I'm pregnant- what would you do?
I found out almost two weeks ago that I was pregnant unexpectedly. I've almost finished my first year of university and me and my boyfriend have been living together and dating for six months.
At first I was quite sure I wanted to continue with the pregnancy- being a mother has always been the ultimate aim for me and I'm training to be a primary school teacher.
Because of this, I ended up telling a few people. Firstly my nan (not planned, we were already on the phone and I just wanted to confide). A day or two later I told my mum. I thought this would be a good idea as I was about to come home for Easter and didn't want to harbour a big secret, and secondly because she had me at 20 I thought she'd be understanding. One of my lecturers also found out as I was ill in a seminar and she got worried.
My boyfriend has told me that he's not in a position to raise a child, and that he doesn't love anybody enough to lose all of his ambitions and plans. He explained that he didn't want me to have a termination because of him, but if I decided to continue the pregnancy I wouldn't have support from him or his family. He said that he knows a termination would be hard, but he'd attend every appointment and stay with me afterwards to look after me. We had a lot of plans for the summer, not to mention a very intense relationship and neither of us want the relationship to end.
After listening to the reasons my boyfriend gave, I've started to reconsider. I have big plans too, I know that people don't regret their children but I see all the things my parents missed out on that other people didn't. I want to work abroad and travel and go to festivals etc while I can. My parents offered to support me with whatever I do but I get the idea that my mum would really like me to continue the pregnancy.
The fact that my boyfriend wouldn't support me has massively angered my parents who have tried to stop me from seeing him (though we live ten miles apart). When I mentioned that I had a consultation for an abortion next week and that he was coming, my mum became very angry and upset and told me that if he went, I wouldn't be allowed back into the house. She sees the fact that I'm still talking to him as me being stupid and doing what he wants because he's emotionally blackmailing me about either having a termination or breaking up. He's from quite a rich, respectable family and my mum sees their lack of support and contact with me as proof that they don't care about me, instead that they're trying to get their son out of a hard situation so he can marry a rich girl in a few years.
My home situation has become very difficult. My mum has said that I've ruined her relationship with my nan because my nan didn't tell her anything, that I've wrecked her birthday and that she doesn't understand where she went wrong with me.
I feel very very low and depressed because I can't seem to please anybody and I still can't make a decision.
What would you do?
At first I was quite sure I wanted to continue with the pregnancy- being a mother has always been the ultimate aim for me and I'm training to be a primary school teacher.
Because of this, I ended up telling a few people. Firstly my nan (not planned, we were already on the phone and I just wanted to confide). A day or two later I told my mum. I thought this would be a good idea as I was about to come home for Easter and didn't want to harbour a big secret, and secondly because she had me at 20 I thought she'd be understanding. One of my lecturers also found out as I was ill in a seminar and she got worried.
My boyfriend has told me that he's not in a position to raise a child, and that he doesn't love anybody enough to lose all of his ambitions and plans. He explained that he didn't want me to have a termination because of him, but if I decided to continue the pregnancy I wouldn't have support from him or his family. He said that he knows a termination would be hard, but he'd attend every appointment and stay with me afterwards to look after me. We had a lot of plans for the summer, not to mention a very intense relationship and neither of us want the relationship to end.
After listening to the reasons my boyfriend gave, I've started to reconsider. I have big plans too, I know that people don't regret their children but I see all the things my parents missed out on that other people didn't. I want to work abroad and travel and go to festivals etc while I can. My parents offered to support me with whatever I do but I get the idea that my mum would really like me to continue the pregnancy.
The fact that my boyfriend wouldn't support me has massively angered my parents who have tried to stop me from seeing him (though we live ten miles apart). When I mentioned that I had a consultation for an abortion next week and that he was coming, my mum became very angry and upset and told me that if he went, I wouldn't be allowed back into the house. She sees the fact that I'm still talking to him as me being stupid and doing what he wants because he's emotionally blackmailing me about either having a termination or breaking up. He's from quite a rich, respectable family and my mum sees their lack of support and contact with me as proof that they don't care about me, instead that they're trying to get their son out of a hard situation so he can marry a rich girl in a few years.
