i don't understand the logic of.self acceptance
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Original post by Riku
Interesting again as you describe who I was before anxiety kicked in as well as who the guy friend my ex seems to like is now
ideals can differ considerably hmm
ideals can differ considerably hmm
wait, so is your ex actually going out with this guy or isn't she? because you keep talking about the guy she is "with" but it actually sounds like that isn't the case.
And I would like to point out that your ex almost certainly left you because your paranoia and anxiety made being around you soul draining rather than because she knew another guy who is taller and more handsome. All girls know a guy taller and more handsome than their boyfriend, it generally doesn't result in them dumping them.
Original post by Riku
Because loving myself isn't going to get me a job!
Nor will self acceptance alone get me respect from others, or a girlfriend. And no I am not considering a gf atm with my precarius mental state
goes back to David Wong 6 Harsh Truths
Nor will self acceptance alone get me respect from others, or a girlfriend. And no I am not considering a gf atm with my precarius mental state
goes back to David Wong 6 Harsh Truths
In which case, just concentrate on what matters to you and screw the rest of the world! Do well in your exams and succeed! You could also throw in a bit of hedonism in your free time - it's always fun, unless you are the sort who'll feel guilty
Original post by Riku
Ideally one should not expect so much , but objectively the man can potentially reach something resembling Atlas through the methods described in my post...
The point is, why should he have to? Do you lay the same expectations on women? Have they gotta be loyal and crazy in bed, toned, slim, busty, hourglass princesses who can cook, clean, are great with kids, go to the gym, are extremely beautiful but don't flaunt it, are willing to pay for meals but let you pay instead, eat salads and write poetry, volunteer at the homeless shelter four times a week, love animals, never don't wear a dress, can manage eight inch heels, get on great with every member of your family and want sex every night of the week?
People that 'perfect' just don't exist. Perfection in and of itself is a highly relative, subjective and inherently flawed concept.
I can certainly understand someone being those things because they genuinely want to be, but I would imagine anybody who is as I've described solely because they fear rejection for their 'flaws' are deeply unhappy people.
Society doesn't, and never has, understand the individual, yet so many individuals seem to blindly accept society's consensus on what an individual must be.
Being down-to-Earth and accepting both her own flaws and mine ranks much higher on the list of things I want in a partner than any of this stuff.
Original post by Riku
BUt is unattractive, and between flawed and flawlessone will always be attracted to flawless :-S
But yes you can, if you committed yourself to a lifetime of clean foods, intense workouts, coming top of your class and competition every time in everything by studying and working night and day and reading everything there is to know about success and self improvement in every area of your life be it relationships, socialising, goal based art form or career then you coild effectively become the best person on the planet. Which is not perfect but is the 95% perfect.
But yes you can, if you committed yourself to a lifetime of clean foods, intense workouts, coming top of your class and competition every time in everything by studying and working night and day and reading everything there is to know about success and self improvement in every area of your life be it relationships, socialising, goal based art form or career then you coild effectively become the best person on the planet. Which is not perfect but is the 95% perfect.
Haha. Love it. No you can't.
Train as hard as you like, it won't make you happy.
You need to pursue happiness not perfection; the irony is that only the highly insecure (read: flawed through lack of confidence) do this. I used to and now I realise; being fitter, smarter, richer than others doesn't make me feel better.
Doing things I enjoy with people I like makes me feel better.
I am not advocating a lack of ambition or competitive spirit. I am highly competitive and ambitious; but if you don't accept who you are then you are simply afraid of rejection and are projecting your insecurities.
Nothing wrong with making yourself better, but be happy with the base state.
Original post by Riku
BUt is unattractive, and between flawed and flawlessone will always be attracted to flawless :-S
And? No human is perfect. what does being perfect mean? it is as it is, IMHO.
Original post by Riku
But yes you can, if you committed yourself to a lifetime of clean foods, intense workouts, coming top of your class and competition every time in everything by studying and working night and day and reading everything there is to know about success and self improvement in every area of your life be it relationships, socialising, goal based art form or career then you coild effectively become the best person on the planet. Which is not perfect but is the 95% perfect.
