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Despite efforts cannot get confident, esp. in flirting

Hi,

I would like to share the difficulties I have in becoming confident, hoping that you have some advice for me. My post turned out quite long (sorry), and if you want to skip the story of how I lost my confidence (well, never earned it in the first place) you can skip to the paragraph “At this stage...”.

I spent my undergrad in a different country, living in my parents' house. I don't want to go into details, but essentially they are old people with very low self-confidence, and it was impossible for me in high school and during almost my entire undergrad to go out and socialise. Whenever I tried, they used a mixture of guilt and intimidation (about how I would get mugged or beaten to death at night, as the newspapers regularly report) until I gave up and stayed home. They also guilted me into not moving out after high school, although I wanted, but for whatever reason (I think I bought into their fear a bit) I gave up after a struggle. When I met my first girlfriend as an undergrad, I kept seeing her for a few months secretly because I knew how they would disapprove, and when I finally told them – I don't remember how they did it, what they said, I only remember I cried a lot (but was not abused or anything, just guilted and intimidated) and they made me break up with her. I remember that was an awkward phone conversation because I could not give her a reason. Basically over the entire period of my undergrad they expected me to sit still and study, and that is what I did (that, and loads of procrastination, watching series alone etc.) and I got good marks.

I could not stand it towards the end of my undergrad, and it was a great struggle for me to man up and convince them that I want to go abroad. It was enormously scary because initially noone was on my side and they were my family after all. In the end they cooperated and helped me with applications. In these few final months, I also started going out a little bit, but again their paranoia and guilt-trips made it very hard, especially to stay late.

The first year abroad was very tough. I was not used to living alone, my course of study was very tough, and I met my platonic “girlfriend” (we weren't sure initially, but that is how it developed later). It was an insanely intense year, I was as insecure as ever (pioneering into no longer studying all the time, having a girlfriend, having to provide my own food etc.). I isolated myself, socialised very little and very awkwardly, was gloomy and studied a lot (and watched series), and by the end of the year I succeeded academically but felt more broken than ever.

My second year was easier, but my lifestyle remained similar. I was still a timid conversationalist, uneasy with people. My confidence started increasing very slowly, with academic success, I also made new friends, and I started taking my hobby seriously and making a childhood dream come true, in which I am making good progress. My clothing, hairstyle etc. became more mature, and this is basically where I am now.

At this stage, it breaks my heart and hurts me an awful lot that I can basically not flirt with women. Looking back at the last years, my confidence has been increasing so slowly that I keep asking myself if maybe I am not meant to be confident around women and have a normal relationship. I push this thought away and try to be confident, but it keeps coming back. Here are the facts:

I have a small circle of friends with whom I go to the pub from time to time. They are not the most adventurous bunch and I do not meet women this way.

I do not participate in nightlife. I have a friend or two whom I could ask to maybe go to a club together and try talking to women. I am seriously considering to do that soon. I was thinking about going out alone, but I think that I would not handle the rejections well, and the disappointment of that might slow me down more than necessary.

I read some pick up stuff and trashed it. There are some sites, though, that I am still reading because they focus on developing a personality and at the same time becoming attractive for women. It seems that despite my successes, despite the fact that recently I have been managing to do really well academically, have a hobby I am very serious about, and socialise more, I lack the energy and confidence to be interesting for women.

I can now without big problems look a women passing by on the street in the eyes, and if she looks back, even smile. I discovered that I am capable of that only recently which makes me a bit hopeful. I tried practising a nice smile in front of the mirror, practising posture in which I would talk to a woman, reminding myself to ask a simple open question when the conversation runs dry. This is all still work in progress, I don't know if I will be successful, and it is always really hard to mentally overcome the barrier and speak.

Taking all of this together, I can be at times shattered by how slowly I am making progress (if any), by how socially inexperienced I still am, and how far I am behind other people of my age who did not skip the undergrad socialising and flirting and communicate with women naturally. Taking into account my academic workload, my hobby (which I place above everything else), and my general social inhibitions (although they are getting smaller), I feel like I am facing a very difficult battle against myself, and I wish that there was just some light at the end of the tunnel. I think that being social and communicative is essential to success, and actually there is no difference whether you can successfully chat up and date a woman, or chat up a visiting academic and get a job. I just don't want to be the guy who never got out there and never embraced life, but given my reality, it looks a bit like that. I'm in my mid-20s already.

Anyway, if you have any thoughts, or any advice how I could climb that mountain and get that confidence, please share it with me.

Reply 1

455409

It isn't easy. You have to be prepared to try and fail really, but saying that some people are never good at it with any amount of practice.

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

Is it reasonable to try practicing lightly on the street initially (maybe chatting up a girl at Tesco), or should I try and ask a friend to go to a nightclub with me and help me learn how to approach?