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How can growing up without a mother affect a child?
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My mom abandoned me and moved to Las Vegas when I was 8 and I am 16 now. I live with my father. The only way I can really describe him is that he is an *******. I still see my mother once every couple of years for a week or so and every once and a while we talk on the phone but we don't really have a relationship. That being said I didn't really grow up in a loving home. I Iooked for mother figures in my youth pastor's wife and my female teachers, but none of them could ever be my mom. It's not that I miss my mother anymore because I don't I just miss the idea of having a mother, someone to comfort you and tell you everything will be okay, someone to dry your tears, someone to look to for guidance. Since I didn't really have anyone there for me I fell into depression and then I started self harming and almost developed an eating disorder. So it is very important for a mother to be apart of their children's lives especially their daughter's life. I look forward to the day I have kids and can be the mother I never had.
(edited 10 years ago)
Original post by imissbeinghappy
My mom abandoned me and moved to Las Vegas when I was 8 and I am 16 now. I live with my father. The only way I can really describe him is that he is an *******. I still see my mother once every couple of years for a week or so and every once and a while we talk on the phone but we don't really have a relationship. That being said I didn't really grow up in a loving home. I Iooked for mother figures in my youth pastor's wife and my female teachers, but none of them could ever be my mom. It's not that I miss my mother anymore because I don't I just miss the idea of having a mother, someone to comfort you and tell you everything will be okay, someone to dry your tears, someone to look to for guidance. Since I didn't really have anyone there for me I fell into depression and then I started self harming and almost developed an eating disorder. So it is very important for a mother to be apart of their children's lives especially their daughter's life. I look forward to the day I have kids and can be the mother I never had.
Why don't you like your dad? do you think he's had a hard time raising you after his wife abandoned him as well?
My mother abandoned me when I was 8 I am 16 now. I see get once every couple of years. I live with my father, the only way to describe him is that he is a total *******. So growing up I wasn't really in a very loving home. I went to church and my youth pastors wife was like a mother figure to me. And I look at some of my female teachers as mother figures, but none of them could ever be a mother to me. It's not that I miss my mom I just miss the idea of a mom. Someone to comfort you when your sad, dry your tears tell you it will all be okay, cook for you, some to look to for guidance, i have suffered from depression and self harm and was on the verge of an eating disorder. And most of that is from not having a mother. So yes it does take a major toll on kids especially girls. I am looking forward to the day I have kids and can be the mother that I never had.
Original post by thoyub
We have all heard about the million children growing up without fathers but I wanted to draw attention to a rarer but similar issue, growing up without a mother.
What effects can this have on a child, especially if the mother is absent for practically all of the childs life? Also, if the mother neglected the child and never showed the child any love and basically abandoned the child. This could have bad psychological effects couldn't it?
Have any of you grown up without your mothers? I'd love to hear some of your experiences if you have.
How can growing up without a mother affect a child? Discuss.
What effects can this have on a child, especially if the mother is absent for practically all of the childs life? Also, if the mother neglected the child and never showed the child any love and basically abandoned the child. This could have bad psychological effects couldn't it?
Have any of you grown up without your mothers? I'd love to hear some of your experiences if you have.
How can growing up without a mother affect a child? Discuss.
This hits close to home with me, so I'd like to share a little personal anecdote with you in regards to this question. I am far smarter than most of you (fact). My wife grew up, for all intense purposes, without a mother. My wife is far smarter than I am (fact). My wife struggles on a massive scale with the psychological consequences of having a delinquent mother. She is without a doubt, one of the smartest most impressive minds on this entire planet. Her psyche is more profoundly impacted, by her lack of maternal guidance, than any other event or factor regarding her life. That is how much growing up without a mother can affect a child.
(edited 10 years ago)
Hi, I grew up without my mum. She passed away from cancer when I was 8 months old, my father was an abusive drunk, so I was raised by various extended family, no grandparents or parental influence.
