why exactly he doesn't mind if you go off with other men. Maybe he has low self-esteem but so have a lot of people and they don't push their girlfriend's into having a supposedly open relationship.
Original post by Triple-Sod
For that to be true he'd have to be pretty selfish, in which case..why not just cheat on her?
Makes no sense...
Why would any guy be prepared to sit in his room, knowing full well at that very minutehis girl could be doing god knows what with god knows who, unless he truly believed he was probably never going to find anyone else.
( I know, if I were in that situation.... I'd take my chances)
Makes no sense...
Why would any guy be prepared to sit in his room, knowing full well at that very minutehis girl could be doing god knows what with god knows who, unless he truly believed he was probably never going to find anyone else.
( I know, if I were in that situation.... I'd take my chances)
Because it's much easier, not to mention morally, to sleep around if she does too - or hopefully come to an agreement that they're in an open relationship, so that he doesn't have to go behind her back. Most people would rather find an alternate solution to get laid before cheating - and he comes across as a better guy than a cheater (look at all the "oh he's probably just insecure" responses). He's probably ambivalent about the relationship to begin with.
(edited 10 years ago)
I've had mates in the past who've cheated on their lass and always thought they were b@stards for it, but to be honest if they'd done what you'd suggested I wouldn't have found it moral or even better, just much more....slimy and manipulative.
(edited 10 years ago)
Original post by Anonymous
I've been with my boyfriend for over two years. In september I'll be off to uni (portsmouth) and he'll be at a drama school (London).
Yesterday, he said something very strange .. that he wouldn't mind me sleeping with other people at uni! As long as I don't get pregnant or diseased.
His reasoning: that if I go back to him during holidays and after uni, then it means that I still love him and didn't find anyone that I love more/is better in bed. I can't remember his precise words, but it was something along those lines!
I was a surprised by this and said that I wouldn't anyway. I'm not the kind of person to have one night stands and I don't want to/think I could find anyone else to love like I do him. We were each others firsts and we both have confidence/self esteem issues and both think each other are silly for being so !
Has anyone else been in this situation ?
What should I say, I hope I made it clear that I wouldnt sleep with anyone else if we were still together. Or should I just leave it at that ?
Yesterday, he said something very strange .. that he wouldn't mind me sleeping with other people at uni! As long as I don't get pregnant or diseased.
His reasoning: that if I go back to him during holidays and after uni, then it means that I still love him and didn't find anyone that I love more/is better in bed. I can't remember his precise words, but it was something along those lines!
I was a surprised by this and said that I wouldn't anyway. I'm not the kind of person to have one night stands and I don't want to/think I could find anyone else to love like I do him. We were each others firsts and we both have confidence/self esteem issues and both think each other are silly for being so !
Has anyone else been in this situation ?
What should I say, I hope I made it clear that I wouldnt sleep with anyone else if we were still together. Or should I just leave it at that ?
maybe it's so that when he gets with other girls at uni, he can say he told you that you could do the same.
Original post by Triple-Sod
He's obviously got it stuck in his head that his only real option's, let her mess about with other lads and hope it doesn't get serious or lose her anyway.
In some respects he'd probably have preferred she'd taken up on the offer.
weird as it sounds, at least then he'd have felt a certain sense of security,
and people with self-esteem issues do seem to have this real masochistic streak,
where they'll not only torture themselves but also try and draw others into participating.
Cos chances are, even if she were to spends hours and hours trying to set him straight, he'll spin it that;
She's just too nice and sticking with him out of a sense of duty, thus he'll feel really guilty and unworthy.
Or
She's only settled for him because she doesn't realize how attractive she is but once she's at uni there'll be lad's queuing up to open her eyes and it's only a matter of time before she gives in.
...While ever he's got that mind-set, it is a no win situation,
Sounds pretty drastic, but probably the best thing is to suggest he does get a bit of therapy or something to help deal with these issues.
Otherwise with all the best intentions, probably will become a self fulfilling prophecy....
In some respects he'd probably have preferred she'd taken up on the offer.
weird as it sounds, at least then he'd have felt a certain sense of security,
and people with self-esteem issues do seem to have this real masochistic streak,
where they'll not only torture themselves but also try and draw others into participating.
Cos chances are, even if she were to spends hours and hours trying to set him straight, he'll spin it that;
She's just too nice and sticking with him out of a sense of duty, thus he'll feel really guilty and unworthy.
Or
She's only settled for him because she doesn't realize how attractive she is but once she's at uni there'll be lad's queuing up to open her eyes and it's only a matter of time before she gives in.
...While ever he's got that mind-set, it is a no win situation,
Sounds pretty drastic, but probably the best thing is to suggest he does get a bit of therapy or something to help deal with these issues.
Otherwise with all the best intentions, probably will become a self fulfilling prophecy....
He's said words to this effect before ... But it's not true. I'm fat, not pretty (I wouldn't say Im butt ugly, but i'm not pretty either) and never had guys interested in me at school, let alone ask me out. Like I said, we both have esteem issues, although I think his are worse. He's said that he wouldn't sleep around and said that even if he wanted to, he wouldn't find anyone who would want to with him.
Original post by thinginthewood
This is all a bit silly.
We don't know enough about the people concerned to know if it is merely a self-esteem thing, and excuse, or something more genuine. It could well be the former.
