The Student Room Group

Is it truly over?

Hey, this is going to be a long post. I actually wrote this before.. And then the auto save restored an thread I made..

My girlfriend and I broke up a few days back.

I want to know what to do, what to say or whether I should give up, I'm clinging onto hope on the few things that I still have. She's said she doesn't know what she feels for me anymore. And that right now I'm just a friend. But I want more than that. I don't know if she wants more than that. We both suffer from depression. And it's brought us closer, it did in the start and it did yesterday.

Background

Things started to go sour 2 months ago. We had a big bust up regarding an ex and we went on a break for a week. It ended up with us getting engaged and we exchanged valentine's gifts.. But there were still pieces of trust that were broken from it. But things were good. The day after we got engaged saw each other and we had some sexual contact (sounds irrelevant but read on). We previously were in a relationship where the sex was of BDSM type. She said to me that her nipples wanted torturing that day. And We had some soft, but BDSM style play.

She agrees to come see me in the week, but on the evening before she texts the following "if we do have sex, I don't want any of this heavy master stuff" I agree to this. And we don't have sex anyway. We have a little fondle (only groping and stuff) and then I go downstairs, and make her pancakes. I tell her I was "good". She agreed.

The next few weeks we were busy we saw each other, but we had an engagement celebration, we went bowling and pool a few times we only had a few times where we had time to have sex. And I wasn't going to force it onto her, I wanted her to be comfortable.

Then, 3 weeks ago while we are sitting on the bed. She shows me a paddle that she's seen on ebay. And we both say that we haven't tried the first one yet. I ask if she'd like to try it, she says yes, and I get confused at this point. Because previously she said she didn't want this. However I know that this was the style of sex she prefers and that in time we would have more BDSM. So I ask her some questions, does she want me to get the cane? And I bite her, thinking she would enjoy it like she used to, but I took the wrong initiative. I ultimately asked her if she wanted me. She said yes. Either way, I kept the session short because we were going to do other things. Things were fine that night, we even discussed the logistics of my 21st in October and how we can actually spend nights together in depth.

I didn't think this bothered her at all, until she brought it up when she posted that she was depressed on tumblr. I asked her what was up, she said she wasn't ready to talk about her feelings. And she said she couldn't trust me as a master because apparently she just wanted to try the paddle that week. I half explained my part. But I left it because she seemingly stopped talking to me.

She was feeling depressed all week, and slowly she became increasingly short and agitated with me. I had no idea why, I just had to try my best to try and cheer her up. She started speaking to other guys who made her happy, I got a bit jealous and felt like I was fighting for her attention. I cut down the talking as an earlier chat made it clear that that would be best. We both said it would be best if I went to the doctors and started up anti-depressants again.

Argument
On the Monday just gone, she spoke to a mutual friend of ours about sex. I spoke to him about it too, and I said "we used to have an awesome sex life, but she doesn't want it and we've been too busy" as well as talking about other things.

On Tuesday she read the messages, and had a go because apparently I made her sound like a bitch because she doesn't want sex. So I said I'll explain the situation to him and messaged him I said I don't talk to anyone about our problems because they don't understand or I don't want a bad image painted of her. The only person I felt comfortable talking to was here best friend. Who I'd been told not to speak to about things to, but she knows her best. My girlfriend told me to stop speaking or she'd block me. So I stopped and spoke to her friend.

She read the messages about speaking to her friend and removed me from facebook. Sending me into overdrive. I contacted her, but only a few times. And much less than usual. She also wrote that I never loved her or cared for her as well as that she took her ring off that night on Tumblr.

Our mutual friend contacts me just as I am about to go to bed. I mention about the situaton. He tells me to leave her alone for a while and keep the conversation between ourselves. But I told him that she would most likely read the conversation. He advised me to change my password because she deleted me off of facebook. I didn't change my password... I couldn't actually bring myself to do it. Instead I just turned off facebook across all logged in devices.

She was following the conversation. I got angry and upset snapchats from her saying she never wanted anything to do with me again. And that she will send the ring back via post. Apparently that was one of the last fragments of trust I had broken. And that it was over. I told her that I didn't change my password. She said she didn't care. We were up until 5am arguing.

