The Student Room Group

Dated for 3.5 years...LDR starts, she cheats...don't know how to move forward at all.

Scroll to see replies

Reply 60
Original post by Anonymous
Seriously, if he slept with another girl for 3 weeks straight and came to you and said sorry, you'd take him back after a week? You're a far more forgiving person than I am is all I can say...I just can't see myself being one of those people who gets cheated on (and this wasn't a one time thing or anything) and trying to move past it. It won't ever be the same again, and right now I'm in a state where I don't want to talk to her for months/block her out completely.


I've thought through your viewpoint but just thinking about her with this other guy is making my blood boil...I'm going to see her in around 3 hours.

I think its best that I end things at this point...I'll never ever trust her again, 3 weeks she did this, all while skyping with me every day and telling me she loved me...funny way of showing it.

Thanks a lot for your views everyone...I think I'm 99% certain I'll end it...now to think of how exactly I'm going to go about that conversation. I really hope I'm making the right decision.

well, I imagine 3 weeks is like a year when it comes to cheating. But I think you should give yourself some time. I understand that now you just want to put her out of your life and forget about this whole relationship. But man, it was 3.5 yrs you've been dating her. And you mentioned that you was her first boyfriend and probably you unvirgined her. Maybe she just wanted to see how it is with another guy? I know, this is ****ty explanation but me too sometimes I think how it would be to try with another guy (although that's just like 5 seconds thought and never a serious one).
Well, I am not trying to protect your girl cause surely she acted horribly but I still think you should take at least few days of pause before making such important decision like break up.
Original post by Anonymous
I do still love her, and I think the next few weeks will be incredibly hard, especially when everyone in the known universe finds out and asks questions etc, but I think it may harm my future if I stay on with her. I'm not the worrying/jealous type but I fear I may become that and I don't want to ruin my uni/work aspirations by becoming obsessed thinking about if she's with that dude again.

Well, that's what I think right now. When I see her and she's crying and begging to take me back, I hope I can still think with a relatively clear mind. I hope I'm doing the right thing. I've still not told anyone barring my best mate cause I want to finish it, deactive my facebook for around a month so I don't get those WHY posts and consoling messages, and concentrate on work.

What a fun 36 hours this has been. No sleep and 700 kilos of ice cream. :redface:


You're right to end it. Like you said, you'll never trust her again and rightly so. You can't have a relationship without trust.

If it helps, remember this: There are about 20 threads a day on here where the OP is a 19-21 year old who has been with somebody for 3-6 years and one of them has cheated. They believe they were meant for each other, they'd only ever been with each other, they talked about getting married, and now their world is over, etc. etc. EXACTLY like this thread. Ask any of them a year or two later whether they regret breaking up and whether they still think that partner was "the one" and 99.9% of them will say no.

It's almost impossible to see it that way right now I'm sure, but trust me, this girl is not the one for you and in the not-so-distant future, you'll be completely over this.
Dump her. You'll never trust her ever again, and the fact that you said you're tempted to humiliate her due to how submissive she's being (I would be too), says that you've already pushed her from your mind.

Also, you got together too young. Who you are now isn't who you both were then.
Reply 63
Firstly I'd like to thank everyone who gave valuable advice on this thread.

I finally decided to go ahead and meet her as planned today. Was probably the most awkward and painful conversation I've ever had.

We met for a coffee but she insisted we go outside and go for a walk and talk. She apologized, started to cry and said she loved me and would do anything to make things work. It was hard to see her like that, but then I reminded myself of what she'd done and though I wanted to call her a fithy **** and leave her there crying I didn't. Her excuses ranged from she was lonely to 'there weren't feelings involved'.

We talked for a good 45 minutes, and she was adamant she wants to try and said she'd do anything but eventually I got my point across to her that there was no coming back from this for me. I got a little harsh at the end...and kind of feel bad about the way I want to cut all contact permanently while she cried. She held my hand and said, please don't be hasty and don't end this and I said my goodbye, asked her to not contact me and walked away. It was so difficult to do that, absolutely tore me apart to say that to her and walk away even though I know I'll miss her over the coming months...I think its the best decision for my sanity and peace of mind.

