LDR :(
I've been with my bf for 20 months. When I've been searching for unis I wasn't really bothered about the distance from my home town as we've both decided to live together in a rented flat. But it wasn't until few months after when we both agreed on me living in halls because otherwise I'd miss out on social opportunities etc. We thought it would be better this way.
It's just over a moth not till uni starts and he thinks we're never gonna see each other as it's 3,5hrs on the train, and yet he blames for being selfish and choosing the uni which is so far away. If i knew it from the start, I'd have chosen a uni which is much closer. I regret it now. Although I keep saying to him it's only a year and then we'd rent a flat together, he's sure that I will choose to live with my flatmates over living alone with him. It's frustrating that he doesn't believe me when I say I'd prefer to live with him no matter what, as much as I would love my friends.
I am totally terrified of our LDR but try to be positive by thinking it's only a freaking year, eh.
Anyone in a similar situation? Any emotional support would be highly appreciated.
It's just over a moth not till uni starts and he thinks we're never gonna see each other as it's 3,5hrs on the train, and yet he blames for being selfish and choosing the uni which is so far away. If i knew it from the start, I'd have chosen a uni which is much closer. I regret it now. Although I keep saying to him it's only a year and then we'd rent a flat together, he's sure that I will choose to live with my flatmates over living alone with him. It's frustrating that he doesn't believe me when I say I'd prefer to live with him no matter what, as much as I would love my friends.
I am totally terrified of our LDR but try to be positive by thinking it's only a freaking year, eh.
Anyone in a similar situation? Any emotional support would be highly appreciated.
(edited 10 years ago)
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Original post by Caroli95
I've been with me bf for 20 months. When I've been searching for unis I wasn't really bothered about the distance from my home town as we've both decided to live together in a rented flat. But it wasn't until few months after when we both agreed on me living in halls because otherwise I'd miss out on social opportunities etc. We thought it would be better this way.
It's just over a moth not till uni starts and he thinks we're never gonna see each other as it's 3,5hrs on the train, and yet he blames for being selfish and choosing the uni which is so far away. If i knew it from the start, I'd have chosen a uni which is much closer. I regret it now. Although I keep saying to him it's only a year and then we'd rent a flat together, he's sure that I will choose to live with my flatmates over living alone with him. It's frustrating that he doesn't believe me when I say I'd prefer to live with him no matter what, as much as I would love my friends.
I am totally terrified of our LDR but try to be positive by thinking it's only a freaking year, eh.
Anyone in a similar situation? Any emotional support would be highly appreciated.
It's just over a moth not till uni starts and he thinks we're never gonna see each other as it's 3,5hrs on the train, and yet he blames for being selfish and choosing the uni which is so far away. If i knew it from the start, I'd have chosen a uni which is much closer. I regret it now. Although I keep saying to him it's only a year and then we'd rent a flat together, he's sure that I will choose to live with my flatmates over living alone with him. It's frustrating that he doesn't believe me when I say I'd prefer to live with him no matter what, as much as I would love my friends.
I am totally terrified of our LDR but try to be positive by thinking it's only a freaking year, eh.
Anyone in a similar situation? Any emotional support would be highly appreciated.
If you post here http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2404204 you'll find others in the same situation
Original post by Caroli95
I've been with me bf for 20 months. When I've been searching for unis I wasn't really bothered about the distance from my home town as we've both decided to live together in a rented flat. But it wasn't until few months after when we both agreed on me living in halls because otherwise I'd miss out on social opportunities etc. We thought it would be better this way.
It's just over a moth not till uni starts and he thinks we're never gonna see each other as it's 3,5hrs on the train, and yet he blames for being selfish and choosing the uni which is so far away. If i knew it from the start, I'd have chosen a uni which is much closer. I regret it now. Although I keep saying to him it's only a year and then we'd rent a flat together, he's sure that I will choose to live with my flatmates over living alone with him. It's frustrating that he doesn't believe me when I say I'd prefer to live with him no matter what, as much as I would love my friends.
I am totally terrified of our LDR but try to be positive by thinking it's only a freaking year, eh.
Anyone in a similar situation? Any emotional support would be highly appreciated.
