Advice on a weird situation

Be warned! Really long and complicated situation but definite rep for helpful advice! :frown:

Ok, well i met this guy Tom ages ago when i was about 14, we were friends a little bit but eventually stopped talking. Anyway, my friend Lucy and i bumped into him in a club a few years later, now months ago. Well, about a year ago now. It was great to see him and we began meeting more, and he introduced me to Josh.

I got with his friend Josh, and began seeing him, and Lucy got with Tom. Nothing happened with those two, but Josh and i became quite close. However, as i was friends with Tom and had been for years, we saw each other alot, just as friends and all hung around together. Tom became like a brother to me, gave me advice on Josh, we were really close. However, Tom and Josh were really, really close friends.

Josh had a messy situation with his ex, basically she got pregnant and he didnt want a baby it was all a bit messy. I was really confused as to what to do but Tom gave him and i advice and was a friend to both of us. I saw Tom alot, we were just friends it was really cool.

However, Josh's ex with the baby started contacting Tom, telling him Josh said he wants her back, what should she do etc etc - being a good friend to me, he told me this, and basically decieved Josh. There were reasons why Josh was telling her this, its cause she made up that he abused her(SHES A COMPLETE PHYSCO IVE LEARNT), i believe 100% that he didnt, and so to convince her to drop charges he was trying to sweet talk her, which worked.

Anyway i was obviously fuming at this point because i didnt know we he was doing this, and Tom could see it was all affecting me and so went behind Josh's back and did what i asked him to do, phone her and ask her all about it. I was so upset learning that he'd said all this to his ex, after telling me he wanted nothing to do with her. Tom made me swear not to confront Josh about it because he'd done it for me, he didnt wanna loose Josh, as they were in a big group and really good mates.

Then, to make matters worse a few days later, Tom told me he really liked me and always had done. All this was bubbling around in my head, not being able to confront Josh was killing me, but i didnt wanna cause crap. I told Lucy about everything, she was there when Tom was telling me how he felt about me and heard. Anyway she took it above herself to tell HER boyfriend who was close mates of the two. He told Josh and it all came out.

It was nasty. Tom denied EVERYTHING and made me out to be a liar, i guess he saw being friends with Josh and all the group more worthy than just me. Josh did actually believe me, he said he sensed Tom liked me etc etc.
All Josh's other mates believed Tom as they dont really know me, why would they believe me?

Anyway, Tom and Josh fell out, Josh is still talking and seeing me, but never talks to Tom. Josh's mates still talk to Tom, but dont really like me for causing all that. I saw Tom in a club for the first time in AGES we havent spoken in a long time, Josh was there too and Tom said to me he wnats to sort it all out. I really miss Tom, he lives up where im going to be going to uni in september, having him around would be so useful, but he wont admit im hes lying now, because if he did he'd loose everyone he says..

Josh doesnt want me to talk to Tom, he wants him to tell him the truth, but he wont, i just want everything to be sorted, but how can it?!?!

Reply 1

Eau

15

Wow, you seem to be drowning in a deep hole. Just be a good person and never tell lies.

Tom lied, and that's a really bad sign... you should really talk with him about it if you want to get along further. Josh doesn't want you to talk to Tom, which is also a bad sign - there is so much hate in him; you might also talk to him about that.

But if you're fed up, you can just say to yourself: I've got myself! Give yourself some time.

Reply 2

sarahb

Man what a tricky situation! Ok, I would firstly suggest that you have a long heart felt discussion with Tom and try to get him to see that he has lost Josh-a good friend, and if he doesn’t tell the truth he is in danger of loosing another good friend –you. However, from what I can gather he isn’t guna budge easy. So I would then suggest a get together with you, josh tom and the other girl. Make it mature tho, don’t get it into a bithcing match or a ‘you did this’ ‘no you did this’ kinda talk. Your all old enough to accept that everyone makes mistakes. you need to be the facilitator in the discusion tho, help everyone to see each others point of view. with any luck, they will realise that friendships are extrememly important. i mean, it may not work at all, it may cause even a larger debate, but i see no other way than hiting the problem head first, getin it all out, havin a debate, and getin over it. what do u think?

Reply 3

dh00001

16

yes thats quite a complicated mess.
you should talk to tom and try and get him talking to josh again. before doing that you should tell josh that you have no feelings for tom and make sure he knows that aswell (assuming you dont of course)
the only real way for this problem to be remotly sorted is for everyone to talk and tell each other the entire truth, but things may not be "fixed"after all of this
other than that there is very little you can realy do other than leave it alone.

(hope i got all the names the right way round)

Reply 4

OllieA

So if you make friends with Tom, you lose Josh (presumably).
And if you stay faithful to Josh, you'll lose Tom.

So it all depends on who you would rather keep close with.

I'm guessing that by going to Uni you'll move away from Josh, right? And you'll be with Tom. So it might be good to mend relations with Tom, seeing as you'll be spending time with him in the future.

Reply 5

Leisure17

8

Think about which of the two stuck by you when the going got rough. According to your story it was Josh. Tom says he likes you, but he did not stand by your side and did not have the guts to admit that he had made a mistake. If you really meant something to him he shouldn't have done that. He seems friendly and wellmeaning but a bit immature. All this "I'll do this but don't tell" - stuff is fairly childish. How old are you all?
I would not let myself be told who to speak with, so if you want to, you can speak to Tom and maybe straighten things out, but I don't think he is ready for a relationship since his behaviour shows that he will put his own advantage above yours (even though he "likes you").
Why not go to uni and see what happens? How does Josh feel about all that? Is he going to uni too?

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

OP

Leisure17

Think about which of the two stuck by you when the going got rough. According to your story it was Josh. Tom says he likes you, but he did not stand by your side and did not have the guts to admit that he had made a mistake. If you really meant something to him he shouldn't have done that. He seems friendly and wellmeaning but a bit immature. All this "I'll do this but don't tell" - stuff is fairly childish. How old are you all?
I would not let myself be told who to speak with, so if you want to, you can speak to Tom and maybe straighten things out, but I don't think he is ready for a relationship since his behaviour shows that he will put his own advantage above yours (even though he "likes you").
Why not go to uni and see what happens? How does Josh feel about all that? Is he going to uni too?

No Josh isnt going to Uni..

I think your right in some ways, argh its so complicated!

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

OP

OllieA

So if you make friends with Tom, you lose Josh (presumably).
And if you stay faithful to Josh, you'll lose Tom.?

Well, ideally they would sort things out too.

OllieA

So it all depends on who you would rather keep close with.

If i HAD to choose, Josh.

OllieA

I'm guessing that by going to Uni you'll move away from Josh, right? And you'll be with Tom. So it might be good to mend relations with Tom, seeing as you'll be spending time with him in the future.

Yeah, but i don't want to loose Josh, i really don't.

Reply 8

goldfiiisheee

wow. this seems really complicated.
well be honest and tell them both how you feel. if you make the first move and be honest it cant get much worse can it? plus if you take the first step, no one can blame you for not careing or something.
but yes, it is a mess.
golly gosh
good luck :smile:

Reply 9

OllieA

Ok, I would say talk to both Tom and Josh individually - have a real heart to heart, and judge their feelings about each other. Remind them of their previous friendship and how they shouldn't be throwing it away like that.
Then if that goes well, sarahb's suggestion of a group meeting might be good to try.