Long term boyfriend... but feelings for someone else?!

I know I'll get cal a **** for this, but anyway:
I've been with my boyfriend for years, longer than you, and as for you he was the first for me. We have always had a beautiful relationship, never cheated (or even thought of); we've been through some rough periods but nothing too worrying. I've never seriously thought of breaking up with him in all this time.

One day, years ago, I was attending an event that was gonna last for a few days. I didn't know anyone but quickly made friends during the first day, noone of them struck me in anyway (I remember commenting jokingly to myself that all the guys were pretty plain) To cut a long story short, by the 3rd day I felt my heart racing madly for one of them. I didn't even know how or when it happened - we got on so well, I felt amazing around him, it's not something I could help. By his behaviour I think he felt the same - maybe not as strongly as me, but you could tell there was an interest (also, these sort of things hardly happen completely onesided).

Have I considered leaving my bf and declaring him my feelings? Yes.
Did I do it? No.

I just sat there and told myself that I was still in love with my bf even if I had feelings for this other guy; I reminded myself that it's easy to be an amazing person for 3 days - a lot more difficult to be an amazing person (like my bf has been) for 3 years and more. I think feelings can't be controlled, but choices can; I decided to be with my bf (and I didn't do anything with the 2nd guy - not even spent any time alone with him) so I don't see why I should be blamed.
He lived a couple of hours away from me, so when the event we were attending was over I didn't take any chance to see him ever again. We texted in a friendly way from time to time for a few months, then he was a closed chapter.
It's been 2.5 years since and I believe I did the right thing staying with my boyfriend.

There are a lot of people IIT that don't know how love really works.

Just having a passing crush on someone does not mean you don't love your partner. All these people saying "you don't love him", please get off your horses.

OP, I think this is something every relationship passes through at some point or another. Falling in love is something that lasts maximum about 2 years, I can dig up the studies for the skeptics if they're really interested, but essentially after that "spark" fades a little more to a different kind of attachment (less blind and single-minded), that's when you really have to put the effort in to keep things going. And I think having crushes on other people is not a good or bad thing, it just happens. What you decide to do is what matters. But make sure you make the choices you don't regret, give yourself plenty of time to think things over - it's very likely you get over this other guy and forget about him, though if you are around him a lot it will take a bit longer.

But think about it like this - did you break up after your first argument or serious rough patch? No, you got through it. This doesn't have to mean anything other than you're not asexual for people that aren't your partner. It doesn't mean you aren't meant to be or that you don't love him. People who think this doesn't happen have never been in a serious long-term relationship and have idealistic notions of everlasting blissful love, as portrayed in sappy novels.

The problem with questions like this is that it is so hard to judge objectively or rationally. Personally I would never leave someone who makes me happy for someone that might.

There are a lot of people IIT that don't know how love really works.

Just having a passing crush on someone does not mean you don't love your partner. All these people saying "you don't love him", please get off your horses.

OP, I think this is something every relationship passes through at some point or another. Falling in love is something that lasts maximum about 2 years, I can dig up the studies for the skeptics if they're really interested, but essentially after that "spark" fades a little more to a different kind of attachment (less blind and single-minded), that's when you really have to put the effort in to keep things going. And I think having crushes on other people is not a good or bad thing, it just happens. What you decide to do is what matters. But make sure you make the choices you don't regret, give yourself plenty of time to think things over - it's very likely you get over this other guy and forget about him, though if you are around him a lot it will take a bit longer.

But think about it like this - did you break up after your first argument or serious rough patch? No, you got through it. This doesn't have to mean anything other than you're not asexual for people that aren't your partner. It doesn't mean you aren't meant to be or that you don't love him. People who think this doesn't happen have never been in a serious long-term relationship and have idealistic notions of everlasting blissful love, as portrayed in sappy novels.

The problem with questions like this is that it is so hard to judge objectively or rationally. Personally I would never leave someone who makes me happy for someone that might.

Just what.

How would you feel if this was the case with your boyfriend? Damn right, you would not have liked it. Just end it now - you don't love him. It's unfair to your boyfriend and you don't seem mature enough for a relationship.

Well that escalated rapidly..

I really like most of this post, you make a lot of sense. I just don't get the 2 years bit...I was with my ex for almost 4 years...and I really don't think the spark faded, infact the third year was probably the best. If you could tell me where to find a link to that, that'd be great. Very interesting.