But yes you can, if you committed yourself to a lifetime of clean foods, intense workouts, coming top of your class and competition every time in everything by studying and working night and day and reading everything there is to know about success and self improvement in every area of your life be it relationships, socialising, goal based art form or career then you coild effectively become the best person on the planet. Which is not perfect but is the 95% perfect.
And then you reach the end of your life and realise you've wasted so much time bettering yourself that you've missed out on all the things that make life worth living.
Our flaws, more so than our strengths, make us who we are.
Riku, your issue is that you have this idea that a person should always be judged, always be ascribed a 'worth' for particular characteristics of their person. And you seem to measure your own worth against an idealized picture of what a male 'should be'. That's a problem, because what a male 'should be' is a fiction. If you generate an idea of what a male 'should be' then tell yourself society demands it from you - you live with unrealistic, and frankly unfounded and unnecessary, expectations on yourself.
Think of it this way.
If you look around you, how many women in your social circles do you admire or find attractive? Then ask yourself, how different are they against one another? For what reasons do you find them attractive? What about them, do you admire?
I can bet that you don't look at all these women with the same cynical eye that you view yourself. If they have a 'flaw', it probably isn't a big deal, it may not even be seen by you as a 'flaw', but simply a quirk. You seem to try to second guess society's ideals in order to find out what you are, but really, the issue is that you need to discover what you actually are, without attaching a fabricated 'score' to every trait of yours.
So what are you? Ask yourself that. Don't ask 'what score do I get for being this?' or 'I am level 45 on this but society wants me to be level 85'. Screw that. What do YOU want to be, for yourself? For your own happiness? For your own contentment.
It can be really hard to break this cycle of measuring everything you are against what you have been conditioned to believe you 'must be', but you've gotta break down that barrier cause as ironic as it sounds, being self-sure isn't ever about 'attaining perfection', or about having the stones to submit to all these fabricated essential human traits, it's about having the stones to not care to try. Once you realize there is no perfection, no all-winning formula that'll bring you everything you ever wanted and have women adoring you, that's when you'll feel great with yourself, you'll realize you don't need any of that crap, and everybody is in the same boat with it. And once you feel great about yourself, who cares about stupid perfection?
Think of it this way.
If you look around you, how many women in your social circles do you admire or find attractive? Then ask yourself, how different are they against one another? For what reasons do you find them attractive? What about them, do you admire?
I can bet that you don't look at all these women with the same cynical eye that you view yourself. If they have a 'flaw', it probably isn't a big deal, it may not even be seen by you as a 'flaw', but simply a quirk. You seem to try to second guess society's ideals in order to find out what you are, but really, the issue is that you need to discover what you actually are, without attaching a fabricated 'score' to every trait of yours.
So what are you? Ask yourself that. Don't ask 'what score do I get for being this?' or 'I am level 45 on this but society wants me to be level 85'. Screw that. What do YOU want to be, for yourself? For your own happiness? For your own contentment.
It can be really hard to break this cycle of measuring everything you are against what you have been conditioned to believe you 'must be', but you've gotta break down that barrier cause as ironic as it sounds, being self-sure isn't ever about 'attaining perfection', or about having the stones to submit to all these fabricated essential human traits, it's about having the stones to not care to try. Once you realize there is no perfection, no all-winning formula that'll bring you everything you ever wanted and have women adoring you, that's when you'll feel great with yourself, you'll realize you don't need any of that crap, and everybody is in the same boat with it. And once you feel great about yourself, who cares about stupid perfection?
(edited 9 years ago)
Original post by lucaf
wait, so is your ex actually going out with this guy or isn't she? because you keep talking about the guy she is "with" but it actually sounds like that isn't the case.
And I would like to point out that your ex almost certainly left you because your paranoia and anxiety made being around you soul draining rather than because she knew another guy who is taller and more handsome. All girls know a guy taller and more handsome than their boyfriend, it generally doesn't result in them dumping them.
And I would like to point out that your ex almost certainly left you because your paranoia and anxiety made being around you soul draining rather than because she knew another guy who is taller and more handsome. All girls know a guy taller and more handsome than their boyfriend, it generally doesn't result in them dumping them.
