Is your sex life misogynistic?

I actually recently had a very candid chat about "gender role" dynamics in the bedroom with one of my friends who identifies as pansexual. In my opinion some people are simply born "subs" and others "doms" and still others are "switches", so use the lingo. My friend is in a stable and completely equal relationship with a male, but she is also a submissive in bed. You'd never guess it from her outward demenor, but she simply can't get off unless she's in a submissive position. She needs to be called names and restrained in 'scenes' or else she simply doesn't enjoy herself.

For me, when I was still identifying as female, I found sex to be a chore because most of the men I dated at the time were dominants and I simply was not a submissive. I forced myself to act "subby" to please them (which was also part of the issue). But, then I met a male who was a sub in bed (again, I don't think dominant and submissive behaviour inside the bedroom has much to do with behavour outside of the bedroom) and I found that I enjoyed sex with him immensely because I always topped and I could to pull his hair and bite him etc. While I was still exploring I also dated a guy who was very much a dom in the bedroom (and again, a sweet, considerate, and loving person outside of it), and I HATED being in that position. I later slept with a girl who was sweet, shy, and soft-spoken by nature, but inside the bedroom I was shocked to find that she was into spanking her partner, face slapping, using words like "slut", and leaving bruises as well as spitting on her partners... (which wasn't enjoyable for me at all).

I don't think dom or sub behaviour in the bedroom has much to do with non-sexual activities or personality. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that "submissiveness" or "dominance" in the bedroom had to do with foetal hormone exposure, much like sexual orientation and gender identity.

Though you might not get off on being called "whore", some girls do and so do some guys. It's just another one of those interesting facets of human sexuality that we probably won't ever compleately understand. I think it is important that you communicate with your partner(s) so that they know what is kosher in bed ahead of time and so you know what they are into. Going back to my experience with the girl who was secretly a dom, I would have REALLY benefitted from knowing what she was into ahead of time. I think she was probably afraid that I'd back out of it once I knew and wanted to ease me into it... but yeah, don't do that!

Safe words are also important, I think, even if you are having sex that is completely vanilla. I was being pegged by a girl once and at one point it started to hurt like hell but do to a miscommunication she didn't know that I wanted to stop and I had to forcefully push her off to prevent myself from being injured and that completely killed the mood. Beyond making certain that your partner is always concenting to all that you'd like to engage in, safe words can also be used to call time-out if you are in pain in any way.

SET UP GROUND RULES BEFORE SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS HAPPEN! Everyone is better off that way: you know what not to do and also how to turn your partner on by finding out what both of you are into.

Pornography is another discussion for me, as I find much of it unethical and you are hard pressed to find any free and ethical porn sites. So, I'm just commenting on the idea of gender roles in the bedroom.

Also, you should check out this play by, Peter Ackerman. Your comment about racial slurs in bed reminded me of it.


tldr: Dominant and submissive sexual behaviour has nothing to do with sex, gender, or sexual orientation. Dom =/= male. Sub =/= female. Sexual preferences or vulgar language kinks =/= inherent sexism. If your partner is doing something that makes you feel uncomfortable in bed, say something! If your partner is not pleasing you, then don't just appease his or her ego by pretending to enjoy yourself. Sex should be fun for both parties.


Also, please please please, stop generalising all men and all women.

This is an awesome and amazing post I just thought I'd let you know

I'm a weird one, I like to bee dominant in initiating and at the start of engaging but then enjoy the man to become dominant. So kind of switch but also not...

I agree, that was a really good post. I'm similar to you, I 'switch' roles too. So its not weird

I justnprefer to initiate everything with guys! Even dates etc, I always wamt to be the approacher rather than the approachee. Guess I like things to be on my terms

Same here, my boyfriend finds it surprising that I like to pay for our dates sometimes and pick venues etc. I like being in control but I also like being submissive. I don't see how that can be explained by the things the op have said. Some people on these threads just over think things.

