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Death of my true love, and my dilemma.

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I do not think that you should have this child just because you're boyfriend has passed away and this is his only chance to have a child. Raising a child is a lifelong commitment and you have to make sure you're ready for that. You're young and hard as it may sound you may meet someone in the future. Only you can decide what to do, but I would think long and hard about it and seek out some professional and impartial advice.

Reply 21

Vickstar

I would agree with the above two posters. Evidentally this has been a trajedy and i am so sorry to hear of your loss. I do not deny that you would love this baby tremendously, but you are only 18 years of age and have your entire future to think about. I understand that you would want your boyfriend to live on through your child but if you are not ready for motherhood, then whatever the circumstances it would not best for you to go through with the pregnancy. Not to be disrespectful but this baby would tie you down completely.
I am sure you have thought about all this, and if you feel that having this baby is the best thing for you to do then I wish you all the luck and happiness in the future x

Reply 22

33.33.33

this is really just so upsetting :frown:

my thoughts are really with you, and i promise you they will be for some time. this is quite a dilemma but i do think having the baby would be the best option, there are plenty of other opportunities to go to university but this child will only come once. as for fueding parents, i think your parents need to understand what this child means. however, if you haven't discussed it with them yet, you can't be sure they will advise an abortion.

good luck with whatever you decide to do. XX

Reply 23

darryl

G4Z

My opinions mixed. Of course u have my deepest sympathies and a baby is always a blessing. However if u have this baby it will be a constant reminder of your boyfriend. You will be a single parent and it could hinder any near future relationships u might have.

Top advice, of course you know that this needs a lot of thought :smile:

and Im sure its been preying on your mind.

However, I know people who have suffered a loss such as yours and you will come to terms with that loss, in time.

Thinking about this objectively is tricky. However, you do have to consider if you want a baby just before you go to Uni? I'm not saying you shouldnt, we dont know your exact circumstances and it may well be very feasible :smile:

Talk to you parents - they will find out eventually, especially if you decide to keep the baby. Maybe his parents as well, it will help you (and them) come to terms with your tragic loss.

I wish you all the best in your decisions, I would suggest that you go and see your GP if you havent already and sign yourself for some counselling - it does help, honest :smile:

Reply 24

white_haired_wizard

Hmm, some of the last few messages have points but ones i wouldn't agree with AT ALL. You still have a part of him with you, if you have the baby - if i was in your situation, i understand it's impossible, me in a position to employ an empathy, but i'd most likely keep the baby as it'd remind me of him, his spirit lives alive etc..it sounds you were in love, are in love with memories etc...surely you want him to remain alive somehow....sorry if i'm coming across as crap with words....

I just simply would have the baby, if i was in your shoes. That's what i would do. Regardless of this being 'tied down' other posters are suggesting may happen, maybe there are some ways of working around problems regarding income, supporting the baby upbringing financially, time to invest effort into baby etc....and maybe, arguably, you do have some duty, i'm sure there's a better, more fitting word than 'duty', to your bf's parents...he was their son, they love you, you love them etc...keep a bond alive...not for the sake of it, but because you'd want it...we work many many years in a lifetime so if you wish to enter into jobs market, get qualifications from a higher education institution, there's no hurry, there really isn't...there's no harm, surely, in delaying taking qualifications, you could do them in a mature student, open university format, part-time courses....in years down the line, there's so much heavy emphasis on the 'now' with students...

There's obviously alot for you to think about so i'm sorry if i've swamped you with them....but 'tied down when young with a baby' doesn't really rub with me...if you have a highly supportive network of friends and family, yours and his...then that will help enormously if you choose to have his and your baby...

Good luck with your future, whatever you choose to decide...this is all subjective stuff/advice....
Take care xx

Reply 25

Anonymous #2

I posted on here about a month ago too as my boyfriend died about 5 weeks ago now and I was struggling to cope. Having experienced this I can at least empathise with this much. There is no magical advice - I'm still having very bad days. Some days I'll be fine and its as if nothing has changed other days I just spend crying with friends and really don't know how to cope. I wish I could give you advice but I can't - all I can say is *hug* and if its any consolatio nthere is someone out there who at least knows a bit how you feel. What keeps me going is at least I've loved ... although we may be sadder than many people at this exact moment, due to the fact we've loved we previously have been happier too :smile:

.

