Lack of sex is damaging otherwise healthy relationship
I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for two years now, and our sex life is pretty non-existent.
We are both now 19, having started our relationship as 17 year-old virgins. I had girlfriends previously, whereas my girlfriend had no partners previously. The first year together we grew sexually quite a lot - having both been quite inexperienced, we made out, masturbated, oral and that. Then it came to sex and my girlfriend was very nervous. I thought this was fine as it was new to her (and me, but I felt ready) and promised to give her time and not pressure her. We tried for the first time half a year ago, but due to nerves and inexperience she wanted to stop immediately. We tried again a couple of months ago and it was a bit easier and it went on longer, but she is still scared to keep trying.
However, in two years, these are the only times we have had sex. My girlfriend has been nervous and I have done my best to understand that but after two years, I can't help but feel things won't change. She has told me that she wants to keep trying to change, but whenever I see her this isn't the case. She had admitted she has a very low sex drive, but this is mainly out of fear.
How can I help her stop being afraid of sex if she is so unwilling to try it? And is it wrong of me to expect more? We are almost adults, and we're in a long term relationship. I just want to feel wanted physically, as I love her and show her this emotionally/physically as much as I can.
We are both now 19, having started our relationship as 17 year-old virgins. I had girlfriends previously, whereas my girlfriend had no partners previously. The first year together we grew sexually quite a lot - having both been quite inexperienced, we made out, masturbated, oral and that. Then it came to sex and my girlfriend was very nervous. I thought this was fine as it was new to her (and me, but I felt ready) and promised to give her time and not pressure her. We tried for the first time half a year ago, but due to nerves and inexperience she wanted to stop immediately. We tried again a couple of months ago and it was a bit easier and it went on longer, but she is still scared to keep trying.
However, in two years, these are the only times we have had sex. My girlfriend has been nervous and I have done my best to understand that but after two years, I can't help but feel things won't change. She has told me that she wants to keep trying to change, but whenever I see her this isn't the case. She had admitted she has a very low sex drive, but this is mainly out of fear.
How can I help her stop being afraid of sex if she is so unwilling to try it? And is it wrong of me to expect more? We are almost adults, and we're in a long term relationship. I just want to feel wanted physically, as I love her and show her this emotionally/physically as much as I can.
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Do you know exactly what she's so nervous about? Does it hurt her/is she worried she will lack skill of some sort/something else? I'm struggling to understand why she'd feel that way when she's been with you for so long and you've done other stuff together that I would think requires more skill.
Is she willing to engage in conversation with you about it?
EDIT: No, I don't think you're wrong to be a bit frustrated. You've been very understanding and it's great that you care about her enough to try to work at it/to be sensitive to her needs.
Is she willing to engage in conversation with you about it?
EDIT: No, I don't think you're wrong to be a bit frustrated. You've been very understanding and it's great that you care about her enough to try to work at it/to be sensitive to her needs.
(edited 10 years ago)
Original post by Jelkin
Do you know exactly what she's so nervous about? Does it hurt her/is she worried she will lack skill of some sort/something else? I'm struggling to understand why she'd feel that way when she's been with you for so long and you've done other stuff together that I would think requires more skill.
Is she willing to engage in conversation with you about it?
EDIT: No, I don't think you're wrong to be a bit frustrated. You've been very understanding and it's great that you care about her enough to try to work at it/to be sensitive to her needs.
Is she willing to engage in conversation with you about it?
EDIT: No, I don't think you're wrong to be a bit frustrated. You've been very understanding and it's great that you care about her enough to try to work at it/to be sensitive to her needs.
Yes, we have been spoken about it and she has told me she is nervous of it hurting, and says that she thinks her hole is too small. I have suggested we use lubricant to make it easier for her/even more foreplay, but she finds it all very daunting still.
She is very unwilling to engage in conversation, to the extent that when I bring it up she starts crying and worries that she'll lose me because of it - no matter how much I tell her I love her and want to work on it with her. One minute she says she needs to and will try to change herself then the next she says that she thinks she won't ever change.
Thank you very much. I love her and want nothing more than a full emotional and physical relationship with her.
Original post by Jebedee
Cut her loose man. She sounds crazy and while you might like everything else about her. This isn't a luxury, it is a basic necessity of a relationship.
I can see your point, and I agree I feel it should be basic...and I've spent the whole relationship waiting to try and help her see it in the same way. I guess I'm getting to the stage where the waiting doesn't seem worth it if nothing is really changing.
A lot of girls are nervous about having sex for the first time but your girlfriend's anxiety seems to be way beyond normal, perhaps she is phobic.
Could you encourage her to book an appointment with a (female) GP?
