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If my experience helps one person...

Then this post is worth it. Don't feel like you're responsible if you are in a situation like I was, girls and guys. People forget men can experience these issues too. And sometimes friends aren't as helpful as you think they would be.

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*TW: Abuse, Rape*

I realised today that I don’t actually have any friends in real life. This hurts a surprising amount, usually I don’t care. In college, I made the best friends anyone could ask for. After years of being bullied and having no friends at all, this was a high for me. I loved them and we were all very happy together.

Then I met my then-boyfriend, through friend 1. Everyone was pleased for us, it was great. We were happy until we moved in together for Uni. A week after we moved in together, I found out he had been cheating on me with someone I call friend. This was an online relationship but to me it was cheating. They had both managed to convince me I was paranoid due to knowing something was going on between them, now I have been diagnosed with a paranoid disorder and I can’t get it scrubbed off my records. I’m not paranoid, I knew something was going on. I was naive to trust them when they both told me it was my problem. When I tricked the friend into telling me what was going on, I was livid. I demanded they stop speaking to each other and the friend stayed out of my life. Unbeknownst to him, I was pregnant at the time and lost the child in the stress of the fallout. I only told one other person recently and went through this alone. And I took him back. That was a stupid move by me.

He became controlling and abusive. At first it was things like not being able to buy what I wanted because it was expensive while he was allowed to use my money to buy alcohol. He was a heavy drinker too. I couldn’t bear him touching me, the final time we had consentual sex was when I conceived. I was too scared of him to say no so he just took what he wanted. He raped me every other week for four years.

It’s stupid what eventually made me ditch him. Even after the threat to kill me and telling me in graphic detail what he was going to do to me, finding him standing above me with a knife. Part of me still thought he was a good person, able to be saved. One day, we had an explosive argument. I threw a glass at his head and it smashed the wall behind him, in that moment I wanted to kill him. I wanted to see his blood over the carpet regardless of if I ended up in prison.

Then it hit me. I was turning into him.

Not only that, but I had put myself in such danger trying to save him that the person who actually needed saving was me. I was way too kind to him. This isn’t even half of what he did.

I ran away when I had a year of university to go. Unfortunately, due to my hell the year before and refusal to go to the police or talk to anybody about it, I ended up with terrible grades. Much lower than expected of me. That bastard ruined my academic life, now I have a degree but can’t do anything with it. Hopefully I get on to this Nursing Course.

I thought I could count on these friends to be there for me but my ex managed to muscle in on my relationships with them. I was invited to a party and so was he, despite me making it very clear I didn’t want to see him again. My friends seemed to think that what I went through could be sorted by sitting down with my ex and having a chat. I made every attempt to get it through their thick skull that under no circumstances was I going to be within 50 miles of him.

Their response to my experiences was that they didn’t believe me because I didn’t go to the police or leave him. Why would I report it to strangers when my best friends of 6 years don’t believe me?

That’s it. Now I have no one in real life. My mother knows some of what happened, she’s been great about it, despite calling me stupid for believing I could help someone like that.

I’ve learnt my lesson. It’s funny how the friends I have made online have treated me better than those I knew personally, from phoning the police and saving my life after they suspected a suicide attempt to helping me out with my thesis.

If anybody in my position is going through this. Heed my warning: get out now. Don’t be a martyr. I have no doubts that he would have eventually killed me, he already got physical with me more than once.

Reply 1

Jo from AVA

Hi
Thank you so much for your post. It was very moving to read.

It sounds like you have experienced a lot of trauma. How are you coping now? I am sorry that your friends have not been supportive, but it is great that you have found people online who have helped you.
Perhaps you could show some of your friends the posts on this site, and also here:http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/home as this may help them to realise that there are many people who do not report abuse and many reasons why they do not feel able to.

Do you feel safe now? Do you have any contact with your ex?

If you feel that you want some support there are lots of really good services that can help you deal with the rape and abuse you suffered. Some great ones are listed here: http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/need-help

Also, am very concerned that you say you were been thinking about suicide and I really want you to talk to someone about this.
There is a brilliant organisation who specifically help people who are thinking of suicide. You can contact them in lots of ways:

Phone line - 0800 068 41 41
email - [email protected]
text - 07786 209697
website - http://www.papyrus-uk.org/

Thank you so much for sharing your story, but please make sure that you are getting the support you need. You do not have to deal with any of this alone.
take care
Jo