However, please consider that he could be being very genuine, decent and open. Some people simply don't have a problem being in open relationships, and that's OK. Others might not understand, but everyone has different ways of relating to sex and relationships. Blanket statements like 'all guys want this', 'most girls will never accept it' etc etc, are flat out incorrect.
I've been in a relationship for four years, and when we both go to university this autumn, we have mutual permission to sleep with other people. So long as we are self aware and communicate properly, I'm sure we'll be fine. I don't even know if it's something I'm going to pursue - I'm very happy with my relationship - but seeing as we are both young, and also want to stay together, it seems like the best way to deal with the situation. Some people might not understand that, but I'm talking to the OP - there are guys out there who would say something like that for honest, genuine reasons. I don't know if your boyfriend is one of them, because I don't know him, but you do and you have to make that judgement call.
So OP - talk to your boyfriend. Maybe re-evaluate the way your relationship works. Relationships change as people change and learn more about each other, and that's fine. I know it sounds a bit silly, but try making a Want/Will/Won't list for your whole relationship. It's a good way to work out what you both want and you can use it for pretty much anything. However, if you think it does come from a deep seated self-esteem issue, do not take him up on the offer. You will have to do more work on the relationship or give it up if the problems are too great.
Good luck
We don't know enough about the people concerned to know if it is merely a self-esteem thing, and excuse, or something more genuine. It could well be the former.
However, please consider that he could be being very genuine, decent and open. Some people simply don't have a problem being in open relationships, and that's OK. Others might not understand, but everyone has different ways of relating to sex and relationships. Blanket statements like 'all guys want this', 'most girls will never accept it' etc etc, are flat out incorrect.
I've been in a relationship for four years, and when we both go to university this autumn, we have mutual permission to sleep with other people. So long as we are self aware and communicate properly, I'm sure we'll be fine. I don't even know if it's something I'm going to pursue - I'm very happy with my relationship - but seeing as we are both young, and also want to stay together, it seems like the best way to deal with the situation. Some people might not understand that, but I'm talking to the OP - there are guys out there who would say something like that for honest, genuine reasons. I don't know if your boyfriend is one of them, because I don't know him, but you do and you have to make that judgement call.
So OP - talk to your boyfriend. Maybe re-evaluate the way your relationship works. Relationships change as people change and learn more about each other, and that's fine. I know it sounds a bit silly, but try making a Want/Will/Won't list for your whole relationship. It's a good way to work out what you both want and you can use it for pretty much anything. However, if you think it does come from a deep seated self-esteem issue, do not take him up on the offer. You will have to do more work on the relationship or give it up if the problems are too great.
Good luck
Thanks
one of the most sensibe answers. I know I haven't/can't tell you every aspect of the relationship and our personalities, and knew I'd get a load of people assuming he's only said it so he can sleep around to. I always take answers with a pinch of salt, especially as you don't know who's answering. I can judge from your response without you have mnetioning about being in a relationship for 4 years and going to uni, that you're 10x more mature and genuine than most the people who have replied so far.He's said that he wouldn't sleep around and said that even if he wanted to, he wouldn't find anyone who would want to with him.
It's a possibility, but highly unlikely, and I'm the only one on this forun that knows him well enough to know it won't happen.
Original post by superxo2
maybe it's so that when he gets with other girls at uni, he can say he told you that you could do the same.
This kind of response isn't useful, and is about the 10th I've recieved so far. He's said before that he wouldn't. And even if he wanted, that he doesn't think he would sleep with anyone else. He didn't have the confidence to ask me out and his self esteem is almost as low as when we met. He never chat me up, we only ever talked as friends before we were going out, and doesn't know what to say to girls in that kind of situation. Honestly, it's cute/funny some of the sexy talk he comes out with. If he said similar stuff to try and chat someone up with they;d be like O.o
:k: 
:vroom:He's just asking that because he wants to do the same thing in London.
Break up with him or compromise.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Break up with him or compromise.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Quick Reply
Related discussions
- is it selfish of me
- Parents won't let bf stay the night
- ex boyfriend advice
- Relationship advice - breaking up before uni and expecting to just move on?
- My bf friend
- Am I being stuck up?
- seeing my ex advice.
- Tip to women
- Agreeing to end a relationship for uni
- My friend is telling me to break up with my boyfriend, it's messing with my head
- Can i have a guy friend if i have a bf?
- does this make me a bad girlfriend?
- am i to old
- relationship and parents advice please
- How to help my boyfriend through addiction?
- Boyfriend getting mad at my overprotective mum
- A couple at the university of Essex
- Relationship issues
- Applied to my boyfriend's dream uni but now I'm worried they'll accept me and not him
- My bf not being ok with me going to my friend invitation because there will be boys
Latest
Trending
Last reply 4 days ago
My friend might be getting extra time and i hate it.Last reply 4 days ago
Just found out about UCL stat test but can't afford to sit itLast reply 2 weeks ago
Dad keeps criticising my university degree choiceLast reply 2 weeks ago
Is this pathetic or genuinely something to be upset aboutTrending
Last reply 4 days ago
My friend might be getting extra time and i hate it.Last reply 4 days ago
Just found out about UCL stat test but can't afford to sit itLast reply 2 weeks ago
Dad keeps criticising my university degree choiceLast reply 2 weeks ago
Is this pathetic or genuinely something to be upset about