They might be able to help her, especially if there is a physical or psychological (or both) issue she isn't telling you about (she might have discovered vaginismus using tampons for example, but be unaware that it can be treated and think it is something very wrong with her / doesn't want you to find out); that the GP could do a lot to help with.
I would:
- Reassure her lots
- Understand that she might find this most difficult to talk about with you (because of her fear and embarassment), and emphasise that she doesn't have to explain to you (this might relieve some pressure)
- Recommend someone else she can talk to (GP)
- Emphasise the positives, that this problem can get better if she finds help.
You can only hope that she is willing to move forwards with this problem. It's probably going to take a lot more patience from here, because she's going to have to completely come around before you should even try sex. You can't rush her - if she thinks it's going to hurt and be unpleasant, you can sure bet it will be. That will only reinforce her fear.
Is she overall a fearful/anxious person, or is it just sex that this side comes out?
Could you encourage her to book an appointment with a (female) GP?
They might be able to help her, especially if there is a physical or psychological (or both) issue she isn't telling you about (she might have discovered vaginismus using tampons for example, but be unaware that it can be treated and think it is something very wrong with her / doesn't want you to find out); that the GP could do a lot to help with.
I would:
- Reassure her lots
- Understand that she might find this most difficult to talk about with you (because of her fear and embarassment), and emphasise that she doesn't have to explain to you (this might relieve some pressure)
- Recommend someone else she can talk to (GP)
- Emphasise the positives, that this problem can get better if she finds help.
You can only hope that she is willing to move forwards with this problem. It's probably going to take a lot more patience from here, because she's going to have to completely come around before you should even try sex. You can't rush her - if she thinks it's going to hurt and be unpleasant, you can sure bet it will be. That will only reinforce her fear.
Is she overall a fearful/anxious person, or is it just sex that this side comes out?
Been there, and as hard as it is if she doesn't want to then its not going to happen. I was upset at first when we broke up but looking back it was the right decision and we are both happier so don't be scared of ending it.
Agree very much with anon.
Assuming it isn't physical because you don't seem to be insinuating that it is solely that, it sounds to me as though she has some irrational mental hang-ups about intercourse itself. These could be caused by abuse so I do think it's really important to tread lightly, and her getting into contact with a GP could be a step towards improvement there. Even if it is not so linked to a past experience, it really does sound like something that she could talk to a pro about, someone who is equipped to listen and give the best advice directly to her. Not to say you aren't equipped, but I think you know what I mean by that. (: I should say, there are some people that just will not do piv sex, at all, it's not even inherently asexuality, they just hate it. I don't think she necessarily falls into that category, but it's something to think about.
When you say she has low sex drive, does that apply to all of the activity you've had with her? So she doesn't respond physically or emotionally, by being turned on, with oral etc? You say you just 'want to feel physically wanted', so does she never show affection physically at all? =/
It's a tricky situation - you are not at all wrong to want more from the relationship, sex is staple for many and it isn't shallow to desire it. However, this is clearly an instance where your girlfriend really, really needs your support. It might not seem that way because she is locking you out, in a way, however I think that if you were to leave her now after two years it could really hurt her self-esteem. That's not to say you should be responsible for that at all, but as someone who loves her that much it is of course something to care about. I don't think she is 'crazy' and really think if this is the only issue with the relationship, you should not give up too soon.
Assuming it isn't physical because you don't seem to be insinuating that it is solely that, it sounds to me as though she has some irrational mental hang-ups about intercourse itself. These could be caused by abuse so I do think it's really important to tread lightly, and her getting into contact with a GP could be a step towards improvement there. Even if it is not so linked to a past experience, it really does sound like something that she could talk to a pro about, someone who is equipped to listen and give the best advice directly to her. Not to say you aren't equipped, but I think you know what I mean by that. (: I should say, there are some people that just will not do piv sex, at all, it's not even inherently asexuality, they just hate it. I don't think she necessarily falls into that category, but it's something to think about.
When you say she has low sex drive, does that apply to all of the activity you've had with her? So she doesn't respond physically or emotionally, by being turned on, with oral etc? You say you just 'want to feel physically wanted', so does she never show affection physically at all? =/
It's a tricky situation - you are not at all wrong to want more from the relationship, sex is staple for many and it isn't shallow to desire it. However, this is clearly an instance where your girlfriend really, really needs your support. It might not seem that way because she is locking you out, in a way, however I think that if you were to leave her now after two years it could really hurt her self-esteem. That's not to say you should be responsible for that at all, but as someone who loves her that much it is of course something to care about. I don't think she is 'crazy' and really think if this is the only issue with the relationship, you should not give up too soon.
(edited 10 years ago)
Original post by Anonymous
A lot of girls are nervous about having sex for the first time but your girlfriend's anxiety seems to be way beyond normal, perhaps she is phobic.
