Boyfriends's ex staying at his place

She didn't really *need* to crash in his bed, as they had a spare room. It bothers me that he wanted to sleep in the same bed as her enough to do it regardless of me not being ok with it.

what more evidence do you need? An ex staying at your partners place is self explanatory

Some others have given some good advice.

Do you respect yourself? (If not, thats a big issue you would have to work on)

Look at yourself and ask yourself:
"Would I mind if my partner would sleep in the same bed as someone from the opposite sex?"
"Would I mind if my partner would sleep in the same bed as his ex?"

If you answer yes to any of these questions that means he has gone over your boundaries.
Of course trust is a big factor, but even if I trust my boyfriend, if he sleeps with another girl in his bed, it would be over. Even if he did not do anything with her. He clearly shows no respect to you by doing so.
Even if all the beds were taken you boyfriend could have done 2 different things, offer her his bed and he sleeps on the floor or wherever, or don't offer his bed and she sleeps on the floor or wherever.

He made it worse by not telling you up front. I don't know what kind of relationship you have but my boyfriend knows what I find reasonable and unreasonable. We don't always agree with everything, but I respect his wishes and he respects mine.

Trust me, this guy is not worth it.

So she slept in the same bed as him even though she didn't have to? Come on OP. This guy sounds extremely dodgy and weak and clearly has no respect for yourself. He sounds immature and selfish. You need to have a full on confrontation (Christmas or no Christmas) because otherwise they will all just view you as weak and a doormat basically. Don't let them make a fool out of you. If it was me (without knowing too much of your relationship) I would dump. Yes it seems slightly drastic but its a question of trust and respect. And the fact that you said you don't really trust him (I can see why) makes me wonder why you are in this relationship in the first place.

Wow. MASSIVE alarm bells are ringing here.

At worst, he and his ex had sex in the bed you share with him.
At best, he is an inconsiderate, thoughtless idiot. I can't fathom how a guy would genuinely believe his girlfriend would not have a problem with him sharing a bed with his ex, especially after he's not been forthright about the situation.

So he doesn't come out of this very well either way.

I am tempted to tell you to dump him, but as someone else said it's much easier to say that to a faceless internet person than to do it if it were you in the same situation.

It would probably be best to sit him down when you're back, put all your cards on the table and be honest about how it made you feel, and ask him to tell you if anything happened.

If he says that nothing sexual happened, and you believe and trust him, then by all means stay with him, but tell him that there can never be a repeat performance as you are not comfortable with it and he needs to put you first.

If you don't quite believe him/still have doubts, you probably always will, and it would be best to cut your losses and leave now.

All the best, OP.

I think I've got a lot of sound advice here and I'd like to thank everyone.



I did have a confrontation with him tonight. He told me he was going to go out today and tomorrow with her (and other people), I told him I'm not okay with it and he agreed not to go. Now I don't trust him 100% given recent circumstances, but he said he is trying to make up for his mistake.



Thanks. I believe they didn't have sex and I don't think they got physically very close but falling asleep while talking to each other sounds very intimate to me and it hurts me to think about it. I won't have a chance to see him until a week after, I think a face to face conversation is in order.

In conclusion, I feel deeply hurt and still unsure about what to do. He told me she doesn't have a place to stay so she might be staying with him for a while until she finds one. I said I'm okay with him helping out an old friend as they were but now I regret saying that. He apparently got invited to parties/going out in the evening with her today and tomorrow, asked if that's okay with me, I told him not to go, he said he wants to make up for his mistake and that he wouldn't.

I do agree I should probably end the relationship but I'm going to wait until we see each other as it doesn't make a huge difference now. I'm reluctant to do this though because I think it would be as if his ex 'wins' him back and I just back off discreetly to avoid conflict, like I always do.

I know things will never be the same again if I stay with him and he continues to see her. I don't think our relationship will survive her crashing at his indefinitely either.

Feeling a bit crap and really lonely at this moment.

Wow. MASSIVE alarm bells are ringing here.