It's just over a moth not till uni starts and he thinks we're never gonna see each other as it's 3,5hrs on the train, and yet he blames for being selfish and choosing the uni which is so far away. If i knew it from the start, I'd have chosen a uni which is much closer. I regret it now. Although I keep saying to him it's only a year and then we'd rent a flat together, he's sure that I will choose to live with my flatmates over living alone with him. It's frustrating that he doesn't believe me when I say I'd prefer to live with him no matter what, as much as I would love my friends.
I am totally terrified of our LDR but try to be positive by thinking it's only a freaking year, eh.
Anyone in a similar situation? Any emotional support would be highly appreciated.
I was in a similar position. My boyfriend is older than me and had finished university before I started. He knew that I would be living quite a long way away during my three years there and was really worried that I would forget about him/meet someone else/get bored with him/drift away emotionally as well as physically.
I knew that nothing would be able to put his mind at ease, because it was always a possibility that his fears might come true. Instead, I just told him to wait and let me prove it to him.
A year and a half later, I've finished my first year at university and our relationship is stronger than ever. He has admitted just how scared he was that university would break us up and is now completely relaxed about the next two years which I must get through before we can live closer together.
I think you need to have a long, serious discussion with your boyfriend about what the two of you want, but in the end, the only way to prove him wrong in his fears is to make this LDR (be thankful it's only a year!) a success and continue happily afterwards.
Thank u so much. It made me feel a lot better
And just wondered how come ur relationship is now stronger than ever?
How long have u been together before u moved?
As its different when you've only been together for few weeks and when for years.
I think it helps a lot when in relationship there is already set a good foundation.
And just wondered how come ur relationship is now stronger than ever?
How long have u been together before u moved?
As its different when you've only been together for few weeks and when for years.
I think it helps a lot when in relationship there is already set a good foundation.
He just thinks that i will love the social aspect of living with flatmates so much that I will not want to give it all up but I would choose him over anything because I know he's worth it. he just doesn't believe me when I say this to him and thinks that I will change my mind for sure. I just think he doesn't want to get his hopes up and feel disappointed. I cannot wait to prove him how wrong he actually was. 
Original post by Caroli95
Thank u so much. It made me feel a lot better
And just wondered how come ur relationship is now stronger than ever?
How long have u been together before u moved?
As its different when you've only been together for few weeks and when for years.
I think it helps a lot when in relationship there is already set a good foundation.
He just thinks that i will love the social aspect of living with flatmates so much that I will not want to give it all up but I would choose him over anything because I know he's worth it. he just doesn't believe me when I say this to him and thinks that I will change my mind for sure. I just think he doesn't want to get his hopes up and feel disappointed. I cannot wait to prove him how wrong he actually was.
And just wondered how come ur relationship is now stronger than ever?
How long have u been together before u moved?
As its different when you've only been together for few weeks and when for years.
I think it helps a lot when in relationship there is already set a good foundation.
He just thinks that i will love the social aspect of living with flatmates so much that I will not want to give it all up but I would choose him over anything because I know he's worth it. he just doesn't believe me when I say this to him and thinks that I will change my mind for sure. I just think he doesn't want to get his hopes up and feel disappointed. I cannot wait to prove him how wrong he actually was.
Well, we're stronger because we know (we knew already, but now we've proved it) that we are dedicated enough to each other and love each other enough to cope with the longer distance.
We had been together for a little over a year and a half when I moved to university and we saw each other on a regular basis (every weekend) if not as much as I would like, but after I went to university, we sometimes had to go for several weeks without seeing each other. I won't lie; it can be horrifically painful to miss someone so much, but the only alternative is splitting up and that's not an option for me.
Your boyfriend is, quite understandably, feeling insecure and nervous about this big change; it may be difficult for both of you during this year. But, as I said, it is only a year and you'll be amazed at how quickly it passes.
Good luck!
How old are you OP? People change a lot in a year and to be honest you may drift apart to the point of wanting to live with flatmates next year.
My immediate response to these problems is always "break up" especially if you're young. Maintaining an ldr especially during first year is tough if you also want a social life.
I'm probably going to get negged for this but it's just my opinion. I've been to uni twice, I've been in this situation twice. I've seen this situation happen to loads of others.
My immediate response to these problems is always "break up" especially if you're young. Maintaining an ldr especially during first year is tough if you also want a social life.
I'm probably going to get negged for this but it's just my opinion. I've been to uni twice, I've been in this situation twice. I've seen this situation happen to loads of others.
