Mail order bride? Yes or no?

Original post by Lotus_Eater

Countless people have benefitted enormously from therapy. If you start with a hostile attitude then it's not going to work but many people have had their lives transformed through professional assistance.

i don't dismiss both your right to ridicule it but I also don't see either of you coming up with a productive Plan B.

For the OP, of course you have ways of meeting new people. But in this email thread I and others have given you friendly advice and had it quite forcefully dismissed. This is why I think working on some interpersonal skills in a counselling context could be of benefit to you.

For Bassetts, if you want your life to change you are going to have to change. If you can do that by yourself then fair play to you but on the liklihood that you can't, maybe asking for professional support might create the breakthrough you want.

To both, I offer this advice because counselling has really helped me. Please give it some thought because I think you may be close to exhausting the possibilities of chatroom-based support.

Original post by Eva.Gregoria

Exactly what I was going to say.

You dismiss professional support (which has been found to be effective and helpful in a lot of people) but you don't even have a plan B. What could you lose by going? If you sit and refuse to get help, nothing will be solved and you'll continue to believe that the whole world is to blame for your predicament when you haven't appeared to do anything to help yourselves.

Posted from TSR Mobile

I've had counselling on 3 seperate occasions in my life. One when I was very young and the other 2 when I was an adult. The 2 when I was an adult were to do with social anxiety/depression/no friends/no confidence and the 1 when I was younger was an unrelated issue.

So your theory that I have 'dismissed' counselling goes out the window. If anyone is qualified to give an opinion on counselling, it's me. I can safely say on all 3 occasions, it did not help one bit.

Reply 42

whatisthis47

18

Whatever makes you happy.

The first time I heard of the concept was when I watched Teachers at the age of 13 or 14. I found it hilarious back then, (and a small part of me still does :innocent:

) but it's understandable why a person would want to get one.

Reply 43

Ammish

8

Original post by WGR

My confidence has been crushed to dust by years of rejection, it's never coming back. "inb4 you're young just keep trying". I'm only human, I can only keep trying for so long before I lose all of my will to keep trying. That's not the whole issue anyway, the mortal blow is that I have no social circle whatsoever. Don't talk to anyone from school, went to two universities and never made any friends there, every job I've had it's full of married older people, it's the same few faces and they are of course too engrossed in work to be social with you. I tried searching for clubs but they were all aimed at children or old people, tried volunteering but that had exactly the same issues as work, basically if you don't make friends at school or university you are screwed. Oh yeah I tried a dating site, even the fattest women blanked my messages.

Then I rather you get used to the idea of not having a girlfriend and be happy with yourself. Seriously... Trust me. Try reading "Solitude: A return to the self". It's an excellent read and it gets you thinking about the fact that there's nothing wrong with being alone, as long as you have friends or family. Even then, try volunteering and investing in your hobbies. I know you already tried. But try again. I can tell you that I suffered far worse than you did and still came out happy.

Trust me, you don't need a girlfriend or someone to love. Be happy with yourself. Because I'm not going to feed you crap on "you'll find someone eventually" because I got sick of it. Sure, I have a girlfriend now, but I was happy being single and independent.

And it is entirely possible. Just focus on yourself. Improve for your own sake. Because I will tell you this. A mail order bride won't make you happy nor it will improve anything about you. In fact, you will regress even further.

(edited 10 years ago)

definitely no

To be honest, while I have no interest at all in 'mail ordering' a partner, and am very much against human trafficking against will of the being question, the if it works for the benefit both parties I see nothing as such against it. The only slightly hard thing is know who is going on the own free will and who is not!

I know of two people, both the generation above me, who have a foreign brides on this sort of arrangement and as far as I can see all of the four people involved are happy. From there point of view as far as I can see they spend all day at work and or out of the house, messing about with boats and engines, and then return home to a hot meal, clean house, and a freshly made bed. And the woman in question gets 10hours+ a day, 5-7 days a week, to spend largely as she pleases, in a country she wants to be in but otherwise wouldnt have access to, all expenses paid, in exchange for a bit of cooking and cleaning which she is happy to do and would be doing anywhere else she was anyway.

Daniel

Reply 46

Original post by WGR

Give suggestions and I will shoo them down with precision. This is not just me being defeatist, it really is borderline impossible to make friends your age if you don't already have some from school and college etc. The only only way remaining is work and we all know how hard it is to find a job in this climate. Furthermore it would be slow as hell. Work with probs 10 people, make friends with maybe 2 of them after a couple months, would take a couple years before they introduced you to their friends, would take a couple more years to get to know their friends. Building a social network from work is really slow and arduous.

Well I'm not going to make suggestions if you've already decided that they won't work. You've been offered some very sensible advice on this thread yet are determined to not take it. It makes me wonder why you started it in the first place - you must have known that the idea of buying a 'mail-order bride' wasn't going to be universally hailed as a good idea.

I do hope things work out for you but I doubt that will happen until you transform your attitude towards this. Positivity, patience, and willingness to ask for and act on help are essential. Please don't give up, many people have been in a similar place and it's worked out for them eventually.

Reply 47

Original post by Bassetts

I've had counselling on 3 seperate occasions in my life. One when I was very young and the other 2 when I was an adult. The 2 when I was an adult were to do with social anxiety/depression/no friends/no confidence and the 1 when I was younger was an unrelated issue.

So your theory that I have 'dismissed' counselling goes out the window. If anyone is qualified to give an opinion on counselling, it's me. I can safely say on all 3 occasions, it did not help one bit.

