I dont think my Girlfriend is 'into' me anymore despite her words towards me, advice?

royal1990

Hello my thread primarily addresses the issues surrounding my relationship and its current state, although I may digress as appropriate please bare with me...

Me and my girlfriend have been going out for nearly 13 months now, and my love for her had grown over time and we have developed a strong connection (at least I think). When I met her I had just come out of a very rough patch in my life; depression and anxiety whilst living away at uni, I had to withdraw I was very ill. Then came along my GF, I met her at a friends birthday party. Initially (I will admit) I wasn't strongly drawn to her, though she was attractive, I got chatting to her and decided to take things further. Our relationship has pretty much developed from that point onward and I have learned lots of things about her (both bad and good) for example we are generally opposites.

She and I are into different things in terms of interests and hobbies, but furthermore our values, and fundamental things like sex before marriage are different. Nevertheless we seem to have got along, although some of the things about her that I don't like I have compromised with. But I can't help but feel she isn't all that into me, takes me for granted and has become settled in our relationship.

For example, one time after an argument, I asked her if she still loved me, she said she did, but that she 'loves me more than finds me attractive', which really hurt to hear. Additionally she used to remark that I just wasn't fun and that she just wanted to "feel young again and on top of the world", to which she basically implied that I make her feel old and I'm boring.

Despite her revelations I had forgotten about it, and tried to change things, be more spontaneous and then she seemed to shift in terms of attitude. Although, when we're together and I look at her she looks miserable, although she has a very hectic schedule and when she finishes work to see me shes shattered. So I am clueless as to what is the truth, because whenever I try to talk to her she complains and tells me 'im doing her head in', I ask too many questions. So there isn't much I gain from having a conversation with her.

When we have foreplay (we don't have sex as she doesn't want to have it before marriage) she just seems so disinterested nowadays. At first she loved it, but I knew she was very 'iffy' about it all because she was brought up in a very strict household and has a view that touching oneself is bad, and that in general pleasure is something that married couples do. Aside from this she experienced a traumatic experience as a child and has the baggage of this to deal with- she denies it affects her now, but I still fear the psychological repercussions of it all.

Basically what I'm saying is, I think she only partakes in the whole fondling, sexual touching etc to please me. Whenever I ask her is it good or do you like it, her response is usually "no no...do you like it?". She seems to deflect all of my efforts to enquire.

I must admit that she and I have had lots of arguments about my anxiety and depression she has had to carry the brunt of my moodiness, and yes at times I have been a dick. But I am a kind hearted guy. I just had a lot of issues (even before I met her). Lately, she doesn't even tell me she loves me.

My question really is, how do I go about having a conversation with her, to find out about how she feels without her putting up barriers, and brushing me off as being annoying or avoiding the topic at hand??

I love her, but lately the resentment has grown more and more and I feel further and further apart from her.

Reply 1

SuperSam_Fantastiche

I'm just gonna go right ahead and say it.

The relationship's pretty dead mate. I can see you love her but this really isn't working, is it?

Reply 2

royal1990

I'm so sorry for the long thread, its just I can never seem to write coherently and concisely about a problem. Its so frustrating! But there's so much I can write about this, my head feels like it may explode. I will summarize here what my main issues are in an orderly list.

1. My GF doesn't tell me she loves me, or rarely even initiates any affectionate gestures (unless I do) like kissing etc.

2. Sometimes when we talk (usually online on a night- because she lives in a rural area and so doesn't get a signal) she never has much to say and even tells me "what is there to talk about?" or "what do you want to talk about?"

3. Whenever we are making out/ having foreplay etc, I get the impression she isn't into it, although she tells me otherwise and also she is usually wet so maybe she enjoys, or maybe thought of other guys . She always deflects my questioning as to whether she does like it by saying "no no...do you like it?" or "....its alright/okay".

4. Last week she told me that she was exhausted and that she was stressed because she had to come down to mine after work to see me. Seemed as though she didn't really want to see me and even apologized for it.

5. We are polar opposites. Sometimes when I disagree she goes in a mood with me, and doesn't speak with me for days. Yet I tolerate it all, and I listen to her criticisms without storming off, no matter how hard it is.

6. I think she resents me, and/or doesn't love me/find me attractive, yet she doesn't seem to want talk about it when I ask her. Tells me I'm irritating her etc.

Is she just using me until someone else comes along, or perhaps shes afraid of being alone so keeps me around. I just don't know anymore :/
I've been through the motions- hell and back- during this relationship. My depression has dipped and risen and I dunno how much more I can take. We are opposites and that is hard enough to juggle. Despite our differences I am trying to make this work, but will our sexual incompatibility be the end of this??

Reply 3

Coke Or Pepsi

OP, my current boyfriend and I went through a massive rough patch that lasted... well, around 7-8 months or so (from September time til around May time.) Now we've come through it, we're stronger than ever (we have been dating for a year and 7 months.) He began acting basically similarly to how your girlfriend is acting - wasn't telling me he loved me, not really engaging in discussion, not wanting to do things (sexually), and I eventually felt like I was in a relationship with a guy who no longer loved me, but I loved him desperately and was afraid of losing him.

