The Student Room Group

Mistakes parents make on Results Day

BBC News have come up with a list of 10 mistakes parents make on Results Day - have you made any of them today? :erm:

BBC News

1. Not realising whatever you say is going to be wrong.

Always being in the wrong is part of the job description of being a teenager's parent. But when the envelope is opened you need to show the right expression to match the results. Otherwise you face a terrible, emergency, gear-crunching change of direction. Just when you've put on your best sympathy-at-a-funeral face, you realise that you're meant to be celebrating. Those results are... absolutely. We're proud of you. Never doubted you for a second. Punch the air.

2. Not really meaning it.

This is a tough one to get around. You've delivered what you thought was a little gem of supportive parenting. It was so sincere that it more or less came with its own orchestra. It's so empathetic that parts of your head have dissolved into soft focus. But you hit the crash barriers at speed, because you're told: "You don't really mean it. You're just saying it. If you think it's a disaster, just say it."

3. Changing your Facebook status to "gutted".

You know the dangerous territory we're entering. A Facebook mother armed with an iPad and something chilled, makes a stray comment about exam results not going entirely to plan. There's a throwaway remark about the Titanic. It's only intended to be a bit ironic, a little joke between parents. Teenagers might laugh a lot but don't mistake this for a sense of humour. Not about these exams, no way. If you want to destroy my life just tell me to my face.

4. "Why would I be disappointed? This is fantastic news, isn't it?"

Keep that smile more frozen than fish fingers in a polar bear's deep freeze. You have to show you're happy. Those grades look impressive, but don't make the error of expecting unbridled joy. For today's high-pressure teenagers, anything that isn't perfect is a disaster. They may as well scrap their career plans right now. The world has ended. Look at all those blonde triplets jumping on the front page of the Daily Telegraph. They've got an A* in everything. Why haven't I? Keep smiling.

5. "Almost as good as your cousin."

Don't even think about it. The most inflammatory parental response is a comparison to the perfect cousin or sibling, so clever that their results illuminate the entire extended family like a constellation of grade A*s shining in the night sky. This has been winding everyone up since nursery school. Also to be avoided are such morale-boosters as: "Congratulations, you've nearly done as well as that eight-year-old in Hong Kong."

6. "Of course these days they more or less give away A-levels."

You might secretly think this, but keep such careless talk to yourself. This generation can only take the exams put in front of them and they've worked harder than we ever did. Mind you, come to mention it, until 1987, there was a limit on the amount of top grades, so in fact... Stop, there's no going back.

7. "If you were really pleased you would pay for my festival ticket."

Difficult one. Of course, we're pleased about the results. Not so much about the blackmail. And have you seen the price of tickets? I know we said that if you revised really hard and got good results we'd be really pleased. But let's not get carried away. There's always room for improvement, look at your cousin...

8. "We still love you anyway. It isn't that bad, considering."

There are some well-intentioned phrases that are about as supportive as a trap door. File them away with "Not the end of the world", "It could have been worse" and "To be honest, I wasn't really ever sure about that university, even though you've already bought the sweatshirt." You may as well start hand-stitching them a banner with "Loser" written on it.

9. Richard Branson didn't go to university.

Folksy optimism works in animated movies about puppies with special powers, not in a world where teenagers' bad news spreads like a plague from text to Tweet to social networking. Avoid life-affirming success-from-failure stories, especially when someone has just unexpectedly found themselves in a failure-from-success story.

10. Looking slightly wistful when you're meant to sound delighted.

You know it's really good news. Everything has gone well. All the hard work has been worthwhile. But you can't help but feel that twinge of parental nostalgia. And the "twinge" is a lump in the throat the size of a supertanker in a canal. Five minutes ago they were bringing home drawings from primary school and now they're getting exam results at the very end of all their school years. Raise a glass and say nothing.

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Reply 1
My dad has 0 qualifications, dyslexic to the point he can't even write and now finds himself in a very good position financially.

i disagree with the Richard Branson one.
Just simply speaking sometimes....
When your whole family decide what's apparently "best" for you
Comparing your results and your uni to other family members
Just being there/interrupting you when you're trying to talk to unis on the phone
Trying to supportive when really they're making things worse


Just some examples of the things I went through today :frown:
If we're genuinely asking what they do wrong, from a teacher's perspective I would say trying to take over. Don't make the phone calls, don't sit in on the talk between the student and the head of sixth and butt in with the answers. Let your child grow up and take some responsibility.
Reply 5
" Mum, I got into my firm uni! :bigsmile:

".... m'kay..... well done."

