Stressed...about potential marriage to a cousin
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It is unreasonable for people to expect you to go along with a thing like that.
It may be culturally common, but it is still unreasonable.
You could find someone you yourself want to marry here.
It may be culturally common, but it is still unreasonable.
You could find someone you yourself want to marry here.
Original post by Anonymous
so im 27 years of age and getting to that stage where in the pakistani culture, i should be married off and having the stable marital life that my siblings have.
i dont. not yet yet anyway. im in a dilemma about going ahead with what my parents would like by marrying my first cousin from pakistan. she is a nice girl and would look after my parents well and she's polite etc. but i don't feel any attraction to her. i'm a man and i need to feel attraction to a woman and then get to know them etc.
my family members feel i should marry her as they feel she is right for me. and also my mother's disabled and they feel she would be able to handle that responsilbiltiy.
ive got myself a job that im two months into and not sure i can handle the stress of self doubt of trying to make sure to hold onto that job and sorting this marriage stuff out.
also i don't think i can handle the pressure of bringing her over as the visa rules have been changed (have to be earning 18k a year or savings of 60k?) and my job history suggests i might not be able to stick to the job ive got but hopefully i do just for my own confidence.
im a very shy person and havent had relationships with girls and hence i dont have many options in the uk so this girl from pakistan seems the only one but expressing my reason for not wanting to marry her, i.e attraction, is difficult to express to traditional pakistani parents as its not a good enough reason potentially.
advice appreciated people
i dont. not yet yet anyway. im in a dilemma about going ahead with what my parents would like by marrying my first cousin from pakistan. she is a nice girl and would look after my parents well and she's polite etc. but i don't feel any attraction to her. i'm a man and i need to feel attraction to a woman and then get to know them etc.
my family members feel i should marry her as they feel she is right for me. and also my mother's disabled and they feel she would be able to handle that responsilbiltiy.
ive got myself a job that im two months into and not sure i can handle the stress of self doubt of trying to make sure to hold onto that job and sorting this marriage stuff out.
also i don't think i can handle the pressure of bringing her over as the visa rules have been changed (have to be earning 18k a year or savings of 60k?) and my job history suggests i might not be able to stick to the job ive got but hopefully i do just for my own confidence.
im a very shy person and havent had relationships with girls and hence i dont have many options in the uk so this girl from pakistan seems the only one but expressing my reason for not wanting to marry her, i.e attraction, is difficult to express to traditional pakistani parents as its not a good enough reason potentially.
advice appreciated people
Do you have the freedom to say no here? I mean, it's easy for us to say "say no!" but is that a realistic option for you?
If so, I'd say - "say no". Personally I'd rather remain unmarried until death than marry someone for the sake of it - marriage isn't something you have to go through in life, it's something people choose to do because they've met the person they want to spend the rest of their life with. You don't have to opt into spending your life with somebody out of default.
Also, sorry to hear your mum is disabled, but your choice of who YOU want to spend YOUR life with should be based upon your wants/needs/desires. I don't know about your beliefs, but I believe you get one shot at life - live your life for you, not for your parents. Yes, you can still help them financially/otherwise with whoever you marry if that is important to you, but it shouldn't be the cornerstone of your decision of who you marry.
Plus, first cousins is pretty close in ye olde gene-pool, not guaranteed, but could spell trouble for any offspring.
Original post by Anonymous
Not a concern in the sense that if it did occur, i could just about handle it because ive seen my sibling having to deal with it and she deals with it well. you've lost respect for me because i said a potential child having disabilities is not a major concern. baffled.
Because it's not just your burden - bringing a child into this world with a higher probability of being disabled will affect the childs whole life, more than yours. Especially when adopting or not having children with a close relative could significantly reduce the odds of this.
Nobody should be brought into the world to suffer.
When you first said it wasn't a concern I thought you meant the odds were low - which was okay, but to say you don't mind having a relationship with a significantly increased chance of a disabled child because you can "handle it" - that is mental.
I'm not saying disabled people don't deserve equal rights or ANYTHING like that, of course they do, and the best standard of life possible, but people almost knowingly having children with a high likelihood of being disabled is dubious at best.
he practice of marrying cousins is disgusting, couldn't imagine seeing my own cousin in such a way.