Don't regret choosing a uni that's far away because he isn't happy about it - you're going to uni for yourself and you need to choose the one that's right for you, and if he's telling you you're selfish because that's what you've done, that's his problem, not yours. Going to university is a massive step to take and often a very important one in your life and you need to do what's best for yourself.
Going into halls rather than living with him in first year is a good idea - you need a life outside of him and if you lived together then you might not get much of one. It's the best way to meet lots of people and it means you can get more involved in uni life. I'd also probably advise against living with him while you're at uni, especially as it's not a uni in your hometown - if anything bad happens (not saying it will, but you have to consider the possibility) you could end up trying to balance your studies with a very awkward living situation.
If you really want to be together and really love each other, then you can make an LDR work. Going into an LDR when you haven't been in one before is very scary and does test your relationship and there will be times when you'll miss him so much that it'll hurt and you'll be tempted to just get on the next train/coach/whatever to where he is regardless of how practical that is, but if it's a good enough relationship then you won't drift apart and it will make you stronger because you've withstood that test. Good luck
Going into halls rather than living with him in first year is a good idea - you need a life outside of him and if you lived together then you might not get much of one. It's the best way to meet lots of people and it means you can get more involved in uni life. I'd also probably advise against living with him while you're at uni, especially as it's not a uni in your hometown - if anything bad happens (not saying it will, but you have to consider the possibility) you could end up trying to balance your studies with a very awkward living situation.
If you really want to be together and really love each other, then you can make an LDR work. Going into an LDR when you haven't been in one before is very scary and does test your relationship and there will be times when you'll miss him so much that it'll hurt and you'll be tempted to just get on the next train/coach/whatever to where he is regardless of how practical that is, but if it's a good enough relationship then you won't drift apart and it will make you stronger because you've withstood that test. Good luck
(edited 10 years ago)
LDR's never work out, sorry to break it to you.
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Original post by Gracekgs
Just because yours hasn't, don't tar all other LDR's with the same brush.
Original post by Gracekgs
Mine did? We've been together 2.5years and my best friends has too (they've been together 5 years next month), small sample but clearly they do work out.
My boyfriend and I were together for about 3 months before he got a new job further away, I was always in favour of him applying for jobs further away because it was better for him. Our relationship moved pretty quickly and in a short space of time we went through a lot together (we both had some pretty big losses and other issues go on) and when he got a job, he asked me to come with him and I did. I stuck it out for around 3 months before I couldn't take it. It wasn't him, but I struggled to find work and i wanted to go back to college and get into university, after a little while together we decided that it was best for me to move back home. So from then until March of this year we had an LDR. In March he got a job back here and now we live together (albeit, with my parents for now) and we're looking to rent a place while we continue saving money to buy a house together.
We lived 165 miles apart, it was a 3 hours train journey for me (he'd pick me up at a nearer city about 30 miles away from where he was) and it was a 2.5hr/3hr drive for him. We'd see each other every week most of the time if we'd planned well, or every 2 weeks if we hadn't. By planned well I mean he'd made sure he wasn't having to work that weekend and we'd pre-booked train tickets (they're often cheaper in advance) and only bought open returns when we needed flexibility so save money. He'd also budget his money to afford petrol and what not so we could see each other.
I also think it's key to make the time you spend together special. We were always tight on funds so cinemas and meals out were limited so we found lots of ways to make our time together special. We'd often bake together, cook meals for each other in, go on drives out to places to see new things and go for walks etc, so our time together wasn't like our normal lives. Since we didn't have much money we didn't go on holiday, so he would use his Holiday days to spend a long weekend with me, or at Christmas (we had 2 christmas's apart) he'd take a week before and the days between Christmas and new year so we had 2 weeks together.
TLDR - If you plan when you're going to spend time together, try and make it a little bit special and you really, really want to make it work then you don't have to break up. You already have an end goal of living together next year, so if you're willing to put the effort in, you can make it.
Original post by Plumstone
Well, we're stronger because we know (we knew already, but now we've proved it) that we are dedicated enough to each other and love each other enough to cope with the longer distance.
We had been together for a little over a year and a half when I moved to university and we saw each other on a regular basis (every weekend) if not as much as I would like, but after I went to university, we sometimes had to go for several weeks without seeing each other. I won't lie; it can be horrifically painful to miss someone so much, but the only alternative is splitting up and that's not an option for me.
