How to deal with demands from friend?
Ok, so here goes.
Since I've been at university there is a guy I have been friends with. He is nice but...
I feel like he expects stuff from me. It is getting to the point where he won't take the hint.
First of all, a few months into the course he asked me out. I knew he fancied me because of the way he behaved towards me in comparison to our friends. I politely declined because I was (and I am still not) interested in him. I don't find him attractive. Anyway, I declined and then he expected an explanation from him - why did I say no to him? Why didn't I want to go out with him? I told him straight up that I was not interested in him and that we will only be friends.
Ever since then it's like he will not accept the word no. I feel as though he uses all sorts of ways to change my mind but it never works.
Next - he has insisted that I come to his flat. I don't have a problem visiting friends but he is so desperate for me to come to his flat and cook for him. I am happy to spend time with friends but I am not willing to go to someone's house and be someone's servant just because they cannot be bothered to cook for themselves sometimes. Plus, I prefer to cook for myself and I am not a very good cook. I have politely declined and told him all sorts - I am not the best cook, I'm busy, etc - but he won't stop insisting.
He has tried to be demanding at other times - i.e. we went to a restaurant and he demanded that I get him a drink, despite being more that capable enough to get one himself. I refused, but he kept on insisting and he pushed his cup towards me. I refused several times and pushed his cup away from me. I am not a servant.
Even when we are having conversations he will randomly mention things like "You have never been to my house? Why won't you come?" Why why why why why. It's like he is trying to guilt trip me. It's like he is so desperate. One time he wanted to come home with me after a seminar and he wouldn't stop insisting and questioning me, despite the fact I was tired that day and I wanted to go home and nap. He wouldn't take no for an answer. I put my foot down, made myself clear and he felt hurt.
He has also insisted that I come to his church - he has asked me over and over again, despite the fact that I have made it clear that I am agnostic and that I am not interested. He kept asking me why I don't believe in God and a whole bunch of questions. I made it clear that I am agnostic and I question God and that I am not interested in coming to his church. He has tried tactics to get me involved - introducing me to his church friends, and telling me that he will meet me to go to his church, despite the fact that I told him I wasn't going anywhere.
He is a nice guy, but I wish he would just stop and give it up. He asked me again to come and cook for him. He wants to sample my food - like I said I am not a great cook so why would he want to sample my food. He has also asked me about my love life and he calls me affectionate names - I feel like getting myself a boyfriend just so that he can stop, but I don't see how that would work.
Am I being unreasonable? He is a nice guy but he should give it a rest.
What do I do? Even when I say no he doesn't realize that he should give it a rest. I am quite assertive, but this is beginning to annoy me. I have never had friends so desperate for me to do demands for them.
Since I've been at university there is a guy I have been friends with. He is nice but...
I feel like he expects stuff from me. It is getting to the point where he won't take the hint.
First of all, a few months into the course he asked me out. I knew he fancied me because of the way he behaved towards me in comparison to our friends. I politely declined because I was (and I am still not) interested in him. I don't find him attractive. Anyway, I declined and then he expected an explanation from him - why did I say no to him? Why didn't I want to go out with him? I told him straight up that I was not interested in him and that we will only be friends.
Ever since then it's like he will not accept the word no. I feel as though he uses all sorts of ways to change my mind but it never works.
Next - he has insisted that I come to his flat. I don't have a problem visiting friends but he is so desperate for me to come to his flat and cook for him. I am happy to spend time with friends but I am not willing to go to someone's house and be someone's servant just because they cannot be bothered to cook for themselves sometimes. Plus, I prefer to cook for myself and I am not a very good cook. I have politely declined and told him all sorts - I am not the best cook, I'm busy, etc - but he won't stop insisting.
He has tried to be demanding at other times - i.e. we went to a restaurant and he demanded that I get him a drink, despite being more that capable enough to get one himself. I refused, but he kept on insisting and he pushed his cup towards me. I refused several times and pushed his cup away from me. I am not a servant.