As for the baby I really don't know how I'd react in this situation. As you say it's hard enough letting go of your boyfriend let alone this remaining part of him and therefore I know your emotions will be saying keep the child. However you also have got to consider practicalities. In honesty whatever you choose you are being strong. There is no right or wrong answer and if you do believe in your boyfriend looking down on you then I'd say you know in your hearts and hearts what would matte rto him in this decision is that you are happy or as happy as you can be.

Reply 26

Pink Lady

I would keep it. It's very sad circumstances and you are young, but imagine what it will be like to see your baby for the first time once it is born. As for the parents, well it's your life, not theirs. You cannot allow them to dictate to you. I'm sure they will support you with what ever you decide to do.

As for university, you don't have to go now just because you feel you should. I know 25 year olds just starting uni. It really doesn't matter when or if you go, do what feels right.
x

Reply 27

Pseudomuse

I am deeply sorry to hear about your boyfriend, and i think the situation that your in is even more reason to keep the baby. the baby is a part of you and him, and is an integral sign of your everlasting love. sure it will be a stuggle and will not be easy, but after your child has grown-up, he will do you proud and will remain there as a reminder of your boyfriend

As for uni, there is still time to go, after the child has grown up a bit.

Take care of your-self

Reply 28

Caribou

Firstly, you have my deepest condolences. I don't think there are many people on here who would be able to fully comprehend what you are going through; I know I can't.

I agree that you should keep the baby.

Just because you will have a child, it does not mean that you can't go to uni. If your family are willing to help support you, I think it would be more than possible to attend a uni close to your home.

I have no idea what I would do if my girlfriend died. She is my world.

Again, I am so sorry to hear this. Good luck for the future.

Reply 29

daydreaming

Anonymous

I'm 18, was planning on uni next year but as you can imagine exams didn't go to plan, so i won't get in. The thought of abortion is almost unthinkable for me because this baby is a part of my boyfriend, i've never been a believer in God, but i feel like this baby is a gift, someone for me to love in place of him. I feel like this baby is coming to protect me or something. I bet people think i'm weird, if i was reading this before everything had happened i would think so. Basically I'm very confused, does anyone have any rational advice for me?

from an outside point of view, it seems you have high expectations of this baby. it won't be able to make your grief go away and protect you. however, this doesn't mean you shouldn't keep it. having a baby could be good for your life, especially if you have your family supporting you.
good luck with whatever decision you make :smile:

Reply 30

Anonymous #1

daydreaming

from an outside point of view, it seems you have high expectations of this baby. it won't be able to make your grief go away and protect you.

I told one of my best friends earlier and she said something similar to this, that maybe i'm looking for a replacement for my boyfriend in this baby and thats the reason i want it, maybe she's right :confused:

i know that if my boyfriend was still alive i wouldn't have kept it. i can't believe how things have turned out, the whole situation is so surreal, i still keep thinking i'm going to wake up in the morning and the whole accident will have been a dream

Anonymous

Nobody can tell you what to do as at the end of the day it is your decision. However I would recomend that you have some councilling and take some time before you make up your mind. I am sure that whatever you decide your friends and family will support you.

Reply 33

Dez

You should really seek some professional guidance on this. Your situation is far too complex to be advised by a bunch of forum-goers alone. Try and find some councilling, family planning advice, etc. And tell your parents about this, no matter what their views, their support is there. Good luck.

Reply 34

hugatree

This is one of the saddest things I've heard on TSR and I feel really sorry for you. I hope you won't sink into depression because you are still needed and loved by others. It will be hard for much longer and you have my deepest sympathy.

As for the baby, my first reaction was you should keep it. Now, I'm not so sure.
You said you probably won't get into uni, but that doesn't mean you can't get into another one or will need a job. Being a young single mother is hard and especially with your parents advising against it I think you should seek some professional help to think it all through.

Whatever you decide it will be a courageous decision and it shouldn't be frowned upon, cos some people just don't know what it's like. I wish you all the best.