Now I'm single, and its time for the pity texts and consoling messages from the universe...I know they all mean well but I just want some alone time I guess. I think I'll find it extremely difficult to deal with all that.

So this was my first love. Some ****ing experience. I've come out of today somehow feeling like the bad guy. Maybe I am, I don't know.
Reply 64
Original post by Anonymous
Firstly I'd like to thank everyone who gave valuable advice on this thread.

I finally decided to go ahead and meet her as planned today. Was probably the most awkward and painful conversation I've ever had.

We met for a coffee but she insisted we go outside and go for a walk and talk. She apologized, started to cry and said she loved me and would do anything to make things work. It was hard to see her like that, but then I reminded myself of what she'd done and though I wanted to call her a fithy **** and leave her there crying I didn't. Her excuses ranged from she was lonely to 'there weren't feelings involved'.

We talked for a good 45 minutes, and she was adamant she wants to try and said she'd do anything but eventually I got my point across to her that there was no coming back from this for me. I got a little harsh at the end...and kind of feel bad about the way I want to cut all contact permanently while she cried. She held my hand and said, please don't be hasty and don't end this and I said my goodbye, asked her to not contact me and walked away. It was so difficult to do that, absolutely tore me apart to say that to her and walk away even though I know I'll miss her over the coming months...I think its the best decision for my sanity and peace of mind.

Now I'm single, and its time for the pity texts and consoling messages from the universe...I know they all mean well but I just want some alone time I guess. I think I'll find it extremely difficult to deal with all that.

So this was my first love. Some ****ing experience. I've come out of today somehow feeling like the bad guy. Maybe I am, I don't know.


Well done, I personally would find it so hard to do that.. youre defo not he bad guy dude

Posted from TSR Mobile
I know you don't want to hear this, but you cannot stay in the relationship with her. If you do, you are essentially telling her that you are a doormat and no matter how horribly she treats you, you will just lay down and take it with zero consequences for her.

In my opinion, one instance of cheating, while not acceptable, can be forgiven. People can make mistakes. However, she was sleeping with this guy for 3 weeks. This means that after doing it once, she didn't regret it enough to stop sleeping with him. She continued doing it despite knowing that she was in a relationship with you. It shows questionable morals at best, and though she might be sorry now, she spent 3 weeks with a guy that wasn't you.
Ive been following this thread from the start and never commented. What you did was amazing. Honestly, It must of been extremely hard but seriously, what you did was the right choice. If you had gotten back with her, you wouldn't be able to love her the same way

God bless you, all the best. You did great. So much respect for you.
Original post by Anonymous
Firstly I'd like to thank everyone who gave valuable advice on this thread.

......


I'm really glad you made the right decision. You'll look back on this day in years time with pride. You have shown great respect for yourself and not given in to the powerful emotion involved.

If I knew you in person, I'd buy you a beer.
Original post by Anonymous
Firstly I'd like to thank everyone who gave valuable advice on this thread.

I finally decided to go ahead and meet her as planned today. Was probably the most awkward and painful conversation I've ever had.

We met for a coffee but she insisted we go outside and go for a walk and talk. She apologized, started to cry and said she loved me and would do anything to make things work. It was hard to see her like that, but then I reminded myself of what she'd done and though I wanted to call her a fithy **** and leave her there crying I didn't. Her excuses ranged from she was lonely to 'there weren't feelings involved'.


Well done OP. You made a great decision and now you can move on with your head held high :smile:
You'll feel terrible for the next few months while you get used to not having her around but you won't regret your decision. Best of luck for the future. You sound like an amazing guy.

Posted from TSR Mobile
Leave, leave, leave. I'd be very close to getting convicted for murder if I was in your place.


Posted from TSR Mobile
Oh man, I'm so sorry that she's put you through this. I know that 3.5 years is a long time to have spent with someone when you're both so young, and that it's horrendous to think about throwing your time together away, but it seems to mean a LOT less to her than it does to you. I can't believe that she was shagging another guy for THREE WEEKS and you haven't already told her to never contact you again. I don't know how you could ever trust here again to be honest, especially as you'd have to be in an LDR again.

You need to move on and find someone who will respect you and your relationship. This girl does not.