I found it very difficult growing up to bond with people, yet I went on to have a happy normal life especially now I have my own young family and a very supportive loving partner. I used to look at people who had difficult relationships with their parents and be envious of what they had and couldn't see, I used to think if I had parents I would cherish them. Now at forty I realise no family is perfect or without its issues.
My challenges in life made me who I am and although there were sad times, I came out ok ( I think). I ensure I raise my children with as much love and support as I can give and have really great friends that have over the years become more like family.
I still fell pangs of envy when I see mums and daughters out shopping together and seeing them close, all I can hope for is that I have that with my children going forward.
I found it very difficult growing up to bond with people, yet I went on to have a happy normal life especially now I have my own young family and a very supportive loving partner. I used to look at people who had difficult relationships with their parents and be envious of what they had and couldn't see, I used to think if I had parents I would cherish them. Now at forty I realise no family is perfect or without its issues.
My challenges in life made me who I am and although there were sad times, I came out ok ( I think). I ensure I raise my children with as much love and support as I can give and have really great friends that have over the years become more like family.
I still fell pangs of envy when I see mums and daughters out shopping together and seeing them close, all I can hope for is that I have that with my children going forward.
Original post by thoyub
We have all heard about the million children growing up without fathers but I wanted to draw attention to a rarer but similar issue, growing up without a mother.
What effects can this have on a child, especially if the mother is absent for practically all of the childs life? Also, if the mother neglected the child and never showed the child any love and basically abandoned the child. This could have bad psychological effects couldn't it?
Have any of you grown up without your mothers? I'd love to hear some of your experiences if you have.
How can growing up without a mother affect a child? Discuss.
What effects can this have on a child, especially if the mother is absent for practically all of the childs life? Also, if the mother neglected the child and never showed the child any love and basically abandoned the child. This could have bad psychological effects couldn't it?
Have any of you grown up without your mothers? I'd love to hear some of your experiences if you have.
How can growing up without a mother affect a child? Discuss.
He will grow up feeling something fundamental is missing in him and he will helplessly hope to find the same love and nurture that he never received.
He can be charismatic in the presence of women he is interested in and has learned how to make them fall for him. He has an edge over "normal guys" because he is never emotionally available to any women.
This of course doesn't make him feel any better about himself as he chronologically age. In fact, it saddens him even more as his experiences with women grows - because he realizes that a mother's love can never be found in any other women.
Original post by ckingalt
This hits close to home with me, so I'd like to share a little personal anecdote with you in regards to this question. I am far smarter than most of you (fact). My wife grew up, for all intense purposes, without a mother. My wife is far smarter than I am (fact).
Lol. Yeah, alright pal, how is this relevant?
As for the OP, in society women are upheld as the primary caregivers, nurturers, listeners, kissers of boo-boos etc. which is why I imagine that being abandoned by a mother is far more damaging than being abandoned by a father.
Everyone "knows" that a man is biologically programmed to "spread his seed" and generally be less inclined to have as deep a bond with any offspring as a mother.
I can't imagine how it must feel to be abandoned by any parent, but to be rejected by my own mother - the woman who gave birth to me and is supposed to be willing to fight to her own death to protect me - would cause me irreparable damage.
I had the exact same experience, mother left at 6, abusive stepmother who stopped my mother from visiting me, so I did not see her again for 40 years, by which time all memories of her were effectively buried. My Dad and stepmother told me to just forget her because she was 'no good', a pretty hard thing to process when you are 7. I just blanked her out and in the end would tell people 'I don't have a mother'. The main effect of that along with a tyrannical stepmother has been the loss of my authentic feeling self which is very hard to recover, if at all possible. I became a people pleaser with practically no personal boundaries or self defense mechanisms. Different books like John Bradshaw's Homecoming, Susan Forwards Toxic parents, Alice Miller's Drama of Being a Child, and other similar authors have helped to some degree. Somehow we have to get to the repressed anger and then the grief, try to reclaim our true self as far as can be done. Usually therapy is required, although I have not gone down that road myself as I am deeply into Eastern spirituality, which has helped considerably inasmuch as I have not become an addict or abuser myself, or suffered from serious depression, and I now believe that the really true self at the core of our being can only be reached by meditation and spiritual practise. But at 58 I am still wounded and feeling the pain, trying to find myself. It's a long and difficult journey. If anyone knows of any other useful books as well as the above I would be interested. Thanks.