Your boyfriend is, quite understandably, feeling insecure and nervous about this big change; it may be difficult for both of you during this year. But, as I said, it is only a year and you'll be amazed at how quickly it passes.
Good luck!
We had been together for a little over a year and a half when I moved to university and we saw each other on a regular basis (every weekend) if not as much as I would like, but after I went to university, we sometimes had to go for several weeks without seeing each other. I won't lie; it can be horrifically painful to miss someone so much, but the only alternative is splitting up and that's not an option for me.
Your boyfriend is, quite understandably, feeling insecure and nervous about this big change; it may be difficult for both of you during this year. But, as I said, it is only a year and you'll be amazed at how quickly it passes.
Good luck!
This made me feel more positive about it so thank you
I believe that we are strong enough therefore not gonna give up on us, ever! We are now seeing each other every day and going without seeing him for few days is hard never mind few weeks! I am absolutely terrified how will I cope with this situation but it's only temporary so...Whereas he's all negative about it, therefore not helping me at all. I just need to prove him that everything is gonna be OK as we are both so dedicated.
Knowing me I will probably spend days crying my eyes out in the first few months but I believe that we will both get used to the situation after a while. I am aware it's going to be very difficult but thankfully it's a change that is not gonna last for years.
I will just be wishing for that first year to be over. Eh.
Original post by Gracekgs
Why being SO negative about it? I mean true love will last forever no matter what and if u dont give it a go and have a LDR u will never find out whether it was a true love or not.
Original post by LavenderBlueSky88
How old are you OP? People change a lot in a year and to be honest you may drift apart to the point of wanting to live with flatmates next year.
My immediate response to these problems is always "break up" especially if you're young. Maintaining an ldr especially during first year is tough if you also want a social life.
I'm probably going to get negged for this but it's just my opinion. I've been to uni twice, I've been in this situation twice. I've seen this situation happen to loads of others.
My immediate response to these problems is always "break up" especially if you're young. Maintaining an ldr especially during first year is tough if you also want a social life.
I'm probably going to get negged for this but it's just my opinion. I've been to uni twice, I've been in this situation twice. I've seen this situation happen to loads of others.
I'm 18. I think it would be possible to have both - ur social life and LDR. Doesn't it depend on how badly u want it? I'm sure it takes a lot of effort but it's all worth it at the end isn't it?
Although, I respect ur opinion, I dont quite agree with it.
OP I'm a great believer in fate. I believe that if you two were truly meant to be together, nothing will get in your way It seems you love him a lot, and I know many LDRs which work out! You should probably just sit down and tell him how you feel - and if you two get through it, then you'll come out of it stronger than ever, and perhaps inseparable. I know it's easier said than done, but try not to worry about it too much. Make plans to see him perhaps every weekend or so (a lot of social stuff is done during the week anyway with university life), with you perhaps travelling to him every other weekend, and him to you in-between. You have the vacations to spend with him (even if you have studies, you can do it perhaps with him around - I mean, I've always enjoyed studying around my boyfriend because although I'm not technically in an LDR, since we study at the same university, he is 2 years older than me and I therefore only see him at the weekends also since he is always at different hospitals in different regions) - the point is, if it's true love, it will get through almost everything. And if it isn't, then you will be better off moving on and searching until you find the right person. To me, it seems like you both really care about each other, and I don't think a year at university will destroy that
Best of luck to you! And if you need anything, feel free to inbox me
It seems you love him a lot, and I know many LDRs which work out! You should probably just sit down and tell him how you feel - and if you two get through it, then you'll come out of it stronger than ever, and perhaps inseparable. I know it's easier said than done, but try not to worry about it too much. Make plans to see him perhaps every weekend or so (a lot of social stuff is done during the week anyway with university life), with you perhaps travelling to him every other weekend, and him to you in-between. You have the vacations to spend with him (even if you have studies, you can do it perhaps with him around - I mean, I've always enjoyed studying around my boyfriend because although I'm not technically in an LDR, since we study at the same university, he is 2 years older than me and I therefore only see him at the weekends also since he is always at different hospitals in different regions) - the point is, if it's true love, it will get through almost everything. And if it isn't, then you will be better off moving on and searching until you find the right person. To me, it seems like you both really care about each other, and I don't think a year at university will destroy that Best of luck to you! And if you need anything, feel free to inbox me
Original post by Caroli95
X
TLDR - If you plan when you're going to spend time together, try and make it a little bit special and you really, really want to make it work then you don't have to break up. You already have an end goal of living together next year, so if you're willing to put the effort in, you can make it.