She then messages me on facebook at 9am. Saying that she read the messages between me and the mutual friend and saying how he lied to me and stuff. That we can still be friends, we have a quick chat for an hour about last night's situation. I leave it at that. I felt the need to respect that she isn't happy and she needs her space, and I just want her to be happy.

Then, she did something that changed my opinion on everything. She messaged me about my doctor's appointment that day, saying it hope it goes okay and she text me as well saying it went okay as I was asleep and didn't read it too quick.

That made me realise that she still cares, even after the arguing the fighting and what not, she still somewhat has feelings for me.

She asked when I got back how the doctors went, and asked questions in depth. We got into a chat about our depression and actually had a decent conversation for the first time in weeks. Even though I too had been suffering. It made me feel closer to her than I had in a few weeks. And it reignited the flare that wasn't going to let it go so easily.
After a night of me playing xbox trying to explain an ideal situation, she said that she had been doubting how she felt about me since the sex incident with the paddle. I accepted and backed off. She said that I was just another guy who cared about sex more than her feelings.. Those words really struck a nerve, as I have never meant that. However, I still want to get my point across. And I don't want to be demonised by something that I didn't mean in the eyes of the one that I still love.

Today I haven't pressurised her into getting back together. Given her some space. But we've had back and forth conversations/games on xbox mobile devices as well as a decent conversation over xbox. It was.. Nice.

The things I have still to cling on to:

She hasn't posted the ring yet, and nor has she made another reference to it.

She hasn't deleted all of the photos like she has done with previous ex-boyfriends.

She still logs onto my facebook to check up on me.

She still speaks to me.. And she still has some feelings for me.

She's not on dating sites still. She was on loads before me.

But she's just posted a status saying she prefers the single life so she's going to enjoy it. Maybe that's after she read my message about me hoping that we could start over to our mutual friend.

I know I need to leave her a bit. But how long? I will worry she will find someone else. And how would I get my point across that I didn't mean that without being too pushy? I need to see her in person I feel to sort this out. But I don't know if she will be willing for a while. And I really need to sort my point of view soon.
Original post by Anonymous
Hey, this is going to be a long post. I actually wrote this before.. And then the auto save restored an thread I made..

My girlfriend and I broke up a few days back.

I want to know what to do, what to say or whether I should give up, I'm clinging onto hope on the few things that I still have. She's said she doesn't know what she feels for me anymore. And that right now I'm just a friend. But I want more than that. I don't know if she wants more than that. We both suffer from depression. And it's brought us closer, it did in the start and it did yesterday.

Background

Things started to go sour 2 months ago. We had a big bust up regarding an ex and we went on a break for a week. It ended up with us getting engaged and we exchanged valentine's gifts.. But there were still pieces of trust that were broken from it. But things were good. The day after we got engaged saw each other and we had some sexual contact (sounds irrelevant but read on). We previously were in a relationship where the sex was of BDSM type. She said to me that her nipples wanted torturing that day. And We had some soft, but BDSM style play.

She agrees to come see me in the week, but on the evening before she texts the following "if we do have sex, I don't want any of this heavy master stuff" I agree to this. And we don't have sex anyway. We have a little fondle (only groping and stuff) and then I go downstairs, and make her pancakes. I tell her I was "good". She agreed.

The next few weeks we were busy we saw each other, but we had an engagement celebration, we went bowling and pool a few times we only had a few times where we had time to have sex. And I wasn't going to force it onto her, I wanted her to be comfortable.

Then, 3 weeks ago while we are sitting on the bed. She shows me a paddle that she's seen on ebay. And we both say that we haven't tried the first one yet. I ask if she'd like to try it, she says yes, and I get confused at this point. Because previously she said she didn't want this. However I know that this was the style of sex she prefers and that in time we would have more BDSM. So I ask her some questions, does she want me to get the cane? And I bite her, thinking she would enjoy it like she used to, but I took the wrong initiative. I ultimately asked her if she wanted me. She said yes. Either way, I kept the session short because we were going to do other things. Things were fine that night, we even discussed the logistics of my 21st in October and how we can actually spend nights together in depth.

