Why are gym goers seen as shallow and self-centred??

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I started going to the gym a year ago, I sorted my diet out and shed 56lbs. I went from 12st 7lbs to 8 st 7 at 5"3.

I won't make any friends by saying this, but the only people who had any objections to what I was doing were larger people who couldn't be bothered to do it themselves. It didn't matter that I was unhappy enough to go out and change; not one of them said anything constructive to me.

If anything, they tried to make me feel even worse. They were calling me "anorexic", making jokes about "starving children", I caught them talking about how "deathly" and "horrible" I look behind my back, and it really did make me question whether I was too thin.

I then decided that I didn't need that kind of people in my life and that they were probably just jealous that I had the motivation to get off my ass and do something about it.

I'm thinner, stronger and happier than ever and I'm proud of myself, but I'm still insanely insecure. If you've worked hard and made a huge change, you still see yourself as a big person because you've lived like that for so long.

People go to the gym because they want to make themselves look better and feel stronger. We have strong images of what we want to look like, so I suppose we can look very self centred, and that's because in truth, we are.

I worked hard to lose all that weight, so why shouldn't I be proud of myself?

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Reply 41

Little Wolf Taima

Original post by BCcfc92

Some of this generalisation hurts me to be honest. The hobbies you have listed are all extremely desirable traits in a girl for me. Those alone could make up a lot in the way for physical attraction, if one was lacking in that department. For many girls (and many boys for that matter), I find this isn't always the case and looks immensely 90% of the time matter. I don't assume that girls will throw themselves at my body (abs because I train like an athlete and when lean, no huge biceps because they are counterproductive for my sport, etc)… if they appreciate, then it's a bonus to differing degrees to attract a girl I like physically and personality-wise.

Hardly anyone uses steroids and I am strongly against it, as are most. Almost all of my training is geared towards sports, for which steroids are banned anyway, so this is misconception. Not everyone goes to the gym to body-build either and many that do don't do so to attract woman... they do it because they enjoy it, which is their right… just like it is your right to enjoy ballet, etc and I enjoy being stronger/faster/fitter for sport (something you can't really see). I agree with the bouncer types trying to feel ahead of everyone else and the 'misc brahs', but this is down to their own unfortunate insecurities which is largely not their fault - they were probably bullied at school. 'Misc 'brahs' are annoying and they generally aren't the ones who train hard anyway.

Secondly, what is wrong with trying to improve your physique to attract girls? Maybe you are attracted to someones face; something which is pure luck and they can do nothing for. Improving your body can be done by almost everyone and it shows commitment. It may also be a hobby in itself that many men (and women) enjoy doing, anyway, as I said above. Why shouldn't someone try to improve their attractiveness in this way, just like girls use make up etc and call guys ugly. Should they just self-pity and have a rubbish life that they can't do anything about?

Eg say someone really likes a girl, but she doesn't like his face but likes his personality yet won't do anything with him because of his face, but she would like him if he had good body to make up for it and was healthy, had hobbies etc that would make her feel more attracted to him - surely this is a good thing?

The 'brah' culture really is a minority and that claim is branded about too much in my opinion. My reason for going to the gym is almost always fuelled by my huge passion to play professional sport - a fragile passion I feel so lucky to have (although I have 2 career threatening injuries atm), but trying to look good and feel better (mentally and physically) are very useful byproducts.

Oh, and by the 80-90%, I would never think of myself higher than the rest of guys in life generally at all! I don't judge my friends on how 'ripped' they are... I couldn't give a hoot. Nor would I care about friends who are girls, but attraction is a different science. It is a bonus if girls find it attractive if your physique looks better than most and if they want it, then why wouldn't one try to get it?

If you are indeed not one of those shallow sorts who objects to the use of steroids and doesn't glorify unnaturally muscle-bound physiques then I am genuinely sorry for offending you by lumping you in with that category.

But you can see why a lot of people take issue with it, can't you?

