The Student Room Group

Still hurt and confused months after

I was 17 & got with a guy who was 25 and had a tough time but didn't realise until after. In relationships I've always waited months before having sex I like to get to know the person but the first time I was at his I was homeless after problems with my mum, when I cried he told me everything would be ok and made me feel safe then when his mum went up to bed and said I could sleep on their sofa he took my clothes off and climbed on top of me even though I said no. On other occasions he'd pull my head back or put his hands tight over my mouth and have sex with me. He took control of my facebook account and I wasn't allowed to wear anything he deemed short, I had to delete male friends and stop talking to them and stop seeing some of my even female friends. Literally all my time was spent on him and he argued with my mum and said things to me about her which drove a wedge even bigger between us so I moved in with my uncle. My boyfriend wanted me to get pregnant and when it didn't happen blamed it on me so I felt really rubbish, He stopped wanting to see me or talk to me and when I went to his for New Year he left all night to go to his friends to take cocaine and didn't come back till the late hours of the next morning, he'd tell me not to talk to him and then I found out he'd been cheating on me for 4 months.

I'm now starting to get my life back together, moved bck in with my mum but after this relationship I seem to be putting up a wall between me and others, I feel like I can't get into a relationship as I'm too afraid of it happening again and I feel scared of men
Hi Jess
Thank you for your message, I am really glad that you are looking for support as you don't have to try to cope with this alone.

It sounds like you were in an extremely abusive and controlling relationship which also included rape. This is a hugely traumatic experience to go through and I am very glad you are no longer in the relationship. Do you feel safe now? Does he try to contact you at all?

I am not surprised that you are now feeling anxious about relationships and this happening again. This is a totally normal reaction. I am wondering how much you have talked about what happened as this can really help. It may be helpful to have some counselling. You can either get a referral from your doctors (you don't have to give them all the details about what happened if you don't want to), or you could get support from a specialist domestic violence organisation. I am not sure where you live so you have a couple of options - you can private message me and tell me roughly where you are and I can look up the best local service for you, or you can google the area where you live plus 'domestic violence support' and it should come up with some local services. They should have outreach or drop in sessions as well as one to one counselling or groups that you can attend - they will all be free and confidential.

This is also a really good website that may help you: http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/

I think you have been really brave and strong and you just need to get some support to help you through this. None of this was your fault. Most guys are not abusive so hopefully this will never happen again but it can take a while to build your confidence back and learn to trust people again and that is ok. At least now you know some of the warning signs to look out for and how to get help if this ever did happen again.

I really hope this helps, come back and chat more anytime,
take care
Jo

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