Want a girlfriend but have no idea what to do...

I feel a bit embarrassed about admitting this, but at the age of 19, I haven’t been in any form of relationship; not even held hands with or kissed another girl.

Firstly, I’d like to explain the background as to why I’ve always found socialising with other people slightly harder than normal. I have Asperger’s Syndrome, which makes some social situations and things related to other people such as body language and emotion slightly confusing. To put it figuratively, I struggle to understand what other people are thinking and what makes them ‘tick’. Up until 6th Form, I was quite isolated and didn’t really have friends; but at that time, I liked being on my own because I found others confusing. Then, I started to grow in confidence and build up a good group of friends, even to the point where I was invited to things.

I am now in my first year of University, and I feel like I have continued to flourish. Things could not be much better; I regularly go out on socials with my societies, I am averaging a high 2:1 on my course so far (with the hope of building this up to a 1st at the end of the year; I know the first year doesn’t count but I always set myself high goals!), and have recently been elected as a committee member of the Badminton club, where I have met many new people and made plenty of friends.

Despite all this, I feel as if one thing is missing. All around me, my friends and other people I know are either already in relationships or are coupling up. Then there is me who has always been single. Now I am more exposed to friendship, it does make me feel lonely.

Trying to establish a bond in a friendship sort of way is scary for me, but now I can easily do it. A relationship meanwhile, is something I’ve never really done before, so I feel incredibly new to the concept of ‘wooing’ someone. I did meet a girl in the first week that I really liked after getting to know her, and I asked her out for coffee after talking for another week or so. This was by the way, the first time I had ever asked someone out; I still do not know how I gained the bottle to do it! That went really well, and we stayed in touch. I tried to arrange something again, but nothing else happened; that was that. We’re still friends, which makes things a little better.

Pretty much the same thing happened with the only other girl I had the courage to ask out. This was about a month ago; the initial date went well then after that, things fizzled out again. I just don’t really know what to do to establish a bond that is more than ‘just friends’. Even though I really liked them both, I was too scared to say directly to their faces that I had feelings for them. This is also where the Asperger’s comes into the equation. I don’t get what makes a relationship a relationship, and other unwritten social rules which to me are mainly a mystery. Some of the time, I feel like I am inferior to everyone around me, and that my condition makes me come across as anxious and weird.

When I go to a nightclub, most of the time I see people kissing, and then go home with that person. To me, I just find that and the whole one night stand thing objectifying; I don’t want to do that. I see clubs as a way to interact with other people and dance! It can’t just be me who has that view.

Now that I am more socially able, I feel ready and would love to share a relationship-type bond with someone. There have been times I have actively pursued it as I have mentioned above, and also I’ve put it to one side for a while and tried not to think about it. But now it feels irritating to see other people appear to do this so easily. I want to get to know the other person, and feel like we can be open with each other. Basically, I would love to find a person who understands me for who I am and has a mutual sense of affection for me, but do not really know how to go about it.

Sorry for the long read(!), but it was good to get this off my chest and seek some advice.