Could you encourage her to book an appointment with a (female) GP?
They might be able to help her, especially if there is a physical or psychological (or both) issue she isn't telling you about (she might have discovered vaginismus using tampons for example, but be unaware that it can be treated and think it is something very wrong with her / doesn't want you to find out); that the GP could do a lot to help with.
I would:
- Reassure her lots
- Understand that she might find this most difficult to talk about with you (because of her fear and embarassment), and emphasise that she doesn't have to explain to you (this might relieve some pressure)
- Recommend someone else she can talk to (GP)
- Emphasise the positives, that this problem can get better if she finds help.
You can only hope that she is willing to move forwards with this problem. It's probably going to take a lot more patience from here, because she's going to have to completely come around before you should even try sex. You can't rush her - if she thinks it's going to hurt and be unpleasant, you can sure bet it will be. That will only reinforce her fear.
Is she overall a fearful/anxious person, or is it just sex that this side comes out?
Could you encourage her to book an appointment with a (female) GP?
They might be able to help her, especially if there is a physical or psychological (or both) issue she isn't telling you about (she might have discovered vaginismus using tampons for example, but be unaware that it can be treated and think it is something very wrong with her / doesn't want you to find out); that the GP could do a lot to help with.
I would:
- Reassure her lots
- Understand that she might find this most difficult to talk about with you (because of her fear and embarassment), and emphasise that she doesn't have to explain to you (this might relieve some pressure)
- Recommend someone else she can talk to (GP)
- Emphasise the positives, that this problem can get better if she finds help.
You can only hope that she is willing to move forwards with this problem. It's probably going to take a lot more patience from here, because she's going to have to completely come around before you should even try sex. You can't rush her - if she thinks it's going to hurt and be unpleasant, you can sure bet it will be. That will only reinforce her fear.
Is she overall a fearful/anxious person, or is it just sex that this side comes out?
I would encourage her but I fear this may scare her more, and make her more anxious - the idea that there might be something medically wrong with her. :\ She does have a problem using tampons and has told me that she will try using them again before we try having sex, in the hope it helps open her up.
Thank you for the advice. She can be an anxious person yes, but not always - when it comes to sex, though, this goes into overdrive and she becomes terrified.
Original post by awe
Agree very much with anon.
Assuming it isn't physical because you don't seem to be insinuating that it is solely that, it sounds to me as though she has some irrational mental hang-ups about intercourse itself. These could be caused by abuse so I do think it's really important to tread lightly, and her getting into contact with a GP could be a step towards improvement there. Even if it is not so linked to a past experience, it really does sound like something that she could talk to a pro about, someone who is equipped to listen and give the best advice directly to her. Not to say you aren't equipped, but I think you know what I mean by that. (: I should say, there are some people that just will not do piv sex, at all, it's not even inherently asexuality, they just hate it. I don't think she necessarily falls into that category, but it's something to think about.
When you say she has low sex drive, does that apply to all of the activity you've had with her? So she doesn't respond physically or emotionally, by being turned on, with oral etc? You say you just 'want to feel physically wanted', so does she never show affection physically at all? =/
It's a tricky situation - you are not at all wrong to want more from the relationship, sex is staple for many and it isn't shallow to desire it. However, this is clearly an instance where your girlfriend really, really needs your support. It might not seem that way because she is locking you out, in a way, however I think that if you were to leave her now after two years it could really hurt her self-esteem. That's not to say you should be responsible for that at all, but as someone who loves her that much it is of course something to care about. I don't think she is 'crazy' and really think if this is the only issue with the relationship, you should not give up too soon.
Assuming it isn't physical because you don't seem to be insinuating that it is solely that, it sounds to me as though she has some irrational mental hang-ups about intercourse itself. These could be caused by abuse so I do think it's really important to tread lightly, and her getting into contact with a GP could be a step towards improvement there. Even if it is not so linked to a past experience, it really does sound like something that she could talk to a pro about, someone who is equipped to listen and give the best advice directly to her. Not to say you aren't equipped, but I think you know what I mean by that. (: I should say, there are some people that just will not do piv sex, at all, it's not even inherently asexuality, they just hate it. I don't think she necessarily falls into that category, but it's something to think about.
When you say she has low sex drive, does that apply to all of the activity you've had with her? So she doesn't respond physically or emotionally, by being turned on, with oral etc? You say you just 'want to feel physically wanted', so does she never show affection physically at all? =/
It's a tricky situation - you are not at all wrong to want more from the relationship, sex is staple for many and it isn't shallow to desire it. However, this is clearly an instance where your girlfriend really, really needs your support. It might not seem that way because she is locking you out, in a way, however I think that if you were to leave her now after two years it could really hurt her self-esteem. That's not to say you should be responsible for that at all, but as someone who loves her that much it is of course something to care about. I don't think she is 'crazy' and really think if this is the only issue with the relationship, you should not give up too soon.