I think our views both reflect a wider problem with society, social myths, gender roles and the preoccupation we have with exhibiting traits we believe to be attractive to the opposite gender.

The same way some women may think you working out makes you a 'shallow testosterone-driven man-pig' (extreme example), ALOT of people take issue with pole dancing/acro pole even if it is an aerial art with roots in india am china because it still carries those connotations of being for slutty, attention-seeking women.

The there's the whole issue of everyone perceiving working out and muscle to be masculine thing and arts as a feminine thing, and any beliefs either of us hold relating to 'making us more attractive'

It can be damaging to Hold that belief that doing X and looking like Y should formulaically attract a partner. It creates expectations for you, projects expectation on others who may not respond as you wish and you may attact people for all the wrong reasons

Trust me (at the risk of sounding vain) I have accepted my self to be physically attractive 33-22-36, fit, 'exotic looking', affectionate, trusting etc The most annoying thing is the frustration that comes with rejection from the ones you Are interested in (anger towards the one who friendzoned you is common in guys but girls too) but you accumulate a lot of people who ARE attracted to you because of how you present yourself. But that might not always be a good thing. Do you really want someone who only gave you a second look because of your body?

If you have worked so hard to be toned and defined that's great, but do you really want that fake ass girl who is constantly fussing over getting her hair an nails done, spending all your money, taking up time in the bathroom and holding into your arm because of a muscly bicep?

Even in that example you can see how the girl who does things to try and appease the gaze of men still gets branded negatively (shallow, self-centred, high-maintenance etc) in a similar fashion to the gym-goer. Girls who diet are often spoken about the same way. Even girls with eating disorders are regularly told to quit their whining, get over it and stop being so vain.

Just saying that the greatest success I've had in love was a guy who never once commented on my ass and I am NOT even all that physically attracted to. Fell in love with personality. I'm glad I'm with him than someone I glanced at from across the room and thought 'I want some of that' or many guys that proposition me in the street daily, because they sure weren't interested in my personality. Trust me I've been offered cars, houses, wads of cash by guys who would just want me on their arm like a trophy. Do you want to be a trophy?

That being said, striving for self improvement sincerely is admirable and better than sitting around whining that you don't find YOURSELF attractive, because that is more important than pleasing anyone else.

I don't know, this is probably more of an issue for women because of the whole objectification malarkey. But there are great deal of girls out of there who are totally shallow users and can see you as a piece of meat if you make yourself a beefcake too. Actually now that pushes the question, should you be condemned for the way you want your body to look, or does the issue lie with the person doing the objectifying?

In truth you should be able to do what you likeI guess.

At the end of the day I can't tell you what to look for in a partner. Hell I even admitted my own hobby is actually incredibly OFFPUTTING to a lot of men because of attached connotation. Not every fits stereotypes and you're clearl not an idiot muscle head or anything, so sorry if I flew off the handle. It's also been made pretty clear that looks are important to most people here.

I just hope that whatever girl takes Interet on you likes you for who you are and your muscles are just an awesome bonus, lest you be ravaged by a golddigga bitch lol

I sincerely wish you the best with your career and hope you are not too impeded by your injuries. I'm recovering from surgery and still have sciatic pain which is holding me back from getting back on a pole but best of luck to us both, heh :3

Note: if we are taking about your every day gym goer and not a bodybuilding.com member, I think part of it is down to socioeconomics. Gym memberships are seen as an expensive, middle-class thing by people who like to be 'seen to go to the gym' after work. Similar attitudes are tied to people who do ballet and yoga, which are seen as frivolous and pretentious overcharged exploits even if they are physically demanding. I do the majority of my stretching and training at home on my own mat or on the wii fit lol but it doesn't take me any better or worse than a gym bunny. We are all guilty of holding onto stereotypes, placing too much value on connotations attached to activities rathe than denotations. Subjectivity instead of objectivity.