I didn't think this bothered her at all, until she brought it up when she posted that she was depressed on tumblr. I asked her what was up, she said she wasn't ready to talk about her feelings. And she said she couldn't trust me as a master because apparently she just wanted to try the paddle that week. I half explained my part. But I left it because she seemingly stopped talking to me.

She was feeling depressed all week, and slowly she became increasingly short and agitated with me. I had no idea why, I just had to try my best to try and cheer her up. She started speaking to other guys who made her happy, I got a bit jealous and felt like I was fighting for her attention. I cut down the talking as an earlier chat made it clear that that would be best. We both said it would be best if I went to the doctors and started up anti-depressants again.

Argument
On the Monday just gone, she spoke to a mutual friend of ours about sex. I spoke to him about it too, and I said "we used to have an awesome sex life, but she doesn't want it and we've been too busy" as well as talking about other things.

On Tuesday she read the messages, and had a go because apparently I made her sound like a bitch because she doesn't want sex. So I said I'll explain the situation to him and messaged him I said I don't talk to anyone about our problems because they don't understand or I don't want a bad image painted of her. The only person I felt comfortable talking to was here best friend. Who I'd been told not to speak to about things to, but she knows her best. My girlfriend told me to stop speaking or she'd block me. So I stopped and spoke to her friend.

She read the messages about speaking to her friend and removed me from facebook. Sending me into overdrive. I contacted her, but only a few times. And much less than usual. She also wrote that I never loved her or cared for her as well as that she took her ring off that night on Tumblr.

Our mutual friend contacts me just as I am about to go to bed. I mention about the situaton. He tells me to leave her alone for a while and keep the conversation between ourselves. But I told him that she would most likely read the conversation. He advised me to change my password because she deleted me off of facebook. I didn't change my password... I couldn't actually bring myself to do it. Instead I just turned off facebook across all logged in devices.

She was following the conversation. I got angry and upset snapchats from her saying she never wanted anything to do with me again. And that she will send the ring back via post. Apparently that was one of the last fragments of trust I had broken. And that it was over. I told her that I didn't change my password. She said she didn't care. We were up until 5am arguing.

She then messages me on facebook at 9am. Saying that she read the messages between me and the mutual friend and saying how he lied to me and stuff. That we can still be friends, we have a quick chat for an hour about last night's situation. I leave it at that. I felt the need to respect that she isn't happy and she needs her space, and I just want her to be happy.

Then, she did something that changed my opinion on everything. She messaged me about my doctor's appointment that day, saying it hope it goes okay and she text me as well saying it went okay as I was asleep and didn't read it too quick.

That made me realise that she still cares, even after the arguing the fighting and what not, she still somewhat has feelings for me.

She asked when I got back how the doctors went, and asked questions in depth. We got into a chat about our depression and actually had a decent conversation for the first time in weeks. Even though I too had been suffering. It made me feel closer to her than I had in a few weeks. And it reignited the flare that wasn't going to let it go so easily.
After a night of me playing xbox trying to explain an ideal situation, she said that she had been doubting how she felt about me since the sex incident with the paddle. I accepted and backed off. She said that I was just another guy who cared about sex more than her feelings.. Those words really struck a nerve, as I have never meant that. However, I still want to get my point across. And I don't want to be demonised by something that I didn't mean in the eyes of the one that I still love.

Today I haven't pressurised her into getting back together. Given her some space. But we've had back and forth conversations/games on xbox mobile devices as well as a decent conversation over xbox. It was.. Nice.

The things I have still to cling on to:

She hasn't posted the ring yet, and nor has she made another reference to it.

She hasn't deleted all of the photos like she has done with previous ex-boyfriends.

She still logs onto my facebook to check up on me.

She still speaks to me.. And she still has some feelings for me.

She's not on dating sites still. She was on loads before me.

But she's just posted a status saying she prefers the single life so she's going to enjoy it. Maybe that's after she read my message about me hoping that we could start over to our mutual friend.

I know I need to leave her a bit. But how long? I will worry she will find someone else. And how would I get my point across that I didn't mean that without being too pushy? I need to see her in person I feel to sort this out. But I don't know if she will be willing for a while. And I really need to sort my point of view soon.


Damn mate, that was really long, I'm not sure I took all of that in.
If I was you, from past experience, I would explain how I feel to her and apologise, don't be negative at all. That put's the onus on her, and if she loves you and wants to be with you, then all is well.