I don't think it is caused by abuse, as I am sure she would have mentioned - then again I guess there is the chance she might not have told me. I do know what you mean by that, I am just concerned to suggest that to her - she was once having a hard time adjusting to university life and I suggested she talks to a counselor just to make it easier, and she reacted badly saying she isn't 'mad'. I fear she might do the same now, and just withdraw more into herself and get more worried if I tell her to see a Dr.
She seems to be very turned on (in terms of natural lubricant) by oral, by me touching her and rubbing her, etc - she enjoys that, but never initiates it with me. She very rarely initiates these things with me, and when I talk about oral it's about me giving it to her - she is unwilling to do so to me.
I agree - I want to help more than anything, and I am trying to stick by her. Believe me I try my best every day to manage my desires and support her. Just wish I could see more results.
Original post by manunitedlover
I would encourage her but I fear this may scare her more, and make her more anxious - the idea that there might be something medically wrong with her. :\ She does have a problem using tampons and has told me that she will try using them again before we try having sex, in the hope it helps open her up.
It seems most likely (but not certain) that she has vaginismus. It's a condition where inserting anything into the vagina causes a painful muscle spasm/contraction, to the point that it can close up. Women with this problem who don't know what it is often (falsely) believe their vagina is abnormally small.
It's related to anxiety and psychological factors, but obviously having such a problem would make anyone anxious of penetration, because it really hurts - hence a vicious cycle is established.
A lot of girls discover that they have this problem when they first use tampons. In varying degrees, it is very common.
Vaginismus is a treatable condition. People can get completely better from it and have perfectly normal sex lives. But only if they seek the right help.
Otherwise this could become something which really spoils your girlfriend's sexual (and even reproductive) life.
I really urge you to persuade your girlfriend to go to the doctor about this. I'm sure there is a way you could put this across without frightening her. Make it about the potential to get help and for things to improve, rather than something to worry about. Maybe if she doesn't want to go herself at first, make an appointment for yourself to go. You could describe the problem to the GP, and they might be able to offer you advice or a leaflet to give to your girlfriend. Or you could look up this condition online and encourage her to look at some information, see if she recognises any signs?
If she realised there was a simple, non-dangerous cause, which was actually really common (not something horribly wrong with her!) and could be treated, she would go to the doctor, surely. And immediately feel quite relieved I'd imagine.
I've never had vaginismus but I've spoken to a lot of women who have and my best friend also had a lot of problems with it and went through the whole treatment (it does take time) and your girlfriend's story is really ringing familiar bells.
Yeah, I think I had mild vaginismus a while back. I NEVER used tampons when I was a virgin because it hurt so much to put them in, and I was absolutely terrified of having sex (which is why I waited until I was 20!). I actually made a thread on here about my fear of sex once upon a time. But once I'd done it it was a real relief and I quickly got better. I am not sure the tampon thing will necessarily help purely because I tried many times to use them and couldn't do it which upset me a lot.
I was a bit like your girlfriend in that even just boyfriends bringing sex up or asking about it would make me feel pressured even though they were actually all very kind and generous about it. The boyfriend I lost my virginity to in the end never even expressed a keen desire to have sex, he just shrugged and said things were awesome as they were and we could have sex if/when I wanted. This helped me a lot because it completely took the pressure off, and I ended up initiating it myself when I was ready! (After that we f***ed like bunnies, if that reassures you at all.) But I'm not suggesting you do that necessarily because it's not really fair on you to tell you you should totally ignore your needs.
This is a difficult situation because at the moment your girlfriend views it as a problem to get over for your sake rather than something she should be working on for her own pleasure and enjoyment and fulfilment. This causes feelings of pressure and guilt (which are clearly coming from her and not from you!) But it's difficult to know what you could do to get around this because she will shut off. Do you know if she's talked to any female friends about this? She would probably find it reassuring to talk to a woman, especially one who went through a similar thing.
Does she recognise that there is no way she is "too small", logically speaking, even if that is the way she feels? If she can acknowledge that then perhaps she will be more interested in doing something about it.
I was a bit like your girlfriend in that even just boyfriends bringing sex up or asking about it would make me feel pressured even though they were actually all very kind and generous about it. The boyfriend I lost my virginity to in the end never even expressed a keen desire to have sex, he just shrugged and said things were awesome as they were and we could have sex if/when I wanted. This helped me a lot because it completely took the pressure off, and I ended up initiating it myself when I was ready! (After that we f***ed like bunnies, if that reassures you at all.) But I'm not suggesting you do that necessarily because it's not really fair on you to tell you you should totally ignore your needs.
