Boyfriend slept with another girl...should I take him back?
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Original post by ChocoCoatedLemons
No, leave him. The pain I felt after I was cheated on was agony, and I would have taken him back. But I'm glad I didn't, it would have been the wrong decision.
Dump him.
Dump him.
I'm gonna echo this and say I did take her back, and it was the wrong decision.
No don't take him back.
He used protection he had some clue what he was doing. And you said he's too clingy anyway.
He used protection he had some clue what he was doing. And you said he's too clingy anyway.
Original post by Anonymous
Yeah I am very insecure, and I have anxiety problems as well so this situation has put my stress levels through the roof. I do think I won't be able to find someone who loves me like he does which is part of the problem, as due to my anxiety I find it takes a while to feel comfortable completely with someone and I've always felt comfortable with my boyfriend from the beginning. The problem is with him but I have no idea how to fix myself!
You may never find anyone who loves you like this again, I hope you dont! If his idea of loving you is cheating on you then thats precisely the type of 'being in love' you DONT need, you deserve better than that, you deserve someone who really loves you properly, not who thinks he can cheat on you as long as he grovels afterwards.
If you have feelings of insecurity then thats a good reason NOT to be in this relationship, this incident is always going to be there, every time he calls you before he goes out and checks in again when he gets home you will have this betrayal in the back of your mind.
Honestly, its easier to walk away from an 8 month relationship than it would be a two year, five year one, however hard it feels now.
You dont hear many people here saying that they were betrayed in this way and went on to have a long term loving relationship full of trust and the matter was never an issue again, but there are plenty of the other sort.
Leave him honestly it will hurt but you cant stay with somebody like this. If he loved you he wouldn't cheat theres not excuse for cheating hes a selfish immature boy. If you take him back he will cheat on you again and again.
Im talking from experience my ex was my first love and boyfriend and he slept with a girl on a night out. I found out through the facebook messages but he claimed it was a awful mistake that he loved me that she meant nothing, he was overly kind and nice to me. He would compliment me 24/7 not because he meant any of it but because he was trying to keep me sweet. I fell for it and forgave my boyfriend and he continued to message this girl and hook up with her he cheated on me with 6 girls (that I know about) and ended up leaving me for one of the girls he cheated on me with. I wish so much I had left as soon as I found out about the cheating because what followed ****ed me up emotionally and physically big time and ruined my life, I nearly failed my a levels through the stress etc etc.
Please leave him you deserve more don't listen to his sweet talk he'll say anything he thinks will make you stay but he will still cheat on you.
Im talking from experience my ex was my first love and boyfriend and he slept with a girl on a night out. I found out through the facebook messages but he claimed it was a awful mistake that he loved me that she meant nothing, he was overly kind and nice to me. He would compliment me 24/7 not because he meant any of it but because he was trying to keep me sweet. I fell for it and forgave my boyfriend and he continued to message this girl and hook up with her he cheated on me with 6 girls (that I know about) and ended up leaving me for one of the girls he cheated on me with. I wish so much I had left as soon as I found out about the cheating because what followed ****ed me up emotionally and physically big time and ruined my life, I nearly failed my a levels through the stress etc etc.
Please leave him you deserve more don't listen to his sweet talk he'll say anything he thinks will make you stay but he will still cheat on you.
I don't think any of us can say whether you should or shouldn't leave your boyfriend. It's not black and white, there's no 'well they cheated so that's an automatic end of the relationship'. We on TSR don't know you, don't know your boyfriend and don't know your relationship. Only you can make this decision. The things to think about if you want to get back with him are:
1. Do you think you can trust him again?
2. What things would you like him to agree to to help you move on from this and regain your trust in him? This might be, for example, that you don't want him getting drunk on nights out without you, no contact with this other girl, etc.
3. Do you think he would do it again?
4. Can you put it past you? If you can imagine being together in ten years time, say, and get into an argument over something stupid like whose turn is it to empty the bin, if you think you would constantly go 'well you're the one who slept with that girl that one time!' then that's not a healthy relationship to be in.
5. Do you only want to stay with him because you're afraid that if he goes you'll be alone forever? This is the most important one. I know how scary this can hit you, but trust me one day in the future you'll realise that true love won't have passed you by in your teens/twenties! Obviously we all have those dark, insecure moments, but you won't always feel like that. So if your reason for not breaking up with him only comes down to you not wanting to be alone, that is not a good reason to stay.
1. Do you think you can trust him again?
2. What things would you like him to agree to to help you move on from this and regain your trust in him? This might be, for example, that you don't want him getting drunk on nights out without you, no contact with this other girl, etc.