There is nothing at all wrong with going to the gym from a logical perspective :biggrin:

(edited 10 years ago)

Reply 42

Average_Aaron

Because nowadays, thanks to zyzz and his ring of narcisstic junkies, they are. (speaking for the males)

Reply 43

datpiff

I think people just need to find a gym that suits them. Choose your gym like you did your favourite bar. Saying that, you always get your groups of dick heads in the gym, especially during peak times. If there's too many though it's time to move to another. In my experience the majority of dickheads seem to be in the cheapest gyms near rough areas (chavs with pigeon chests being annoying and meathead chavs trying to look hard).

Original post by Little Wolf Taima

Note: if we are taking about your every day gym goer and not a bodybuilding.com member

Tbh I think forums such as bodybuilding.com give bodybuilding and fitness a bad image. Yeah there's knowledge but the people on there I wouldn't like to hang around with. Sexist, narcissistic, homophobic and self centred dickheads

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(edited 10 years ago)

Reply 44

Aivicore

I'll admit that I used to be one of those judgemental people, before I thought about the fact that everyone does their own kind of grooming in different ways. (i.e. makeup, hair gel, tanning, hair removal, dental care etc.)

On the one hand I can respect people who visit the gym regularly, as I don't have the same motivation. On the other hand, I can't imagine wanting to put in the time to do so, since those 1-2 hours several times a week are what I spend honing other skills like art and music, which will last me a lifetime.

Plus, when it comes to physical attraction, I'm generally not pulled towards the idea of people putting "effort" in. If they're clean and in clean clothes, they're reet by me. Muscles/a toned physique don't do anything for me, but that's just personal preference, and I still respect the dedication.

Reply 45

notthegreatest

Body builders body looks disgusting on a woman.

Reply 46

Angry cucumber

Original post by Little Wolf Taima

So you objectify people and criticise lifters who aren't natural and those who are as you don't find the look attractive, then bemoan objectifying... you're whole post is flawed

Original post by Rananagirl

So increased health and fitness won't last you a life time? Ok.....

Original post by notthegreatest

Body builders body looks disgusting on a woman.

In your opinion, you don't like the look, some people do and the people lifting for aesthetics are happy with their body, I'm sure they can live with your opinion.

Reply 47

Aivicore

Original post by Angry cucumber

So increased health and fitness won't last you a life time? Ok.....

Well no, not at all. Physical fitness is temporary, as are the aesthetic effects, and you have to keep going for it to remain.

Once I've learned music theory, I know music theory. I don't have to learn it again.

Reply 48

Angry cucumber

Original post by Rananagirl

Physical fitness is more than maintainable with the same amount of commitment you put to music theory

You can forget music theory same as anything, if you don't use it, you lose it.

Music theory is a perfectly good to learn about, but exercise is a good thing to do.. **** aesthetics - improve your fitness, lower your chance of diabetes, high blood pressure, improve your cardiac health etc etc etc From a purely health perspective you should exercise.

Reply 49

345rty

I think gym goers can be split into two groups, going simply on the ones I've known...

Those who go to the gym for vanity, and those who go to try and improve their rugby/squash/swimming i.e. some other sport which is their passion.

The people I've known from the latter lot tend to come across as far less vain as when you talk to them you would often never know they were in the gym 4 nights a week, they discuss their sport and the gym is a side line to that.

As a society we chose to look down on vanity, and therefore I suspect people who go to the gym simply for the sake of vanity will always encounter a certain degree of prejudice.

Reply 50

RtGOAT

Same reson people hate the rich.

Jealousy.

Reply 51

SkinnyKat

I don't think it's people who go to the gym or play sports who are judged, it's more the weight lifters.

I go to the gym to keep fit and healthy and to relieve stress, I go once or twice a week and mainly do aerobics or yoga. Most gym goers probably fit into this category. However, there are some hardcore lifters who think they're all that just because they can grow some muscles. These men (usually men) are massive arrogant bores. I've got people like that on my fb - always posting pics/vids of themselves lifting and thinking its gunna attract ladies. It's not appealing to me at all. It makes them look like dicks and that's how people view them.