I will certainly make my best to make those times special by e.g. treating him to something I will try budget from the start so at least when we see each other, I can afford few treats for us
We've been through so much together and mostly the negative things (because of all this I think we're stronger and closer than ever before).
You always need to have a goal in life, dont u? Especially in a LDR, as it helps u to focus just on that.
I will certainly make my best to make those times special by e.g. treating him to something
I will try budget from the start so at least when we see each other, I can afford few treats for us We've been through so much together and mostly the negative things (because of all this I think we're stronger and closer than ever before).
You always need to have a goal in life, dont u? Especially in a LDR, as it helps u to focus just on that.
Original post by Caroli95
I'm 18. I think it would be possible to have both - ur social life and LDR. Doesn't it depend on how badly u want it? I'm sure it takes a lot of effort but it's all worth it at the end isn't it?
Although, I respect ur opinion, I dont quite agree with it.
Although, I respect ur opinion, I dont quite agree with it.
You have to sacrifice a lot to keep an ldr going. Weekends/nights out/nights in.... Pretty much everything has to fit around your relationship and travelling to see them. Obviously if it all works out then that's fine, but I'd say only a very small fraction of these relationships last. You don't want to end up regretting it that's all.
You're so young to be thinking so seriously about a guy. You change so much at university, you will be a very different person after the three years.
That's just my two cents. I have only known a couple of people to actually make relationships work through first year. The independence and proximity to other people puts a strain on even the most solid relationships.
Original post by BlueSheep32
Don't regret choosing a uni that's far away because he isn't happy about it - you're going to uni for yourself and you need to choose the one that's right for you, and if he's telling you you're selfish because that's what you've done, that's his problem, not yours. Going to university is a massive step to take and often a very important one in your life and you need to do what's best for yourself.
Going into halls rather than living with him in first year is a good idea - you need a life outside of him and if you lived together then you might not get much of one. It's the best way to meet lots of people and it means you can get more involved in uni life. I'd also probably advise against living with him while you're at uni, especially as it's not a uni in your hometown - if anything bad happens (not saying it will, but you have to consider the possibility) you could end up trying to balance your studies with a very awkward living situation.
If you really want to be together and really love each other, then you can make an LDR work. Going into an LDR when you haven't been in one before is very scary and does test your relationship and there will be times when you'll miss him so much that it'll hurt and you'll be tempted to just get on the next train/coach/whatever to where he is regardless of how practical that is, but if it's a good enough relationship then you won't drift apart and it will make you stronger because you've withstood that test. Good luck
Going into halls rather than living with him in first year is a good idea - you need a life outside of him and if you lived together then you might not get much of one. It's the best way to meet lots of people and it means you can get more involved in uni life. I'd also probably advise against living with him while you're at uni, especially as it's not a uni in your hometown - if anything bad happens (not saying it will, but you have to consider the possibility) you could end up trying to balance your studies with a very awkward living situation.
If you really want to be together and really love each other, then you can make an LDR work. Going into an LDR when you haven't been in one before is very scary and does test your relationship and there will be times when you'll miss him so much that it'll hurt and you'll be tempted to just get on the next train/coach/whatever to where he is regardless of how practical that is, but if it's a good enough relationship then you won't drift apart and it will make you stronger because you've withstood that test. Good luck
I know that uni was the choice that I had to make and the one I felt suited me best. So, back then I didn't really take him into consideration. He just think that if the place was closer, he'd come visit me much more often, but how is it my fault that the uni I found perfect to me is 3hrs away.
And once he realised that living together in first year would do more harm than good to me, thats when we agreed on me living in halls. Especially when I've wanted to be fully involved in uni life. I will stick to what I said and choose to live with him after first year. I'm desperate.
I'm sure it will test not just our relationship but our love for each other, too. I'm sure that with our best efforts we will go through this 'hell'. Neither, do I doubt that this whole experience will make us stronger than ever before.
Thank u for all ur useful advice
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