This discussion is now closed.

Check out other Related discussions

Boyfriend no longer wants to have sex - my fault?

I have been going out with my boyfriend for approximately 5 months, we got together just before Christmas. We are both Christians. I suppose it's fair to say we moved pretty quickly, he was touching me within the first week and in February we had sex for the first time (both our first times). It was planned, we discussed it thoroughly beforehand and we both agreed it was ok to have sex before marriage because we are both in a relationship. So it's not like either of us are sleeping around. We've had sex around 10-15 times since.

Fast forward to earlier this month when we both had a quiet week in uni we booked a weekend away somewhere in a hotel for just us two. Just before we were due to go he tells me he needs to talk, obviously when someone says that you get nervous. He told me he had thought about sex before marriage and he no longer agrees with it because he feels it goes against his faith, and that everytime he does it with me he feels guilty because God created sex for married couples.

Although I respected his choice I have to admit I was extremely disappointed especially because he wanted the weekend away so that we could obviously spend quality time together but so that we could have sex without being disturbed (difficult when we're in Uni because my housemates don't like him, and he commutes from home).

Even though we didn't have sex the weekend away went well.. did all the 'couple-y' things without intimacy. I found it difficult sleeping in the same bed knowing that he didn't want sex. He told me he is ok with foreplay, sleeping in the same bed etc but not intercourse. Which I found really hard to take because it sort of contradicts what he said earlier. Plus for me foreplay just makes me want sex more and even though it feels amazing it's disappointing when it doesn't lead onto sex. To him foreplay includes oral and he says that isn't sex when I think it is. We didn't have any sex foreplay or otherwise during our stay.

It's been almost 2 weeks now and I'm finding it really difficult. We went from having sex regularly to having none at all. I didn't realise how big a deal it was until this. I don't feel as close to him as I was before. I need the intimacy of it to feel that I am connected somehow with him. I blame myself for it because I have really low self esteem anyway related to body image so it took a lot for me to even show myself in front of him. And now it's all taken away. I'm not sure if it's normal to feel like this or whether I'm just being really selfish. Please help :frown:

Scroll to see replies

Reply 1

Orthonym

Gah he sounds like my first ex. So he can **** your mouth but it's wrong to have full sexual intercourse because God didn't intend it? What is so holy about the vagina? It's just another part of the human body, just because he doesn't have one doesn't mean it is more special than your mouth. I'm not a Christian anymore but I'm going to talk with you from the Christian point of view because I respect your beliefs. If you believe that your body is a temple and you don't believe in sex before marriage, then the orifice doesn't matter. Oral is like giving, whereas intercourse is a different kind of equal shared intimacy. He feels guilty for sharing that equal intimacy with you because equal intimacy is like sharing one body, and that is wrong because you only become one when you are married. If you do it when you are not married then it is like he is invading the temple that is your body and displeasing God ect. However, it is the same kind of invasion if he uses your mouth for pleasure, but because he doesn't feel the same intimacy with you during oral, he thinks God is fine with that.

The way a lot of people see it: When the bible was written, it was perfectly normal for girls to get married off at the age of 12. Having sex with a virgin girl under the age of 12 really is invading her body especially if she is promised to marry someone else. And especially because there wasn't contraception so if someone had sex with her, they are being selfish and disregarding the effect they might have on her life. But in the bible it was OK for a man (E.G. Job and Noah did this) to have sex with his daughters because they are his responsibility - in those days they were probably considered his property.

It is your choice to decide how to interpret the bible:
- Protection. Is God's will simply that there should be no risk of children being born outside of marriage, that you should not put that at risk for your own pleasure? If oral is OK, then is sex with protection also OK?
- Body parts. Is the vagina/penis more holy than the mouth? Is it sinful to connect in sexual intercourse but OK for oral simply because only one person's intimate areas are involved?
- Intimacy. Does God disapprove of sexual intimacy before marriage? Or does he just disapprove of people having sex when it is just for physical pleasure and not genuine care and love for one another?

I think that Christians can be very tough on themselves because they want to do exactly the right thing, when maybe their God wouldn't want to restrict good people from sharing intimacy, but just wanted sex to be for the right reasons. As a Christian, you should think about it and decide your morals on this topic because it is relevant to your life at the moment. Don't just choose something because your boyfriend chose it, truly decide what you believe is how you should live. You and your boyfriend share the same God. Whether you believe the same about sex or differently, you should talk to him and explain exactly why you believe it. Get him to say exactly why he believes it. Maybe you together will grow stronger because of your shared faith, or maybe it is not God's will for you and him to be together.