Additional food for thought: Girls generally cheat when there is an underlying problem in their relationship and they are unhappy because of it - it's usually not just for sex. So if she was unhappy and didn't talk to you about it, but cheated instead, she demonstrated a lack of honesty and trustworthiness anyway. You have to be able to communicate with your partner. Even if you stayed with her, she could continue with this issue unaddressed, continue being unhappy, and continue falling into bed with other guys. Or she may continue cheating anyway, as you staying with her will have told her that she may do so without fear of repurcussions/losing her safety blanket. You are just her safety blanket now, to come back to after the other guy. I'm sorry that this sounds harsh, but you need to do yourself a favour and cut her off completely. Sorry, OP. :frown:

EDIT: OP, I've just seen your last post. Well done for being strong and recognising that it's time to draw this chapter of your life to a close. I truly wish you all the best for the future! However hard this is now, and will be for a while, you are definitely doing the right thing and your future self will thank you. And you're definitely not the bad guy! Cutting contact totally is DEFINITELY the best way to go immediately after a break-up. It's difficult, but also makes things - moving on - much easier than they would be otherwise. Speaking from experience here! Again, warmest wishes :smile:
(edited 10 years ago)
Original post by Foo.mp3

If I were you I would tell her you're setting her free and that if, in the fullness of time, she realises the gravity of the mistake she has made and has got her whoring about well and truly out of her system then you may consider giving it another shot. In the meantime she has an awful lot of growing up to do and you cannot trust her in a LDR so there's no chance of an exclusive relationship for the time being


I don't think this is ever a good idea, to be honest. If I were to say it to someone there'd probably always (or at least for a considerable time) be a part of me holding out for them to come back, preventing me from finding something better. And it gives her the idea that you're prepared to wait for her even though she'd been a cheating strumpet; that she can shag around and have you waiting faithfully in the wings for when she's finished with the others - I'm surprised to hear that coming from someone who is firmly against males presenting themselves as weak...

Just a thought!
Reply 72
Original post by arrowhead
I was exactly in the same situation as you 10 months ago. The girl I dates for 6 years, my first girlfriend/love/everything. She moved to New York for uni and I stayed in Britain, we made LDR work. I went to NY to surprise her with a proposal, and she told me that she had been sleeping with another guy for months. I was shattered.

For the first few days I was numb. There wasn't a part of me that could really muster up the will to care. The honest answer is that: nothing works. People comfort you and you get a lot of sympathy, but nothing works. Betrayal of this kind doesn't just go away. It stays and festers and whether you want it to or not, it changes you irrevocably.

It took me 10 months (and counting!) to finally get to a place where I can date again. She really did a number on me.

The only truth in all of this is that you will recover, but it will take you a long, long time. I'm still recovering myself.

However, at that time, I posted on TSR and the community really came with a lot of good advice and support. I'm linking that thread here in case you want to browse some of the excellent advice that a lot of good people gave me and maybe you might find something there that will help you. http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?p=40533022&highlight=

If you need someone to talk to who knows pretty much exactly what you're going through, feel free to drop me a PM.

Hang in there, mate!

Arrowhead.


I remember bro :console:

That was so sad :frown:
Original post by Foo.mp3
I think I made it pretty clear from the tone of what I was saying that she should be dumped and he should get on with his life. However I do believe that love endures and that in select circumstances forgiveness may not be such a bad idea

Not at all, the language I used makes it quite clear that if she wants another crack it is she who must wait, and that it's last chance saloon if he subsequently does decide to afford her that 2nd chance

Ok, you've clearly misinterpreted what I said.. "faithfully"!?

You need to deconstruct your conception of what weakness entails. Recognising, what seems to the OP to be, a deep connection and 'true love' is not weak, and forgiving a silly teenage girl for being lead into temptation in a LDR if she demonstrates regret and changes as she matures is not necessarily weak

It may be optimistic, naive even, but YOLO works both ways, some guys may never get similar opportunities in their lives again - glib 'plenty more fish in the sea' type remarks, of the type that I often make to be fair, are all well and good, but those issuing them do not have to live with the consequences of related actions

If we were talking about settled adults then it'd be a different story, but these are highschool sweethearts in rather a complex and fluid LDR scenario


Thank you for clarifying! I do see, and agree with, a lot of what you've said.

