how to get over being manipulated..
this happened a few years ago but is still affecting my life today, but not as badly as it used to. i went out with my boyfriend and at this time i was having a hard time: i dropped out of uni, worked only 2 days a week so was largely bored and unoccupied during the week, didnt know where my life was going, was being bullied by my bf's ex constantly and had family troubles due to my mother's mental illness. now any bf might either leave their gf in this situation or be supportive, but for some reason the guy i was with decided to turn me into his own experiment and guinea pig..
he would tell me i wasnt normal, that i was "mentally ill", that sorta thing. i ended up going on anti depressants. simple things like his ex shouting "slut" at me down the street would obviously make me upset, and when I would tell him, instead of being supportive he would tell me i was "wrong" to react that way, and that any "Normal" person wouldnt be upset by things like that. now any other person who was stronger than me wouldve told him to f--k off, but i was in a very weak state and obviously easy to manipulate hence why he chose to do it. i endured this for a year and a half until i finally left him and found someone else. but i was still damaged by his words. he would tell me that everyone hated me and that i couldnt make friends because of "the way i am". he would diagnose me, he said I apparently have "paranoid personality disorder"... now, having been to the doctors and to see a psychiatrist many a time, they have repeatedly told me I do not suffer from anything, at a time in my life i was depressed, but i do not have depression (this was the period when we dated, unsurprisingly..).
after i broke up with him he was really hurt by this (i dont really understand why, because if you really did love someone, why would you manipulate them into going on medication etc?) and he decided to take revenge. him and i were able to be friends again (huge mistake) and he continued to manipulate me. he would lie saying my friends had said i was mentally ill, resulting in me asking them about it, causing them to be angry and upset at me for accusing them of saying these things when they obviously hadnt, but i believed he had no reason to lie and that they mustve. so i drove my friends away. i didnt have the capacity to realise he was lying and that yes of course people who claim to "love" you will lie to you. his constant calling me mentally ill and saying everyone hated me became a self fulfilling prophecy: i ruined all my friendships and my new relationships and was left alone with no one, whilst he smiled and knew his plan had worked and he couldnt be blamed for it because id done it all myself.
now that ive not spoken to him (but he still hangs about with my, now ex, friends and no doubt continues to make me look bad to them and continues to ruin my life) i still feel that somehow i question people and myself, i think if my reactions to people being nasty, say calling me ugly or whatever, if that making me sad is an "abnormal" response. i still question if im 'sane' sometimes, when i feel down.
im trying to move on with my life and change my thinking process but i feel he still effects it. ive been to counseling etc and it has helped.but i worry the labels he applied to me wont ever be removed :/
he would tell me i wasnt normal, that i was "mentally ill", that sorta thing. i ended up going on anti depressants. simple things like his ex shouting "slut" at me down the street would obviously make me upset, and when I would tell him, instead of being supportive he would tell me i was "wrong" to react that way, and that any "Normal" person wouldnt be upset by things like that. now any other person who was stronger than me wouldve told him to f--k off, but i was in a very weak state and obviously easy to manipulate hence why he chose to do it. i endured this for a year and a half until i finally left him and found someone else. but i was still damaged by his words. he would tell me that everyone hated me and that i couldnt make friends because of "the way i am". he would diagnose me, he said I apparently have "paranoid personality disorder"... now, having been to the doctors and to see a psychiatrist many a time, they have repeatedly told me I do not suffer from anything, at a time in my life i was depressed, but i do not have depression (this was the period when we dated, unsurprisingly..).
after i broke up with him he was really hurt by this (i dont really understand why, because if you really did love someone, why would you manipulate them into going on medication etc?) and he decided to take revenge. him and i were able to be friends again (huge mistake) and he continued to manipulate me. he would lie saying my friends had said i was mentally ill, resulting in me asking them about it, causing them to be angry and upset at me for accusing them of saying these things when they obviously hadnt, but i believed he had no reason to lie and that they mustve. so i drove my friends away. i didnt have the capacity to realise he was lying and that yes of course people who claim to "love" you will lie to you. his constant calling me mentally ill and saying everyone hated me became a self fulfilling prophecy: i ruined all my friendships and my new relationships and was left alone with no one, whilst he smiled and knew his plan had worked and he couldnt be blamed for it because id done it all myself.
now that ive not spoken to him (but he still hangs about with my, now ex, friends and no doubt continues to make me look bad to them and continues to ruin my life) i still feel that somehow i question people and myself, i think if my reactions to people being nasty, say calling me ugly or whatever, if that making me sad is an "abnormal" response. i still question if im 'sane' sometimes, when i feel down.
im trying to move on with my life and change my thinking process but i feel he still effects it. ive been to counseling etc and it has helped.but i worry the labels he applied to me wont ever be removed :/
It takes time. Sometimes, we just have to see through our own eyes that not everyone was like that. Having supportive friends, family and perhaps a new partner goes a long way to helping. Glad the counselling is helping you though.
My ex got completely inside my head, telling me many of the same things yours told you. I even gave him a considerable amount of money while I was struggling which clearly he now won't give me back. These pitiful excuses for men aren't worth our time. You ARE sane, and feeling sad is completely normal. His emotional suppression in the past has made you feel otherwise.
I hope things get better for you anyway x
My ex got completely inside my head, telling me many of the same things yours told you. I even gave him a considerable amount of money while I was struggling which clearly he now won't give me back. These pitiful excuses for men aren't worth our time. You ARE sane, and feeling sad is completely normal. His emotional suppression in the past has made you feel otherwise.