This is a difficult situation because at the moment your girlfriend views it as a problem to get over for your sake rather than something she should be working on for her own pleasure and enjoyment and fulfilment. This causes feelings of pressure and guilt (which are clearly coming from her and not from you!) But it's difficult to know what you could do to get around this because she will shut off. Do you know if she's talked to any female friends about this? She would probably find it reassuring to talk to a woman, especially one who went through a similar thing.
Does she recognise that there is no way she is "too small", logically speaking, even if that is the way she feels? If she can acknowledge that then perhaps she will be more interested in doing something about it.
When you say you've had sex twice do you mean properly or that you just attempted to? I'm confused as to why this is like overcoming an obstacle if she has in fact lost her virginity with you. Did it hurt her the first few times you tried?
It also sounds a bit concerning that you say you do a lot of foreplay but she's always receiving but not giving. She should at least be trying to fulfil your needs in other ways if you can't have penetrative sex, does she have an interest in other forms of sexual activity?
If you think it's an issue of low sex drive you could suggest she try some of those herbal libido boosting tablets, they're kind of like female viagra, they increase blood flow to the nether regions and induce more natural lubrication, Gold Max Pink is very highly rated by women with low sex drive issues. It may be worth a try just to get past the initial fear
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It also sounds a bit concerning that you say you do a lot of foreplay but she's always receiving but not giving. She should at least be trying to fulfil your needs in other ways if you can't have penetrative sex, does she have an interest in other forms of sexual activity?
If you think it's an issue of low sex drive you could suggest she try some of those herbal libido boosting tablets, they're kind of like female viagra, they increase blood flow to the nether regions and induce more natural lubrication, Gold Max Pink is very highly rated by women with low sex drive issues. It may be worth a try just to get past the initial fear
Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by Anonymous
Yeah, I think I had mild vaginismus a while back. I NEVER used tampons when I was a virgin because it hurt so much to put them in, and I was absolutely terrified of having sex (which is why I waited until I was 20!). I actually made a thread on here about my fear of sex once upon a time. But once I'd done it it was a real relief and I quickly got better. I am not sure the tampon thing will necessarily help purely because I tried many times to use them and couldn't do it which upset me a lot.
I was a bit like your girlfriend in that even just boyfriends bringing sex up or asking about it would make me feel pressured even though they were actually all very kind and generous about it. The boyfriend I lost my virginity to in the end never even expressed a keen desire to have sex, he just shrugged and said things were awesome as they were and we could have sex if/when I wanted. This helped me a lot because it completely took the pressure off, and I ended up initiating it myself when I was ready! (After that we f***ed like bunnies, if that reassures you at all.) But I'm not suggesting you do that necessarily because it's not really fair on you to tell you you should totally ignore your needs.
This is a difficult situation because at the moment your girlfriend views it as a problem to get over for your sake rather than something she should be working on for her own pleasure and enjoyment and fulfilment. This causes feelings of pressure and guilt (which are clearly coming from her and not from you!) But it's difficult to know what you could do to get around this because she will shut off. Do you know if she's talked to any female friends about this? She would probably find it reassuring to talk to a woman, especially one who went through a similar thing.
Does she recognise that there is no way she is "too small", logically speaking, even if that is the way she feels? If she can acknowledge that then perhaps she will be more interested in doing something about it.
I was a bit like your girlfriend in that even just boyfriends bringing sex up or asking about it would make me feel pressured even though they were actually all very kind and generous about it. The boyfriend I lost my virginity to in the end never even expressed a keen desire to have sex, he just shrugged and said things were awesome as they were and we could have sex if/when I wanted. This helped me a lot because it completely took the pressure off, and I ended up initiating it myself when I was ready! (After that we f***ed like bunnies, if that reassures you at all.) But I'm not suggesting you do that necessarily because it's not really fair on you to tell you you should totally ignore your needs.
This is a difficult situation because at the moment your girlfriend views it as a problem to get over for your sake rather than something she should be working on for her own pleasure and enjoyment and fulfilment. This causes feelings of pressure and guilt (which are clearly coming from her and not from you!) But it's difficult to know what you could do to get around this because she will shut off. Do you know if she's talked to any female friends about this? She would probably find it reassuring to talk to a woman, especially one who went through a similar thing.
Does she recognise that there is no way she is "too small", logically speaking, even if that is the way she feels? If she can acknowledge that then perhaps she will be more interested in doing something about it.