FML
Reply 6
I thought it was a pretty funny article from the beeb :lol:
Reply 7
Apparently

Do not go on their university website whilst they are out celebrating with friends then tell them things they want to find out for themselves


I am a BAD MUMMY
Original post by TenOfThem
Apparently

Do not go on their university website whilst they are out celebrating with friends then tell them things they want to find out for themselves


I am a BAD MUMMY

You know that's not true. It's just too tempting. I had Sprog 2's Track page on my ipod when the app first came out. It's to do with being in the trade as well.
Reply 9
Original post by carnationlilyrose
It's to do with being in the trade as well.


Yeah, we know too much

:biggrin:

I am still dancing on the ceiling
Original post by TenOfThem
Yeah, we know too much

:biggrin:

I am still dancing on the ceiling

I'm there with you in spirit.:biggrin:
Reply 11
As results day is fast approaching I thought I'd remind people of this article. ....
Reply 12
Yeah, Aldi should be stocking self flagellation whips and hair shirts for us parentals seeing as it's the season for it. :biggrin:

"Remember, once they're gone they're gone!" :biggrin:
If my results were bad, my parents would never try to console me or act happy. They would lock me up with revision guides and then throw away the key.
Original post by Folion
Yeah, Aldi should be stocking self flagellation whips and hair shirts for us parentals seeing as it's the season for it. :biggrin:

"Remember, once they're gone they're gone!" :biggrin:

A parent's place is in the wrong.
Every year a very small proportion of applicants have problems on or immediately after results day. The problems change from year to year; the guaranteed accommodation that isn't; the course that is only cancelled in mid August; the invitation to take a gap year because a course is over-filled; the failure to hold places for re-marks. Most appear earth-shattering at the time but can be sorted out with a morning on the telephone.

Can I make a plea to parents, if that happens to your son or daughter; do not involved too early. Let them sort it out. Don't take over. Have them get advice on TSR and then get them to apply that advice.

There are two reasons for this. Firstly in two months time, they will be on their own to deal with every problem. If you take over now, what you are really saying is that they are not ready for university.

Secondly, you are the nuclear option. If the usual processes do not solve a very serious problem, you will be the person on the phone to the Vice-Chancellor's PA or your MP. You will only have credibility to do this if you are not the person who has been dealing with this from the outset. You need to be detached from the process. An MP won't want a blow by blow account. He will just want the jaw-dropping injustice of what has occurred.



Posted from TSR Mobile
(edited 9 years ago)
Original post by nulli tertius
Every year a very small proportion of applicants have problems on or immediately after results day. The problems change from year to year; the guaranteed accommodation that isn't; the course that is only cancelled in mid August; the invitation to take a gap year because a course is over-filled; the failure to hold places for re-marks. Most appear earth-shattering at the time but can be sorted out with a morning on the telephone.

Can I make a plea to parents, if that happens to your son or daughter; do not involved too early. Let them sort it out. Don't take over. Have them get advice on TSR and then get them to apply that advice.

There are two reasons for this. Firstly in two months time, they will be on their own to deal with every problem. If you take over now, what you are really saying is that they are not ready for university.

Secondly, you are the nuclear option. If the usual processes do not solve a very serious problem, you will be the person on the phone to the Vice-Chancellor's PA or your MP. You will only have credibility to do this if you are not the person who has been dealing with this from the outset. You need to be detached from the process. An MP won't want a blow by blow account. He will just want the jaw-dropping injustice of what has occurred.



Posted from TSR Mobile

Incredibly helpful, spot on advice, as always. Don't be helicopter parents. Your kids are adults now and the university won't talk to you when they are students, so you might as well get used to it. Be the gentle voice of calm and reason, but leave them to it. This is my advice as both a teacher and a parent. It's incredibly hard to do, sometimes, but it has to be done.
Reply 17
Came home from school with 10 A*'s, got told off for returning late (3pm)...yeah.
My mother got a text with my results that morning and didn't tell me...sat in the car while I went into school to get my results alone, me all nervous when she knew I'd passed!
Original post by carnationlilyrose
A parent's place is in the wrong.


This one. If they get into their firm and you look pleased for them they will start to think you're glad to be rid of them. If you leave them to it they'll blame you when they don't have half the things they need, if you offer a helpful suggestion (door wedge and wine, anyone?) you are interfering. Just recognise that it's a stressful time for them and that they are nervous about making new friends. Don't let them think that everyone loves university or has a great time from the start and do say you're at the end of a phone if needed. Don't encourage them to come home often as it will prevent them settling.

Many young people are too immature to leave home but they'll be doing it anyway. I disagree with the let them flounder approach, there are some occasions too important for that. That doesn't mean they shouldn't be doing the talking to universities etc but you can discuss it with them first. Of course you may already have encouraged them to have a backup plan in place. And never rely on the head of sixth doing their job properly.

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