Not enjoying sex at all with girlfriend

I meant my posts seem to start vicious arguements, at least whenever I post onto relationship forum.

Yes; I watch porn - my boyfriend watches porn. That's different; that's different from having an attraction to girl you met irl.
OP specified how he thinks/dreams sexually about girls whom he just met/saw in the street. I wouldn't mind if my boyfriend thought sexually of imaginary girls; women in porn but girls irl - that's crossing the line for me. And once again, I ask - how do you know it makes me abnormal since you've never done a survey? But hey, I take your word for it - because many ppl are stuck in their meaningless relationships that they often find themselves sexually dreaming about someone else; developing an attraction for someone else and so on. That's normal. But only because their relationships are quite weak.

http://www.thedailybeast.com/witw/articles/2013/07/15/is-it-emotional-cheating-when-couples-fantasize-about-other-people-during-sex.html
http://www.thefrisky.com/2010-01-12/dear-wendy-i-love-my-boyfriend-but-i-fantasize-about-other-men/
Also, http://www.lehmiller.com/blog/2013/11/15/sex-question-friday-is-it-normal-to-fantasize-about-someone-other-than-your-partner

I'm surprised you don't think it's normal to be honest, I thought it was widely known that people do this. To demand that a partner not think of anyone else sexually seems a bit Thought Police-y to me. Not that I want to know who my boyfriend fantasises about specifically, but I know he finds other women attractive.

How long have you been in your current relationship? Your mindset seems quite naive to me so I can't imagine it's that long or I imagine you are quite young. I'd feel bad about saying that but you've just said that others without your opinion are in "weak" relationships, so c'est la vie.

Were you physically attracted to her before? What has changed? Has she gained weight or? Is it something that, were it possible to change, your sex life would be better?

If it's not something that can be changed then I think you have to question if the relationship is worth maintaining. Of course there are more important things in a relationship than sex but being attracted to your partner and wanting to be intimate with them is still a large factor. I'm sure she'd be happier with someone who found her attractive (no offence to you, you can't help these things), and likewise you'd be happier with someone you find attractive.

She's "nice" to you isn't really enough - do you really REALLY like her or are you just with her because she's nice? Feelings are really important and if that's lacking there's not really much point in the relationship.

I'm similar OP. I lose attraction to a woman very quickly. The thrill is the chase as it were. Often I'm actually content with just daydreaming/thinking about women, at least I kind change the situation or quickly get over it and not feel bad. But yet I'm the same, generally I'm very sexual, and thinking about sex all the time. Even when I have a girlfriend, I'm looking at other women and imagining scenarios with them. Even when I was doing the same to my girlfriend before I even got with her.

What sex (and even masturbation feels like) is I want that gratification. And when I put it off I get irritable. When I actually perform the act, I'm satisfied for a little while. Not that happy, but rather that tension being relaxed. And then after it's finished I feel pretty empty. Sometimes not even sure why I did it in the first place.

But like you, often the first few times you do it, it's fun. It's something new, it's exciting. But when I start doing it regularly with someone, it becomes more like a process, it's not as exciting. You get over their looks, and for not wanting to sound offensive, you sort of feel you've done that now, and want to move on to something new.

Sex for me doesn't seem very emotional to me. It feel's more of a need and a tool to release that tension. Sometimes it's fun, but it's never emotional. I enjoy other stuff like cuddling, talking to a person, that feels emotional as it feels personal, you get to enjoy that person's personality and the feel of how much she loves you. Sex just doesn't feel like that though. Just feels like something I need to do, and if I don't do it (or masturbate), I feel stressed. It might be easier for me if I just wasn't sexually attracted to people like that, it'd make life easier.


Might be in the minority here, but for me the main crux of a relationship is getting on with the person, caring for each other etc. To like being around them. Sex is more something that you need, you might even have fun doing it, but it's not the main part of a relationship nor should it be structured around that.

In all honesty It sounds like you're just not in love anymore, as someone said, if the chemistry isn't there, there's not much you can do, you can work past a lack of attraction or an awkward sex life but if the magics gone, it's time to move on. If that is the case, just be gentle but honest with her. And, sorry :/

Here's a question it would be helpful to have the answer to: how many people have you slept with?

My strong suspicion is that this woman is your first girlfriend. Otherwise I think you'd have mentioned that this problem didn't occur with other partners, or that you fantasise about exes.

That being the case: please be careful. It could very plausibly be that you have a strong sexual fantasy life during the week where you're by yourself. Perhaps supplemented by porn. Your fantasy life gets richer and richer, and before you know it, you've accidentally become a bit sexually neurotic. It might be that if you split up with your girlfriend, you'd find sex with new partners just as hollow.