There's no way of knowing, she ignored me for most of Easter and I blocked her for finals
well it wasn't just looks, he made her laugh more and ultimately it seems she enjoys his company more than mine. Before I blocked her she was ignoring my friend request but posting stuff to him. Whether or not that means anything idk. But I started getting these signs in November BEFORE paranoia kicked in
obsession regarding the alpha male existed before going out with her however
Original post by Riku
Hmm
i am currently a bit narcissistic
i am currently a bit narcissistic
Well yes obviously the type of perfection you indicated is highly narcissistic and self-obsessed. Don't worry though as humans we are inherently narcissistic, but that's why I think opposing aims indicate a higher level of perfection.
Original post by PricklyPorcupine
See a counsellor about it then. You are insecure. You are halfway to solving a problem if you can recognise and admit it
I see a counsellor :-S
Original post by natninja
In which case, just concentrate on what matters to you and screw the rest of the world! Do well in your exams and succeed! You could also throw in a bit of hedonism in your free time - it's always fun, unless you are the sort who'll feel guilty
I take things way too seriously these days. It's worse when I've been drinki g or haven't slept :-/
Original post by Riku
Well my reasoning follows a cold logic trying to determine an objective and successful formula for happiness success and attraction that I am frequently told does not exist because humans are imperfect creatures of emotion.
It's ironic that people simultaneously describe me as an overly emotional and needy boy
It's ironic that people simultaneously describe me as an overly emotional and needy boy
You can not find one, and your attempt to do so is illogical and as such you are not like the Vulcans. You are trying to find a formula for happiness, something that in itself is illogical, therefore trying to you logical means to find something illogical is in itself illogical. Next, you are trying to say humans can be perfect. So, let us say that a person can be perfect. Note that this would be a completely perfect person. This person would be hated by people for being perfect, which in itself would make this person not perfect. Therefore it is proven that a person can not be perfect. As such, trying to be perfect is illogical and your entire idea falls to pieces.
Original post by Riku
I completely understand showing your best qualities and improving yourself. I do not understand being prepared to admit your lesser qualities to people or even being content with the way you are, that you are an imperfect human being and that is actually ok?! Surely you should just improve everything and reach perfection, given a choice between someone 90% perfect and 95% perfect you will always choose the 95% perfect person ofc?!
It is just completely illogical to think that revealing that you are not as superhuman and godly as someone once thought you were is going to do anything except slightly turn them off you and make them look for the more perfect person
It is just completely illogical to think that revealing that you are not as superhuman and godly as someone once thought you were is going to do anything except slightly turn them off you and make them look for the more perfect person
You seem to be assuming that self-acceptance is incompatible with ambition, which I'm not sure is necessarily the case.
You can't really measure someone like that. You might think someone is 90% perfect where as in my opinion they would 40% perfect. Everyone values different aspects of your personality. Some things could be flaws in your opinion but another person might not see it as a flaw at all.
Of course you should always try and improve and develop yourself, but you need to be able to love yourself the way you are as well.
Of course you should always try and improve and develop yourself, but you need to be able to love yourself the way you are as well.
We all can't afford plastic surgery, be geniuses or be affable. That's why self acceptance is most logical. Why let things you can't change or have little motivation to change consume you. They is so much to life and to a person, than looks or wealth or brilliance. Whenever you have depressed thoughts, always think but this is just a moment in my life, a speck in time, my thoughts and breaths are a significant nothing in the vastness of the universe. They is nothing you are thinking or been through that millions of other humans, in lives now long gone and forgotten in time, have not felt and survived. If this life is so bad, hope the next one in 2.5 million years is a dream.
Original post by nohaynada
Wow you must be really insecure. That's not what self-acceptance is.
You're just now getting that Riku is really insecure.
Original post by Riku
BUt is unattractive, and between flawed and flawlessone will always be attracted to flawless :-S
But yes you can, if you committed yourself to a lifetime of clean foods, intense workouts, coming top of your class and competition every time in everything by studying and working night and day and reading everything there is to know about success and self improvement in every area of your life be it relationships, socialising, goal based art form or career then you coild effectively become the best person on the planet. Which is not perfect but is the 95% perfect.
But yes you can, if you committed yourself to a lifetime of clean foods, intense workouts, coming top of your class and competition every time in everything by studying and working night and day and reading everything there is to know about success and self improvement in every area of your life be it relationships, socialising, goal based art form or career then you coild effectively become the best person on the planet. Which is not perfect but is the 95% perfect.
