So your friend is being domestically abused..

Happens about once a month or so when her Father gets seriously drunk, takes out his anger on her grandmother (his own mother), your friend, and her mum.

I'm gonna stop talking in third person, it's pissing me off

But anyways, my friend has a horrible family life, i don't even know how she is revising at home for her A-Levels (getting Bs mostly might i add which is good considering how horrible her surroundings are). Her father doesn't allow her out of the house, she is literally scared if i ask her to go to a cafe with me for an hour or so. She's always complaining about her life on whatsapp and every annoying thing her dad does - so I did something about it.

I called every single organisation in our area asking for advice on what i can do etc because she refuses to call childline or anything so i did it all for her - i was completely confidential and just expressed the situation.

I've asked her what she wants to do about her dad - restraining order? jail? She says jail isn't bad enough - she evidently wants him out of her life.

Anyways, I did all this research for her and laid her cards out on the table, clearly. She just needs evidence and he can easily be sent to jail and have a restraining order - if he breaks the restraining order then he goes back to jail. Simple. But the evidence that is needed to support her case: recordings, pictures of bruises, letters etc are circulated through her family, then deleted because EVERYONE (inc her uncle, cousins aunts) are scared of her dad. And she just refuses to do anything about the situation because she believes her mum can sort it, that she can save them from their misery.

And to top it all off, her Mum is doing **** all. Just waiting for all her children to go off to university. Then what? deal with her husband herself? No, you do something about it now or not at all. She also has a big sister who has done exactly what the mum has instructed: go to university far far away - is there any support for the family now that she's a free woman? No. She's just spending her days partying all day whilst her family suffer. I'm not saying she should take up responsibility but honestly I've done more than she ever has and I'm not even a part of their family.

So, I don't know what to do - i'm severely frustrated at this and I don't know why. I've tried to think of ways of how I can help her, because to be honest i'm sick of her constant complaining on whatsapp, and her father can't get away with this.

TLDR: Friend domestically abused approximately once a month
No one doing anything about it, but me. She refuses to go see someone.
She wants her father out of her life... still refuses to do something about it
I've given her time
I develop an unnecesarily critical voice by the end of it, but - i just don't know what else i can do to help, i can't just leave it.

Reply 1

The pencil one

If she doesn't want to do anything about it, then you have to accept that.

Still try and don't give up, you're a good friend.

Reply 2

Messalina

I think unfortunately all you can do is make it very clear to her what her options are. Abuse situations are very complex and sometimes victims struggle to come to terms with how to fix it, because it involves lots of people close to them (her family in this case). Your best bet is to remain a solid and good friend for her while she goes through it, it can be frustrating but that's better for her than forcing her to do something she might not be ready for. Abuse situations are horrible :frown:

Reply 3

SamTheMan95

What a scumbag. Call the fuzz on him.

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

Original post by Messalina

Original post by The pencil one

If she doesn't want to do anything about it, then you have to accept that.

Still try and don't give up, you're a good friend.

I don't think I'm a good friend at all, i feel like i'm getting too involved and not acting as a 'friend' anymore and just adding more stress. Can't pretend anymore! Frustrates me!

Original post by SamTheMan95

What a scumbag. Call the fuzz on him.

I wish i could, but that is just so imposing and I don't want my friend to break down right when it's exam time. Maybe after exams are over :colone:

Reply 5

Messalina

Original post by Anonymous

I struggle to accept that there are complications and that it's difficult for her to express to me how she really feels. I don't like sending the same mediocre messages; "i'm so sorry" "he's being a dick" "you can get through this" because at this point I feel fake for pretending like all I can do is be a shoudler to cry on when this is a serious situation that has to be dealt with. In fact, I've actually stopped talking about this situation with her unless she's ready to let me help her do something, thankfully i have another friend who doesn't mind being the shoulder to cry on.

I don't think I'm a good friend at all, i feel like i'm getting too involved and not acting as a 'friend' anymore and just adding more stress. Can't pretend anymore! Frustrates me!

I wish i could, but that is just so imposing and I don't want my friend to break down right when it's exam time. Maybe after exams are over :colone:

Not to sound harsh, but your feelings aren't the most important thing in this situation. If you can't be supportive and impartial then perhaps you should take a step back, it's not technically your business and if you can't help then you shouldn't be a negative norman.

Reply 6

doodle_333

Original post by Messalina

this ^^

your friend is going through something really horrible and as much as you may not understand it is very hard for someone in that situation to just go to the police and fix it, even if it seems a solution to you, at the end of the day this man is still her dad and she may still love him even if she hates him when he drinks as well, and she is probably scared that if she takes action and it doesn't get prosecuted or something then her dad will be even more angry at her and hurt her more or she will lose the rest of her family if they are too scared to take a stand against him as well - this may seem simple to you but I promise you it isn't for her

it probably is hard for you as well, seeing a friend go through this and knowing there is a solution but she wont take it is hard and frustrating, but keep being there for her because eventually when she gets the courage to speak up it will be you she needs and you she turns to...

other things you can try could be going to the police yourself, I think they can pursue cases without a complaint made by the victim personally but bear in mind it might be hard for them to do and if her dad finds out he may take it out on your friend...or you could try and speak to her mum and say you know about the situation and are worried about your friend and think she needs support and offer her some contact numbers, although again bear in mind it wont be easy for her either

Reply 7

Georgie_M

Original post by Messalina

This. (sry no rep)

I don't really understand how you could have spoken to these organisations and still not understand abuse?

It it is extremely complex which is why so many women stay with their abusers and as her father is the abuser it makes it even more difficult. Obviously as from an objective standpoint it doesn't make sense but relationships, human interactions and emotions are not onjective. If it was no-one would ever be in an abusive situation, I have been and it is completely different to how you think it would be as an outsider. It is disempowering, degrading and confusing, when you are subject to abuse by a person who is supposed to love you it is hard to think straight because your emotions are constantly being played with and torn.

i know it is hard to stay supportive but she obviously thinks she has found someone she can confide in with you and it might be a nice thing to do to be there for her. If you are having trouble with that why not contact those organisations again and ask for information on how abuse affects individuals? It might help, failing that if you can't understand then you are perfectly within your rights to stop being supportive.