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Reply 20
Stay close to him.. Love him!! :smile:
Talk about good stuff.. not necessarily from your life.. Keep on talking to him about things he likes.. he will get out of tht soon

But sooner or u gotta address these issues he's going through... :redface: like i wonder what it could be u see.. if there is something in ur life u aren't happy with.. then tht keeps on coming back to you.. better get rid of tht or try to solve the problem hands on!!
Reply 21
I found that it does help when i am occupied with doing something and if it's just mowing the gras in the garden.But then it's usually quite hard to get up and do it,so try to get him to do something.
On the other hand I do often need time out and don't want to be around other people.
That's the problem for others to find out in which situation i am right now.
Reply 22
BellaCat
That depends upon whether you are suffering from endogenous or reactive depression.


What's the difference?
Reply 23
Ywiss

What's the difference?


REactive is in response to something - i.e. bereavement etc. Endogenous is *just* there...

Easier to treat reactive [in theory] as you have something to tackle...
Talk to him about his problems, show real intrest and ask lots of questions. He might get sad talking about but it will help him. Then just be a happy happy fun fun person, thinking of things to do etc, hugging and kissing him, making sure he always knows what you feel for him etc.

It might be alot of hard work for you though.
Anonymous
Title says it. My boyfriend suffers from a type of depressions that give him extreme ups and downs. A lot of times we'd plan going out and then he'd be having a down and it'd spoil the day. I always try to cheer him up, but I very rarely succeed. What activities and words cheer up depressed people?
Hey there Anon,


I'm sorry to hear of your situation. "Ups and downs" sounds bi-polar - have you/your boyfriend sought medical advice yet?

There's lots of things you can do to bring him out of his slump. Take note of Fluffy's advice to not be predictably faux cheery-uppy - you really can't afford to risk alienating him. Now let's take a novel approach that only I'd be kooky enough to dream up - and because I don't know you nor your boyfriend, it'd be folly to talk specifically, so I'll do it through analogy first, then talk through what I mean. :smile:

I used to be in the Scouts and when I was earning my lifesaving badge, I learnt that if you want to save someone who's drowning, the last thing you should do is jump in after them. Instead you should think through these steps in order: reach, throw, row, go. First, grab a stick and reach out to him. If he's too far away or won't grab the stick, then try throwing him a lifering. If that doesn't work, find a boat, row out to him, and hold out an oar for him to grab. And as a last resort, you can swim out to save him yourself but only if you're fully prepared for the potential consequences - both bad as well as good. Ok, so how do we translate that into practical steps with you and your boyfriend...

Reach


As your boyfriend, he is within range of you, especially as you know he's someone who's normally positive or neutral - hey, that's why you two got together in the first place, right? - but has become temporarily lost under a pile of fear and worry. So do what you can to cheer him up and bring him back to the positive side. Invite him to an upbeat social event. Take him out to eat and talk about positive memories together. If he tries to get you to join him in his negative thinking, don't. Just ignore those conversational threads and carry on with your positive ones as you coax him back to shore.

Use little tricks to interrupt states and stop upset, anger and confusion in it's tracks. I was brilliant at diffusing negative tension during the twilight of my last relationship: when my girlfriend started to lose it (which can happen at certain times of the month), I'd get her to stop whatever she was doing, and I'd give her a five-minute foot massage. This is magic because I'd usually succeeds in bringing her around as the massage switches her focus. Given the option between focusing on her problems or focusing on her feet, she had to choose the feet so she could enjoy the pleasure of the massage - it's a subconscious thing - she wouldn't ever have a choice! :biggrin: By the time the massage is over, although she wouldn't always not be totally happy, she'd at least be feeling more content. Sometimes a kind gesture like this or a surprise trip out someplace fascinating is all that's needed, but for when it's not...