Even when we are having conversations he will randomly mention things like "You have never been to my house? Why won't you come?" Why why why why why. It's like he is trying to guilt trip me. It's like he is so desperate. One time he wanted to come home with me after a seminar and he wouldn't stop insisting and questioning me, despite the fact I was tired that day and I wanted to go home and nap. He wouldn't take no for an answer. I put my foot down, made myself clear and he felt hurt.
He has also insisted that I come to his church - he has asked me over and over again, despite the fact that I have made it clear that I am agnostic and that I am not interested. He kept asking me why I don't believe in God and a whole bunch of questions. I made it clear that I am agnostic and I question God and that I am not interested in coming to his church. He has tried tactics to get me involved - introducing me to his church friends, and telling me that he will meet me to go to his church, despite the fact that I told him I wasn't going anywhere.
He is a nice guy, but I wish he would just stop and give it up. He asked me again to come and cook for him. He wants to sample my food - like I said I am not a great cook so why would he want to sample my food. He has also asked me about my love life and he calls me affectionate names - I feel like getting myself a boyfriend just so that he can stop, but I don't see how that would work.
Am I being unreasonable? He is a nice guy but he should give it a rest.
What do I do? Even when I say no he doesn't realize that he should give it a rest. I am quite assertive, but this is beginning to annoy me. I have never had friends so desperate for me to do demands for them.
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He sounds nuts.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by SMEGGGY
Lol.
He is nice but he is annoying me with his demands but even though I have refused several times, I don't think he realizes.
TLDR for those who cannot be bothered to read the text:
I have friend who won't stop putting forward demands - I should come to his church, I should come to his home and cook for him, and he cannot get his head around why I won't date him. I ends up demanding an explanation. I have refused his demands several times but he is not taking no for an answer and he doesn't take the hints. I am not interested, but when I say no he want an explanation for why.
What do I do?
I have friend who won't stop putting forward demands - I should come to his church, I should come to his home and cook for him, and he cannot get his head around why I won't date him. I ends up demanding an explanation. I have refused his demands several times but he is not taking no for an answer and he doesn't take the hints. I am not interested, but when I say no he want an explanation for why.
What do I do?
Original post by SMEGGGY
So what do I do?
Just replace every no with **** off.
Original post by consumed by stuff
Just replace every no with **** off.
Lol I don't want to be rude. He is my friend. And he is not a bad person really.
Original post by Leftee
Awkward situation to be in OP. You're gonna have to be more aggressive if you want this to stop.
From what you've said, he does sound nuts... bloody Christians; so relentless.
From what you've said, he does sound nuts... bloody Christians; so relentless.
I guess. Like I said in my OP, I have been assertive many many times and I am not afraid to put my foot down as I have done in the past. I always say no. But how many times must I say no before he gets the message? Also, I should not have to feel as though I have to explain myself, and I should not have to feel as though I have obligations towards him because he is my friend and we are the same ethnicity. He is so desperate and he doesn't even realize he comes across this way. I have been honest, but even that is not enough.
I think he thinks that he can try every trick in the book to get me to change my mind on things - some men think that they can change a woman's mind. But his tactics are not working on me.
Original post by Anonymous
So what do I do?
Run.
Original post by Old_Simon
Well you picked him as a "friend". Not us.
But it was only after we became friends that he started acting like this, not before. He started acting a certain way towards me because he fancied me. I made it clear that I was not interested. Then the demands came.
If you want happy in our life.Forget friends demands only Concentrate on your own work..
Original post by Anonymous
Lol I don't want to be rude. He is my friend. And he is not a bad person really.
But he's being rude by continuing to demand things after you've said no. To be honest I'm not sure why you want to be his friend, he sounds exhausting to be around.
The next time he asks you to do something tell him that the way he doesn't let things drop and continuously demands things is making you feel very uncomfortable and if he carries on doing it you'll have to cut contact. Then if he does it again after this either ignore him or walk away depending on the situation.
I know someone who is a bit like this (though only when drunk) and being blunt with him is the only way to stop it.
Original post by Jezebelle
But he's being rude by continuing to demand things after you've said no. To be honest I'm not sure why you want to be his friend, he sounds exhausting to be around.