Firstly, that's not legal in the UK.
Secondly, birth defects.
Thirdly, you're probably going to live till you're what, 80? Do you want to spend the next 50 years of your life married to someone who you don't love? Who you're not sexually attracted to?
Secondly, birth defects.
Thirdly, you're probably going to live till you're what, 80? Do you want to spend the next 50 years of your life married to someone who you don't love? Who you're not sexually attracted to?
(edited 10 years ago)
Can't you ask to be hooked up with someonef from here? Say you can't relate to your cousin
Look at it this way: you wouldn't marry her if your family weren't forcing you to. With that in mind, I don't think you should do it. It's not the decision you want, so find the strength to tell your family no. You're 27 and old enough to tell your parents to get stuffed if they want you to marry someone you're not even attracted to.
Original post by Shadow-X
what birth defect and why would that happen
There is A LOT of disabilities within that community - my mum used to be a social worker and almost all the disabled or mentally ill children she had to deal with were within that community.
It is because marrying your close family, eg first cousins, causes genetic problems.
Best thing op, in a nice way say no.
You say your mum is disabled. Was she the child of two cousins getting married? Try to explain to her what will happen to your child or say that you can find others to care for her and you can't go through it. Say you will not love her and will feel very bad and very unsettled.
If you really want to convince your parents, show pictures of child birth defects.
And if you're earning enough, say NO and if they try and force you maybe you can go and live by yourself. If will hurt your parents initially but they will soon realize it is your life and you shouldn't be miserable for the rest of it. I'm sure you will find a girl you like later on.
And marineaim is annoying and ignorant as ****.
If you really want to convince your parents, show pictures of child birth defects.
And if you're earning enough, say NO and if they try and force you maybe you can go and live by yourself. If will hurt your parents initially but they will soon realize it is your life and you shouldn't be miserable for the rest of it. I'm sure you will find a girl you like later on.
And marineaim is annoying and ignorant as ****.
Original post by sue911
Oh dear... I knew a friend who almost got into an arranged marriage and hated it (she got out of it, thankfully). So from secondhand experience this rings out 'bad idea, bad idea'.
Maybe this situation of yours is different though, your parents are not trying to force you to, I hope? If they are suggesting it and you really do not want it, it's best to make it clear to them, but in a respectful way. No one can really force you to do something you don't want to, unless someones's in an abusive familial/ romantic/ platonic relationship. (slightly unrelated note: if your relationship with parents is borderline abusive however, I hope you gather courage to seek help and confide in others. Confiding in forums can be a start too: http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/forumdisplay.php?f=755 )
Though it may be hard, the alternative of actually marrying a girl you have no attraction for will only bring misery and injustice to both of you. Explaining that to your parents would hopefully let them see that your life requires your choices, that them making decisions for you will eventually breed contempt between your relationship with them.
In terms of other options, the tougher part will be conquering shyness and getting out there to meet people. Unfortunately this is something you'd have to slowly face, maybe with the help of friends? Maybe joining pakistani societies or international society groups will help you meet people that can share more common experiences with you? There are more who feel fish out of water than you think, and from what I hear, uk has many foreign people flying over.
Best of luck and courage~
Maybe this situation of yours is different though, your parents are not trying to force you to, I hope? If they are suggesting it and you really do not want it, it's best to make it clear to them, but in a respectful way. No one can really force you to do something you don't want to, unless someones's in an abusive familial/ romantic/ platonic relationship. (slightly unrelated note: if your relationship with parents is borderline abusive however, I hope you gather courage to seek help and confide in others. Confiding in forums can be a start too: http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/forumdisplay.php?f=755 )
Though it may be hard, the alternative of actually marrying a girl you have no attraction for will only bring misery and injustice to both of you. Explaining that to your parents would hopefully let them see that your life requires your choices, that them making decisions for you will eventually breed contempt between your relationship with them.
In terms of other options, the tougher part will be conquering shyness and getting out there to meet people. Unfortunately this is something you'd have to slowly face, maybe with the help of friends? Maybe joining pakistani societies or international society groups will help you meet people that can share more common experiences with you? There are more who feel fish out of water than you think, and from what I hear, uk has many foreign people flying over.