There are a lot of people IIT that don't know how love really works.

Just having a passing crush on someone does not mean you don't love your partner. All these people saying "you don't love him", please get off your horses.

OP, I think this is something every relationship passes through at some point or another. Falling in love is something that lasts maximum about 2 years, I can dig up the studies for the skeptics if they're really interested, but essentially after that "spark" fades a little more to a different kind of attachment (less blind and single-minded), that's when you really have to put the effort in to keep things going. And I think having crushes on other people is not a good or bad thing, it just happens. What you decide to do is what matters. But make sure you make the choices you don't regret, give yourself plenty of time to think things over - it's very likely you get over this other guy and forget about him, though if you are around him a lot it will take a bit longer.

But think about it like this - did you break up after your first argument or serious rough patch? No, you got through it. This doesn't have to mean anything other than you're not asexual for people that aren't your partner. It doesn't mean you aren't meant to be or that you don't love him. People who think this doesn't happen have never been in a serious long-term relationship and have idealistic notions of everlasting blissful love, as portrayed in sappy novels.

The problem with questions like this is that it is so hard to judge objectively or rationally. Personally I would never leave someone who makes me happy for someone that might.

Sorry what?!

Sorry what what? I was extremely unhappy in my previous relationship. You gotta a question? In happy to answer

And you know what love is because...?

P.S. - if you really would love to know I've been in a long-term relationship; trust me - and that never happened to me.

It's a chemical reaction in the brain designed to bring two people together to procreate. I have talked about it before on TSR but generally don't because people have said it "de-mystifies" love and takes some of the "magic" away by making it a bit clinical.

It's never happened to me either, at least, it has only happened to me when my relationship was already dead. But that doesn't change the fact that it's a ridiculous statement to claim someone doesn't love someone just because they have a crush. It's entirely possible to love more than one person at once, and it's possible to love someone and have a passing crush on someone else. Just because one happens, doesn't mean you can't have the other. It's awful advice to tell someone to break up over this - do people really give up on all relationships so easily these days? "You had an argument, clearly you aren't meant to be - dump him". Doesn't that sound ridiculous to you? People get obsessive crushes over celebrities, would you say to them that they can't love their partner because of that?

As I said. To expect anyone in a very long-term relationship to never have a crush is kidding yourself. It happens. It's what you choose to do that matters.

I really like most of this post, you make a lot of sense. I just don't get the 2 years bit...I was with my ex for almost 4 years...and I really don't think the spark faded, infact the third year was probably the best. If you could tell me where to find a link to that, that'd be great. Very interesting.

I agree. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years and we still have a spark. The longer we've been together, the better the relationship has become. Unless desdemonata is referring to the lust/"falling in love" feeling you get at the beginning (which for me lasted a few months).

But other than that, I agree with this post. Having a temporary crush on someone doesn't mean you don't love your partner. I think that if you're with someone for years and years, it's probably going to happen at least once.

Argument is a different incomparable scenario. Here she is developing feelings for someone else whilst her relationship seems to have been going perfectly well. People have obsession with celebrities, that's not them loving them and certainly it's a mocking example to include as it's just laughable, as clearly they won't stand a chance there.
You can still love your family/friends, yes, but loving two people on an intimate level is not love, it's greediness and lust.

You can have a crush whilst having no problems in your relationship. People have eyes and are still sexual beings, just because we have committed to someone and are in love with them doesn't mean we become asexual for everyone else...

A crush isn't loving someone on an intimate level. And in any case, I don't think we're biologically or chemically incapable of loving more than one person. As you try to brush aside, we're certainly able to love more than one person in a familial sense.

In any case, I think telling someone to break up over this is an overreaction and awful advice. You've assumed that she's totally deeply in love with this other person just because she noticed them and recognises that she's attracted. It's a pretty extreme response to something that is most likely a passing phase.

You can have a crush whilst having no problems in your relationship. People have eyes and are still sexual beings, just because we have committed to someone and are in love with them doesn't mean we become asexual for everyone else...

A crush isn't loving someone on an intimate level. And in any case, I don't think we're biologically or chemically incapable of loving more than one person. As you try to brush aside, we're certainly able to love more than one person in a familial sense.

In any case, I think telling someone to break up over this is an overreaction and awful advice. You've assumed that she's totally deeply in love with this other person just because she noticed them and recognises that she's attracted. It's a pretty extreme response to something that is most likely a passing phase.