Concerned about my depressed, widowed father.

Keeping myself anonymous as this is quite a sensitive topic and I don't want anyone knowing who is writing this.

Hi there. I'm feeling quite helpless and overwhelmed due to my father being very depressed all the time- hating his job, having the fear of losing his job because of constant stress and anxiety (he's a secondary school teacher in a bad rep school with kids who don't give a damn and always take the mick out of him and OFSTED always down his pipe asking him to do a better job even though he's doing the best he can and Gove raising the bar for kids getting better grades but they can't...) and worrying about not being able to pay the bills for insurance, gas, electricity etc. and most importantly, feeling like s**t because of losing his wife of 34 years - and of course, my mother - almost a couple of years ago.

He drinks every night and dwells about my mum most nights when he's had too much to drink saying what else has he got to live for besides me and my sister and our pet dog. He gives me a lot of hugs with him crying over my shoulder, saying how much I mean to him etc. and I hate seeing him like this. He contemplates about leaving his job and going into a field better suited to him as it's less stress and hasn't got anyone telling him he isn't doing his job correctly. But he worries that he won't have enough money to pay the bills and stuff because he's on a good wage now but doesn't like the prospect of going on a smaller wage for a more enjoyable job and has the constant fear of losing his job due to OFSTED shutting his school down.

I've suggested that he should consider leaving his current job and look for work elsewhere but like I say, he's worried about losing the house for not keeping up with payments if he does take another job on a much smaller wage. It's a constant rut he's in and I haven't seen any solutions to this and he's been like this for months :frown:

My sister and I are very concerned for him even though she does not know I am writing this but I don't know what I/we can do to help him to have a more positive outlook on life and help him look forward to the future. Can anyone give us/me some help or advice? Any help would be appreciated. Thank you in advance for any replies.

Reply 1

battycatlady

Hi OP, I'm really sorry for your situation. It sound crappy.

I don't really know what to say to help. Firstly, has he been to the doctors about this? As someone who has suffered with depression I know getting help is scary, but you could encourage him. You sound like a good daughter/son. If he hasn't already had it, a counsellor can help. It can be useful to have someone to talk to who doesn't initially know anything, as strange as that sounds. About the drink; drink is a depressant. Try and encourage him to stop if you can. Drink only makes things worse!

I know he's worried about the job situation, but sounds like he needs some time away. Is there no way he could go on compassionate leave for a few weeks? I know a teach at school who did that :smile:

Sorry this isn't very helpful at all, but if you need someone to speak to OP please message me whenever (: I hope your dad gets some help and gets his life back on track :smile:

Reply 2

Клейтон

Hi there. I would be so easy for me to sit here behind a screen and say 'oh go and get professional help' 'seek a counsellor'. But I know it's not always that easy. Is it? I'd suggest talking to him on a equal level. Take some time out of your schedule and sit with him, have a chat. Try to take his mind off things a bit. If he's getting depressed about your mum and his wife ask him what his best memory of their time together is. I'm not fully trained to deal with things like this but I am trying to advise you on what to do but ultimately it's your call.

A small holiday could do him the world of good. Even if it's only the countryside he doesn't have to go abroad but seeing somewhere different could really help him. Don't coax him into doing anything he doesn't want to do though, make it a politely subtle suggestion. As I say, a change of scenery may benefit him. If his careers in a but of an unstable place, maybe you should try and do a bit of research on finding him a new job perhaps one he enjoys a bit better. I'm not saying you've been a bad child to him but if you could contribute to him getting a new job, maybe you should. That's all I'm going to say for tonight but I'll keep an eye on this thread and I hope things improve with time. :smile:

Reply 3

username1347185

Hey, your situation sounds tough and very hard to deal with and I would defiantly suggest approaching the idea of professional help, maybe you could even all go together?

But I'd also suggest maybe taking your dad out for a picnic? Go as a family for a walk and take some sandwiches, drink and cake and have a relaxing day. You could go to the park, the beach or a little village, somewhere where there is a nice view and surroundings. You could make daisy chains, take some paints and paint together, maybe even take a camera and start making new good and happy memories? I have no doubt that it is hard to move on but I think it is important for not just your dad but you and your sister to realise that happiness and good times are still ahead of you all.

I also don't know how good this suggestion will be but maybe do something your mum liked doing or maybe even just set aside a day to share happy memories about her. I think the best thing you can do is let your dad know that you and your sister are still there and that you still all have each other. Help him realise that you are still a family with life left to live.

I have no idea how much help any of that is as I've not been in your situation and even if you don't want to do what I have suggested I hope it might help you sort through things so that you can find something that you think will help.

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

Original post by battycatlady

Sorry this isn't very helpful at all, but if you need someone to speak to OP please message me whenever (: I hope your dad gets some help and gets his life back on track :smile:

Original post by Клейтон

Original post by physicsbook

Thanks for the replies already, I really appreciate it. He has seen the school councillor for a few sessions to let off some steam and to talk through with a professional about his problems but those problems are still present. He hasn't been for one for a while but he told me he's going to the doctors about something this week so might ask him to get a phone number for the local councillor as well.

He's just had two weeks off for Easter and just been on a 5 day camping holiday with my sister and I and it seemed to take his mind of stuff but whenever we sit down and talk about stuff, - like tonight for instance - nothing is ever followed through as he's either too drunk or too tired to remember what I told him and he's always worried what's going to happen next. He's so busy all the time when he's not on holiday that he doesn't have time to sort things out - does some housework, walks our dog, work,goes to meetings/parents evenings every other week, seeing my grandad every couple of days, planning lessons for the day after... it goes on and on. He needs a change but I don't know how to help him go in the right direction.

I will help him look for another job as he doesn't have enough time to do it himself and maybe he will look into it. That's a good tip, thank you :smile:

He has untill May 31st to make a decision whether to resign or keep his job so if he has some interviews lined up, he would be better off going for them as well.

I've not thought of going WITH him to a councillor - that's a very good idea. I will have to look into that. Thank you very much! :biggrin:

As I say, thank you for the replies already. I hope there will be some more replies as I may need more help but will keep you posted on this thread.

Reply 5

brightcitylights

Wow. I totally feel your pain. My parents are both depressed to the point I avoid spending time with them cause it breaks my heart to see them that way. At least you're strong enough to face it. I think he needs to see a GP to get help for the drinking and depression and a careers advisor. Also look after yourself because no one else will!
Sorry to hear about your mother by the way. Can't imagine how difficult it must be for all of you.