Throw


It's time to throw a lifering out there - keeping your distance emotionally, while providing a great chance for him to lift that blanket of negativity. Send him a book or CD you think may rekindle fond memories. Write him a card or letter to remind him that you care. You can even use cards and letters if you see him regularly - just tell him not to open them until you're both back at your houses. You might record a personal audio message or - if you're as crazily fun as me - adapt a song to specially record, and sneak it onto his mp3 player. :redface: Don't worry if your first throw doesn't work, keep at it 2-3 more times - but if the attempts begins to wear you out, then make one final throw and tell him "That's it! Either you grab this opportunity, or I'm cutting you off." Sure it hurts, sure there's tears, but it works! I had a torrid time with a former best friend who descended into chronic self-harming and overdosing a few years ago and had to set an ultimatum. She's fine and healthy now - and although we're not best friends anymore, I won't ever forget her mum thanking me with tears flowing from her eyes, for making sure she got into hospital after a successful OD attempt when she was 20 hours from liver failure - and that was before my ultimatum! In some situations, an ultimatum is the only way to really get the person's attention, but don't use them unless your other attempts fail. Sometimes though, your best throws still aren't enough, and so you may decide to...

Row


Psychiatrists who keep with the times call this an intervention. You put together a bunch of positive people - you must have plenty of mutual friends with your boyfriend - who will reinforce each other and keep the group's energy good. Then you go visit him and use your combined positive energy to help lift him out of the water. Make him aware of what he's doing to himself, and offer him all the combined help, resources, and assistance you can muster between your group. If you go by yourself, you may not have nearly enough leverage - a common problem when the depression is caused by a hormonal/biochemical imbalance.

We're lucky to live in a world full of rowing boats - the self-improvement industry is growing at a monumental rate and most materials can be found online for free. :biggrin: Many people on this planet work to help people who need it the most and they often pack their websites with useful advice and material. However - and this is an absolute last resort - for some people even rowing out to them isn't enough - and that's when you might decide to…

Go


This is the James Bond / Rambo / Arnie rescue. You must play the role to prevent your emotions from sabotaging your mission. If you try to rescue your boyfriend without being aware of your feelings and dealing with them yourself, you may very well be sucked down into his negativity. Remember that you can't help someone by drowning yourself in the process - your primary responsibility is to keep yourself safe at all times. This requires a delicate combination of genuine caring and detached awareness.

If you've done RE or read the Bible, you'll know that even Jesus had his Apostles to assist him. So surround yourself with a large group of friends who you explain the sitch to - they'll believe you're the greatest thing since the wheel - and you can successfully help your boyfriend out of his sadness without feeling the Dementors near yourself.

So...


It's a great challenge you've got, yet it's also a great opportunity to not only revive, but immensely elevate your relationship too. Besides all that I've written above and edited into what I hope is a fluent order over the last 40-ish minutes, I don't have any further advice for you, except to say that I really honour and sincerely admire what you're doing.

Keep smiling chick, :wink:

Me
Ron Stoppable, you've just had one of your many moments of brilliance.
BellaCat
They can also transform your life - it's a question of finding the right one.

I have quite a few friends with that diagnosis and none of them have managed to fight it alone.

They can. But they make you dependent, and if for some reason you miss one, you hit the ground harder than you did originally. They're not a cure, they take away symptoms. It's like prescribing paracetamol for pain - sure, the pain's gone, but whatever's causing the pain is still there.
Reply 28
Ron Stoppable, I don't know how to thank you. YOu don't even know me and you're helping me like this.

THANK YOU SO MUCH
Reply 29
depends on the depression.. i know if im depressed and there is a clown jumping up and down trying to tickle me..i may laugh-shortly or just find it frustrating/annoying.

Try to find the reason for his depression (if there is one, otherwise id book an appointment with the gp) and go about solving the issue, otherwise he will think about it again, and he will be depressed again.
Who's been giving me lots of +rep, saying
Best post I've read in weeks!
for...
Ron Stoppable
Hey there Anon,


I'm sorry to hear of your situation. "Ups and downs" sounds bi-polar - have you/your boyfriend sought medical advice yet?

There's lots of things you can do to bring him out of his slump. Take note of Fluffy's advice to not be predictably faux cheery-uppy - you really can't afford to risk alienating him. Now let's take a novel approach that only I'd be kooky enough to dream up - and because I don't know you nor your boyfriend, it'd be folly to talk specifically, so I'll do it through analogy first, then talk through what I mean. :smile:

I used to be in the Scouts and when I was earning my lifesaving badge, I learnt that if you want to save someone who's drowning, the last thing you should do is jump in after them. Instead you should think through these steps in order: reach, throw, row, go. First, grab a stick and reach out to him. If he's too far away or won't grab the stick, then try throwing him a lifering. If that doesn't work, find a boat, row out to him, and hold out an oar for him to grab. And as a last resort, you can swim out to save him yourself but only if you're fully prepared for the potential consequences - both bad as well as good. Ok, so how do we translate that into practical steps with you and your boyfriend...