The next time he asks you to do something tell him that the way he doesn't let things drop and continuously demands things is making you feel very uncomfortable and if he carries on doing it you'll have to cut contact. Then if he does it again after this either ignore him or walk away depending on the situation.
I know someone who is a bit like this (though only when drunk) and being blunt with him is the only way to stop it.
The next time he asks you to do something tell him that the way he doesn't let things drop and continuously demands things is making you feel very uncomfortable and if he carries on doing it you'll have to cut contact. Then if he does it again after this either ignore him or walk away depending on the situation.
I know someone who is a bit like this (though only when drunk) and being blunt with him is the only way to stop it.
He does a similar course to me. At times I have felt really annoyed with him because I feel as though he is so desperate, or he seems to think he can change my mind when I won't.
I feel as though he is trying hard to cross the boundaries. He tries to use certain tactics, but it doesn't work. He tries to randomly bring up his demands within conversations when his demands have nothing to do with the conversation, but I just shut them down and change the subject.I guess from what you have said I am going to be extra blunt and I will have to make it clear that I am not comfortable with him not letting things go. After all, it is becoming rather boring and repetitive. If he really wants a servant for a girlfriend then he can find someone else, not me.
Original post by Anonymous
I guess from what you have said I am going to be extra blunt and I will have to make it clear that I am not comfortable with him not letting things go. After all, it is becoming rather boring and repetitive. If he really wants a servant for a girlfriend then he can find someone else, not me.
I guess from what you have said I am going to be extra blunt and I will have to make it clear that I am not comfortable with him not letting things go. After all, it is becoming rather boring and repetitive. If he really wants a servant for a girlfriend then he can find someone else, not me.
I think this is what you should do. Is there anyway you can break off the friendship? It doesn't sound a healthy friendship to me.
Original post by williams aaron
If you want happy in our life.Forget friends demands only Concentrate on your own work..
Yep
Original post by OU Student
I think this is what you should do. Is there anyway you can break off the friendship? It doesn't sound a healthy friendship to me.
Hey
I have only just stumbled back to this thread and it's rather ironic that you have suggested that, because I was thinking about possibly ending the friendship the other day. It's a bit difficult because we are supposed to be looking for houses together with another friend of ours. A very long time ago he offered for me to live with him because of the issues I was having with my flatmates. He was also having issues with his flatmates, but he was never persistent then. He hasn't been so persistent lately - this week he asked me if I could meet up with him and we could revise together because we are doing the same module, and we are both struggling to revise. I said no because I am not in the university hometown (I am at home for the holidays.) Usually he would ask and ask and try to come up with a way for us to but this time he didn't.
A while back I went to a restaurant with him and a friend. He asked this friend about her religious views and she said she is not very religious and she is very liberal. Then he mentioned me and said "Dee Leigh doesn't think religion is for her and she has explored into it and I think that's ok. It's not for everyone."
I thought that would be the end of it.
However, just before the holiday he said to me "why did you not come to church with me? You promised me you would come. 'So-and-so' said she will come and she is not religious." I looked at him dead in the eye and I said that I have NEVER promised that I would go to his African church with him. He assumed I would come. I said I was never coming. I told him I might consider it but chances are I won't come because I am not interested and I never have been. I also mentioned to him that he always asks people to come to his church and I am very wary of his intentions. He said don't worry, he is not trying to convert me and he is not being paid for trying to get people to his church. He said he wants me to come and hear him sing.
I don't believe him. I am not trying to be stereotypical but I know he goes to those African churches and I know their tactics when it comes to getting people to the church and to stop them from leaving.
He is a nice guy but coming across as desperate and creepy. If he tries again I will put my foot down and put him in his place. I will tell him that we have to agree that we have different interests and to leave it at that. I am NOT changing my mind. Why should I? I don't get why he is using stupid tactics. And I don't get why he is putting words into my mouth by saying I promised him that I would come to his church when I have never said that, or that I was dropping hints in terms of fancying him. I have always being clear that I was NEVER interested in him. Why can't he take no for an answer and just accept friendship. We are not compatible. I don't ever want to date a traditional man. He knows I am a liberal minded woman, why would he want to be with me? I feel as though he would change me if we were in a relationship. He is also physically unattractive.