Just a couple points:
I used "faithfully" to mostly mean that she'd still be the one you'd end up with. Not in the abstaining-from-seeing-others sense. Poor choice of word, I'm sure.

I didn't get the impression from anything the OP said that theirs was a "complex and fluid" relationship. Sounds like he thought she was the one, he mentioned she had brought up marriage - they (as far as he was concerned, at least) were in it for the long haul. Committed. Can't see anything fluid or complex in that myself.
Original post by Anonymous
So this was my first love. Some ****ing experience. I've come out of today somehow feeling like the bad guy. Maybe I am, I don't know.


personally i would have kept her as a very distant friend to avoid the guilt of upsetting her

no matter how justified the reason, anyone with a heart will feel like an ******* for inducing emotional distress in another
Original post by Table dust
personally i would have kept her as a very distant friend to avoid the guilt of upsetting her

no matter how justified the reason, anyone with a heart will feel like an ******* for inducing emotional distress in another


You lose any and all sympathy for compassion when you cheat. She needs to learn a lesson and emotional distress is an important part of that. Don't you think he's had enough without you guilt-tripping him for not being nice enough to his girlfriend of 3.5 years who just shagged a guy for 3 weeks? Bore off...
I understand where your coming from and Im sorry you have to decide. By reading what you have said, I can't see no way of you getting back to a normal relationship because of 2 reasons. 1, she lives the other side of the pond with means you won't see her that much which leads to number 2... you will always wonder if she is still seeing that other person in America which leads to arguments frustration and anger which you don't need while going into your new course. I understand if it was a drunken 1 night stand but 3 weeks is a long time and I'm sorry to tell you this but if it really went on for 3 weeks and she didn't have the decency to finish with you, she is only looking out for herself. Ive been there with someone cheating on me and its never the same after you lose that trust in someone. If you do take her back, just be firm with her and tell her that if she cheats again, not only will you end the relationship but you will also inform her family and friends of the reason why you are splitting up and she will soon change her tune!
Original post by Anonymous
Firstly I'd like to thank everyone who gave valuable advice on this thread.

I finally decided to go ahead and meet her as planned today. Was probably the most awkward and painful conversation I've ever had.

We met for a coffee but she insisted we go outside and go for a walk and talk. She apologized, started to cry and said she loved me and would do anything to make things work. It was hard to see her like that, but then I reminded myself of what she'd done and though I wanted to call her a fithy **** and leave her there crying I didn't. Her excuses ranged from she was lonely to 'there weren't feelings involved'.

We talked for a good 45 minutes, and she was adamant she wants to try and said she'd do anything but eventually I got my point across to her that there was no coming back from this for me. I got a little harsh at the end...and kind of feel bad about the way I want to cut all contact permanently while she cried. She held my hand and said, please don't be hasty and don't end this and I said my goodbye, asked her to not contact me and walked away. It was so difficult to do that, absolutely tore me apart to say that to her and walk away even though I know I'll miss her over the coming months...I think its the best decision for my sanity and peace of mind.

Now I'm single, and its time for the pity texts and consoling messages from the universe...I know they all mean well but I just want some alone time I guess. I think I'll find it extremely difficult to deal with all that.

So this was my first love. Some ****ing experience. I've come out of today somehow feeling like the bad guy. Maybe I am, I don't know.


Oh, you poor thing! That must have been so painful! Don't worry about being the "bad guy". You probably weren't that bad and besides she probably needed you to be harsh to see that you couldn't be persuaded to change your mind.

When it comes to no contact I think you did the right thing. It will keep messing with you to see what she's doing without you. Hide her from your fb feed if you don't want to delete her.

Good luck. I can't think how difficult this must be right now.


Posted from TSR Mobile
End it bro. Focus on your work. You might feel that she is the right one, but all the evidence points to her being wrong. Dont let your heart control your mind, your mind is the one tool in existence you have to break free of the chains of destiny.
Think you've made the right decision in pieing her, mate.

Crack on with everything else in your life. Go to uni, meet a load of new mates, roam single for a while, have a bit of fun, work hard, keep healthy and come out with that 1st class honours degree, worldie 10/10 girlfriend and a shiny new benz.

You'll come out on top

Quick Reply

Latest

Trending

Trending