Reply 52

Bonzo10

I find it funny that if a girl lifts weights and posts pictures on Facebook in tight lycra she's considered sexy, or breaking the mould laid down by the patriarchy, but if a guy does, he's insecure, shallow and compensating.

(edited 10 years ago)

Reply 53

Rascacielos

Not everybody thinks that, and it doesn't apply to everybody who goes to the gym. I admire people who lift weights to get physically stronger but as we know, that doesn't apply to most gym-goers. Most people go to the gym not to get fit or healthy but to look better, and that is shallow. I'm not saying you shouldn't exercise or lead a healthy lifestyle, but some people do take it too far. You can be healthy by walking a lot, going for a job, getting involved in sports you enjoy or going for a bike ride. Sometimes I think the gym goes beyond "health" and "exercise": it's just about looking good, which is important, but not to the extremes some people go to.

Reply 54

Little Wolf Taima

Original post by Bonzo10

This is where I think misogyny hurts moth genders. I think it's more a hatred of the stereotypically 'feminine' regardless of who it's exhibited by. A woman is sometimes applauded or accepted by men for taking on 'male' attributes like increasing muscle mass but men are 90% of the time ridiculed by both sexes when they take on 'effeminate' attributes are are often thought of as even worse than a woman. I think it's fine if a guy wants to tone up a little but it's also unfair if a guy is ridiculed for not being a muscle bound beast. It is slightly crazy that there is this negative sterotype of anything people do to maintain themselves when the majority of people of BOTH genders have unrealistically high standards because of media messages. I understand some port guy hearing about how x many women like Daniel Craig and six packs then he gets ridiculed at the gym for being a 'shrimp' when starting out by the guys and accused of being an attention whore when he does attain the goal physique.

There was a guy on here who posted a picture of himself shirtless showing off why he had acheived on a weight loss journey and I felt just as strongly about people blasting him as all the girls are every time they post a picture of themselves

I guess everyone needs to stop scratching eachother's eyeballs out.

My boyfriend is pretty skinny but could do with a bit of toning up in the abs. I keep the chubb off of my thighs and tighten abs and arms through pole dance ballet. It's a lot of fun and the physical benefits are sort of just a bonus. I'm never going to force him to exercise because he is comfortable in his own skin, but if he ever asks imma get him on a pole

Dudes.,, you should try it. And women... Maybe a few bicep curls wouldn't hurt. That's a great idea. Both genders try a physical activity typically assigned to the opposite gender for 6 weeks and let's dispell the stereotypes together...

Reply 55

civilstudent

Original post by Some random guy

I don't think lowly of gym goers. I wish I was one of them.

Why can't you be?

Reply 56

Some random guy

Original post by civilstudent

Why can't you be?

Lazy.

Reply 57

noobynoo

Well, what shallow means is that you care about your (and other people's) outer appearance more than your (and their) inner mind.

So if you spend a lot of time in the gym and work on your outer appearance and so have less time to read books, educate yourself, be creative, have other hobbies and interests, etc. then people will say that you are shallow.

Mind you shallow girls are attracted to shallow boys so doesn't mean girls won't like you. And you might not be attracted to intellectual girls anyway.

If you don't want to be seen as shallow you should spend a lot of time doing things with your brain. What intellectual things do you do at the moment?

Reply 58

drewBusby

I think its due to our fat shaming culture,

The dudes who insult guys who lift, will shiver and respect a decent sized lifter once he comes into his presence.

The girls who say they detest lifters, are most likely thinking of the cell tech abusing lifters they see in bodybuilding contests.
The very same hypocrites, will scream and shut when they see a muscular guy in person or celebs like channing tatum. Girls find it hard to distinguish between natural and unnatural bodybuilders when speaking on the subject of lifting weights.