Reply 35

wojewodztwo_pl

tanusha-tomsk

No, you are right about getting impartial advice. You need to make this decision yourself. Whatever people think, your situation is so different, and although I too, admittedly, roll my eyes at sight of teenage mums, if I met you with a baby and heard your story I would have nothing but admiration for you.

I too would have only admiration for you. Please stay strong. We all know that you can do it. Think about it. Your bringing new life into this world, and although youve lost the one closest to you, you will be raising a part of that person for the rest of you life. Your heart will be able to heal while your nurturing the most precious gift your bf could have ever given you.

But dont forget that whatever desicion you decide to make, whatever you decide to do, you will not be alone. He is looking down on you smiling, and he will be with you every step of the way. He will be your guardian angel, for the rest of your life. You have nothing to fear, because he will be behind you every step of the way. Things may not make sense to you right now, but cherish the gift that God gave you, cherish the fact that your bf will always be there for you, and he will be waiting for you. Stay strong.

Reply 36

tbm

Sorry to hear about your situation, you must feel really confused.

Like others have said, only you can decide what to do. If you want this baby, then have it, but make sure you are doing if for the right reasons- ie, for yourself, not for anyone else. Just because you decide to have it does not mean your life has to end, you can still do the things you always wanted.

I suggest that you speak to a third party, someone whos not involved directly, who can help, perhaps contact a pregnancy crisis centre locally to you and arrange some counselling, they will be able to go through the options with you. Alternatively, speak to a bereavement care counselling service who can put you in touch with someone who can help.

You have lots of options open to you, Im sure you will be able to find one which you are happy with, take care x

Reply 37

Glory

Im so sorry for your loss. I dont know what id do in your position, drop my plans or keep his baby. All i keep thinking is if the baby wasnt planned, what would you of done if he was still alive and found out you were pregnant?

I think you need to talk to some professionals, it seems a too big of descission to make on your own. Dont tell his parents, a double loss would be deverstating. Tell your parents they may suprise you and will no doubt support you whatever you decide.

Reply 38

El Scotto

Anonymous

My boyfriend died in a car crash last month. He was on his way to see me, and was hit by a driver on drugs. I'm finding it so hard to cope. I loved him with everything i had. Before the accident i couldn't imagine my future without him. He was the one. The last 2 years have been the best 2 years of my life, sure there were bad times but we helped each other through. He was my lover and my best friend. Our worlds revolved around each other. Now he's gone, i feel like i have too, not just part of me but all of me. I'm not going to go into detail about my feelings and emotions though as i'm trying to stay strong.
A few days ago i realised that my period was 2 weeks late, i shrugged it off thinking the reason was because of my complete lifestyle change in the last month and having not eaten much. This morning however, i got my friend to bring round a pregnancy test, it was positive.
I'm 18, was planning on uni next year but as you can imagine exams didn't go to plan, so i won't get in. The thought of abortion is almost unthinkable for me because this baby is a part of my boyfriend, i've never been a believer in God, but i feel like this baby is a gift, someone for me to love in place of him. I feel like this baby is coming to protect me or something. I bet people think i'm weird, if i was reading this before everything had happened i would think so. Basically I'm very confused, does anyone have any rational advice for me?

god, thats the type of situation you only hear about in a book or a film or something. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Im sure if you did have this baby, you'd get more than enough support from his parents. Thus enabling you to goto uni in future? once you hit 19 you could always do an access course which only lasts a year and has really child friendly times and things.

Reply 39

Squishee

I offer my condolences to you.

I've been in a relationship for over 3 and half years. I'm not in anyway the same position as you but I do recognise that youmust as loved your boyfriend as deeply as I love mine.

I know that if my boyfriend died and I was left pregnant there would be no way in my heart I could get rid of the baby. We've often talked about our future and having a family. I know that he will be there to be with me and protect em through out my life. If he was gone I would want to offer that to the physical memory that the child will hold.

Talk to anyone who will listen. Everyone has had different experiences and have different opinions. No piece of information will make the hurt go away but something may help. I also agree that you should seek a professional to talk to. You are in a fragile state right now and they will help you in the best way. Definately do not rush this decision. Having a child may make your life hard but it life was always going to be hard. At least this way you know it was your decision.

Good luck in the future and may you always have a shoulder to cry on.