He told you his ex's sister would be staying while you were away. Presumably that was ok with you.
Then he adds, after you've left, that actually his ex will be staying too. Not cool that he left that out initially.
You ask him directly the next day if they shared a bed. He says they did. Ok, it's good that he was honest, and arguably that suggests nothing happened, as if so it would have been easier/likelier to admit nothing, knowing how it would sound. BUT he was only honest when you asked him straight, and you've said you gave him opportunity beforehand to mention the sleeping arrangements.

At worst, he and his ex had sex in the bed you share with him.
At best, he is an inconsiderate, thoughtless idiot. I can't fathom how a guy would genuinely believe his girlfriend would not have a problem with him sharing a bed with his ex, especially after he's not been forthright about the situation.

So he doesn't come out of this very well either way.

I am tempted to tell you to dump him, but as someone else said it's much easier to say that to a faceless internet person than to do it if it were you in the same situation.

It would probably be best to sit him down when you're back, put all your cards on the table and be honest about how it made you feel, and ask him to tell you if anything happened.

If he says that nothing sexual happened, and you believe and trust him, then by all means stay with him, but tell him that there can never be a repeat performance as you are not comfortable with it and he needs to put you first.

If you don't quite believe him/still have doubts, you probably always will, and it would be best to cut your losses and leave now.

All the best, OP.

My god what a doormat...however there are a lot of girls out there that like this sort of 'drama' to add a bit of excitement into their mediocre lives and so they have something to talk about to their girlies. Therefore I am not surprised.

I did have a confrontation with him tonight. He told me he was going to go out today and tomorrow with her (and other people), I told him I'm not okay with it and he agreed not to go. Now I don't trust him 100% given recent circumstances, but he said he is trying to make up for his mistake.


In conclusion, I feel deeply hurt and still unsure about what to do. ... I told him not to go, he said he wants to make up for his mistake and that he wouldn't.

I do agree I should probably end the relationship but I'm going to wait until we see each other as it doesn't make a huge difference now. I'm reluctant to do this though because I think it would be as if his ex 'wins' him back and I just back off discreetly to avoid conflict, like I always do.

I know things will never be the same again if I stay with him and he continues to see her. I don't think our relationship will survive her crashing at his indefinitely either.

Feeling a bit crap and really lonely at this moment.

Please do tell me how not to be a doormat in this situation. I don't have any girlies to talk about this.

I asked him to cancel his plans with her and he agreed. I'm waiting to actually see him face to face to discuss whether we can continue the relationship or not.

Do you think it's okay of me to ask him not to let her stay at his place until she finds something else? I feel like I can't tell him not to, given that it's not my house, even if I'm around there more than I stay at my own place.

Hello, i'm back again, (someone liked my post so i was checking which one)

I've highlighted certain quotes from you, read what you have said (which is how you feel), and consider the advice given in this thread so far (I would have to say it's quite good), then do whatever you feel like or think.

Don't be scared, in reference to the person saying the doormat thing, think about what people (girls and guys) have said about dumping him. Also what I mentioned about a girl being able to walk away being a very attractive thing. Most people here have no reason to lie to you, and are giving advice on the summation or the total of all the clues and signs in the situation based on real life experiences (objective advice I shall say). Your boyfriend on the other-hand may have a reason to lie to you, maybe to balance having fun, whilst having a girlfriend (we do not know, but you can ascertain this).
Another thing I will put forward is the idea that "guys fall in love with what they see, which is why girls often want to look beautiful & girls fall in love with what they hear, which is why boys lie". Take from this what you will. Ultimately it's your decision!
BTW *hug from a random* because your feeling sad + I have used unnecessarily difficult language this early in the morn.
(p.s: if you want speedy answers, instead of toiling around. . .Doesn't skype exist? -> ofc you don't get the privilege of hitting him over skype )

Spoken like a sphinx . Do you personally believe I'm being a doormat here?

Also, about the people who don't know me giving advice. I do appreciate it. But what they also don't know is that we've been together 2 years and things were going great until now. We had a happy bubble. This comes as a shock. I thought it was going to be a very long-term thing.

I know this is completely besides the point of your quote, and it sounds mean and shallow and immature, but it's funny because I could not believe he'd run back to her straight away like this given that most people would say I'm prettier than her.