Reply 2

LightBlueSoldier

Original post by Anonymous

It's not your fault. It's his fault.

If you believe in no sex before marriage, then it should entail no sexual contact at all as I understand it.

God coming between couples since AD 0

Posted from TSR Mobile

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

Original post by Orthonym

As a Christian, you should think about it and decide your morals on this topic because it is relevant to your life at the moment. Don't just choose something because your boyfriend chose it, truly decide what you believe is how you should live. You and your boyfriend share the same God. Whether you believe the same about sex or differently, you should talk to him and explain exactly why you believe it. Get him to say exactly why he believes it. Maybe you together will grow stronger because of your shared faith, or maybe it is not God's will for you and him to be together .

Thank you. We've exchanged words since and now he said he's said all this to me because he feels like he might be using me. To say I'm devastated would be an understatement. No idea how to feel. I'm just shocked. This is affecting me more than I thought :frown:

Reply 4

C_Armstrongg

Original post by Anonymous

I went through same thing, including what you said in this next post, but I'm still happily with my boyfriend a year later and going strong. Mail me if you want someone to talk to or my experience, things can get better this doesn't mean the relationship has to end :smile:

Posted from TSR Mobile

Reply 5

Okie dokie

What a sad little man, when there's gash on offer you accept it

Reply 6

Gray Wolf

The man is a wise man.

Reply 7

username1060288

I suspect he's feeling guilty and a little messed up so I would try my best not to take it personally. In not sure if there are any books you can read to overcome 'catholic guilt'...it's such a shame that this is affecting your relationship. I don't think that's what any god would have wanted. Remind him he's a good person and has no reason to feel ashamed...talk about shame and guilt some more with him. Often it diminishes if you talk about it :smile:

Posted from TSR Mobile

Reply 8

username1060288

Also the latest thing he said is probably also to do with guilt. If he's been told its disrespectful to a girl to have sex with her before marriage then there will be residual feelings associated with that...even though it sounds like you completely respected and were kind to one another :smile:

Posted from TSR Mobile

Reply 9

scrotgrot

Christianity says get married before you have sex but then don't use contraception. Religions say this because they originated with ethnicity-based nations. They want to grow the number of followers/citizens as well as not have them become a burden on their society. It makes sense when you are worried about having enough youngsters to still be crushing the guys in the next valley in 20 years' time.

Since religion has become divorced from this the rules on sex before marriage aren't important any more. See the Sermon on the Mount where Jesus says stop following rules blindly and use some common sense. By not fretting about sex before marriage you are following in the footsteps of Jesus himself.

I would tell him that.

Reply 10

username402722

The 'oral sex isn't sex' is more often referred to as the Clinton defence (Bill Clinton that is).

Reply 11

Urban Ace

Original post by barnetlad

The 'oral sex isn't sex' is more often referred to as the Clinton defence (Bill Clinton that is).

You've won the internet.

Reply 12

Huskaris

When I saw the thread title, I was ready to say it was probably partly your fault and there's probably something you could do.

I read your post.

It is not your fault in the slightest. He is a bellend for not waiting and then deciding he wants to wait. What a fool.

Reply 13

GottaLovePhysics! :)

Just dont give him a 'helping hand', or oral. He is getting satisfied, so dosnt need sex, but you are not.

Reply 14

Arpita2014

It is the fault of the guy.If he knows that no sex before marriage, he should not start sex from starting.Now there is no meaning to say that no sex before marriage.

(edited 10 years ago)

Reply 15

Anonymous #1

Me and my boyfriend have talked some more and I understand more about the way he's feeling. I feel more comfortable about it now than before, I guess my initial post was just a rant of how I felt at the time. Since talking I've had the time to reflect on our whole relationship. I suppose it's a good way of spending quality time together and realising how we both feel about each other. Hmm we'll see.
Thanks everyone who responded :smile:

(edited 10 years ago)

Reply 16

Studentus-anonymous

it's amazing how many people are dickheads and hide behind religion to do it.

I can't give you any Christianly advice, I don't buy into it at all, to me a vag is a vag, a penis is a penis, and what goes on between two consenting adults is entirely their business without judgement.

Still, you two have already done the deed, and God ahs not smote you, in fact I am willing to bet he has not once so much as done or said a thing to you (at least nothing that isn't simply explained away as a dream, or hallucination or what simply emanates from your own mind).

If God really intended vaginas for marriage alone, then they'd only appear/open up magically upon the 'I do's.

Best of luck OP, it seems a clear-cut case of mismatched needs. You need and want the intimacy, he isn't giving. You're going to have to have a conversation eventually and it could very likely mean splitsville.