Original post by DharmaDad
I had the exact same experience, mother left at 6, abusive stepmother who stopped my mother from visiting me, so I did not see her again for 40 years, by which time all memories of her were effectively buried. My Dad and stepmother told me to just forget her because she was 'no good', a pretty hard thing to process when you are 7. I just blanked her out and in the end would tell people 'I don't have a mother'. The main effect of that along with a tyrannical stepmother has been the loss of my authentic feeling self which is very hard to recover, if at all possible. I became a people pleaser with practically no personal boundaries or self defense mechanisms. Different books like John Bradshaw's Homecoming, Susan Forwards Toxic parents, Alice Miller's Drama of Being a Child, and other similar authors have helped to some degree. Somehow we have to get to the repressed anger and then the grief, try to reclaim our true self as far as can be done. Usually therapy is required, although I have not gone down that road myself as I am deeply into Eastern spirituality, which has helped considerably inasmuch as I have not become an addict or abuser myself, or suffered from serious depression, and I now believe that the really true self at the core of our being can only be reached by meditation and spiritual practise. But at 58 I am still wounded and feeling the pain, trying to find myself. It's a long and difficult journey. If anyone knows of any other useful books as well as the above I would be interested. Thanks.
I was replying to Anka1918 btw
I think it would be horrible but at the same time we have this idealistic view of mothers. If she is a potential abusive parent etc then a lot of children are better with their dad or another carer.
I think what's most important is for the child to have experienced love and know themselves that they are loved.
Equally crucial and the reason we deem the mother so important for a children is because we presume she will be tactile and affectionate which are important for a child's physical/mental/emotional health. If a child can get this from other people in their lives they will benefit in the same way.
I mean some people have what seems to be the perfect middle class family unit and yet they still don't have mums who show affection or even that they love them, perhaps only that certain things like academic achievement will win their appreciation. These things can cause damage to a child on par with the damage that having no mum at all can cause.
I think what's most important is for the child to have experienced love and know themselves that they are loved.
Equally crucial and the reason we deem the mother so important for a children is because we presume she will be tactile and affectionate which are important for a child's physical/mental/emotional health. If a child can get this from other people in their lives they will benefit in the same way.
I mean some people have what seems to be the perfect middle class family unit and yet they still don't have mums who show affection or even that they love them, perhaps only that certain things like academic achievement will win their appreciation. These things can cause damage to a child on par with the damage that having no mum at all can cause.
(edited 10 years ago)
well im 21 and have had my mother ill for 15 years [she refuses treatment] . since she became ill she lost the ability to love and nurture and only stresses about her needs to sleep and eat.
I can't exactly say what effect it had on me and my 3 brothers, but i can make assumptions. I find it hard to have intimate relationships with females and often am attracted to girls that seem very 'motherly'. I'm quite self destructive in other aspects of my life also but thanks to a great father im very mature and am able to make good decisions on the most part.
I do have an older brother who was always mischievous but is a criminal now, my mother used to be the only one that could discipline him. My father says that its due to my mother being ill that this has happened but we can never know.
i always here and read about the importance of a motherly role. I do see differences between myself and the kids who have 2 loving and functioning parents but im not letting it own me. In the end of the day you got to put it in perspective and that helps me a lot.
I can't exactly say what effect it had on me and my 3 brothers, but i can make assumptions. I find it hard to have intimate relationships with females and often am attracted to girls that seem very 'motherly'. I'm quite self destructive in other aspects of my life also but thanks to a great father im very mature and am able to make good decisions on the most part.