One of the dangers of hardcore porn is a desensitising effect to actual sex. If that's what's going on here there are easy cures: stop watching porn, stop masturbating, and save it all for your girlfriend. Given your investment in the relationship, I think you should try something like this before calling it a day.

I've made a lot of assumptions here, but I have heard of other LDRs falling victim to the same dynamic and experienced something similar myself once. What I'm saying is: don't do something you're going to regret here.

Sexual attraction is important in a relationship. As Precious Illusions said, I think you'd be better off with someone you find sexually attractive and she'd be better off with someone who finds her sexually attractive, as harsh as that may sound. It'll just cause a strain on the relationship - you feel unsatisfied with sex, might lead to you getting cranky and resenting your gf, and she might lose confidence in her physical appearance if she's unable to arouse you.

OP dump your girlfriend mate its the right thing to do and you should hold your head high you have done nothing wrong

I have no problem with my boyfriend finding someone else attractive or hot or whatever but if he starts to fantasize about them sexually, i.e. involving having sex etc then it's a slippery slope and I personally don't want to deal with it.
It doesn't matter how long I've been in my current relationship; in my past relationship in which I was for 3 yrs I never had those thoughts either, so ciao.
Don't try to throw your mind-set onto me... I'm very happy that both you and your boyfriend sexually fantasize about others. That's great, but seems I have a different relationship and I'm happy, despite coming across as abnormal etc.

Hah, I specifically avoided using the word "abnormal" because it was too pejorative! You seem a bit confrontational. I'm not saying you shouldn't be happy, I'm just saying that it might be unrealistic to expect boyfriends not to fantasise about other women (in a very harmless way). It seems like you're not going to be talking about it with your boyfriend any time soon though so perhaps it won't ever affect anything.

I'm not saying you have to fantasise about other men (and in fact I already said that I don't do it myself). Just that very many people do fantasise about people other than their partner and it does not mean that they're about to cheat.

x

As I said fantasizing doesn't mean cheating, yes, but it's bad nonetheless. That's why people keep it a secret because it's bad otherwise they wouldn't be afraid to speak out about it.
My boyfriend has already posted here so yeah Ask him yourself what he thinks.
As I said, that's all great but you seem to be pushing me to understand that men do it - yes, they do, great, but NOT ALL.
Yes, you said you don't do it but you said few years down the line you might...strong fortune telling skills (literally)...just like your relationship where you two sexually fantasize about others.

I never said all men do it, I said that it's normal to do it and you shouldn't make the OP feel bad for that alone.

It's not "bad" in and of itself. We all have thoughts that we don't share, it doesn't make it intrinsically wrong that we have them. Evidently asking your boyfriend won't help after you've said you'd dump someone for having those thoughts. Bit Orwellian that you think you can dictate what he thinks about though.

I do not understand your last line at all. I said that it's possible that a few years down the line in any relationship I might do it. I was with my last boyfriend for four and a half years and there did come a point when I would notice other men and think about them in that way. I never even came close to cheating on him. I think if you get married and spend 50+ years with someone the likelihood is that you're going to think about someone else from time to time. People shouldn't be ashamed for having these thoughts, so long as they don't act on them. You can't always help what comes into your head.

It's obviously fine that you don't have these thoughts, but you're very dictatorial about what they mean when other people have them, and I don't think that's right.

OP here again.. to comment to the previous, I would never cheat on my girlfriend because I don't think it's right.. I would love to have sex with someone else though.

One question: If I try and discuss this problem with my girlfriend, does "not enjoying sex" translate to "I don't find you physically attractive" in your opinion? Because I don't wanna say that and hurt her so bad of course, but I do wanna talk to her about this issue.

no it doesn't but it is the problem in your case ..

because if you mention it , she'll ask what about it can be improved ? what can you say?

from what you'd told me it is because you aren't attracted to her she can't change that

if it was something like not putting effort it. that can be worked on , this can't ...

Hmm that's true. If I'd just try to explain that we are lacking physical chemistry. You know like when a girl sometimes smells nice and you just want her so much? It must be something to do with natural instincts and sub concious feelings, if you know what I mean, rather than someone just being pleasing to the eye.