Thank you very much for the reply. I've told my girlfriend many times that she has to have confidence from within, and that she needs to do things for herself. I've told her I love her and want to help her, but she takes this as pressure from me. I don't think she has talked to friends about it, I think she is worried about being judged.
I have told her that she can't be too small, and she has looked into it but hasn't told me what she found out - just that she will try tampons and see if that helps (which it probably won't).
Original post by sarahcj95
When you say you've had sex twice do you mean properly or that you just attempted to? I'm confused as to why this is like overcoming an obstacle if she has in fact lost her virginity with you. Did it hurt her the first few times you tried?
It also sounds a bit concerning that you say you do a lot of foreplay but she's always receiving but not giving. She should at least be trying to fulfil your needs in other ways if you can't have penetrative sex, does she have an interest in other forms of sexual activity?
If you think it's an issue of low sex drive you could suggest she try some of those herbal libido boosting tablets, they're kind of like female viagra, they increase blood flow to the nether regions and induce more natural lubrication, Gold Max Pink is very highly rated by women with low sex drive issues. It may be worth a try just to get past the initial fear
Posted from TSR Mobile
It also sounds a bit concerning that you say you do a lot of foreplay but she's always receiving but not giving. She should at least be trying to fulfil your needs in other ways if you can't have penetrative sex, does she have an interest in other forms of sexual activity?
If you think it's an issue of low sex drive you could suggest she try some of those herbal libido boosting tablets, they're kind of like female viagra, they increase blood flow to the nether regions and induce more natural lubrication, Gold Max Pink is very highly rated by women with low sex drive issues. It may be worth a try just to get past the initial fear
Posted from TSR Mobile
Well we attempted to twice, yes - both times I managed to go inside her briefly but she pulled away in pain, even though she was very naturally lubricated. Being a boy with little sex education (thanks Catholic school) I thought this was normal and that it is meant to hurt at first till it gets easier. Obviously I realised soon after that isn't the case.
Yes, we are very different in terms of our sexual confidence. Well, maybe not actually. I'm very happy giving her oral and she's comfortable being naked around me - but she never undresses me, and used to give me handjobs but now only rubs me through clothes. I do not feel physically wanted at all and it is quite damaging for my confidence, when all this time I am trying to help her.
Thank you, I will try and suggest it to her. Don't think it will go down well though. :\
Hmm, have you tried artificial lubrication? I also got into my first relationship when I was almost 17, I was a virgin and hadn't had a partner before, it took 5 attempts for me but we got there after a month of trying. For me it was a matter of taking the pressure off myself expecting everything to go smoothly, relaxing and using plenty of lube. On any of your attempts did your girlfriend go on top? She can be more in control then which might make it easier for her.
I know it must be very difficult for your girlfriend and it sounds like you've been very good to her. However it seems like she is being quite selfish and self absorbed about the matter, not taking into account how this affects you or catering to you at all. If she refuses to listen to advice or follow suggestions it seems as if she doesn't want to address the matter which isn't fair on you and also means you are both missing out on the intimacy and physical connection which is so important in a long term relationship.
I think it may be time to make this a little bit less about her and more about the both of you. 2 years is a long time to pretty much not be sexually active whilst in a long term relationship, especially at your age. I think it's important that you judge how likely it is that this situation will change anytime soon and whether or not you can really wait and still be happy
I hope you can get things sorted soon
Posted from TSR Mobile
I know it must be very difficult for your girlfriend and it sounds like you've been very good to her. However it seems like she is being quite selfish and self absorbed about the matter, not taking into account how this affects you or catering to you at all. If she refuses to listen to advice or follow suggestions it seems as if she doesn't want to address the matter which isn't fair on you and also means you are both missing out on the intimacy and physical connection which is so important in a long term relationship.
I think it may be time to make this a little bit less about her and more about the both of you. 2 years is a long time to pretty much not be sexually active whilst in a long term relationship, especially at your age. I think it's important that you judge how likely it is that this situation will change anytime soon and whether or not you can really wait and still be happy
I hope you can get things sorted soon
Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by sarahcj95
Hmm, have you tried artificial lubrication? I also got into my first relationship when I was almost 17, I was a virgin and hadn't had a partner before, it took 5 attempts for me but we got there after a month of trying. For me it was a matter of taking the pressure off myself expecting everything to go smoothly, relaxing and using plenty of lube. On any of your attempts did your girlfriend go on top? She can be more in control then which might make it easier for her.
I know it must be very difficult for your girlfriend and it sounds like you've been very good to her. However it seems like she is being quite selfish and self absorbed about the matter, not taking into account how this affects you or catering to you at all. If she refuses to listen to advice or follow suggestions it seems as if she doesn't want to address the matter which isn't fair on you and also means you are both missing out on the intimacy and physical connection which is so important in a long term relationship.