He is either stupid/creepy/delusional/desperate/naive, or all of those things.
So I am thinking of keeping my distance from him. But it is difficult because he is part of my friendship group, and we are all supposed to be looking for a home together for the next academic year. I know that if I lived with him I would definitely put my foot down and focus on my degree and my societal commitments. After living with my current flatmates, especially one who happens to be the housemate from HELL, there is no way I am putting up with nonsense from anyone, especially him.
Original post by Anonymous
Hey
I have only just stumbled back to this thread and it's rather ironic that you have suggested that, because I was thinking about possibly ending the friendship the other day. It's a bit difficult because we are supposed to be looking for houses together with another friend of ours. A very long time ago he offered for me to live with him because of the issues I was having with my flatmates. He was also having issues with his flatmates, but he was never persistent then. He hasn't been so persistent lately - this week he asked me if I could meet up with him and we could revise together because we are doing the same module, and we are both struggling to revise. I said no because I am not in the university hometown (I am at home for the holidays.) Usually he would ask and ask and try to come up with a way for us to but this time he didn't.
A while back I went to a restaurant with him and a friend. He asked this friend about her religious views and she said she is not very religious and she is very liberal. Then he mentioned me and said "Dee Leigh doesn't think religion is for her and she has explored into it and I think that's ok. It's not for everyone."
I thought that would be the end of it.
However, just before the holiday he said to me "why did you not come to church with me? You promised me you would come. 'So-and-so' said she will come and she is not religious." I looked at him dead in the eye and I said that I have NEVER promised that I would go to his African church with him. He assumed I would come. I said I was never coming. I told him I might consider it but chances are I won't come because I am not interested and I never have been. I also mentioned to him that he always asks people to come to his church and I am very wary of his intentions. He said don't worry, he is not trying to convert me and he is not being paid for trying to get people to his church. He said he wants me to come and hear him sing.
I don't believe him. I am not trying to be stereotypical but I know he goes to those African churches and I know their tactics when it comes to getting people to the church and to stop them from leaving.
He is a nice guy but coming across as desperate and creepy. If he tries again I will put my foot down and put him in his place. I will tell him that we have to agree that we have different interests and to leave it at that. I am NOT changing my mind. Why should I? I don't get why he is using stupid tactics. And I don't get why he is putting words into my mouth by saying I promised him that I would come to his church when I have never said that, or that I was dropping hints in terms of fancying him. I have always being clear that I was NEVER interested in him. Why can't he take no for an answer and just accept friendship. We are not compatible. I don't ever want to date a traditional man. He knows I am a liberal minded woman, why would he want to be with me? I feel as though he would change me if we were in a relationship. He is also physically unattractive.
He is either stupid/creepy/delusional/desperate/naive, or all of those things.
So I am thinking of keeping my distance from him. But it is difficult because he is part of my friendship group, and we are all supposed to be looking for a home together for the next academic year. I know that if I lived with him I would definitely put my foot down and focus on my degree and my societal commitments. After living with my current flatmates, especially one who happens to be the housemate from HELL, there is no way I am putting up with nonsense from anyone, especially him.
I have only just stumbled back to this thread and it's rather ironic that you have suggested that, because I was thinking about possibly ending the friendship the other day. It's a bit difficult because we are supposed to be looking for houses together with another friend of ours. A very long time ago he offered for me to live with him because of the issues I was having with my flatmates. He was also having issues with his flatmates, but he was never persistent then. He hasn't been so persistent lately - this week he asked me if I could meet up with him and we could revise together because we are doing the same module, and we are both struggling to revise. I said no because I am not in the university hometown (I am at home for the holidays.) Usually he would ask and ask and try to come up with a way for us to but this time he didn't.
A while back I went to a restaurant with him and a friend. He asked this friend about her religious views and she said she is not very religious and she is very liberal. Then he mentioned me and said "Dee Leigh doesn't think religion is for her and she has explored into it and I think that's ok. It's not for everyone."
I thought that would be the end of it.