Best of luck and courage~
they are not trying to force me in the slightest. they really would like me to go ahead and marry this girl. because of my mum's disability, she hasn't been able to go out and about and mingle with friends etc and find any potential UK options so its been hard for her. at least if there was a viable UK option then my parents might not be as fussy and/or id found someone at university which I tried to do but sadly, being shy, indecisive and nervous didn't help. just out of interest, I received a FB message from a mutual friend of a mate of mine who enquiried if I was single and looking for marriage. I said yes to both. She had someone who she worked with in mind. Great I thought. Sadly, she turned out to be 34 so I politely declined. She has though given me an e-mail address to get to know a girl who is 27, and works with her atm. so I will nervously give that a try to see how it pans out.
my mother tongue is woeful compared to my english so its difficult to sit down and explain that "ya know what folks, i ain't attracted to her" because they'll go on about how it was different for us etc. if i had a uk woman in mind, they would be cool with it i think but because i don't they sort of feel "well he hasn't got a viable reason for saying no so his siblings must be telling him not to say yes"
thank you for your words, appreciated.
just to clarify, Im not going into this potential marriage thinking if we have a disabled kid, ill handle it. im saying that IF it happened, then I, like anyone else, would try to deal with it the best I can. Although what I don’t want is to marry her and we had a disabled kid (IF we did) and me feeling anger towards my parents, kinda looking at them and saying “look, this is whats happened!”. if anyone understands my meaning?
Original post by Anonymous
they are not trying to force me in the slightest. they really would like me to go ahead and marry this girl. because of my mum's disability, she hasn't been able to go out and about and mingle with friends etc and find any potential UK options so its been hard for her. at least if there was a viable UK option then my parents might not be as fussy and/or id found someone at university which I tried to do but sadly, being shy, indecisive and nervous didn't help. just out of interest, I received a FB message from a mutual friend of a mate of mine who enquiried if I was single and looking for marriage. I said yes to both. She had someone who she worked with in mind. Great I thought. Sadly, she turned out to be 34 so I politely declined. She has though given me an e-mail address to get to know a girl who is 27, and works with her atm. so I will nervously give that a try to see how it pans out.
my mother tongue is woeful compared to my english so its difficult to sit down and explain that "ya know what folks, i ain't attracted to her" because they'll go on about how it was different for us etc. if i had a uk woman in mind, they would be cool with it i think but because i don't they sort of feel "well he hasn't got a viable reason for saying no so his siblings must be telling him not to say yes"
thank you for your words, appreciated.
just to clarify, Im not going into this potential marriage thinking if we have a disabled kid, ill handle it. im saying that IF it happened, then I, like anyone else, would try to deal with it the best I can. Although what I don’t want is to marry her and we had a disabled kid (IF we did) and me feeling anger towards my parents, kinda looking at them and saying “look, this is whats happened!”. if anyone understands my meaning?
my mother tongue is woeful compared to my english so its difficult to sit down and explain that "ya know what folks, i ain't attracted to her" because they'll go on about how it was different for us etc. if i had a uk woman in mind, they would be cool with it i think but because i don't they sort of feel "well he hasn't got a viable reason for saying no so his siblings must be telling him not to say yes"
thank you for your words, appreciated.
just to clarify, Im not going into this potential marriage thinking if we have a disabled kid, ill handle it. im saying that IF it happened, then I, like anyone else, would try to deal with it the best I can. Although what I don’t want is to marry her and we had a disabled kid (IF we did) and me feeling anger towards my parents, kinda looking at them and saying “look, this is whats happened!”. if anyone understands my meaning?
What's wrong with 34? That's not much older than you...
And I do get what you're trying to clarify, but lets look at the facts:
1. You don't like your cousin in that way
2. The probability of disabled offspring is infinitely higher than if you didn't marry a relative
3. Your mum is disabled so, if anyone, she should understand how hard it is - aka, not encourage you to knowingly inflict the same upon another
What possible reasons would you have for marrying your cousin?
Beauty fades, Character Stays regardless.
If she is a good women and can look after your mother, she will be a great mother, I believe Allah swt grants us love AFTER he has blessed us, and I'm pretty sure watching that woman produce your offspring and look after you and your family will give you better satisfaction in your long life together, then a women whom you find sexually a turn on now.