I think it may be time to make this a little bit less about her and more about the both of you. 2 years is a long time to pretty much not be sexually active whilst in a long term relationship, especially at your age. I think it's important that you judge how likely it is that this situation will change anytime soon and whether or not you can really wait and still be happy
I hope you can get things sorted soon
Posted from TSR Mobile
I know it must be very difficult for your girlfriend and it sounds like you've been very good to her. However it seems like she is being quite selfish and self absorbed about the matter, not taking into account how this affects you or catering to you at all. If she refuses to listen to advice or follow suggestions it seems as if she doesn't want to address the matter which isn't fair on you and also means you are both missing out on the intimacy and physical connection which is so important in a long term relationship.
I think it may be time to make this a little bit less about her and more about the both of you. 2 years is a long time to pretty much not be sexually active whilst in a long term relationship, especially at your age. I think it's important that you judge how likely it is that this situation will change anytime soon and whether or not you can really wait and still be happy
I hope you can get things sorted soon
Posted from TSR Mobile
We have not tried it, though I have suggested it on multiple tomes, but she seems to think that using something like that is admitting there is something wrong with her. When obviously that is far from the truth, and a lot of people used it first time. Know it would make things so much easier and might just try putting it on the condom myself anyway, as that's my choice. She hasn't gone on top as I don't think she is confident enough yet, but I will suggest it.
I try my best, but yes the longer it goes on, the more selfish I feel she is. I feel like denying her the pleasure she enjoys to show her how it feels, but don't think this will make it any better. It has led to me masturbating very frequently to just try and stop the urges.
You're right. I have tried judging that, and think I will wait until after she tries the tampons to tell her that she seriously needs to change or face the relationship going stale. I know how important patience and understanding is, but after two years of acting in the best way I an possibly try to, I have to think of my happiness and let her know that things can't continue as they are.
The more you explain this situation the more I have no sympathy for her. I'm not sure if she's like that with all situations but she is making excuses it sounds. If she thinks using lube means there's something wrong with her she either has way too much pride or just is trying to make an issue out of everything and anything. Also to not be confident enough to go on top after being with you for 2 years doesn't quite sound right. Once again it sounds like an excuse. If she was genuinely trying to fix this than fair enough but I'm afraid it doesn't sound like she is ready to change now or any time soon. Sorry for the lack of optimism but to be in a relationship for that long and not care at all for your partners sexual desires or pleasure is wrong, I am talking from a more personal standpoint here as I just don't have the patience for people who always make excuses and refuse to help themselves but I'm sure you're getting pretty damn frustrated and it's not healthy. I would be a bit more assertive since your patience and sensitivity seems to be getting thrown right back in your face
Posted from TSR Mobile
Posted from TSR Mobile
I know someone similar to this who I was at school with.
A guy was completely in love with her and stood by her for two years under the "no sex" regime.
They then broke up to go away to uni.
She bangs a guy in week 1 of freshers week.
The point from this is, once you have said to someone that you can't do it yet, every day it gets harder to break that cycle.
I think you might have missed your chance mate, and don't hang on just for her sake.
Leave and bury your chap in someone else
A guy was completely in love with her and stood by her for two years under the "no sex" regime.
They then broke up to go away to uni.
She bangs a guy in week 1 of freshers week.
The point from this is, once you have said to someone that you can't do it yet, every day it gets harder to break that cycle.
I think you might have missed your chance mate, and don't hang on just for her sake.
Leave and bury your chap in someone else
Original post by manunitedlover
Thank you very much for the reply. I've told my girlfriend many times that she has to have confidence from within, and that she needs to do things for herself. I've told her I love her and want to help her, but she takes this as pressure from me. I don't think she has talked to friends about it, I think she is worried about being judged.
I have told her that she can't be too small, and she has looked into it but hasn't told me what she found out - just that she will try tampons and see if that helps (which it probably won't).
Well we attempted to twice, yes - both times I managed to go inside her briefly but she pulled away in pain, even though she was very naturally lubricated. Being a boy with little sex education (thanks Catholic school) I thought this was normal and that it is meant to hurt at first till it gets easier. Obviously I realised soon after that isn't the case.
Yes, we are very different in terms of our sexual confidence. Well, maybe not actually. I'm very happy giving her oral and she's comfortable being naked around me - but she never undresses me, and used to give me handjobs but now only rubs me through clothes. I do not feel physically wanted at all and it is quite damaging for my confidence, when all this time I am trying to help her.
Thank you, I will try and suggest it to her. Don't think it will go down well though. :\
I have told her that she can't be too small, and she has looked into it but hasn't told me what she found out - just that she will try tampons and see if that helps (which it probably won't).
