I've been an idiot. Please help
This is kind of a long story so I'll keep it short and fill in details if you need them.
Basically, was with a boy for nearly 5 years, I was very young and stupid and became besotted with him even though he wasnt good for me and the relationship was toxic.
We ended and I quickly got with someone else, who I have now been with for almost 4 years. I have kept contact on and off with boy 1 throughout my second relationship. Although it's not been anything romantic, I am ashamed to say that this has been in secret. The past few months this contact has intensified to talking for hours everyday. Now, boy 1 has gone away on holiday for a fortnight and I feel lost without him.
I know I shouldnt still be talking to him, specially behind my bfs back. But all the times he hasnt been in my life i feel as though I have an empty hole in my body. I am sitting here now wondering how I am going to cope 2 weeks without speaking to him (he will be in the middle of no where with no phone signal, wifi etc). Thing is, speaking to him is a lot easier than with my bf so maybe thats why i hold on to him.
I know now would be the perfect opportunity to get him out of my life forever and to tell my bf the truth, but I feel so confused. I don't know what to do, I don't know what help I'm asking for here either I just need other peoples insights, thoughts, advice.......
Basically, was with a boy for nearly 5 years, I was very young and stupid and became besotted with him even though he wasnt good for me and the relationship was toxic.
We ended and I quickly got with someone else, who I have now been with for almost 4 years. I have kept contact on and off with boy 1 throughout my second relationship. Although it's not been anything romantic, I am ashamed to say that this has been in secret. The past few months this contact has intensified to talking for hours everyday. Now, boy 1 has gone away on holiday for a fortnight and I feel lost without him.
I know I shouldnt still be talking to him, specially behind my bfs back. But all the times he hasnt been in my life i feel as though I have an empty hole in my body. I am sitting here now wondering how I am going to cope 2 weeks without speaking to him (he will be in the middle of no where with no phone signal, wifi etc). Thing is, speaking to him is a lot easier than with my bf so maybe thats why i hold on to him.
I know now would be the perfect opportunity to get him out of my life forever and to tell my bf the truth, but I feel so confused. I don't know what to do, I don't know what help I'm asking for here either I just need other peoples insights, thoughts, advice.......
Bump
You probably should get out as it isn't fair to your boyfriend, but it is a scary thing to do and you risk losing everything. Speak to Boy 1 when you can and see what his view of the situation is. Does he think there is a future for the both of you?
That probably isn't overly helpful... sorry.
That probably isn't overly helpful... sorry.
What do you want? You need to seriously evaluate this or you'll end up regretting your decision. I was kind of in a similar position but not really and to an extent I still regret it now two years later.
Think about it - the first guy was toxic and it would probably end like that again. Don't ruin a good thing you have now if you don't have to. Just stop talking to him.
Think about it - the first guy was toxic and it would probably end like that again. Don't ruin a good thing you have now if you don't have to. Just stop talking to him.
Boy 2 sounds like a rebound that for some reason you have kept around, even though you don't trust him or need him as much as your ex or even talk to him as much. Boy 1 sounds like the guy you're still not over emotionally even though intellectually you know it's toxic, as you put it.
Honestly, from what I can see? Boy 1, you should cut contact with. You're torturing yourself and not allowing yourself to move on, even after 4 years with someone else. He might be good for you now, he might not, but either way you need the space. Boy 2, you don't feel as strongly about. You are probably leading him on and I think you know that you are - that's why you've kept the fact you talk to your ex a secret. If you were over him and felt secure with your current partner, you'd be open and honest. But you can't be, can you, because you know you do still have feelings for him, to the point you feel lost without him and talk to him every day.
You're not being fair to yourself or the boy you're with. You need to admit you are still clinging to your ex, and I mean truly admit it, before you can start moving on and start a fresh page. Getting caught up in something from so long ago isn't healthy. Listen to your head, not your heart, no matter what the romcoms tell you, sometimes even though it's hard, you have to back off.
Honestly, from what I can see? Boy 1, you should cut contact with. You're torturing yourself and not allowing yourself to move on, even after 4 years with someone else. He might be good for you now, he might not, but either way you need the space. Boy 2, you don't feel as strongly about. You are probably leading him on and I think you know that you are - that's why you've kept the fact you talk to your ex a secret. If you were over him and felt secure with your current partner, you'd be open and honest. But you can't be, can you, because you know you do still have feelings for him, to the point you feel lost without him and talk to him every day.
You're not being fair to yourself or the boy you're with. You need to admit you are still clinging to your ex, and I mean truly admit it, before you can start moving on and start a fresh page. Getting caught up in something from so long ago isn't healthy. Listen to your head, not your heart, no matter what the romcoms tell you, sometimes even though it's hard, you have to back off.
(edited 10 years ago)
I'm surprised how nice everyone is being here. If this was a male clinging onto his female ex of 5 years whilst with his current girlfriend of 4 years there would be a race to destroy the guy and create a veritable cluster****.