I'm sorry it didn't help but it's in the nature of complicated problems that it requires perseverance. When people have undiagnosed physiological problems, they can try different treatments and doctors for years before hitting on a solution that works. The success of therapy is bound up in the personalities of the counsellor and the client, and the relationship they build together. Sometimes this just clicks but other times it requires shopping around for someone you trust. You also have to be willing to entertain the notion that change is possible and willing to confront highly personal issues, sometimes areas of your life you've not thought about in years. This is often uncomfortable and challenging work but if you've exhausted everything else you owe it to yourself to keep trying.

I've read a lot of your posts and don't believe your problems are terminal. I feel that with a few changes in attitude, some understanding, and some positive experiences, things could actually get better for you soon.

Reply 48

donutaud15

22

I don't think they come with 30 day money back guarantee...

seriously though i think it's a bad idea but then again what people on the internet thinks doesn't really matter as it depends on what you want

Posted from TSR Mobile

Reply 49

tania<3

15

Original post by WGR

£7,000 according to the websites

"I am a spoilt little girl who gets love thrown at her just because I have tits therefore I will laugh at guys who fail to pass the 1000s of draconian demands of modern day entitled women"

This is not even funny why did you bother posting? If you're going to make pointless off topic comments at least make it witty.

Someone's butthurt!

Reply 50

Original post by Lotus_Eater

I'm sorry it didn't help but it's in the nature of complicated problems that it requires perseverance. When people have undiagnosed physiological problems, they can try different treatments and doctors for years before hitting on a solution that works. The success of therapy is bound up in the personalities of the counsellor and the client, and the relationship they build together. Sometimes this just clicks but other times it requires shopping around for someone you trust. You also have to be willing to entertain the notion that change is possible and willing to confront highly personal issues, sometimes areas of your life you've not thought about in years. This is often uncomfortable and challenging work but if you've exhausted everything else you owe it to yourself to keep trying.

I've read a lot of your posts and don't believe your problems are terminal. I feel that with a few changes in attitude, some understanding, and some positive experiences, things could actually get better for you soon.

Do you want me to keep switching counsellors until I get the right one? I might never get the right one. What do you want me to do then?

Face it, counsellors don't help. Since when does speaking to a stranger about your problems help anything? I told one of the counsellors about my problems and whenever I stopped talking, she stared blankly at me. There were so many awkward silences. I even asked her, in the nicest way possible 'so are you going to talk or give any advice?'. She said 'no I was hoping you would talk and after this 10 week period, by you talking, you would help solve your own problems'. So she thinks her job is to sit there blankly, nodding and agreeing with what I say. She was a useless piece of ****, to put it bluntly. In the end, she did offer one or two pieces of advice, but only because there were far too many awkward silences.

Reply 51

Original post by Bassetts

Do you want me to keep switching counsellors until I get the right one? I might never get the right one. What do you want me to do then?

Yes, that is exactly what I think you should do. Like I said in my earlier answer, it's a special relationship that does require you to shop around until you find someone who is a good match.

But look, it's your life! I'd have thought doing something positive beats endless complaining on TSR but what do I know?

Reply 52

desdemonata

19

Do you think you will actually feel better, knowing that she won't be with you because she genuinely wants to be? Forced and faked affection make me more miserable than none at all.

Are you actually 31 because your butthurt and short temper are reminiscent of a teenager. That's probably something you should try to sort out... Tell me, why do you think nobody likes you/you never got invited to parties/nobody wants to date you/whatever else?

Reply 53

LexusMonkey

Lolx. Sounds like me :constantly think that nobody likes me, short temper and never got invited to parties. Except that I'm 21, and care naught for a relationship. :cool:

Relax and be narcissistic. Enjoy your singlehood. :biggrin:

Reply 54

Salmon22

1

Original post by Bassetts

I told one of the counsellors about my problems and whenever I stopped talking, she stared blankly at me. There were so many awkward silences. I even asked her, in the nicest way possible 'so are you going to talk or give any advice?'. She said 'no I was hoping you would talk and after this 10 week period, by you talking, you would help solve your own problems'. So she thinks her job is to sit there blankly, nodding and agreeing with what I say.

How much were you paying for this exactly?

Reply 55

Original post by Lotus_Eater

Yes, that is exactly what I think you should do. Like I said in my earlier answer, it's a special relationship that does require you to shop around until you find someone who is a good match.

But look, it's your life! I'd have thought doing something positive beats endless complaining on TSR but what do I know?

That's not a practical or realistic thing to do. If I wanted some counselling right now, I'd be put on the waiting list for the NHS so it would take at least a few months to see a counsellor (unless I want to go private and pay a fortune). Then after I've waited all that time, you want me to keep switching counsellors until I find the right one? There might be a waiting list for other counsellors, meaning it's not feasible or I have to wait another month or two to see a different one. That new counsellor might not be the right one, so AGAIN I have to switch and go on a waiting list. This final counsellor still isn't right for me, but now they tell me I can't switch anymore.

You really haven't thought this one through, have you?

Reply 56

Original post by Bassetts

That's not a practical or realistic thing to do. If I wanted some counselling right now, I'd be put on the waiting list for the NHS so it would take at least a few months to see a counsellor (unless I want to go private and pay a fortune). Then after I've waited all that time, you want me to keep switching counsellors until I find the right one? There might be a waiting list for other counsellors, meaning it's not feasible or I have to wait another month or two to see a different one. That new counsellor might not be the right one, so AGAIN I have to switch and go on a waiting list. This final counsellor still isn't right for me, but now they tell me I can't switch anymore.

You really haven't thought this one through, have you?

Have you got an alternative plan then?

Reply 57

Original post by Salmon22

How much were you paying for this exactly?

I paid nothing for all 3 counsellors. 2 of them were NHS, 1 of them was university. The 1 who stared blankly at me was the university counsellor. I gave up with her after about 6 weeks of counselling, I couldn't bear doing the full 10 weeks because she was so unbelievably terrible.

Reply 58