I would find somebody like that hideously boring, you can't read yourself into having a personality, and also how would you able to sustain studying and work night and day, whilst maintaining socialising, your goal based art form, and the other things your suppose to be reading up on...you can't predict every outcome and experience to read up on prior to that. of course I always think you can strive to improve as many areas of your life as you can, but you should never obsess on reaching "perfection", as nobody else is perfect is either, so even if it was near obtainale, im sure it wouldnt be universally appreciated...or some other *******s im making up.
Alright TSR, the truth is I've always had social anxiety and felt a little like I didn't fit in, but since I developed anxiety problems
I have on off social phobia. I h
Each time anxiety strikes as different obsessions
in 2010-11 it was a belief I was dying/had heart disease so eating and exercise became scary. It stll is a bit
in 2012 it was this notion of being an alpha male who everyone looks up to and girls fall for. Crucial to this for me was going to the gym, thanks BB misc
This along with 'being a man' and growing up but in process took life way too seriously (remember I often think I'm dying)
but it was also thinking I have to not upset my parents by not being obsessed with gym equals don't go to gym which just raised my stress and made me feel depressed. Also means eat lots of cake (all or nothing, think literally)
last year it was those two plus my ex gf and her guy friend, basically the alpha male thing although tbh he is just another cute geeky guy without huuge insecurities. By the looks of it he's still insecure and not this sex god I make him out to be...
Then there are some very weird obsessive thoyghts which I won't go into
of all of these there is underlying
general social anxiety and awk at hiding stuff irl esp in a drinking culture
Plus fears of growing up, my career path, the future, all my friends moving on etc.
Idk whether that helps
I have on off social phobia. I h
Each time anxiety strikes as different obsessions
in 2010-11 it was a belief I was dying/had heart disease so eating and exercise became scary. It stll is a bit
in 2012 it was this notion of being an alpha male who everyone looks up to and girls fall for. Crucial to this for me was going to the gym, thanks BB misc
This along with 'being a man' and growing up but in process took life way too seriously (remember I often think I'm dying)
but it was also thinking I have to not upset my parents by not being obsessed with gym equals don't go to gym which just raised my stress and made me feel depressed. Also means eat lots of cake (all or nothing, think literally)
last year it was those two plus my ex gf and her guy friend, basically the alpha male thing although tbh he is just another cute geeky guy without huuge insecurities. By the looks of it he's still insecure and not this sex god I make him out to be...
Then there are some very weird obsessive thoyghts which I won't go into
of all of these there is underlying
general social anxiety and awk at hiding stuff irl esp in a drinking culture
Plus fears of growing up, my career path, the future, all my friends moving on etc.
Idk whether that helps
Original post by bananaterracottapie
I would find somebody like that hideously boring, you can't read yourself into having a personality, and also how would you able to sustain studying and work night and day, whilst maintaining socialising, your goal based art form, and the other things your suppose to be reading up on...you can't predict every outcome and experience to read up on prior to that. of course I always think you can strive to improve as many areas of your life as you can, but you should never obsess on reaching "perfection", as nobody else is perfect is either, so even if it was near obtainale, im sure it wouldnt be universally appreciated...or some other *******s im making up.
You can't read yourself into having a personality?
But I like books :-/
Original post by Riku
completely understand showing your best qualities and improving yourself. I do noand being prepared to admit your lesser qualities to people or even being content with the way you are, that you are an imperfect human being and that is actually ok?! Surely you should just improve everything and reach perfection, given a choice between someone 90% perfect and 95% perfect you will always choose the 95% perfect person ofc?!
It is just completely illogical to think that revealing that you are not as superhuman and godly as someone once thought you were is going to do anything except slightly turn them off you and make them look for the more perfect person
It is just completely illogical to think that revealing that you are not as superhuman and godly as someone once thought you were is going to do anything except slightly turn them off you and make them look for the more perfect person
People don't want to date androids, Riku. ( unless it's a weird fetish thing). How would you even determine how perfect a person is? . Finding a partner is not the same as shopping for a piece of furniture. You don't just replace the old one when as soon as a new shiny one is available.
Stop overanalysing everything and prioritise what makes you happy over what might make others happy. Stop obsessing over how others percieve you. You are extremely insecure and you need to work on that.
(edited 9 years ago)