If I read this correctly, its just that you had a little fall out over sex life? If she's feeling low, do you think it may be a low phase if she is prone to feeling down, or to having ups and downs.
I just had a funny thought.

Imagine someone from the 50s reading this,they would be so confused with all the BDSM and social media references.It really shows how society has changed.Not judging or anything,just an observation.:smile:
(edited 9 years ago)
Reply 3
tl dr?
Goodness, this girl sounds so immature. OP, I think you should discuss this with her properly and explain that her feelings mean more to you than sex and that you had only done what was comfortable for her and that if you had been insensitive (which I can see, that you have not been at all), to accept an apology.
If I were in your place, I wouldn't let her snoop into my stuff just because she can, you need your space and she should respect that. Just try to clam her down and indirectly request her to grow up and be more rational.
Reply 5
Original post by Hellcat12
Goodness, this girl sounds so immature. OP, I think you should discuss this with her properly and explain that her feelings mean more to you than sex and that you had only done what was comfortable for her and that if you had been insensitive (which I can see, that you have not been at all), to accept an apology.
If I were in your place, I wouldn't let her snoop into my stuff just because she can, you need your space and she should respect that. Just try to clam her down and indirectly request her to grow up and be more rational.


I hadn't exactly done what is comfortable for her, I did what I thought was comfortable. That's the thing. :/ She thinks I knew she wasn't comfortable with it.
Original post by Anonymous
She thinks I knew she wasn't comfortable with it.


Well, tell her you didn't know and it was an accident! If I may be so bold: duh!
Original post by Anonymous
I hadn't exactly done what is comfortable for her, I did what I thought was comfortable. That's the thing. :/ She thinks I knew she wasn't comfortable with it.

This is weird. It was just one time and why did she have to create a whole drama out of it? I mean, paddle sex, alright? How worse could it get? You didn't try to strangle her or something. It was just, sex, requested by her. I think you should stop blaming yourself for anything.

If her attitude doesn't improve, it might be over between you. I don't enjoy saying this, but I think you would be better off with someone who doesn't post her dissatisfaction with this relationship all over the internet, just for the sake of it, existing. What's the point of sending you sad snapchats? :facepalm:

Other than that, breaking the engagement, talking to other guys to make you jealous, checking on you, just because the sex wasn't enjoyable or slightly harsh? Maybe there is another reason, but if it is the only one, I am really sorry, this girl seems really strange, perhaps there is a huge explanation behind this. Maybe it was not the sex, maybe it's some excuse for a larger thing, you need to consider that.
(edited 9 years ago)
Reply 8
Original post by Hellcat12
This is weird. It was just one time and why did she have to create a whole drama out of it? I mean, paddle sex, alright? How worse could it get? You didn't try to strangle her or something. It was just, sex, requested by her. I think you should stop blaming yourself for anything.

If her attitude doesn't improve, it might be over between you. I don't enjoy saying this, but I think you would be better off with someone who doesn't post her dissatisfaction with this relationship all over the internet, just for the sake of it, existing. What's the point of sending you sad snapchats? :facepalm:

Other than that, breaking the engagement, talking to other guys to make you jealous, checking on you, just because the sex wasn't enjoyable or slightly harsh? Maybe there is another reason, but if it is the only one, I am really sorry, this girl seems really strange, perhaps there is a huge explanation behind this. Maybe it was not the sex, maybe it's some excuse for a larger thing, you need to consider that.


I think it's a mixture of depression, sex and me not handling the situation my best. She sent me snapchats to say she wanted nothing to do with me now because she was pissed off. Today she initiated conversation and I'm half tempted to ask if I can come round to explain the whole thing to her.
Reply 9
Original post by anosmianAcrimony
Well, tell her you didn't know and it was an accident! If I may be so bold: duh!


It's not as easy as that, I'd much rather get it across in person but I don't know if she's willing.
Original post by Anonymous
I think it's a mixture of depression, sex and me not handling the situation my best. She sent me snapchats to say she wanted nothing to do with me now because she was pissed off. Today she initiated conversation and I'm half tempted to ask if I can come round to explain the whole thing to her.