3. Do you think he would do it again?
4. Can you put it past you? If you can imagine being together in ten years time, say, and get into an argument over something stupid like whose turn is it to empty the bin, if you think you would constantly go 'well you're the one who slept with that girl that one time!' then that's not a healthy relationship to be in.
5. Do you only want to stay with him because you're afraid that if he goes you'll be alone forever? This is the most important one. I know how scary this can hit you, but trust me one day in the future you'll realise that true love won't have passed you by in your teens/twenties! Obviously we all have those dark, insecure moments, but you won't always feel like that. So if your reason for not breaking up with him only comes down to you not wanting to be alone, that is not a good reason to stay.
Original post by So Instinct
Not really though.
What the guy will feel so bad that he says "I will never do this again"? Nah, I bet the first time is the hardest, and then it's just like "ah well not like I haven't done it before".
Anyway, I was thinking of "once a liar always a liar". Very similar principle imo.
Original post by Fashion Girl
No, I'm not 12 actually! What gave you away 
? I don't think its a childish game, when you feel so horrible and conflicted with what someone you trust has just done to you! They deserve it!
? I don't think its a childish game, when you feel so horrible and conflicted with what someone you trust has just done to you! They deserve it!Well, it is. It's not a very mature thing to do. Also I happen to know what it's like, as I said in a previous post, I have been cheated on
It's still lowering yourself to their level, not only to being horrible but also vindictive and petty. It just shows them that they hurt you. And no, not always. Some people make genuine mistakes. They don't plan to do it, not like you would if you deliberately went out to get "revenge".
And it definitely doesn't mean you can "be together blissfully" as you claimed. Doing something like that won't help in any way other than to satisfy a petty need to feel "even". It won't make the relationship any better. Hence why you should only ever do it if you're going to break up anyway.
Original post by Mr Tall
Well if I was her i'd give the poor chap another chance. If I was him I would want another chance. I am just sticking up for another bro and advising this foolish woman who clearly feels sorry for herself (for some absurd reason) to take back the poor guy who really did nothing wrong.
The guy had sex with someone else how is that doing nothing wrong.
(edited 10 years ago)
Dump him, I'd say. Cheaters are always cheaters. There are psych studies about it that I learned from my counselor. To make you feel better, his cheating has nothing to do with who you are, your personalities and stuff.
I know it's hard to give up someone you are used to, but I'd rather have peace of mind than worrying about being cheated again.
I know it's hard to give up someone you are used to, but I'd rather have peace of mind than worrying about being cheated again.
Original post by Anonymous
So to give background to this, we're both 20, we've been together 8 months, he is my first proper boyfriend and Iost my virginity to him. He turned up unexpectedly at my house the other day, broke down in tears and said he'd slept with a girl the day before yesterday after a heavy night out. She was a mutual friend and knew he had a girlfriend but lied and said she nowhere to stay, so he let her sleep in his bed top and tail, but she hit on him and they ended up having sex (with no kissing bizarrely, and used protection).
I was completely shocked as he is a very emotionally attached guy, constantly telling me loves me, wanting to see me, telling me how beautiful I am, very affectionate and our sex life is great so I don't think it was due to that. He's clearly regrets what he's done, has promised to do whatever and wait however long to make it up to me and says he doesn't want to lose me. He wrote me a 4 page letter apologising and since he confessed every time I've seen him he gets extremely emotional (especially if I start crying) and keeps insisting I am his first love and he will do anything so he doesn't lose me.
His over-attachment before the cheating did bother me a little, but I do love him; however the thought of him having sex with someone else makes me feel sick and the stress of deciding what to do has made me ill. All my friends think I should dump him but I'm finding some days I think I should but other days I feel I can't leave him; especially as he is so upset with himself I feel worse for him than I do for me!
Has anyone taken back a cheater and made it work or have any good advice?
I was completely shocked as he is a very emotionally attached guy, constantly telling me loves me, wanting to see me, telling me how beautiful I am, very affectionate and our sex life is great so I don't think it was due to that. He's clearly regrets what he's done, has promised to do whatever and wait however long to make it up to me and says he doesn't want to lose me. He wrote me a 4 page letter apologising and since he confessed every time I've seen him he gets extremely emotional (especially if I start crying) and keeps insisting I am his first love and he will do anything so he doesn't lose me.
His over-attachment before the cheating did bother me a little, but I do love him; however the thought of him having sex with someone else makes me feel sick and the stress of deciding what to do has made me ill. All my friends think I should dump him but I'm finding some days I think I should but other days I feel I can't leave him; especially as he is so upset with himself I feel worse for him than I do for me!
Has anyone taken back a cheater and made it work or have any good advice?
