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Hate myself and my body.

From a very early age I've been "chubby".

I think I started to develop depression when I was 12, I started to develop flash backs of things that happened in my childhood; example - my dad being violent to my mum. Other things occurred and I realised other things.

Being the age of 13/14 I noticed I started to hate how my body looked/weighed due to constant comments. This caused me to turn nearly being considered anorexic when I was 15/16. Ever since it hasn't really stopped (neither has my depression.)

I was seeing a councillor about my depression when I was 14, but my mum made it out to be that I was making it up - sort of "attention seeking" so I lost trust and security in the psychologist cause he believed my mum.

I hate how I look, how my body looks, how my face looks, how I am - entirely. I've always hated my body, but growing older has made me realise it more - I have scars everywhere - I would love to be able to remove them (due to acne, chicken pox a few months ago, stretch marks due to gaining and losing weight simultaneously) I lost my nose cartridge when I was in year 8/9 due to a nose abscess which hasn't helped my body hatred, as I wish I could change/improve my nose entirely as well as how my body looks, skin looks. IF anything I would love to change myself into a socially accepted, wanted skinny person.

I've tried going to the gym to sort my body out (in hopes to increase my confidence) never worked due to having a lazy family/friendship group and I hate being in society by myself. I also dread going by myself due to the fact I hate the thought of being stared at by people in public (due to thinking I have a fat body/ugly body), hence why I go out covered by hoodies or any form of clothing that hides my body insecurities - even then I hate people seeing my face.

I feel so unattractive that it's practically nearly close to ridiculously annoying. I'm too scared to be in a relationship with another guy due to the hatred I feel for myself, and feel like if I was that they'd find someone better then be and run off with them, I'm too scared to be friends with people in case they comment on how I look.

I've received compliments in the past/present (I sometimes receive a lot) but I just can't accept them cause tbf, I know none of them are true, if anything I would die to be someone else.

If anyone suggests seeing a professional; due to my past history, I'm too scared of seeing any, because I feel there too untrustworthy to speak; due to believing my mums initial worries of my lying.
Chin up. Rodney and Velma love you.
You are beautiful, in every single way. words cant bring you down. Oh no. So don't you bring me down today.

But honestly, it's not for other people to judge you, their opinions don't matter.
nobody thinks they're perfect. we all have our flaws. please stop comparing yourself to other people and learn to love who you are. its your imperfections that make you, you :hugs:
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Nerol
21
Original post by Zyekanz
From a very early age I've been "chubby".

I think I started to develop depression when I was 12, I started to develop flash backs of things that happened in my childhood; example - my dad being violent to my mum. Other things occurred and I realised other things.

Being the age of 13/14 I noticed I started to hate how my body looked/weighed due to constant comments. This caused me to turn nearly being considered anorexic when I was 15/16. Ever since it hasn't really stopped (neither has my depression.)

I was seeing a councillor about my depression when I was 14, but my mum made it out to be that I was making it up - sort of "attention seeking" so I lost trust and security in the psychologist cause he believed my mum.

I hate how I look, how my body looks, how my face looks, how I am - entirely. I've always hated my body, but growing older has made me realise it more - I have scars everywhere - I would love to be able to remove them (due to acne, chicken pox a few months ago, stretch marks due to gaining and losing weight simultaneously) I lost my nose cartridge when I was in year 8/9 due to a nose abscess which hasn't helped my body hatred, as I wish I could change/improve my nose entirely as well as how my body looks, skin looks. IF anything I would love to change myself into a socially accepted, wanted skinny person.

I've tried going to the gym to sort my body out (in hopes to increase my confidence) never worked due to having a lazy family/friendship group and I hate being in society by myself. I also dread going by myself due to the fact I hate the thought of being stared at by people in public (due to thinking I have a fat body/ugly body), hence why I go out covered by hoodies or any form of clothing that hides my body insecurities - even then I hate people seeing my face.

I feel so unattractive that it's practically nearly close to ridiculously annoying. I'm too scared to be in a relationship with another guy due to the hatred I feel for myself, and feel like if I was that they'd find someone better then be and run off with them, I'm too scared to be friends with people in case they comment on how I look.

I've received compliments in the past/present (I sometimes receive a lot) but I just can't accept them cause tbf, I know none of them are true, if anything I would die to be someone else.

If anyone suggests seeing a professional; due to my past history, I'm too scared of seeing any, because I feel there too untrustworthy to speak; due to believing my mums initial worries of my lying.


Despite your last comment there, it sounds like talking to a professional is really the only way to go from here. Gaining confidence in yourself and your body isn't a quick process - I have body confidence issues of my own, so I understand the frustration. However, feeling the way you are feeling isn't due to the way you physically look (keep in mind that the most beautiful people in the world often hate the way they look), it's a psychological issue. I personally would recommend going to see your GP, who can give you an idea of what to do next. Probably, you will be referred to a counsellor or therapist, who can help you deal with the underlying reasons as to why you feel such hatred towards yourself.

I understand you feel afraid of talking to a professional, but you can go to the GP on your own and talk openly and honestly without being judged. Maybe after you have a better idea of what's going on, you could ask your GP to speak to your mum and explain what you are going through.

I suffered with depression for a long time and I know what it's like to have people who are close to you think you are 'attention seeking'. It's a misunderstood condition, but gaining a professional insight can help you, as well as others around you, understand it.

I hope this helps a little and I wish you luck with your battle.

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