Not happy with my boyfriend going to this stag do

Original post by Anonymous

Thanks

its not like I don't want him to have fun or anything- but that's exactly the way I would describe Magaluf, a place for single people. A place for people who want to get laid.

I suppose I know deep down that he wouldn't cheat, but the very fact that he's going against my wishes (I do feel incredibly strongly about this, as you can tell) is upsetting. Its kind of a deal breaker for me that when one person really doesn't want something to happen, the partner should listen and compromise

Interesting statement. Why do you think your wishes should automatically come above his? You are asking him to miss his friend's stag do, which I'd say is quite harsh. It's an important event for most guys. They'll be talking about all the fun they had for years, and he'll just have to sit there.

I've been on lads holidays while in a relationship, and still had a great time. You don't need to be single.

My girlfriend went to Magaluf. Or Malia, I forget. I trust her totally, which it doesn't sound like you do. You say "when someone has that much alcohol in them you never know what they will do"- I don't accept this. I've been out and hammered many times, and never cheated. You are still yourself, you're still in control. Do you think there would be a chance you'd cheat if you went somewhere like this?

The only thing I didn't like were the thoughts of predatory guys. I'd never ask her to miss something like this, and she wouldn't me. If I stop trusting her, I'll break up with her.

Can I ask why you made the thread? You didn't ask a question, and you seem not to have any tolerance for people disagreeing with you.

Reply 22

Moura

i think you are being unreasonable.

Reply 23

Arieh

3

Original post by Mankytoes

Interesting statement. Why do you think your wishes should automatically come above his? You are asking him to miss his friend's stag do, which I'd say is quite harsh. It's an important event for most guys. They'll be talking about all the fun they had for years, and he'll just have to sit there.

I've been on lads holidays while in a relationship, and still had a great time. You don't need to be single.

My girlfriend went to Magaluf. Or Malia, I forget. I trust her totally, which it doesn't sound like you do. You say "when someone has that much alcohol in them you never know what they will do"- I don't accept this. I've been out and hammered many times, and never cheated. You are still yourself, you're still in control. Do you think there would be a chance you'd cheat if you went somewhere like this?

The only thing I didn't like were the thoughts of predatory guys. I'd never ask her to miss something like this, and she wouldn't me. If I stop trusting her, I'll break up with her.

I agree with everything you have said, and so would my boyfriend; I see us in your description of a relationship, we have had experiences similar to the one in our post. I've never cheated on him, and I am sure he never cheated on me.

This is different, though. Having someone wave their boobs (or any correspondent male part) in your face is something that is not contemplated in my relationship, has never been and will never be - we have both agreed on this.
If one day he comes to me, for whichever reason, and tells me he's going this is gonna happen, I would not be happy.
I understand the importance of his friend's party, I'd respect his decision and wouldn't break up with him over it, but yes I'll be angry. This is not respectful, and you can't expect me to just say "ok".

Reply 24

MJ1012

Original post by cid

I can understand it being a cause for concern .. but you're furious with him? He's 23 years old, it's what 23 year old guys do, chances are any strippers will be focused on the groom and not the guys at the party, your emotion stems from either a lack of trust or jealousy. This does not bode well for the future of your relationship, you will not still be together come 2015. I offer odds of 1 pint anyone in?

This, locking him away from the world is not a healthy relationship, either trust him or don't. But if you don't, you can't pretend this is a serious, long term relationship anyway.

Reply 25

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by Mankytoes

Interesting statement. Why do you think your wishes should automatically come above his? You are asking him to miss his friend's stag do, which I'd say is quite harsh. It's an important event for most guys. They'll be talking about all the fun they had for years, and he'll just have to sit there.

I've been on lads holidays while in a relationship, and still had a great time. You don't need to be single.

My girlfriend went to Magaluf. Or Malia, I forget. I trust her totally, which it doesn't sound like you do. You say "when someone has that much alcohol in them you never know what they will do"- I don't accept this. I've been out and hammered many times, and never cheated. You are still yourself, you're still in control. Do you think there would be a chance you'd cheat if you went somewhere like this?

The only thing I didn't like were the thoughts of predatory guys. I'd never ask her to miss something like this, and she wouldn't me. If I stop trusting her, I'll break up with her.

Can I ask why you made the thread? You didn't ask a question, and you seem not to have any tolerance for people disagreeing with you.

Point 1- This is not a lads holiday, its a STAG DO with STRIPPERS WANTING TO GET NAKED IN FRONT OF MY BOYFRIEND. How do you think your girlfriend would feel if you were in that situation? I view women stripping off for money highly immoral and the entire activity is degrading to women.

Point 2- My boyfriend says I am the love of his life. The love of his life is horrified at the thought of him going to a stag do in Magaluf. She does not want him to go. My wishes should come before the wish of his friend to get pissed and stripped for on his 'last night of freedom'

Point 3- Maybe I was wrong to say the thing about you never know what will happen. Maybe you're right to say that some guys will never cheat, even under the unfluence, and that's fantastic. But I was cheated on before by a guy who I thought loved me, and let me tell you that is not a feeling i'm going to forget, not ever.

Reply 26

Old_Simon

12

You can not control your new guy by dragging up your previous experience. Please get over it and move on.

Reply 27

Original post by Arieh

I agree with everything you have said, and so would my boyfriend; I see us in your description of a relationship, we have had experiences similar to the one in our post. I've never cheated on him, and I am sure he never cheated on me.

This is different, though. Having someone wave their boobs (or any correspondent male part) in your face is something that is not contemplated in my relationship, has never been and will never be - we have both agreed on this.
If one day he comes to me, for whichever reason, and tells me he's going this is gonna happen, I would not be happy.
I understand the importance of his friend's party, I'd respect his decision and wouldn't break up with him over it, but yes I'll be angry. This is not respectful, and you can't expect me to just say "ok".

They won't put their boobs right in his face unless they're paid to. If I get invited to a stag do like this I'm going, I've told my girlfriend that, even though there's none likely to happen for a while. Obviously, she could go to the equivalent, chippendales or whatever. Hell, we both watch porn. If you've specifically agreed on this, I guess that's a bit different. But I would argue it's not massively respectful to views guys as animals who don't have any control when they drink beer and see tits.

Reply 28

cid

13

Original post by Anonymous

Point 1- This is not a lads holiday, its a STAG DO with STRIPPERS WANTING TO GET NAKED IN FRONT OF MY BOYFRIEND. How do you think your girlfriend would feel if you were in that situation? I view women stripping off for money highly immoral and the entire activity is degrading to women.

Point 2- My boyfriend says I am the love of his life. The love of his life is horrified at the thought of him going to a stag do in Magaluf. She does not want him to go. My wishes should come before the wish of his friend to get pissed and stripped for on his 'last night of freedom'

Point 3- Maybe I was wrong to say the thing about you never know what will happen. Maybe you're right to say that some guys will never cheat, even under the unfluence, and that's fantastic. But I was cheated on before by a guy who I thought loved me, and let me tell you that is not a feeling i'm going to forget, not ever.

Point 1- well go back to the 1930's and hide in a kitchen then, because there is nothing morally wrong with a stripper and your attitude is something that reinforces misogynistic ideas in society.

Point 2- Show your boyfriend this thread, i think he'd call you something else from then on.

Point 3- You just used the fact your boyfriend said he loved you in point to as though it proved something or reinforced your view somehow, making point 3 farcical. Or point 3 makes point 2 farcical ...since it's your post I'll let you decide, now THAT'S compromise.

Reply 29

AntiMonarchist

17

Original post by Anonymous

Call me a possessive girlfriend or whatever, but this genuinely bothers me and I think for good reason. My 23-year-old boyfriend has been invited to his friend's stag do. The do is taking place in magaluf.... there will be lots of drinking, strippers, pole dancers, the lot. I absolutely hate the idea of him going.

I like to think that I can trust him but when someone has that much alcohol in them you never know what they will do. If he so much as kissed another woman i'd be furious, heartbroken and he'd be getting dumped. I've also heard some awful things about his friends cheating on their girlfriends and taking drugs, which really worries me. He's in with the wrong crowd.

I've told him over and over again how much the thought of him going and getting pissed and having strippers dancing around him upsets me, but yet he's still insisting on going. "I want to go so I can show my friend how happy I am for him, to celebrate his engagement" Nah, if you're just happy for him you'll go to his engagement party and his wedding- if you want an excuse to get pissed away from your girlfriend and surrounded by loads of hot, half-naked women, then you'll go to Maga for his stag.

I'm furious with him already and the do is months away. Some of you may say i'm over-reacting but I certainly don't feel that way, I have some morals and simply want to protect our relationship

You're a possessive girlfriend.

Didn't even read the rest of the post.

Reply 30

Original post by Anonymous

Point 1- This is not a lads holiday, its a STAG DO with STRIPPERS WANTING TO GET NAKED IN FRONT OF MY BOYFRIEND. How do you think your girlfriend would feel if you were in that situation? I view women stripping off for money highly immoral and the entire activity is degrading to women.

Point 2- My boyfriend says I am the love of his life. The love of his life is horrified at the thought of him going to a stag do in Magaluf. She does not want him to go. My wishes should come before the wish of his friend to get pissed and stripped for on his 'last night of freedom'

Point 3- Maybe I was wrong to say the thing about you never know what will happen. Maybe you're right to say that some guys will never cheat, even under the unfluence, and that's fantastic. But I was cheated on before by a guy who I thought loved me, and let me tell you that is not a feeling i'm going to forget, not ever.

That's a very personalised view of things. They are just doing a job, they aren't going for him specifically. I'd say it's more excuseable to go on a stag do- that's a once a lifetime kinda thing for a guy. And what is his view on strippers? Is he allowed a different one? My girlfriend would probably feel a bit insecure, but she'd never tell me not to do it, we don't have that sort of relationship.

Is he the love of your life? If so, do you not want him to do whatever makes him happy? It isn't like his friend is doing something crazy, this is what stag do's are, and most of them have relationshipped guys in them. In short, this is a normal thing for a boyfriend to do in our society. Has he ever stopped you doing something you want to do?

The thing is, he'll have more chance to cheat in a nightclub than a strip club. In fact, your chances of pulling in a strip club are next to none. If he's going to cheat, he's going to cheat. I doubt going on this holiday will make any difference to that. Being cheated on must ****ing suck, I get that, but if you let it stop you ever trusting anyone again, it'll ruin your future relationships.

Reply 31

Arieh

3

Original post by Mankytoes

They won't put their boobs right in his face unless they're paid to. If I get invited to a stag do like this I'm going, I've told my girlfriend that, even though there's none likely to happen for a while. Obviously, she could go to the equivalent, chippendales or whatever. Hell, we both watch porn. If you've specifically agreed on this, I guess that's a bit different. But I would argue it's not massively respectful to views guys as animals who don't have any control when they drink beer and see tits.

I don't understand what porn has to do with all this, but if it makes a difference, I'll tell you that it's the same for me and my bf - we both watch it and it's absolutely not a secret.

I've never said that I fear he'll lose control, as I've said in the previous post he is a free man, I have nothing agains him going out and drinking with his friends; he has a lot of friends of the opposite sex he regularly goes out with and I know that a couple of them used to have a crush on him in the past.
I don't need to keep him on a leash or to keep him from temptation, I just know he won't cheat.
And it's not even a sexist discourse, because I have seen a couple of hen parties (never been to one, though), and I've seen stuff I wouldn't have enjoyed if I were the boyfriend of one of the girls.

I'm just not comfortable with the idea of him going to a strip club. I don't want to put my desires over his, but he should agree that mine also have some place in this relationship. We have never mentioned strippers directly, but we have agreed that we won't engage in anything sexual with anything else. If you do, you're breaking this promise - as I said I'm not breaking up (as I wouldn't if he had kissed someone else, for instance), but you have to face the consequences in our relationship.

Then again, I'm not a man and I don't even know what exactly goes on in a strip club - the girl rubbing her breast in his face is just a hypothesis. But I've lived in Spain for a while, and as many regular clubs have strippers you only look at from afar, I would expect there was something else going on in a strip club.

Reply 32

Original post by Arieh

I don't understand what porn has to do with all this, but if it makes a difference, I'll tell you that it's the same for me and my bf - we both watch it and it's absolutely not a secret.

I've never said that I fear he'll lose control, as I've said in the previous post he is a free man, I have nothing agains him going out and drinking with his friends; he has a lot of friends of the opposite sex he regularly goes out with and I know that a couple of them used to have a crush on him in the past.
I don't need to keep him on a leash or to keep him from temptation, I just know he won't cheat.
And it's not even a sexist discourse, because I have seen a couple of hen parties (never been to one, though), and I've seen stuff I wouldn't have enjoyed if I were the boyfriend of one of the girls.

I'm just not comfortable with the idea of him going to a strip club. I don't want to put my desires over his, but he should agree that mine also have some place in this relationship. We have never mentioned strippers directly, but we have agreed that we won't engage in anything sexual with anything else. If you do, you're breaking this promise - as I said I'm not breaking up (as I wouldn't if he had kissed someone else, for instance), but you have to face the consequences in our relationship.

Then again, I'm not a man and I don't even know what exactly goes on in a strip club - the girl rubbing her breast in his face is just a hypothesis. But I've lived in Spain for a while, and as many regular clubs have strippers you only look at from afar, I would expect there was something else going on in a strip club.

Well it's hard to draw a line on these things, isn't it? Plenty of girls are funny about their boyfriends watching porn.

Wait, you would count being in a strip club as "doing something sexual with someone else"? I think you should make that clear to him, as most people wouldn't.

Yeah, of course, lap dances and stuff, and I absolutely get a girl asking her boyfriend not to get lap dances or anything one on one. I've had a lap dance (when single) and I do think they're highly overrated anyway.

Reply 33

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by cid

Point 1- well go back to the 1930's and hide in a kitchen then, because there is nothing morally wrong with a stripper and your attitude is something that reinforces misogynistic ideas in society.

Point 2- Show your boyfriend this thread, i think he'd call you something else from then on.

Point 3- You just used the fact your boyfriend said he loved you in point to as though it proved something or reinforced your view somehow, making point 3 farcical. Or point 3 makes point 2 farcical ...since it's your post I'll let you decide, now THAT'S compromise.

There are so many things morally wrong with stripping.Having to take your clothes off to earn a living, visual prostitution. If that's not misogynistic, I don't know what is.

Men (often men in relationships or married) going to get a good view of the naked lady's arse, just cos they pay her for it. I am not a misogynist, women should be able to earn a living without having to get their tits out! How would you feel if a female relative of yours was doing that for a living? Don't think you'd be quite so chilled about it.

My boyfriend knows full well my opinions as highlighted in this thread

Reply 34

syrettd

Original post by Anonymous

There are so many things morally wrong with stripping.Having to take your clothes off to earn a living, visual prostitution. If that's not misogynistic, I don't know what is.

Men (often men in relationships or married) going to get a good view of the naked lady's arse, just cos they pay her for it. I am not a misogynist, women should be able to earn a living without having to get their tits out! How would you feel if a female relative of yours was doing that for a living? Don't think you'd be quite so chilled about it.

My boyfriend knows full well my opinions as highlighted in this thread

Why do you assume women who strip can only make money that way? I have a friend who used to be a stripper and she did it because she enjoyed it. It's more misogynistic to say that a woman shouldn't be allowed to use her body to make money than it is to enjoy a woman taking her clothes off, which is a natural heterosexual male response.

This is getting slightly off topic- like I said before I understand why you're not comfortable with the idea of him going on this stag do, but he seems pretty set on going. You said earlier that if someone doesn't want their partner to do something then they should find a compromise. It works both ways- your boyfriend really wants to go, so you both need to find a compromise. If you flat out tell him he can't go then he's just going to resent you for missing an important event in his friend's life.

Reply 35

geoking