Well we attempted to twice, yes - both times I managed to go inside her briefly but she pulled away in pain, even though she was very naturally lubricated. Being a boy with little sex education (thanks Catholic school) I thought this was normal and that it is meant to hurt at first till it gets easier. Obviously I realised soon after that isn't the case.
Yes, we are very different in terms of our sexual confidence. Well, maybe not actually. I'm very happy giving her oral and she's comfortable being naked around me - but she never undresses me, and used to give me handjobs but now only rubs me through clothes. I do not feel physically wanted at all and it is quite damaging for my confidence, when all this time I am trying to help her.
Thank you, I will try and suggest it to her. Don't think it will go down well though. :\
[QUOTE="manunitedlover;47267978"]We have not tried it, though I have suggested it on multiple tomes, but she seems to think that using something like that is admitting there is something wrong with her. When obviously that is far from the truth, and a lot of people used it first time. Know it would make things so much easier and might just try putting it on the condom myself anyway, as that's my choice. She hasn't gone on top as I don't think she is confident enough yet, but I will suggest it.
I try my best, but yes the longer it goes on, the more selfish I feel she is. I feel like denying her the pleasure she enjoys to show her how it feels, but don't think this will make it any better. It has led to me masturbating very frequently to just try and stop the urges.
Hmmm. Firstly, with the selfish thing. Ultimately it's true that she is being selfish, but she may fear that doing things to you will make you more frustrated about not having sex, or worry in general about doing things "right" in the bedroom, perhaps due to the general bad association with that area of your relationship. In fact, it could be that the nerves she had at the outset are responsible both for the "pain" she feels (which may only be psychological) AND for her reluctance to return the favour. When I was virginal and really terrified of sex, I'm afraid that I was quite "selfish" as well. It wasn't so much that I wasn't interested in their pleasure but more being a bit afraid in general.
That being said, the boyfriends I never had sex with (2 of them) I was only with for a few months because I realised that I wasn't going to have sex with them any time soon and I felt really guilty about it so I ended things. (There were other reasons, but this was a strong contributing factor.) I can't imagine being with someone 2 years in the same situation!
I'm going to make a suggestion that may not be a good idea, but it could be something to think about. Going from Mr Sensitive to "put out or get out" is quite drastic. (Although I'm sure you weren't planning to put it like that.) Could you try an intermediate stage first, where you're firm/tough with her without piling the pressure on or giving ultimatums? I'm thinking that you need to not put up with her getting upset or comfort her immediately when she does. Remain calm and simply state the facts: that that you love her and you care about her and that she has to accept that while there is nothing "wrong with her", as her problem is common, it is something that she has to look into. It's for her own pleasure, as well as being for you, and she could get help for it easily. You could tell her that you looked into it yourself. She probably will be upset about this, but if you are firm then it may give her food for thought once she's calmed down. Just an idea.
Finally, I have heard of people finding that sex hurt the first few times as opposed to only the first. So there is still hope on that front.
Damn it, how did that happen?!?
It sounds like anxiety is the issue.
With my current bf, my 5th sexual partner, our sex life was great at first but after about 6 months we had problems. I hadn't been with someone with the same sex drive as me before so in those first few months we were at it like mad. Then I guess it got too much and suddenly sex would hurt after about 5 minutes, this got worse over a few months and I got more and more scared that it would hurt which made me anxious and made things even more awkward. When extra stress was added during the first few months of my MA it meant that the one night a week we did see each other it put a lot of pressure on us to make it a good night. Even using lube and lots of foreplay didn't work but seriously one night we were just tickling and play fighting and we got into it with no lube or foreplay. And now the cycle has been broken it's like it was before. You can try the adjustments like lube and foreplay but until she breaks the cycle of panic and anxiety nothing will happen. How she does that is up to her. But if she doesn't she is being selfish. Stop giving it to her too, it'll just placate her behaviour.
With my current bf, my 5th sexual partner, our sex life was great at first but after about 6 months we had problems. I hadn't been with someone with the same sex drive as me before so in those first few months we were at it like mad. Then I guess it got too much and suddenly sex would hurt after about 5 minutes, this got worse over a few months and I got more and more scared that it would hurt which made me anxious and made things even more awkward. When extra stress was added during the first few months of my MA it meant that the one night a week we did see each other it put a lot of pressure on us to make it a good night. Even using lube and lots of foreplay didn't work but seriously one night we were just tickling and play fighting and we got into it with no lube or foreplay. And now the cycle has been broken it's like it was before. You can try the adjustments like lube and foreplay but until she breaks the cycle of panic and anxiety nothing will happen. How she does that is up to her. But if she doesn't she is being selfish. Stop giving it to her too, it'll just placate her behaviour.
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