My home situation has become very difficult. My mum has said that I've ruined her relationship with my nan because my nan didn't tell her anything, that I've wrecked her birthday and that she doesn't understand where she went wrong with me.
I feel very very low and depressed because I can't seem to please anybody and I still can't make a decision.
What would you do?
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Forget what everyone else has said to you. What do YOU want. That's the choice you'll have to live with.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Posted from TSR Mobile
Yeah as above. Ultimately it is only your choice, not your mums, nans or bfs.
That said, bf is well within his rights not want a kid as a fresher, and yes you would miss out on a lot. If you want it go ahead but you need to consider everything while ignoring everyone basically. Hard, but that's life I guess.
Posted from TSR Mobile
That said, bf is well within his rights not want a kid as a fresher, and yes you would miss out on a lot. If you want it go ahead but you need to consider everything while ignoring everyone basically. Hard, but that's life I guess.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Ps. Plenty of people do regret their children.. Just FYI. It's not all unicorns and rainbows
Pps. That wasn't meant to be patronising btw!
Posted from TSR Mobile
Pps. That wasn't meant to be patronising btw!
Posted from TSR Mobile
I should add that I just haven't made a decision yet. I'm changing my mind almost every day, so outside perspectives may be helpful. I'm not going to base my decision on what someone else has said though
Aw this sounds awful, poor you 
the biggest issue I see here (other than the obvious pregnancy) is that your boyfriend has told you he wouldn't support you should you choose to keep it. That is absolutely despicable and he should be ashamed of himself! You say you have an intense relationship that neither of you want to end, but if you had his child, he'd be happy to end it there? I cannot believe you are standing for that, personally, that's such inexcusable behaviour and you deserve so so much better than that. It takes two to make a child and even if he doesn't want it the very LEAST he can do is claim responsibility and give his support. If that were said to me, regardless of whether I wanted the child, I don't think I could stay with him. He really just doesn't sound like a good guy. I'd really reconsider whether you want to stay with this guy... how much can he really care about you if he'd abandon you with his child and wash his hands of any responsibility for either of you? Also, six months in the grand scheme of things is really not that long to know someone and it's possible that there's this side of him you don't really know well enough yet!
As for your home life being difficult, that's understandable, it's stressful for your parents too. That'll most likely blow over!
I think you need to think very carefully about what YOU want, try not to let yourself be influenced by what he or your mum wants. Do you want a baby now, really? Are you prepared to be a single parent and give up a massive chunk of your time/energy/money? You'll most likely have to put your career plans on hold and yes give up a lot of things that most of us only really get to do in youth, like travelling and festivals! But on the flipside, if a baby is what you really want right now and if you don't think you'd be able to abort, keeping it doesn't mean the end of your life, it just means you have to make a lot of sacrifices. But you know all this. Just be selfish and think of what's best for you now. Make sure whatever you decide to do that you have some solid plans in place (e.g finance/uni/childcare sorted if you keep it).
Good luck lovely, I hope it all works out in your favour.
the biggest issue I see here (other than the obvious pregnancy) is that your boyfriend has told you he wouldn't support you should you choose to keep it. That is absolutely despicable and he should be ashamed of himself! You say you have an intense relationship that neither of you want to end, but if you had his child, he'd be happy to end it there? I cannot believe you are standing for that, personally, that's such inexcusable behaviour and you deserve so so much better than that. It takes two to make a child and even if he doesn't want it the very LEAST he can do is claim responsibility and give his support. If that were said to me, regardless of whether I wanted the child, I don't think I could stay with him. He really just doesn't sound like a good guy. I'd really reconsider whether you want to stay with this guy... how much can he really care about you if he'd abandon you with his child and wash his hands of any responsibility for either of you? Also, six months in the grand scheme of things is really not that long to know someone and it's possible that there's this side of him you don't really know well enough yet! As for your home life being difficult, that's understandable, it's stressful for your parents too. That'll most likely blow over!