I hope things get better for you anyway x
He sounds very disturbed... Often the things people accuse others of are true in themselves. The hypocrisy is mind boggling, but I think usually they are genuinely unaware.
He liked putting you down, having control over you and keeping you beneath him as someone who would always be there for him and only him: which is why he was upset when you finally broke free. It's not healthy to be this way. His ex gf was clearly also a volatile kind of person to be showering you in so much abuse.
This kind of long term emotional abuse will take its toll on anyone, it sounds as though you're doing remarkably well really. It is painful knowing that there is a group of people out there thinking things about you that are not true, the only thing you can do is distance yourself from it as much as possible and concentrate on your real life. If you have any decent friends, or family that is free to spend time with you, then talk to them and be reassured that they like you for who you are. What he or anyone else that doesn't know you properly thinks doesn't matter one bit.
Try to think about all your achievments - don't discount even the smallest thing. It sounds stupid, but even write a list (even if it feels stupid, I find a lot of simple things effective). Getting your job, being complimented by your boss/colleagues, being there for family or a friend when they needed you, having the strength to leave your boyfriend, cooking a nice meal. Going on a walk or exercising does wonders for our sense of well-belling also.
You are an independent, capable, good person.
Hopefully over time you will heal fully, good luck.
He liked putting you down, having control over you and keeping you beneath him as someone who would always be there for him and only him: which is why he was upset when you finally broke free. It's not healthy to be this way. His ex gf was clearly also a volatile kind of person to be showering you in so much abuse.
This kind of long term emotional abuse will take its toll on anyone, it sounds as though you're doing remarkably well really. It is painful knowing that there is a group of people out there thinking things about you that are not true, the only thing you can do is distance yourself from it as much as possible and concentrate on your real life. If you have any decent friends, or family that is free to spend time with you, then talk to them and be reassured that they like you for who you are. What he or anyone else that doesn't know you properly thinks doesn't matter one bit.
Try to think about all your achievments - don't discount even the smallest thing. It sounds stupid, but even write a list (even if it feels stupid, I find a lot of simple things effective). Getting your job, being complimented by your boss/colleagues, being there for family or a friend when they needed you, having the strength to leave your boyfriend, cooking a nice meal. Going on a walk or exercising does wonders for our sense of well-belling also.
You are an independent, capable, good person.
Hopefully over time you will heal fully, good luck.
Original post by Ribbits
He sounds very disturbed... Often the things people accuse others of are true in themselves. The hypocrisy is mind boggling, but I think usually they are genuinely unaware.
He liked putting you down, having control over you and keeping you beneath him as someone who would always be there for him and only him: which is why he was upset when you finally broke free. It's not healthy to be this way. His ex gf was clearly also a volatile kind of person to be showering you in so much abuse.
This kind of long term emotional abuse will take its toll on anyone, it sounds as though you're doing remarkably well really. It is painful knowing that there is a group of people out there thinking things about you that are not true, the only thing you can do is distance yourself from it as much as possible and concentrate on your real life. If you have any decent friends, or family that is free to spend time with you, then talk to them and be reassured that they like you for who you are. What he or anyone else that doesn't know you properly thinks doesn't matter one bit.
Try to think about all your achievments - don't discount even the smallest thing. It sounds stupid, but even write a list (even if it feels stupid, I find a lot of simple things effective). Getting your job, being complimented by your boss/colleagues, being there for family or a friend when they needed you, having the strength to leave your boyfriend, cooking a nice meal. Going on a walk or exercising does wonders for our sense of well-belling also.
You are an independent, capable, good person.
Hopefully over time you will heal fully, good luck.
He liked putting you down, having control over you and keeping you beneath him as someone who would always be there for him and only him: which is why he was upset when you finally broke free. It's not healthy to be this way. His ex gf was clearly also a volatile kind of person to be showering you in so much abuse.
This kind of long term emotional abuse will take its toll on anyone, it sounds as though you're doing remarkably well really. It is painful knowing that there is a group of people out there thinking things about you that are not true, the only thing you can do is distance yourself from it as much as possible and concentrate on your real life. If you have any decent friends, or family that is free to spend time with you, then talk to them and be reassured that they like you for who you are. What he or anyone else that doesn't know you properly thinks doesn't matter one bit.
Try to think about all your achievments - don't discount even the smallest thing. It sounds stupid, but even write a list (even if it feels stupid, I find a lot of simple things effective). Getting your job, being complimented by your boss/colleagues, being there for family or a friend when they needed you, having the strength to leave your boyfriend, cooking a nice meal. Going on a walk or exercising does wonders for our sense of well-belling also.
You are an independent, capable, good person.
Hopefully over time you will heal fully, good luck.
thank you for your replies. yeah, he may sound horrible in black and white to a stranger, but to everyone who knows him he is a 'normal' 'sane' guy, because i suppose manipulators can be anyone really. they hide behind a mask knowing that no one can really overcome them. i have come very far in life and have much further to go, and to me that in itself will be a massive fxck you to him, because i think me finally leaving him gave him a blow he wasnt prepared for and he has spent all the time since dating anyone he can in an attempt to have the same relationship he had with me, but he hasnt found that and it kinda makes me happy to think that he will continue to search for that for the rest of his life but will never get it because i wont ever go back to him. whereas im searching for something a lot better of course! its just a small town and everyone seems to kinda gang up on you.. having a few people turned against you seems like the whole world. but in time i will no doubt be able to move away and make a new place my home and it will be a fresh start.
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