Once cheated/harmed, now gets revenge on others...why?

Hi,
I want to ask you sth. I have seen many, many people (some of them are my friends) getting heartbroken because their partners, whom they truly loved and treasured, have cheated on them. Since then, it took them years to recover and start dating once again. But this time they get multiply partners that they pretend they love and just get fun. They promised to never love again and only play. But among their new partners I have seen and meet lovely, pure-hearted people who have no wrong intentions but sadly there is no happy ending for them. It hurts me to see that and I tried many times to talk with my friends about stopping this stupid revenge game, especially on innocent people. My question is why a person once harmed believes that everybody is like that? I mean, obviously there are horrible people (cheaters are absolute s*%*#) but also good as well. And if these good people get hurt, they may change and act the same way - it's like a sick cycle. Idk, I admit I have never loved somebody as in "this one true love" and I guess I don't know about such intense emotions but this dating game for revenge is horrible! It needs to stop! Why people can't continue with their life, be more careful when choosing new partners? I can imagine how terrible is it when somebody cheats on you and again, I may have never experience this and I may not understand people in love... But it doesn't seem ok, right?

Primarily these notions and behaviours you describe form a defence mechanism against future heartache. There's two separate points, one of evasion and one of revenge. These are just my two cents.

In the evasion part (not going into serious relationships), the person who has been cheated on has taken it very badly. The emotional trauma has been significant, and they don't want to go through that again, so refuse to invest themselves emotionally in another relationship. Their relationship experience is clouded by the single bad event of the cheating. Often this cynicism in approach to relationships ('everyone cheats') is an excellent means of protecting oneself and blaming everyone else for the failure of the relationship. Simply put, the refusal to engage emotionally again is a 'perfect' defence mechanism.

The revenge part is more difficult, but I have seen it too. They may insist that they are open about their intentions, but more likely they just want to take the other side. If offered a choice between cheating and being cheated on (the only two states their cynicism now allows), they pick being the cheater. It may also be a pre-emptive action against being cheated on. They may see it as a form of vicarious revenge against their former partner, or a way or reasserting their emotional authority on the opposite gender. It may alleviate feelings of powerlessness by allowing this person to be the destroyer of the relationship.

What you have to understand is that the scale of injury of something like cheating is severe and long-lasting for many people. There is no greater betrayal in life. Coping with that, emotionally, is not easy. Often people are unwilling to seek friends' help out of reasons of shame/self-blame. It can disillusion a person to romance and love.

Sure, the mature thing is to recognise that it was the work of a single individual and to move on positively without allowing the incident to cloud one's perceptions of others in general (how often do we see a thread 'why do all men/women cheat'?). This is difficult and unsatisfactory - it feels like accepting a defeat without any means of getting back at the other person. Being defensive, cynical and even cruel is a far easier way to work out one's emotional stresses.

It's not ok and it goes on to hurt and alienate others. But when we are angry and upset, we can be very selfish too. This does not excuse any of the behaviours mentioned. I hope that offers a little insight into the matter.

Hi,
I want to ask you sth. I have seen many, many people (some of them are my friends) getting heartbroken because their partners, whom they truly loved and treasured, have cheated on them. Since then, it took them years to recover and start dating once again. But this time they get multiply partners that they pretend they love and just get fun. They promised to never love again and only play. But among their new partners I have seen and meet lovely, pure-hearted people who have no wrong intentions but sadly there is no happy ending for them. It hurts me to see that and I tried many times to talk with my friends about stopping this stupid revenge game, especially on innocent people. My question is why a person once harmed believes that everybody is like that? I mean, obviously there are horrible people (cheaters are absolute s*%*#) but also good as well. And if these good people get hurt, they may change and act the same way - it's like a sick cycle. Idk, I admit I have never loved somebody as in "this one true love" and I guess I don't know about such intense emotions but this dating game for revenge is horrible! It needs to stop! Why people can't continue with their life, be more careful when choosing new partners? I can imagine how terrible is it when somebody cheats on you and again, I may have never experience this and I may not understand people in love... But it doesn't seem ok, right?

You are very wise and observant. It is a cycle, which once started is hard to break for the people involved. It takes a special kind of person to break their personal cycle, or for a special type of partner to make that person who is affected break the cycle. Theoretically, if one person starts off the hurt, then the affected goes on and hurts others (maybe those others are pure of heart as you say) and they carry the pain and they in turn hurt others. But the thing is it isn't just a thought, it is real and it does happen (being a part of love and a lesson in life).
When I was in high school (around 15-16ish) I was interested in 4 girls at that point in my life. The first one, I asked out was excited at the idea but instead she went out with one of my best friends. The second one I had liked for years, but she ended up leading me on just to make another one of my best friends jealous. The third and the fourth simply said no (in different ways) when I asked them out...This onslaught of hurt (and i'm not afraid to say it because i'm a guy) was so emotionally and psychologically crippling in so many ways and it was part of the cycle you mentioned. hmmm

I'm sorry to hear that and it was really nasty of the second girl to lead you on just to make the other person jealous (what kind of a start for a relationship is that?!) For me relationship should be about mutual attraction, absolute trust and respect (sorry if I sound too delusional but this is the relationships I have seen existing in my family and within my friends as well). I don't believe in "love at first signs", people are too crazy about each other, they are not thinking rationally (yes, I know, love is not rational). I prefer to built love on my own than fall into the illusion of love, so often seen nowadays... Sometimes I see marriages of convenience/arranged to last longer or even forever that these taken out of "true love", where if something goes wrong people just split/divorce. Relationships is much more about working on it than taking it for granted, of course you need a worthy partner for life, somebody who wants to be with you for the rest of their lives.

You don't sounds bitter and eager for revenge which is very good and healthly. I mean, the feeling of hurt is awful but continuing living like that, getting revenge is awful as well. You can never be truly happy, you're always scared if you're not in control. I mean, people say new love can heal the previous one, provided it brings you real joy. Idk, love is such a complicated feeling...

Yeah, at the time I was quite shell-shocked and wondered how they morally felt at ease with the whole situation. But that was years ago.
Your definition, or what you seek as the criteria for a relationship is right and a good one I might add. It's thought out, and involves a physical and emotional combinations which leads to a better 'success' rate of relationships. It is not at all delusional, and it is good you've had role model relationship exposure. However, the caution would be that having a stringent criteria (which a lot of people do) might mean waiting longer than usual to find that person you are looking for (and even then it may fail for reasons you cant comprehend). Its usually good to be quite open and flexible with partners (although your points about trust and respect should be as unchanging as a fixed point in time). Oh in respect of love, sometimes it isn't something you can plan, that's where the term 'falling hopelessly in love' comes from. Simply you can't do anything about it, which is why so many people who are hurt by their partners take them back or give them a second chance (or more). Relationships don't necessarily have to be for life I mean people sometimes need to try different fits, test the waters, experience what the world has to offer. But more importantly for a lot of people you don't know who is right for you, until you learn what kind of people are wrong for you. If you can find that person, never let them go. But you might find even with that perfect person, over time you may 'rubber-band' i.e hurt each other,but find each other again and love each other more after the fact.
Oh again, I only put a bit of my 'story' into the paragraph above. It is true that i'm not necessarily bitter or angry or out from revenge (which is what you gleaned from my post) but I am not a perfect person myself, although i'd agree i'm healthy and balanced. New love is a beautiful thing though, you're right!