I think you need to think very carefully about what YOU want, try not to let yourself be influenced by what he or your mum wants. Do you want a baby now, really? Are you prepared to be a single parent and give up a massive chunk of your time/energy/money? You'll most likely have to put your career plans on hold and yes give up a lot of things that most of us only really get to do in youth, like travelling and festivals! But on the flipside, if a baby is what you really want right now and if you don't think you'd be able to abort, keeping it doesn't mean the end of your life, it just means you have to make a lot of sacrifices. But you know all this. Just be selfish and think of what's best for you now. Make sure whatever you decide to do that you have some solid plans in place (e.g finance/uni/childcare sorted if you keep it).
Good luck lovely, I hope it all works out in your favour.
Original post by when she was 22
Aw this sounds awful, poor you the biggest issue I see here (other than the obvious pregnancy) is that your boyfriend has told you he wouldn't support you should you choose to keep it. That is absolutely despicable and he should be ashamed of himself! You say you have an intense relationship that neither of you want to end, but if you had his child, he'd be happy to end it there? I cannot believe you are standing for that, personally, that's such inexcusable behaviour and you deserve so so much better than that. It takes two to make a child and even if he doesn't want it the very LEAST he can do is claim responsibility and give his support. If that were said to me, regardless of whether I wanted the child, I don't think I could stay with him. He really just doesn't sound like a good guy. I'd really reconsider whether you want to stay with this guy... how much can he really care about you if he'd abandon you with his child and wash his hands of any responsibility for either of you? Also, six months in the grand scheme of things is really not that long to know someone and it's possible that there's this side of him you don't really know well enough yet!
As for your home life being difficult, that's understandable, it's stressful for your parents too. That'll most likely blow over!
I think you need to think very carefully about what YOU want, try not to let yourself be influenced by what he or your mum wants. Do you want a baby now, really? Are you prepared to be a single parent and give up a massive chunk of your time/energy/money? You'll most likely have to put your career plans on hold and yes give up a lot of things that most of us only really get to do in youth, like travelling and festivals! But on the flipside, if a baby is what you really want right now and if you don't think you'd be able to abort, keeping it doesn't mean the end of your life, it just means you have to make a lot of sacrifices. But you know all this. Just be selfish and think of what's best for you now. Make sure whatever you decide to do that you have some solid plans in place (e.g finance/uni/childcare sorted if you keep it).
Good luck lovely, I hope it all works out in your favour.
the biggest issue I see here (other than the obvious pregnancy) is that your boyfriend has told you he wouldn't support you should you choose to keep it. That is absolutely despicable and he should be ashamed of himself! You say you have an intense relationship that neither of you want to end, but if you had his child, he'd be happy to end it there? I cannot believe you are standing for that, personally, that's such inexcusable behaviour and you deserve so so much better than that. It takes two to make a child and even if he doesn't want it the very LEAST he can do is claim responsibility and give his support. If that were said to me, regardless of whether I wanted the child, I don't think I could stay with him. He really just doesn't sound like a good guy. I'd really reconsider whether you want to stay with this guy... how much can he really care about you if he'd abandon you with his child and wash his hands of any responsibility for either of you? Also, six months in the grand scheme of things is really not that long to know someone and it's possible that there's this side of him you don't really know well enough yet! As for your home life being difficult, that's understandable, it's stressful for your parents too. That'll most likely blow over!
I think you need to think very carefully about what YOU want, try not to let yourself be influenced by what he or your mum wants. Do you want a baby now, really? Are you prepared to be a single parent and give up a massive chunk of your time/energy/money? You'll most likely have to put your career plans on hold and yes give up a lot of things that most of us only really get to do in youth, like travelling and festivals! But on the flipside, if a baby is what you really want right now and if you don't think you'd be able to abort, keeping it doesn't mean the end of your life, it just means you have to make a lot of sacrifices. But you know all this. Just be selfish and think of what's best for you now. Make sure whatever you decide to do that you have some solid plans in place (e.g finance/uni/childcare sorted if you keep it).
Good luck lovely, I hope it all works out in your favour.