Reach


As your boyfriend, he is within range of you, especially as you know he's someone who's normally positive or neutral - hey, that's why you two got together in the first place, right? - but has become temporarily lost under a pile of fear and worry. So do what you can to cheer him up and bring him back to the positive side. Invite him to an upbeat social event. Take him out to eat and talk about positive memories together. If he tries to get you to join him in his negative thinking, don't. Just ignore those conversational threads and carry on with your positive ones as you coax him back to shore.

Use little tricks to interrupt states and stop upset, anger and confusion in it's tracks. I was brilliant at diffusing negative tension during the twilight of my last relationship: when my girlfriend started to lose it (which can happen at certain times of the month), I'd get her to stop whatever she was doing, and I'd give her a five-minute foot massage. This is magic because I'd usually succeeds in bringing her around as the massage switches her focus. Given the option between focusing on her problems or focusing on her feet, she had to choose the feet so she could enjoy the pleasure of the massage - it's a subconscious thing - she wouldn't ever have a choice! :biggrin: By the time the massage is over, although she wouldn't always not be totally happy, she'd at least be feeling more content. Sometimes a kind gesture like this or a surprise trip out someplace fascinating is all that's needed, but for when it's not...

Throw


It's time to throw a lifering out there - keeping your distance emotionally, while providing a great chance for him to lift that blanket of negativity. Send him a book or CD you think may rekindle fond memories. Write him a card or letter to remind him that you care. You can even use cards and letters if you see him regularly - just tell him not to open them until you're both back at your houses. You might record a personal audio message or - if you're as crazily fun as me - adapt a song to specially record, and sneak it onto his mp3 player. :redface: Don't worry if your first throw doesn't work, keep at it 2-3 more times - but if the attempts begins to wear you out, then make one final throw and tell him "That's it! Either you grab this opportunity, or I'm cutting you off." Sure it hurts, sure there's tears, but it works! I had a torrid time with a former best friend who descended into chronic self-harming and overdosing a few years ago and had to set an ultimatum. She's fine and healthy now - and although we're not best friends anymore, I won't ever forget her mum thanking me with tears flowing from her eyes, for making sure she got into hospital after a successful OD attempt when she was 20 hours from liver failure - and that was before my ultimatum! In some situations, an ultimatum is the only way to really get the person's attention, but don't use them unless your other attempts fail. Sometimes though, your best throws still aren't enough, and so you may decide to...

Row


Psychiatrists who keep with the times call this an intervention. You put together a bunch of positive people - you must have plenty of mutual friends with your boyfriend - who will reinforce each other and keep the group's energy good. Then you go visit him and use your combined positive energy to help lift him out of the water. Make him aware of what he's doing to himself, and offer him all the combined help, resources, and assistance you can muster between your group. If you go by yourself, you may not have nearly enough leverage - a common problem when the depression is caused by a hormonal/biochemical imbalance.

We're lucky to live in a world full of rowing boats - the self-improvement industry is growing at a monumental rate and most materials can be found online for free. :biggrin: Many people on this planet work to help people who need it the most and they often pack their websites with useful advice and material. However - and this is an absolute last resort - for some people even rowing out to them isn't enough - and that's when you might decide to…

Go


This is the James Bond / Rambo / Arnie rescue. You must play the role to prevent your emotions from sabotaging your mission. If you try to rescue your boyfriend without being aware of your feelings and dealing with them yourself, you may very well be sucked down into his negativity. Remember that you can't help someone by drowning yourself in the process - your primary responsibility is to keep yourself safe at all times. This requires a delicate combination of genuine caring and detached awareness.

If you've done RE or read the Bible, you'll know that even Jesus had his Apostles to assist him. So surround yourself with a large group of friends who you explain the sitch to - they'll believe you're the greatest thing since the wheel - and you can successfully help your boyfriend out of his sadness without feeling the Dementors near yourself.

So...


It's a great challenge you've got, yet it's also a great opportunity to not only revive, but immensely elevate your relationship too. Besides all that I've written above and edited into what I hope is a fluent order over the last 40-ish minutes, I don't have any further advice for you, except to say that I really honour and sincerely admire what you're doing.