You should probably explain it to her, it seems best at the moment. If she is the romantic type, she would melt if you told her that her presence and care meant more than just sex and that you wouldn't do anything to hurt her, that maybe she should guide you, to explain what she wants and you would try your best to make it work.
I would still say, don't let her keep checks on you or snoop in your conversations with your friends, you don't have to suffocate yourself, you will be the one trying to get rid of her one day, just for this and it's not wise to talk about your sex life with other friends if your girlfriend can have access to it and isn't the tolerant kind.
Reply 11
Why does she read your messages like that?
Why so much online communication and Tumblr posting?

It sounds like this is a mixture of a slightly soured d/s relationship, which is always the worst, but also two people who aren't communicating as simply and as candidly as they could. You need to get to the core of the problem, whether that's acknowledging that the concept of the two of you together, struggling with depression but also attempting to combine that into d/s - which does have to be done carefully - needs a bit of a rethink. That's not to say that you shouldn't be together, but I think 'starting over' is a good point. It's almost as though everything has just risen up and up and all of this frustration seems to have exploded, leaving a really confusing web, to which I can't really work out what the easiest way 'out' is. Give each other clear communication away from pixels and Tumblr drama. And make it not about the sex. In a d/s relationship that has that aspect at the core, even situations like this would come to that, but I think you need to step away from the bdsm and the fact that you are master - sub - and see yourselves as just a couple first, fix those problems before anything else.
Original post by Anonymous
I think it's a mixture of depression, sex and me not handling the situation my best. She sent me snapchats to say she wanted nothing to do with me now because she was pissed off. Today she initiated conversation and I'm half tempted to ask if I can come round to explain the whole thing to her.


Original post by Anonymous
It's not as easy as that, I'd much rather get it across in person but I don't know if she's willing.


Then tell her that. You're not gonna know if she'll talk to you if you don't ask. Explain how you feel and talk about the situation, instead of avoiding it.
I'm not sure I took all of the information in, since that was quite long, but:

The Dom/Sub aspect of the relationship does complicate things a little bit. If she isn't emotionally prepared to explain her limits or let you know what she doesn't like without getting angry, you might want to hold off on that until things are stable (in any relationship, not just this one). Much as I don't think her reaction (and assumption that you did something she wouldn't like on purpose) was reasonable, I can understand, as a sub, how easy it is to feel unloved or uncared for or even used if the sex is continually rough but things are off emotionally. BDSM doesn't have to be too harsh or cold if it's not to one person's tastes; It's "bondage" for a reason. The relationship should be sturdy before you throw in an extra element to complicate things further!

Spoiler



Regardless of the sexual aspect, I don't understand why you let her have your password/check your messages if you were silly enough to discuss the relationship in a negative light with your friends. You knew she was going to see it, and by the sounds of it it shouldn't have come as a massive shock for her to get upset by it.

It sounds like the two of you simply don't communicate properly. Why is everything "I saw this on tumblr/facebook/from a friend" and not "we discussed this"?

Personally I think the pair of you sound too dysfunctional to work, but of course you know the ins-and-outs of your relationship better than I do. For now, just give her some and space, because it sounds like she's quite sure it's over.
(edited 9 years ago)
I failed to mention she started talking about sex with him first >.<
I told her how I felt, and she says that we aren't getting back together, nor in time.

At the same time, before I said it she said to me "Well tell me in a few weeks when it's 100% clear this is all we are going to be", with reference to friends.

I hope what I said sinks in... And maybe she'll change her mind. I just can't bring myself to think of how I'm going to cash in the ring and we are going to collect each other's stuff... that's the final hurdle. And that's what I can hope for.
On the other hand, she said "That doesn't even matter" When I asked her whether she still had feelings for me.
It's clear that neither one of you possesses any emotional maturity, so how you ever expected to introduce BDSM whose most basic tenets are trust, candour and clear communication in a manner that would actually enhance your relationship is frankly mystifying.
Original post by Profesh
It's clear that neither one of you possesses any emotional maturity, so how you ever expected to introduce BDSM whose most basic tenets are trust, candour and clear communication in a manner that would actually enhance your relationship is frankly mystifying.


It actually worked very well in the beginning. Just the communication died at the end.

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