I do have an older brother who was always mischievous but is a criminal now, my mother used to be the only one that could discipline him. My father says that its due to my mother being ill that this has happened but we can never know.
i always here and read about the importance of a motherly role. I do see differences between myself and the kids who have 2 loving and functioning parents but im not letting it own me. In the end of the day you got to put it in perspective and that helps me a lot.
I grew up without a Mother from age 6, became completely self dependent, found secondary mother figures in my friend's households and they all seemed to loved me, I think I had to learn to be extra charming, was always more on the same level as adults due to been independent my self but as a child, spent most of my time with other family's as there was no family life of any kind at my own home, I grew up really well, really strong, loving, charismatic, everyone in school loved me not just popular, when I was 15 depression set in, I didn't know what the hell it was at first, just got the life sucked out of me and gradually lost every shred of self confidence that had previously always brought me huge success , my whole life fell apart, I ended up being completely alone and have remained so to this day 16 year's later still stuck in depression, I write this lying in bed depressed on a Saturday cause I have no social connections of any kind, no emotional tie's or attachment's to anyone, have never been in a relationship despite women seeming to find me desirable.
I had had the world at my feet due to the gene's I was born with ( Nature ) but my life completely fell apart due to the complete lack of ( Nurture ), think when I reached 15 I could no longer spend time in other family's house's, really wanted a Mom at this stage, mother's love etc, also when she did pass no one ever gave me the chance to grieve, the only time it would come out was when I was in public and someone would say " sorry to hear about your Mom " and the tear's would well up so I had to push it all back down as much as I could to avoid the embarrassment of breaking down in tears in a public.
I'm heading for 32, Iv been stuck in unresolved grieve for the past 16 year's, really bad depression, I think Iv made a lot of progress recently but only because Iv ran out of time and Iv been forced to get myself better, no one ever bothered to reach out to help while it was completely obvious I needed help, all I ever wanted was someone to sit down with me to finally have the one to one that I always wanted so I could finally grieve
Out of everyone I grew up with in my social hemisphere I was always at the top, I was meant to be something big in life and this isn't just me being big headed this is how other people who know me see me.
I see plenty of people of people I went to school with who really didn't have much going for them but they had mother's and came from loving nurturing home's so they turned out fine careers marriage etc and I'm left completely screwed, they had a mother who actually raised them and were behind them all the way.
I had had the world at my feet due to the gene's I was born with ( Nature ) but my life completely fell apart due to the complete lack of ( Nurture ), think when I reached 15 I could no longer spend time in other family's house's, really wanted a Mom at this stage, mother's love etc, also when she did pass no one ever gave me the chance to grieve, the only time it would come out was when I was in public and someone would say " sorry to hear about your Mom " and the tear's would well up so I had to push it all back down as much as I could to avoid the embarrassment of breaking down in tears in a public.
I'm heading for 32, Iv been stuck in unresolved grieve for the past 16 year's, really bad depression, I think Iv made a lot of progress recently but only because Iv ran out of time and Iv been forced to get myself better, no one ever bothered to reach out to help while it was completely obvious I needed help, all I ever wanted was someone to sit down with me to finally have the one to one that I always wanted so I could finally grieve
Out of everyone I grew up with in my social hemisphere I was always at the top, I was meant to be something big in life and this isn't just me being big headed this is how other people who know me see me.
I see plenty of people of people I went to school with who really didn't have much going for them but they had mother's and came from loving nurturing home's so they turned out fine careers marriage etc and I'm left completely screwed, they had a mother who actually raised them and were behind them all the way.
(edited 9 years ago)
Original post by aari
I feel for those who grew up without a mother; mum's the most important person in the world for me.
Growing up without a parent is nothing less of traumatic. An absent mother is obviously going to result in some bitterness.
Just came across this-
http://strollwithoutshoes.com/2013/05/11/growing-up-without-a-mother-five-women-share-their-story/
I can't even begin to imagine how guys without mums feel, with societal pressure, 'men don't weep' and crap like that.