Keep smiling chick, :wink:

Me

There are better posts around, you know - they're just hard to find. :smile:
hugs and loads of affection
**** all... Nothing you say or do is likely to make much difference. Just be there for him.
Leave the doctor alone unless your boyfriend has major symptoms.

I have mild-moderate depression. From my expeience: Psychiatrists don't give you the time of day to diagnose you properly (they're only interested when you end up in A&E - not been there personally though), talking about it just makes you feel worse (if you can actually get it out) and drugs are at most a placebo. You're better off with self-help books!
Anonymous
It can be difficult when people are unpredictable but im sure you can keep supporting your boyfriend. If you can go out and he's fine then great. If he doesnt want to go out then why not do something at home - maybe try baking some cakes together if he wants to do something active or maybe just sit and watch a dvd - that way he can concentrate on something else whih will probably make him feel better. If he starts to feel down when out go osmewhere away from other people and decide that he wants to do. Remember not to push him too much into anything. I think the worst thing you can do when he is feeling down is over compensate by being over happy and smilly. Sometimes people just want a listening ear.


I agree True.
Ron Stoppable
Hey there Anon,


I'm sorry to hear of your situation. "Ups and downs" sounds bi-polar - have you/your boyfriend sought medical advice yet?

There's lots of things you can do to bring him out of his slump. Take note of Fluffy's advice to not be predictably faux cheery-uppy - you really can't afford to risk alienating him. Now let's take a novel approach that only I'd be kooky enough to dream up - and because I don't know you nor your boyfriend, it'd be folly to talk specifically, so I'll do it through analogy first, then talk through what I mean. :smile:

I used to be in the Scouts and when I was earning my lifesaving badge, I learnt that if you want to save someone who's drowning, the last thing you should do is jump in after them. Instead you should think through these steps in order: reach, throw, row, go. First, grab a stick and reach out to him. If he's too far away or won't grab the stick, then try throwing him a lifering. If that doesn't work, find a boat, row out to him, and hold out an oar for him to grab. And as a last resort, you can swim out to save him yourself but only if you're fully prepared for the potential consequences - both bad as well as good. Ok, so how do we translate that into practical steps with you and your boyfriend...

Reach


As your boyfriend, he is within range of you, especially as you know he's someone who's normally positive or neutral - hey, that's why you two got together in the first place, right? - but has become temporarily lost under a pile of fear and worry. So do what you can to cheer him up and bring him back to the positive side. Invite him to an upbeat social event. Take him out to eat and talk about positive memories together. If he tries to get you to join him in his negative thinking, don't. Just ignore those conversational threads and carry on with your positive ones as you coax him back to shore.

Use little tricks to interrupt states and stop upset, anger and confusion in it's tracks. I was brilliant at diffusing negative tension during the twilight of my last relationship: when my girlfriend started to lose it (which can happen at certain times of the month), I'd get her to stop whatever she was doing, and I'd give her a five-minute foot massage. This is magic because I'd usually succeeds in bringing her around as the massage switches her focus. Given the option between focusing on her problems or focusing on her feet, she had to choose the feet so she could enjoy the pleasure of the massage - it's a subconscious thing - she wouldn't ever have a choice! :biggrin: By the time the massage is over, although she wouldn't always not be totally happy, she'd at least be feeling more content. Sometimes a kind gesture like this or a surprise trip out someplace fascinating is all that's needed, but for when it's not...

Throw


It's time to throw a lifering out there - keeping your distance emotionally, while providing a great chance for him to lift that blanket of negativity. Send him a book or CD you think may rekindle fond memories. Write him a card or letter to remind him that you care. You can even use cards and letters if you see him regularly - just tell him not to open them until you're both back at your houses. You might record a personal audio message or - if you're as crazily fun as me - adapt a song to specially record, and sneak it onto his mp3 player. :redface: Don't worry if your first throw doesn't work, keep at it 2-3 more times - but if the attempts begins to wear you out, then make one final throw and tell him "That's it! Either you grab this opportunity, or I'm cutting you off." Sure it hurts, sure there's tears, but it works! I had a torrid time with a former best friend who descended into chronic self-harming and overdosing a few years ago and had to set an ultimatum. She's fine and healthy now - and although we're not best friends anymore, I won't ever forget her mum thanking me with tears flowing from her eyes, for making sure she got into hospital after a successful OD attempt when she was 20 hours from liver failure - and that was before my ultimatum! In some situations, an ultimatum is the only way to really get the person's attention, but don't use them unless your other attempts fail. Sometimes though, your best throws still aren't enough, and so you may decide to...