However, just before the holiday he said to me "why did you not come to church with me? You promised me you would come. 'So-and-so' said she will come and she is not religious." I looked at him dead in the eye and I said that I have NEVER promised that I would go to his African church with him. He assumed I would come. I said I was never coming. I told him I might consider it but chances are I won't come because I am not interested and I never have been. I also mentioned to him that he always asks people to come to his church and I am very wary of his intentions. He said don't worry, he is not trying to convert me and he is not being paid for trying to get people to his church. He said he wants me to come and hear him sing.
I don't believe him. I am not trying to be stereotypical but I know he goes to those African churches and I know their tactics when it comes to getting people to the church and to stop them from leaving.
He is a nice guy but coming across as desperate and creepy. If he tries again I will put my foot down and put him in his place. I will tell him that we have to agree that we have different interests and to leave it at that. I am NOT changing my mind. Why should I? I don't get why he is using stupid tactics. And I don't get why he is putting words into my mouth by saying I promised him that I would come to his church when I have never said that, or that I was dropping hints in terms of fancying him. I have always being clear that I was NEVER interested in him. Why can't he take no for an answer and just accept friendship. We are not compatible. I don't ever want to date a traditional man. He knows I am a liberal minded woman, why would he want to be with me? I feel as though he would change me if we were in a relationship. He is also physically unattractive.
He is either stupid/creepy/delusional/desperate/naive, or all of those things.
So I am thinking of keeping my distance from him. But it is difficult because he is part of my friendship group, and we are all supposed to be looking for a home together for the next academic year. I know that if I lived with him I would definitely put my foot down and focus on my degree and my societal commitments. After living with my current flatmates, especially one who happens to be the housemate from HELL, there is no way I am putting up with nonsense from anyone, especially him.
When I said this I didn't mean to hold people hostage, I mean that brainwash people into converting them into the religion and their beliefs, but if you leave the church and say "sorry but this is not for me" then they strongly discourage this and they try to brainwash you into staying. Therefore it is not your choice. You feel trapped. To be honest, I feel as though he is guilt-tripping me into following the religion and he is using underhand tactics to get me to the church, such as saying things like "I want you to come and hear me sing!"
Please don't live with this guy, if you haven't signed anything yet it's not too late, either suggest someone else from the group lives with you and look for a small place or drop out from the group and find strangers to live with.
I chose to live with a guy I was having problems with (basically he liked me, I didn't feel the same way and the way he acted made me feel uncomfortable). I decided to live with him despite the problems because I figured he'd get over it and things would be easier and also because I really liked everyone else in the house and that I could put up with this one guy if it meant I liked everyone else. It's one of my biggest regrets. It was a really horrible situation and I wish so much I'd just lived somewhere else.
I know choosing new people to live with seems like a scary prospect but in the long run its the best option. Things like this are really difficult to resolve, especially as he doesn't even seem to realise he's bothering you. Maybe you can be friends but I really wouldn't live with him.
It can be difficult living with people you get on with nevermind those you don't. Really little things begin to bother you and become so much bigger than they are just because you have to be around them constantly. I know you said you wouldn't put up with rubbish from him because of your past experience but its a lot easier just to not put yourself in a position where you're going to have a battle.
I chose to live with a guy I was having problems with (basically he liked me, I didn't feel the same way and the way he acted made me feel uncomfortable). I decided to live with him despite the problems because I figured he'd get over it and things would be easier and also because I really liked everyone else in the house and that I could put up with this one guy if it meant I liked everyone else. It's one of my biggest regrets. It was a really horrible situation and I wish so much I'd just lived somewhere else.
I know choosing new people to live with seems like a scary prospect but in the long run its the best option. Things like this are really difficult to resolve, especially as he doesn't even seem to realise he's bothering you. Maybe you can be friends but I really wouldn't live with him.
It can be difficult living with people you get on with nevermind those you don't. Really little things begin to bother you and become so much bigger than they are just because you have to be around them constantly. I know you said you wouldn't put up with rubbish from him because of your past experience but its a lot easier just to not put yourself in a position where you're going to have a battle.
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