Growing up without a parent is nothing less of traumatic. An absent mother is obviously going to result in some bitterness.
Just came across this-
http://strollwithoutshoes.com/2013/05/11/growing-up-without-a-mother-five-women-share-their-story/
I can't even begin to imagine how guys without mums feel, with societal pressure, 'men don't weep' and crap like that.
Yes but there are many men who are more open-minded and emotionally sensitive? Don't you think your post is a slight generalisation based on stereotypes?
When I was 6 I had to choose between moving to another country with my Mam, or stay with my Dad. I chose to stay with my Dad.
18 Years later I feel empty and find my self as lost as I was when I was 10. Things got between me and my dad and I was emotionally neglected but I switched off at around 10.
I keep the majority of it to myself, I have come to realise that I was born to two emotionally weak people and me bringing things up now will only cause them pain from seeing what they made. I don't think it comes from me not wanting them to go through it, but I don't want to be involved in it, the further I can keep them away from who I am and the problems I face the better.
I dream for the day that I can leave this life and start fresh somewhere new, but I am going to spend the next couple of years developing who I am as a person then see what the world has to offer.
18 Years later I feel empty and find my self as lost as I was when I was 10. Things got between me and my dad and I was emotionally neglected but I switched off at around 10.
I keep the majority of it to myself, I have come to realise that I was born to two emotionally weak people and me bringing things up now will only cause them pain from seeing what they made. I don't think it comes from me not wanting them to go through it, but I don't want to be involved in it, the further I can keep them away from who I am and the problems I face the better.
I dream for the day that I can leave this life and start fresh somewhere new, but I am going to spend the next couple of years developing who I am as a person then see what the world has to offer.
(edited 9 years ago)
My mother left my brother, sister and i when I was 7. I don't know what is different about growing up without a mother, I know that it affected me with abandonment issues. I always get a twinge of sadness on mothers day however I did adopt some mother figures later in my life. It is hard, I know I have missed out on some things, I know there were questions when I was a kid I wanted to ask my mother that went unasked, there are some things a girl going through puberty that she doesn't want to ask her father. I feel like I have adjusted well and my way of living right now isn't affected by her leaving. I have found happiness and peace with my childhood along the way. I was angry and heartbroken for so long that I eventually stopped giving a f*** pardon my french. My father was there for me the best he could and he made my childhood better but it would have been nice having a mother.
I'm not sure how, but it definitely can.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Posted from TSR Mobile
The unexplainable truth is one whereby no words, pictures or philosophical quote can describe. Did a rose grow from concrete,do trees rearlly grow from a mothers womb? Growing up with no mother, the unfortunate situation layed upon the strongest of men, the unlucky card chosen from lifes possession, where else but the ghetto would you find the whore houses, shabeens and pool rooms? The bloodstained staircase, the decrepid step i was left to spend countless days daydreaming on.They say "if you carn,t trust your mother who do you trust" my mother left, i was 3 years young. To be continued.....................
Ella and I wrote a book about life without parents. Have a look on the creative section of the site.
At work, I'm a teacher, the younger staff are always going on about their parents and the good old "bank of Mum and Dad". They must wonder why I never join in!
At work, I'm a teacher, the younger staff are always going on about their parents and the good old "bank of Mum and Dad". They must wonder why I never join in!
My situation is similar. My parents divorced when I was three. My father was awarded custody because my mother did not show up. My father side of the family was not as affectionate as I needed. Sometimes I have an empty feeling inside. My relationship with friends or boyfriends are so hard to deal with at times.
Sorry what a load of crap. Next you will tell me growing up in childrens homes has no effects ? I do not feel there is any issues with gay couples bringing up children as long as someone in the parental group plays the nurturing role. that is showing the the child love and that he/she is wanted and valued etc.
this person doesn't have to be male or female can be either
this person doesn't have to be male or female can be either
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