You know what's the worst thing; when she notices there is something wrong she just becomes nicer and nicer to me to try and please me. I feel so guilty for not enjoying sex with her, she's such a lovely girl

Okay, we are back to square one.
''I don't think these thoughts are wrong, but they shouldn't be shared''. Why exactly? Why is that if there's supposedly nothing wrong with fantasizing of giving someone else (besides your SO) few sexual acts, why is it buried deep down in our heads and not talked about explicitly? Is it not wrong of me to have thoughts of torturing/raping someone? Thank God I don't act on those thoughts but are you telling me you'd see absolutely nothing wrong with that? So, if the whole world was listening and I exclaimed that I shouldn't expect to get judged, right?
Surely if you can't help your deliberate fantasizes (and I'm not talking about dreams which you can't help now), surely that can be said same for actions? So why are you condemning cheating? I mean, if you're saying I can't help and make myself stop having those sexual fantasies of giving head to some hot guy I met a second ago, surely I can't help with ACTUALLY doing so. You can't fight strong desires...or at least it's very very hard to do so. Challenging. But if you're saying thoughts are beyond my control then you SHOULD be saying my actions based on those thoughts were out of control too because they derived from those original thoughts which I couldn't help but have. Let's say you put a box of chocolates in front of a child, and you tell the child ''Don't touch them'', 90% of the time the child won't listen. Yes, technically speaking they can help and not touch it, but they will be so tempted, they would. You might judge a child for not listening, but hey, they couldn't help it, right?
Then, it's a bit OTT obsessive controlling to tell your partner not to cheat if they can't help their actions originating from their constant thoughts/desires/fantasies. Isn't it harsh to allow them to fantasize but not allow them to act upon those fantasies? What's the point of having those fantasies in the first place? Surely that's emotional torture? Hey, you can think about having dinner tonight, but you won't be getting it. ...
So you condemn cheating because it would hurt you right? There's no official rule to say that's sinful/wrong, it's how society evolved to think. It's one of those moral issues, despite the fact that humans are designed to be otherwise. Cheating is not illegal in most countries; but yet we think of it as sinful. Then how does it differ from fantasies? Only because the fantasies were acted upon?
You see how everything we do derives from us thinking about it in first place. You don't just go and kill a person. You don't just wake up one morning and automatically cheat on someone without having the thoughts/fantasies prior to those events.
Having those fantasies may be common and that's great and relieving and all, but it's wrong. You, me and everyone else knows that. Otherwise people would have no problem discussing it at a dinner table. ''Hey husband, whom did you want to shag today?''.
Also, as I already said, there's a difference between seeing someone physically attractive and THEN it's a completely and totally different thing to fantasize having sex/performing sexual acts on those attractive people. I often go out into town/anywhere and rarely see a guy and think ''Oh wow, he is attractive''. I don't go like ''Wow, that sexy guy is better to come and **** the life out of me''................................... I'm not a horny dog to want to shag every moving attractive thing I see. I never had desire to have sex with someone if I had no emotional, romantic attraction to them & if I didn't know who the heck they were.
First one is fine for me. I'd know my boyfriend would be lying if I pointed out to him an attractive girl and he said ''No, she is ugly''. Of course, I can't tell him to close his eyes on the world and finding someone hot/attractive etc is not a wrong. Deliberately fantasizing about doing sexual acts to them IS. If you can't help to fantasize sexually about any attractive person you see, you have a PROBLEM. Yes, I don't think it's right/normal for someone who claims to be only in love & to only have sexual feelings for their partner. But I'd say it's normal for someone who has feelings for someone that are not very deep, to the point where they are lusting for someone else.
Even thoughts are red flags; such people could fall into temptation easily. OP knows this is wrong, thus he wouldn't spend his time here making a thread on it. I'm not trying to make him feel bad. I'm expressing my opinion which reassures his and silencing my opinion, i.e. ''you can't tell OP this is wrong'' is not doing your arguement a favour. Realize people have different opinions. I'm in no way saying mine is OFFICIALLY right; just that's it's another opinion and it's MINE. He is more than welcome to listen to you or to whoever else he wants. But it's very hypocritical of you to say you wouldn't want to hear about your boyfriend's fantasies, then a second later claiming that there's nothing wrong with that.
Also, those who need to be sexually validated by others are going to have a wandering eye much more than those who don't >>> narcissism. If you're not looking around to see who's hot/who's not, then you're less likely to be fantasizing about others besides your GF/BF. So yes, those thoughts are therefore are quite frankly much in your control. OP said he USED to find his gf attractive, but not anymore. Oh-oh. Does that not worry you? I used to think Santa was real too. The past doesn't matter much; if he doesn't find her attractive now that explains why he lusts about other girls and whilst I'm not saying he will definitely cheat; I'm not saying he will definitely not cheat either. It's 50:50, but factors such as not finding your gf attractive and THUS finding yourself fantasizing about someone else does well to explain why his ability to cheat could increase from 50%... Inb4 ppl misread this and say I basically said OP will cheat or whatever; I didn't - 'could' is very different from 'would'.
And you know it's wrong, otherwise you wouldn't be in need of using 'anon' function.
Regarding my boyfriend, there's a thing called PM. But what you're kinda hinted at is that my boyfriend has lied because he is scared of consequences. I'll be damned. What if I say (and I'm true to my word) that I wouldn't dump him now if he lied. Go ahead and ask him all you like.