You point out the relationship is only 6 months- exactly. I would not be willing to be a fresher parent in only a 6mo relationship. There's the inevitable compulsory financial support but I would not be up for that and I don't see it as despicable.
Agree with rest of your post, good advice op.
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Original post by when she was 22
Aw this sounds awful, poor you the biggest issue I see here (other than the obvious pregnancy) is that your boyfriend has told you he wouldn't support you should you choose to keep it. That is absolutely despicable and he should be ashamed of himself! You say you have an intense relationship that neither of you want to end, but if you had his child, he'd be happy to end it there? I cannot believe you are standing for that, personally, that's such inexcusable behaviour and you deserve so so much better than that. It takes two to make a child and even if he doesn't want it the very LEAST he can do is claim responsibility and give his support. If that were said to me, regardless of whether I wanted the child, I don't think I could stay with him. He really just doesn't sound like a good guy. I'd really reconsider whether you want to stay with this guy... how much can he really care about you if he'd abandon you with his child and wash his hands of any responsibility for either of you? Also, six months in the grand scheme of things is really not that long to know someone and it's possible that there's this side of him you don't really know well enough yet!
the biggest issue I see here (other than the obvious pregnancy) is that your boyfriend has told you he wouldn't support you should you choose to keep it. That is absolutely despicable and he should be ashamed of himself! You say you have an intense relationship that neither of you want to end, but if you had his child, he'd be happy to end it there? I cannot believe you are standing for that, personally, that's such inexcusable behaviour and you deserve so so much better than that. It takes two to make a child and even if he doesn't want it the very LEAST he can do is claim responsibility and give his support. If that were said to me, regardless of whether I wanted the child, I don't think I could stay with him. He really just doesn't sound like a good guy. I'd really reconsider whether you want to stay with this guy... how much can he really care about you if he'd abandon you with his child and wash his hands of any responsibility for either of you? Also, six months in the grand scheme of things is really not that long to know someone and it's possible that there's this side of him you don't really know well enough yet! I don't see what's wrong with the guy not wanting a child at this stage. After all, if the OP doesn't want the child, she can get an abortion, and everyone would support her, after all "her body, her choice", regardless of the boyfriend's wishes. If the boyfriend doesn't want the child, he can't make that decision, so it seems fair enough if he doesn't want any involvement.
Original post by marinaim
You point out the relationship is only 6 months- exactly. I would not be willing to be a fresher parent in only a 6mo relationship. There's the inevitable compulsory financial support but I would not be up for that and I don't see it as despicable.
Agree with rest of your post, good advice op.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Agree with rest of your post, good advice op.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by Chief Wiggum
I don't see what's wrong with the guy not wanting a child at this stage. After all, if the OP doesn't want the child, she can get an abortion, and everyone would support her, after all "her body, her choice", regardless of the boyfriend's wishes. If the boyfriend doesn't want the child, he can't make that decision, so it seems fair enough if he doesn't want any involvement.
You're right, I wouldn't either after 6 months but it's just the decent thing to do to offer support. I was thinking mostly of financial support in my post though rather than actual involvement with the kid's life. When you have sex you risk pregnancy even with contraception and therefore should be prepared to deal with it should it happen. End of.
I also just find it off that this guy appears to have such strong feelings for her yet wouldn't hesitate to leave if she had a baby.
I'm not going to tell you what I would do or what I think you should do as ultimately it's your decision to make, I don't think anyone has the right to tell you what to do. I would still go to this appointment you have, you will be able to talk over all of your feelings and they will try and guide you and help you make the best decision for YOU, not for anyone else (I wouldn't take your 'boyfriend' either as he will try to sway your decision).
From personal experience I will tell you that abortions are not nice, not only physically but emotionally to. I still have a lot of guilt surrounding mine and quite a lot of the time I still feel like a terrible person for having one.
But then you could say the same about babies, there's pro's and cons to each side, it's just choosing the one that's right for you.
Your boyfriend is a selfish *****, honestly you deserve better.