So, I confronted the situation after a very, VERY long time spent thinking about it (this was whilst I was revising for my exams as well, so it was all very stressful.) I asked him, very bluntly, 'do you still see yourself being, or wanting to be, in a long term relationship with me.' And with that, a break-up happened; he said he didn't love me anymore, not in that way, but he wanted to be friends etc. He did beg for me back just 5 days after the breakup, admitting the reason for it all was him, becoming arrogant, complacent, and not making the effort that he needed, and promised he'd never leave me again.

Nonetheless, there comes a time in one's life when we need to question things - and I think you should do exactly what I did. Open the can of worms. At the end of the day, it can only get better once the worst has been set in motion. I know it's tough to admit to yourself that something you once believed was so great and indestructible is coming to an end, but the thing is, you're only doing yourself a disservice by being dishonest to yourself. You aren't respecting yourself and your independence, and I think you will be a much bigger person if you bring up the topic first, because you aren't keeping yourself (or her) in the shadows. Life's about (well, at least one chapter of it) falling in love, breaking up, getting your heart broken, and moving on. Forgetting is what makes us human, and what makes us strong.

Good luck to you!
xxx

Original post by royal1990

(edited 10 years ago)

Reply 4

royal1990

Original post by SuperSam_Fantastiche

I'm just gonna go right ahead and say it.

The relationship's pretty dead mate. I can see you love her but this really isn't working, is it?

Thank you for your reply; I admire the honesty. I also feel the same. Maybe I am in denial about the fact that this relationship was toxic from the beginning and that I was just being hopeful. What I just don't understand is that, if she is unhappy, why wouldn't she tell me so??

I just have a hard time believing that she can't just tell me how she feels (yet I am probably a hypocrite there in saying so, because I am like the sort of guy who walks on egg-shells and I don;t usually have chance to talk to her since she shuts me down all the time. Although I suppose that's different to not expressing myself all together.

Maybe she doesn't want to tell me she doesn't feel for me to protect my feelings, because admittedly I have been very depressive, vulnerable,and moody and so she expressed the fact she has to walk on egg-shells because I 'bite her head off'.

Surely her telling me how she felt earlier on would have saved us both a lot of time, effort and heartbreak? I guess she may be just as insecure as me.

Can you elaborate more on your thoughts about this? Thanks again.

Reply 5

SuperSam_Fantastiche

Original post by royal1990

I didn't mean to sound quite so harsh, I'm sorry about that :frown:

It just seems to me like there's a communication breakdown, it sounds like she's just going through the motions.

I know what you mean about how she should just tell you, I'm finding myself in the same situation myself. I've recently come out of a relationship that was quite dead. It turned out she was cheating on me with all and sundry and her only explanation was "we clearly don't work as a couple" - that's very nice but why not tell me rather than hurting me like that?

That's not to say that I think your girl is cheating, by any means. You need to sit down with her and have a serious conversation about where you two are going next. And if you're not feeling that happy in the relationship yourself, you'll be better to just let it go.

Reply 6

royal1990

Original post by Coke Or Pepsi

OP, my current boyfriend and I went through a massive rough patch that lasted... well, around 7-8 months or so (from September time til around May time.) Now we've come through it, we're stronger than ever (we have been dating for a year and 7 months.) He began acting basically similarly to how your girlfriend is acting - wasn't telling me he loved me, not really engaging in discussion, not wanting to do things (sexually), and I eventually felt like I was in a relationship with a guy who no longer loved me, but I loved him desperately and was afraid of losing him.

So, I confronted the situation after a very, VERY long time spent thinking about it (this was whilst I was revising for my exams as well, so it was all very stressful.) I asked him, very bluntly, 'do you still see yourself being, or wanting to be, in a long term relationship with me.' And with that, a break-up happened; he said he didn't love me anymore, not in that way, but he wanted to be friends etc. He did beg for me back just 5 days after the breakup, admitting the reason for it all was him, becoming arrogant, complacent, and not making the effort that he needed, and promised he'd never leave me again.

Nonetheless, there comes a time in one's life when we need to question things - and I think you should do exactly what I did. Open the can of worms. At the end of the day, it can only get better once the worst has been set in motion. I know it's tough to admit to yourself that something you once believed was so great and indestructible is coming to an end, but the thing is, you're only doing yourself a disservice by being dishonest to yourself. You aren't respecting yourself and your independence, and I think you will be a much bigger person if you bring up the topic first, because you aren't keeping yourself (or her) in the shadows. Life's about (well, at least on chapter of it) falling in love, breaking up, getting your heart broken, and moving on. Forgetting is what makes us human, and what makes us strong.

Good luck to you!
xxx

Thank-you so much for your thoughtful reply. It has instilled some optimism about my current situation. I do believe you are right though, I think it may be best for me just to be completely honest with her about how I feel, who knows, maybe I might reap something from this. Or better still have a new revelation. It may just fall on deaf ears, but at least I will know I tried. Thanks again for your time. :smile: