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Wanting to stay in university hometown after graduation..I can't go 'home'...advice?

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Original post by Anonymous
Hey guys, I'm in desperate need of advice.

I am originally from London, but I am studying at a university in Yorkshire.

I am currently in my second year, and I plan to graduate in 2016.

The reason why I went to university away from my hometown because I grew up in an abusive family so university was my subtle escape route. I has also experience bullying in primary school and my early years of secondary school so I wanted to escape the area and have a fresh start and start a new life elsewhere.

I have a big dilemma: I would love to go back to London and start my career there - the prospects for the career I want is a lot higher in London than anywhere else. However, most people cannot afford to live in London after graduation. Other problem: I don't want to go to London and start living with my parents. I have been through therapy and I am trying to come to terms with my past, so moving back with my parents would be the worse case scenario.

I wouldn't mind staying up north to be honest, but I am worried about how I'd be able to afford to rent my own home after graduation.

What do I do?

What did you do after graduation? Did you move back to you to your hometown or stay in your uni town?

TLDR: I want to be able to move into my own home after graduation without going back to my abusive family. What do I do?



Firstly I would suggest that as you have freed yourself of abuse (and have even gone through therapy) that it sounds like it might be a mistake to go back into that situation.

I have heard that there are empty houses/flats in London and home owners let people live in them rent free (house sitters) to look after the place, so that squatters don't take over. Have a google and see what you come up with. :smile:
Reply 21
Original post by Anonymous
I might consider a house share, but my family might think that's strange - my family is based in London.

If I could stay up North then that would be a good excuse not to go back to live with them.

Why would you care what they think? Perhaps having a daughter who shares the same city yet actively snubs their presence might encourage some long-overdue self-reflection.
Original post by Anonymous
Oh I see.

Well I'd like to stay in a big anyway. I'm a city girl at heart and I'd find more opportunistic in cities.

I'd consider it.


Yeah so that's probably the second best to London. And there's that high speed railway.
Post graduate sounds good for you and get a job. I'm sure u could do it. Loads of people do. My abusive family are the reason I want to move out too.
Reply 24
Original post by AStudent321
Post graduate sounds good for you and get a job. I'm sure u could do it. Loads of people do. My abusive family are the reason I want to move out too.


So what are you going to do?
Reply 25
Original post by Grace by Yahweh
Firstly I would suggest that as you have freed yourself of abuse (and have even gone through therapy) that it sounds like it might be a mistake to go back into that situation.

I have heard that there are empty houses/flats in London and home owners let people live in them rent free (house sitters) to look after the place, so that squatters don't take over. Have a google and see what you come up with. :smile:


Which is why I don't ever want to go back ever again, and I don't plan to. I am thinking of contacting women's refugees and NAPAC for some advice and support. I am even considering emigrating to get away.

Ok, I will check that out.
Reply 26
Original post by Profesh
Why would you care what they think? Perhaps having a daughter who shares the same city yet actively snubs their presence might encourage some long-overdue self-reflection.


I guess. I don't think it would though - they are not self-reflective. They would probably create drama out of the fact that I won't move back with them, and they would take it as a personal attack.

In their minds they would think "Why would she not move back with her family?" "Why does she want to stay away from family even though she has graduated from university?" My parents are very family-oriented whereas I am not. I think they would ask the same question even if I stayed in the North of England, then they would try to convince me to come back. But obviously I won't by into their tricks.

I think I would create more of a distance. Which is the whole point! I don't really care about them anymore and I don't think about them anymore, because they have never ever cared about my feelings on anything.
Reply 27
Original post by clh_hilary
Yeah so that's probably the second best to London. And there's that high speed railway.


Ok :smile:
I'm still doing a levels, my main aim right now is to just move out for undergraduate
Original post by Anonymous
So what are you going to do?
*bump*
So I just had a conversation with a friend of mine (she does not know about my dilemma or my situation) and she said that I could apply for council housing after graduation and when I get a job (not a someone who is on benefits and in need for social housing) but as someone who is willing to pay the full rate as a tenant. Maybe that is something I could consider? How could the council help me, especially when I don't come from a deprived background? My friend said that I could get my parents to write that they can no longer accommodate me.

I am so unsure. How does this all work? I knew that not all people living in council houses are living on benefits or living in deprived areas. But how could someone like me get council housing after graduation?

Even if I could get council housing, then I wouldn't want to live in the London borough I'm from for the sake of my safety. I'd have to live in a different borough.

Perhaps I should disclose to the council the details of the abuse? Maybe the council would help me then?

Ultimately I am looking to avoid moving back home for the sake of my safety and sanity.
Decide now not to move back to your parents house, imagine a map of the whole of the country (or the world) and just mentally cross that one tiny place off. See how many possibilities you have? Endless! Even if you live in London its a huge place and you dont have to live near your family.

Given the horrendous relationship with them that you describe you dont have to let them know your plans for when you graduate, or even your address for that matter. You will be that bit older by then too, you could live anywhere you want to, in any city, any county and any country. If you dont want to cut ties with them entirely they only need your email address and a mobile number to stay in touch, you can choose to keep the rest of it to yourself. I expect you will drift away from such a destructive relationship anyway as you move on with your life, so dont feel beholden to them or restricted by what they say or think. You wont always be expected to live with them so leaving a few years before they were thinking you would is no biggie.

Some good advice already about planning ahead for your graduation, securing a job asap, speaking to the council about the possibility of some initial help considering your unwillingness to go back to your parents house etc.

You only have to consider you now, what they want or expect from you is irrelevant.

Good luck xx
Original post by LolaLowe
Decide now not to move back to your parents house, imagine a map of the whole of the country (or the world) and just mentally cross that one tiny place off. See how many possibilities you have? Endless! Even if you live in London its a huge place and you dont have to live near your family.

Given the horrendous relationship with them that you describe you dont have to let them know your plans for when you graduate, or even your address for that matter. You will be that bit older by then too, you could live anywhere you want to, in any city, any county and any country. If you dont want to cut ties with them entirely they only need your email address and a mobile number to stay in touch, you can choose to keep the rest of it to yourself. I expect you will drift away from such a destructive relationship anyway as you move on with your life, so dont feel beholden to them or restricted by what they say or think. You wont always be expected to live with them so leaving a few years before they were thinking you would is no biggie.

Some good advice already about planning ahead for your graduation, securing a job asap, speaking to the council about the possibility of some initial help considering your unwillingness to go back to your parents house etc.

You only have to consider you now, what they want or expect from you is irrelevant.

Good luck xx


Thank you for your advice.
Original post by Anonymous
Thank you. I will check out those links.


No problem :smile:. Hope things work out for you.
Update...

I don't really know what to do...

I have just finished first year...that means I have two years to figure out and finalize a solution.

And I now know that my mum would rather I move back home instead of staying in the North.
Get a job, rent a house.
Hey all, just an update.

So I have been having CBT, counselling and I have been seeing careers advisors. I am still trying to figure out the best solution but I am not quite there yet.

My plan is to stay in the north after I graduate in 2016 and then move to London in 2-3 years. I am willing to live in a flat share but I need to save up money for a deposit. I could get a job now but it would have to be part-time and I doubt I would be able to save up as much money as possible. I am a full-time student with commitments after all.

Another option is to move back down to London and live in a flatshare in a different part of London - it is massive! - but I think I'd rather save money and keep my distance, and as much as I am a Londoner at heart, I am not ready to leave my uni hometown - or uni for that matter!

Also, my plan is to have (any) job lined up prior to graduation, even if it is not my ideal job, just so that I can have money to pay bills, rent, tax, qualifications, etc.

My counsellor suggested going on the dole and claiming housing benefit before getting back on my feet, good idea though I am not sure how this works. I have never lived off benefits in my life.

So what do you think?
Original post by Anonymous
Hey all, just an update.

So I have been having CBT, counselling and I have been seeing careers advisors. I am still trying to figure out the best solution but I am not quite there yet.

My plan is to stay in the north after I graduate in 2016 and then move to London in 2-3 years. I am willing to live in a flat share but I need to save up money for a deposit. I could get a job now but it would have to be part-time and I doubt I would be able to save up as much money as possible. I am a full-time student with commitments after all.

Another option is to move back down to London and live in a flatshare in a different part of London - it is massive! - but I think I'd rather save money and keep my distance, and as much as I am a Londoner at heart, I am not ready to leave my uni hometown - or uni for that matter!

Also, my plan is to have (any) job lined up prior to graduation, even if it is not my ideal job, just so that I can have money to pay bills, rent, tax, qualifications, etc.

My counsellor suggested going on the dole and claiming housing benefit before getting back on my feet, good idea though I am not sure how this works. I have never lived off benefits in my life.

So what do you think?


your plan sounds great! I just joined the thread and I am in a similar situation where I am secretly undergoing counselling because of my abusive parents. I am in the last year of 6th form and the only reason I am working hard is to be able to move away for uni. I plan on getting a transferable job now so I can start saving up and throughout uni too, so by the end of my third year I can rent a cheap place or house share. I have no intentions of going back home after uni. I know that Sheffield have some really lovely properties that are at a great price for graduates and they have some properties designated specifically for flatsharing.

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