From personal experience I will tell you that abortions are not nice, not only physically but emotionally to. I still have a lot of guilt surrounding mine and quite a lot of the time I still feel like a terrible person for having one.
But then you could say the same about babies, there's pro's and cons to each side, it's just choosing the one that's right for you.
Your boyfriend is a selfish *****, honestly you deserve better.
Have you considered giving it up for adoption?
what a horrible boyfriend... he should be there to support you, not say that it's your problem to deal with. I would consider your relationship with your boyfriend, as he will clearly not be there for you and your baby (if you decide to have it). It seems that you have a good support system behind you with your family; just don't let someone else influence your choice.
Congrats by the way!!
Congrats by the way!!
Original post by Colletn
I would not abort the baby. If possible, keep it or put it up for adoption. Adoption might be a good option for you because the child would get to live and you could still get to do the things you want. Just a thought Best of luck!
Best of luck!Original post by Sabertooth
Have you considered giving it up for adoption?
If the adoption system were more like it is in America then this is probably something I'd have considered more- I could pre arrange an adoption with a family I'd met.
However, there are so many children in care in this country and I couldn't guarantee this child any real quality of life. Especially when, if I decide to keep this pregnancy, they'd be born into a five bedroomed house and a family earning 90k+ p/a
Original post by when she was 22
You're right, I wouldn't either after 6 months but it's just the decent thing to do to offer support. I was thinking mostly of financial support in my post though rather than actual involvement with the kid's life. When you have sex you risk pregnancy even with contraception and therefore should be prepared to deal with it should it happen. End of.
I also just find it off that this guy appears to have such strong feelings for her yet wouldn't hesitate to leave if she had a baby.
I also just find it off that this guy appears to have such strong feelings for her yet wouldn't hesitate to leave if she had a baby.
True true, but that's why child maintenance exists! Plus if be curious exactly how he said it!
Posted from TSR Mobile
I feel like I have most of my conflicting feelings about this pregnancy because of my boyfriend. We've spent so much time together that I sometimes see him an an extension of me. He's knows everything about me, we've had some of the most incredible times together and we have a connection that I honestly have never found anywhere else.
I know that on paper it doesn't sound like a good relationship does it? Not judging from this situation. My parents are also aware that he kissed my (ex) friend on a night out a few months ago which massively upset me, so they just generally think he isn't a nice person.
It's hard though when all of my hormones are telling me to be near him but I'm probably making things worse for myself by doing that
I know that on paper it doesn't sound like a good relationship does it? Not judging from this situation. My parents are also aware that he kissed my (ex) friend on a night out a few months ago which massively upset me, so they just generally think he isn't a nice person.
It's hard though when all of my hormones are telling me to be near him but I'm probably making things worse for myself by doing that
Original post by Anonymous
If the adoption system were more like it is in America then this is probably something I'd have considered more- I could pre arrange an adoption with a family I'd met.
However, there are so many children in care in this country and I couldn't guarantee this child any real quality of life. Especially when, if I decide to keep this pregnancy, they'd be born into a five bedroomed house and a family earning 90k+ p/a
However, there are so many children in care in this country and I couldn't guarantee this child any real quality of life. Especially when, if I decide to keep this pregnancy, they'd be born into a five bedroomed house and a family earning 90k+ p/a
This is true, but isn't a hard life better than death?
Do you know how many weeks old the baby is?
(edited 10 years ago)
I can see where your boyfriend is coming from but the description makes him sound really dickish. I know what I would do in this situation but all I can really say is this, what do you think would be the best thing for the soon to be foetus? If you're stable enough to raise it alone then having it wouldn't be too bad, but if you're not financially stable or are going to give it up for adoption....
Original post by Colletn
This is true, but isn't a hard life better than death?
Do you know how many weeks old the baby is?
Do you know how many weeks old the baby is?
At the moment the pregnancy would be dated as 5 weeks and 4 days (which means it was conceived 3 weeks and 4 days ago).
I'm very liberal and pro choice but yes, I feel like life over death is generally a good way to go. However, I've got to consider my life too
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