Row


Psychiatrists who keep with the times call this an intervention. You put together a bunch of positive people - you must have plenty of mutual friends with your boyfriend - who will reinforce each other and keep the group's energy good. Then you go visit him and use your combined positive energy to help lift him out of the water. Make him aware of what he's doing to himself, and offer him all the combined help, resources, and assistance you can muster between your group. If you go by yourself, you may not have nearly enough leverage - a common problem when the depression is caused by a hormonal/biochemical imbalance.

We're lucky to live in a world full of rowing boats - the self-improvement industry is growing at a monumental rate and most materials can be found online for free. :biggrin: Many people on this planet work to help people who need it the most and they often pack their websites with useful advice and material. However - and this is an absolute last resort - for some people even rowing out to them isn't enough - and that's when you might decide to…

Go


This is the James Bond / Rambo / Arnie rescue. You must play the role to prevent your emotions from sabotaging your mission. If you try to rescue your boyfriend without being aware of your feelings and dealing with them yourself, you may very well be sucked down into his negativity. Remember that you can't help someone by drowning yourself in the process - your primary responsibility is to keep yourself safe at all times. This requires a delicate combination of genuine caring and detached awareness.

If you've done RE or read the Bible, you'll know that even Jesus had his Apostles to assist him. So surround yourself with a large group of friends who you explain the sitch to - they'll believe you're the greatest thing since the wheel - and you can successfully help your boyfriend out of his sadness without feeling the Dementors near yourself.

So...


It's a great challenge you've got, yet it's also a great opportunity to not only revive, but immensely elevate your relationship too. Besides all that I've written above and edited into what I hope is a fluent order over the last 40-ish minutes, I don't have any further advice for you, except to say that I really honour and sincerely admire what you're doing.

Keep smiling chick, :wink:

Me


Interesting read good.
713
I found that it does help when i am occupied with doing something and if it's just mowing the gras in the garden.But then it's usually quite hard to get up and do it,so try to get him to do something.
On the other hand I do often need time out and don't want to be around other people.
That's the problem for others to find out in which situation i am right now.


very true.
I'm a girl, i dont suffer from depression but typically, i have many ups and downs in my relationship. If he suffers from this depression then there is often nothing either of you can do about it.

The best way I guess is to just ignore it - as horrible as that sounds. Just carry on being happy and when he sees that you aren't bothered by the way he is acting then he may make more of a conscious effort as he sees that there is nothing he can do to bring you down too!

If, however, you feel down too, then there is nothing wrong with having a few arguments or serious conversations and even crying with each other. That may make him feel less inadequate.

Its not his fault, and just make sure that you talk and anything that may be bothering one of you, get it out in the open before it can esculate into something bigger.

Thats often the problem with anyone who suffers from this, as they bottle things up and often they all come out at once. Remind him you are there for him and you care about him whether he is up or down - But be prepared, its hard work for my boyfriend as it is, so I can imagine how difficult it must be to keep a straight face when you feel sad too.
Ron Stoppable
I used to be in the Scouts and when I was earning my lifesaving badge, I learnt that if you want to save someone who's drowning, the last thing you should do is jump in after them. Instead you should think through these steps in order: reach, throw, row, go. First, grab a stick and reach out to him. If he's too far away or won't grab the stick, then try throwing him a lifering. If that doesn't work, find a boat, row out to him, and hold out an oar for him to grab. And as a last resort, you can swim out to save him yourself but only if you're fully prepared for the potential consequences - both bad as well as good. Ok, so how do we translate that into practical steps with you and your boyfriend...


Did you? Were you really in the scouts? Or did you just copy & paste from http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2006/06/how-to-help-negative-people/ ?

I thought so. I really can't understand how you get away with this.

This is the worst part:

Anonymous
Ron Stoppable, I don't know how to thank you. YOu don't even know me and you're helping me like this. THANK YOU SO MUCH


Don't you even feel slightly ashamed?
half face
Did you? Were you really in the scouts? Or did you just copy & paste from http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2006/06/how-to-help-negative-people/ ?
I thought so. I really can't understand how you get away with this.
Don't you even feel slightly ashamed?

Woah, busted.

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