I think you should get to know your cousin more and talk to her and establish a friendship.
If she is a good women and can look after your mother, she will be a great mother, I believe Allah swt grants us love AFTER he has blessed us, and I'm pretty sure watching that woman produce your offspring and look after you and your family will give you better satisfaction in your long life together, then a women whom you find sexually a turn on now.
I think you should get to know your cousin more and talk to her and establish a friendship.
It's your life dude..if you don't want to marry your cousin then no one can force you because a forced marriage is invalid in Islam.
That being said, if you already have a girl in your mind then your parents won't find the need to suggest you marrying your cousin but because you're shy, may lack the social skills of finding someone and you're getting older your parents are going to be arranging the marriage. Anyway no harm in getting to know your cousin..you may like her but if you have already made up your mind about not wanting to marry her then you don't have to.
That being said, if you already have a girl in your mind then your parents won't find the need to suggest you marrying your cousin but because you're shy, may lack the social skills of finding someone and you're getting older your parents are going to be arranging the marriage. Anyway no harm in getting to know your cousin..you may like her but if you have already made up your mind about not wanting to marry her then you don't have to.
When you say your sibling deals with it do you mean they have a child with a genetic abnormality as a result of cousin marriage. Dunno what to suggest other than to find a pakistani girl of your own to replace your cousin.
Also Allah hde doesn't condemn or condone cousin marriage it is a cultural thing not a religious one.
Original post by odkfn
3. Your mum is disabled so, if anyone, she should understand how hard it is - aka, not encourage you to knowingly inflict the same upon another
What possible reasons would you have for marrying your cousin?
3. Your mum is disabled so, if anyone, she should understand how hard it is - aka, not encourage you to knowingly inflict the same upon another
What possible reasons would you have for marrying your cousin?
just to clarify, my mum hasnt been disabled all her life just since 2011 after an operation. i guess she will be able to look after my mum properly, and my parents would be happy but again, not sure i would able to put my full enthusiasm in it if i wasnt truly happy inside.
Original post by RosyPearl
It's your life dude..if you don't want to marry your cousin then no one can force you because a forced marriage is invalid in Islam.
That being said, if you already have a girl in your mind then your parents won't find the need to suggest you marrying your cousin but because you're shy, may lack the social skills of finding someone and you're getting older your parents are going to be arranging the marriage. Anyway no harm in getting to know your cousin..you may like her but if you have already made up your mind about not wanting to marry her then you don't have to.
That being said, if you already have a girl in your mind then your parents won't find the need to suggest you marrying your cousin but because you're shy, may lack the social skills of finding someone and you're getting older your parents are going to be arranging the marriage. Anyway no harm in getting to know your cousin..you may like her but if you have already made up your mind about not wanting to marry her then you don't have to.
Yes, ive thought about doing an istikhara and if that gave me feeling that i should do it then i would. im indecisive in general so even if that said out loud in big letters that i should i wouldnt be sure lol
How about you explain to your parents that marrying your cousin is not a go-er, for three reasons:
- the close genetics problem;
- the immigration issue; and
- the fact that you know her but do not feel particularly attracted to her.
But agree with your parents that you are not averse to marriage, and ask them whether they could make some enquiries within their own circles in the English Pakistani community, with a view to you meeting some more females who are looking for marriage at this time. That will deal with both the first issues above, with only the 'attraction' issue still to be addressed. If things turn out well, maybe your parents enquiries will turn up somebody who you feel attraction for as well.
- the close genetics problem;
- the immigration issue; and
- the fact that you know her but do not feel particularly attracted to her.
But agree with your parents that you are not averse to marriage, and ask them whether they could make some enquiries within their own circles in the English Pakistani community, with a view to you meeting some more females who are looking for marriage at this time. That will deal with both the first issues above, with only the 'attraction' issue still to be addressed. If things turn out well, maybe your parents enquiries will turn up somebody who you feel attraction for as well.
Original post by marinaim
It is your life and no one is forcing you- you do have a right to say no. Yes it may be difficult, but there's no use messing yourself up..
Posted from TSR Mobile
Posted from TSR Mobile
wel u clearly dont know what indian and pakistani parents are like.. lol only english kids can choose what they want to do..
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