I do think porn can have an adverse effect on men thinking that is how to have sex, I've certainly experienced people whacking out porn moves with no warning, something I wasn't too chuffed about

But beyond that very little of the op stands

Thats very silly if some men think its some sort of guide.
Surely people that watch pornography, know that it couldn't possibly reflect real life. I mean you don't watch action movies like Fast and Furious then go outside and try and do 'drift moves' with your car.

Anyone that thinks pornography is a reflection of real sex and attempt to recreate it in real life is an idiot.

Yeah, I guess when you watch it from a young age though you find that's what gets you going and in the heat of the moment might think its a great idea?

I don't watch porn any more because I drifted into liking hardcore anal - both unethical because the woman generally seem to be hating it and the fact I really don't fancy it irl kind of disturbed me. It definitely messed up what turned me on :\

Hm, I see but I highly doubt that all men and women that watch porn are sexist. We like what we like right? I just don't agree with the OP's line of thought. I personally don't like pornography either, its too unrealistic and the women like you said, don't look like they're enjoying it.

I've watched porn star interviews and what they go through is horrible, it completely changed the way I perceived it. I really cannot comprehend why some people would willingly go into porn and then argue its 'empowering' its dehumanising in my opinion.

I agree it can have a negative impact on your sexual turn on's etc..

Oh for **** sake! Woman, jam that hype Your type of feminists are the reason why I'm ashamed to call myself a feminist!

Oh yeah that claim is a definite load of bull****!!

I can see why people used to do it, hell I would be tempted by that kind of money, but these days for a few hundred quid? Not thanks.

Feminists like you piss me off. What you're saying is the only correct way to act is the way you deem to be acceptable. Funny, that sounds a lot like the patriarchy.

Someone being into BDSM does not make them sexist.

So you don't your desire to make a woman submissive, restrain her and act rough is at all influenced by latent sexism? You just happen to like treating them like you're the owner and in control?

The most revealing part to this post is the last bit



Comes back to what I have always said, that what women say they want and what they reward are two different things

How did this guy get you into bad ? Did he just wave a magic wand ?

NO

You were 100% complicit in this. You agreed to him taking you to bed. You answered his calls. You responded to his texts. You agreed to meet up with him. You agreed to go to this place.

And guess you what ? Even after he called you a ****, you most likely still had sex with him

Finally - Women ARE sex objects.

We don't need women to discuss politics with or sports with, that's why we have men friends, to talk about the important stuff

Men have women around for someone to **** someone who will feed us at night and that is pretty much your function.

Women are sex objects, and guess what ? YOU ALWAYS HAVE BEEN

It's never stopped, yeah sure guys had to go underground for a bit and they still have to be underground in the office or at uni but nothing has changed.

In our culture women are often treated like objects, especially with women of colour and how we are exocitized and fetishized. I think it's important to take a look at our sex lives and examine the reasons behind what we like and if any of those are sinister.

Obviously a lot of men partake in finding sexually violent and vulgar imagery and words arousing. With violent adjectives like "destroyed", "pounded" and "banged" all being used akin to an attack on a passive dehumanised victim, a thing, an achievement and conquest to be proud of feed their masculinity performance. I think if the guys you are sleeping with get off on degrading and dominating you, you should look closely in to that and check if it's influenced by latent or even obvious misgyonistic views. You should also look in to why you like be controlled and shamed with words like "slut" during sex, and address if it's perhaps you internalising sexism and also a bit of stockholm sydrome. If I was a black woman and I was sleeping with a white guy who used a racist fancy during sex, I'd definitely find that suspect, and these sexist actions should be treated no differently.

Saying women liking dominant men becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy when we are constantly told this by society and not actually given a choice. Guys slave away in the gym obsessing over every muscle, worry about their penis size, their stamina, not because of the pleasure of the woman or her feelings, but because of how it makes themselves feel more masculine and like real men.

Every guy I have been with demonstrated things you see in graphic pornography and views of submissive women, this content is probably created for the misogynistic desire and not causing it, it just gives them more ideas. When 8 out of 10 guy call you a slut in bed and assume you like it that's a problem.