Tbph you have been a ****ing terrible girlfriend for four years. Four years of emotionally cheating on your current boyfriend. Imagine how you would feel if the roles were reversed, knowing that not just has a major part of his life been seecret from you for four years, the major part is his ex girlfriend who he can't get over and keeps around because she fulfills him emotionally in ways that you can't.
You should dump the lad who you are with now but don't tell him what you have been up to, otherwise you will just be crushing him to assuage yourself of any guilty feelings, which I don't think you really have. Your feelings seem much more self-centered, which again is a reason to split up with him.
On top of that, do any potential future partners a favour, get back with your ex, fall back into the same toxic trap for about 6 months and then dump him and cease all contact with him. Otherwise this situation will continue happening over and over again.
Tbph you have been a ****ing terrible girlfriend for four years. Four years of emotionally cheating on your current boyfriend. Imagine how you would feel if the roles were reversed, knowing that not just has a major part of his life been seecret from you for four years, the major part is his ex girlfriend who he can't get over and keeps around because she fulfills him emotionally in ways that you can't.
You should dump the lad who you are with now but don't tell him what you have been up to, otherwise you will just be crushing him to assuage yourself of any guilty feelings, which I don't think you really have. Your feelings seem much more self-centered, which again is a reason to split up with him.
On top of that, do any potential future partners a favour, get back with your ex, fall back into the same toxic trap for about 6 months and then dump him and cease all contact with him. Otherwise this situation will continue happening over and over again.
Original post by desdemonata
Boy 2 sounds like a rebound that for some reason you have kept around, even though you don't trust him or need him as much as your ex or even talk to him as much. Boy 1 sounds like the guy you're still not over emotionally even though intellectually you know it's toxic, as you put it.
My current bf was a rebound, that's always been known to both of us. But honestly, we were great for the first 3 yrs - I haven't jst kept him around to fill my time. ,I wasn't in contact with my ex during this time, I think I said on and off throughout in my original post but it has really only been in the past year, with it intensifying in the past few months. Thinking about it I suppose it was getting back in touchwith my ex which reignited the feelings which never really went away, I had just avoided and forgot about them for so long because I was happy with my bf
Original post by Anonymous
This is kind of a long story so I'll keep it short and fill in details if you need them.
Basically, was with a boy for nearly 5 years, I was very young and stupid and became besotted with him even though he wasnt good for me and the relationship was toxic.
We ended and I quickly got with someone else, who I have now been with for almost 4 years. I have kept contact on and off with boy 1 throughout my second relationship. Although it's not been anything romantic, I am ashamed to say that this has been in secret. The past few months this contact has intensified to talking for hours everyday. Now, boy 1 has gone away on holiday for a fortnight and I feel lost without him.
I know I shouldnt still be talking to him, specially behind my bfs back. But all the times he hasnt been in my life i feel as though I have an empty hole in my body. I am sitting here now wondering how I am going to cope 2 weeks without speaking to him (he will be in the middle of no where with no phone signal, wifi etc). Thing is, speaking to him is a lot easier than with my bf so maybe thats why i hold on to him.
I know now would be the perfect opportunity to get him out of my life forever and to tell my bf the truth, but I feel so confused. I don't know what to do, I don't know what help I'm asking for here either I just need other peoples insights, thoughts, advice.......
Basically, was with a boy for nearly 5 years, I was very young and stupid and became besotted with him even though he wasnt good for me and the relationship was toxic.
We ended and I quickly got with someone else, who I have now been with for almost 4 years. I have kept contact on and off with boy 1 throughout my second relationship. Although it's not been anything romantic, I am ashamed to say that this has been in secret. The past few months this contact has intensified to talking for hours everyday. Now, boy 1 has gone away on holiday for a fortnight and I feel lost without him.
I know I shouldnt still be talking to him, specially behind my bfs back. But all the times he hasnt been in my life i feel as though I have an empty hole in my body. I am sitting here now wondering how I am going to cope 2 weeks without speaking to him (he will be in the middle of no where with no phone signal, wifi etc). Thing is, speaking to him is a lot easier than with my bf so maybe thats why i hold on to him.
I know now would be the perfect opportunity to get him out of my life forever and to tell my bf the truth, but I feel so confused. I don't know what to do, I don't know what help I'm asking for here either I just need other peoples insights, thoughts, advice.......
I felt/feel the same way about my first ex who I was with for 3 years and was the best friend Iv ever had. Even though the relationship became very toxic, I still care about her and cherish the good memories with her a year and a half, and a 2nd relationship after we broke up, and have started having long friendly conversations with her recently. Although I know I felt more strongly for her than anyone else in my life for personal reasons, I also think there is something about your first major relationship that just doesnt go away, regardless of your other feelings or who you might be seeing.
I think in general it would be best to be alone until you have healed properly from your first relationship, but in your case, after 4 years with someone it might be best to first tell your boyfriend about your contact and feelings and see what he says, but try to continue your friendship with your ex.
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