I think you know the answer
Years ago I had a drunken kiss with an old friend when I was with my gf, and I still am. I called her that night, when I was drunk out my mind, and bawled for hours to her about how I was sorry (I was genuinely sorry!).
Thankfully she forgave me and we've been going strong for another 2 years. Mistakes happen.
What I will say is that full-on sex, with protection, clearly involved some thought. It wasn't a drunken lapse of error; it was a calculated move. He's probably admitted it based on fear you'll find out from the girl herself, rather than him feeling sorry.
Your choice, but there's a huge difference in situations between me and your boyfriend.
Thankfully she forgave me and we've been going strong for another 2 years. Mistakes happen.
What I will say is that full-on sex, with protection, clearly involved some thought. It wasn't a drunken lapse of error; it was a calculated move. He's probably admitted it based on fear you'll find out from the girl herself, rather than him feeling sorry.
Your choice, but there's a huge difference in situations between me and your boyfriend.
Original post by danny111
What the guy will feel so bad that he says "I will never do this again"? Nah, I bet the first time is the hardest, and then it's just like "ah well not like I haven't done it before".
Anyway, I was thinking of "once a liar always a liar". Very similar principle imo.
Anyway, I was thinking of "once a liar always a liar". Very similar principle imo.
That doesn't mean it's accurate. Pretty **** notion to judge someone on too.
Once a kid always a kid. Oh wait, change and regret are real things?!
(edited 10 years ago)
Original post by So Instinct
That doesn't mean it's accurate. Pretty **** notion to judge someone on too.
Once a kid always a kid. Oh wait, change and regret are real things?!
Once a kid always a kid. Oh wait, change and regret are real things?!
People don't easily change personality traits, and lying/cheating is a personality trait.
So let me guess you've cheated on someone?
(edited 10 years ago)
Original post by danny111
People don't easily change personality traits, and lying/cheating is a personality trait.
So let me guess you've cheated on someone?
So let me guess you've cheated on someone?
No but I'm not so quick to judge someone. Just because people don't easily change them doesn't mean they don't? Your logic is just flawed.
Original post by danny111
People don't easily change personality traits, and lying/cheating is a personality trait.
So let me guess you've cheated on someone?
So let me guess you've cheated on someone?
I have. I cheated once. I'm not always going to be a cheater. I will regret what I did everyday for the rest of my life, we weren't working but he never deserved anything like that and I wish I could apologise to him but he doesn't know, we broke up the next day. A year later and it is still as horrible a feeling as it was after it happened.
If anything stays with me till the day I die it will be the hatred I feel for myself.
Original post by So Instinct
No but I'm not so quick to judge someone. Just because people don't easily change them doesn't mean they don't? Your logic is just flawed.
Not really flawed. Just generalizing. Just read through the thread of girls saying they have been cheated on, the guy said he'll do better and went and cheated again. I personally know a guy who did it on a lads holidays and then later again at home.
Sure, some people might change, but why take the risk that your guy might the one guy who changes.
Original post by Anonymous
I have. I cheated once. I'm not always going to be a cheater. I will regret what I did everyday for the rest of my life, we weren't working but he never deserved anything like that and I wish I could apologise to him but he doesn't know, we broke up the next day. A year later and it is still as horrible a feeling as it was after it happened.
If anything stays with me till the day I die it will be the hatred I feel for myself.
If anything stays with me till the day I die it will be the hatred I feel for myself.
I bet beforehand you said "I will never cheat".
Original post by danny111
Not really flawed. Just generalizing. Just read through the thread of girls saying they have been cheated on, the guy said he'll do better and went and cheated again. I personally know a guy who did it on a lads holidays and then later again at home.
Sure, some people might change, but why take the risk that your guy might the one guy who changes.
Sure, some people might change, but why take the risk that your guy might the one guy who changes.
Like I said originally, it depends what there is to gain from persevering. Sometimes it's worth it, but that's for her to decide.
I don;t think you should either. It is disrespectful to you and the constant crying and apologising is emotional blackmail...he is making you feel bad, when he id wrong. it feels like manipulation. he seems slightly unstable, I would end it, but appreciate how hard it must be for you. in my experience, the r'ship is never the same again and they usually end up flizzling out further down the line. there are guys oput there that would never ever cheat.
ps. and be really careful....the fact that they used protection could be a complete and utter lie. i think you need to take some space from him for a bit at least.
ps. and be really careful....the fact that they used protection could be a complete and utter lie. i think you need to take some space from him for a bit at least.
(edited 10 years ago)
Original post by So Instinct
Like I said originally, it depends what there is to gain from persevering. Sometimes it's worth it, but that's for her to decide.
8 months only together, first proper boyfriend.
Sounds like they're gonna go the distance.
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