Not a natural conversationalist.

I know exactly what this feels like because I experience the exact same thing..

It feels really unnatural to be the one to initiate a conversation and then carry on with it seamlessly doesn't it? You see someone and you think "hey that person looks nice" and you want to talk to them but you just can't find it in yourself to strike a conversation or if that person talks to you first you get really nervous and insecure about what you say because you don't want to look like an idiot. I have friends but none that I'm close to because of this very problem. It's always a hit or miss for me.

I don't really know how to go about this either :/ people make it look so easy but it just feels so unnatural!


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I have a bit of a problem with speaking to other people. I'm not really comfortable with speaking to people in real life and it can show badly, I struggle to think of anything to say. I can have a conversation sometimes that goes very well, but other times I judge the recipients reactions and they generally seem apprehensive about talking to me, or they have a slight smirk in their tone of voice or seem as if they don't want to talk to me/judging me in a negative light and in this situation I just switch off and stop bothering with the conversation.

Main thing would be making a new friend e.g. and breaking the barrier of person you see around and then becoming closer to people. I tend to struggle with that.

It's a weird situation because it's not as if I don't have any friends, just that I don't have anybody close, or it feels like this way. I have a feeling it's down to trust issues, when I talk about my secrets to people, I talk about specific secrets but I don't tell my deepest darkest secrets. I have always been like this btw. Also to sort of give you an insight on how I am a little. My personality type is best described as an INTJ/ISTJ.

Any ideas...

Tl;dr have friends, struggle to make new friends and don't really trust other people, sense that people judge me in a negative light from the way they look at me sometimes.

This may sound a bit inappropriate





This may sound a bit inappropriate but I would like to hug both of you guys and tell you I'm the same as well.

Thinking of things to say on the spot, injecting life into the conversation (e.g. being playful with others, having long debates etc.) And developing friendships are my main issues. Until now, the issues in my social life were always hidden and dismissed, with thoughts like "I'm not around the right people" - now the right people have turned up, even though they're more open and accepting than others, I struggle to get the best out of then socially. I see others do it effortlessly and it hurts me. My general knowledge is not particularly sharp either so thst compounds my issue. I've got a few close friends and a handful of casual friends I'd say, plus some family friends but that's it.

Now I'm working everyday on something towards improving ny social life in some way: Non-verbal communication (just as important as verbal if not more), freeing up my mental capacity, expanding general knowledge and the constant fear. I hope you guys are doing the same and make huge strides!

That's good to hear but I'm afraid I'm a late bloomer in most things! :/

And about it being difficult to think of things to say on the spot, for me it has come down to planning the things I can say in various situations in my mind ahead of time. I really don't like doing this but it's the only way I've been able to deal with my social awkwardness. I guess it's because so many people I know are able to say witty things and come up with good comebacks effortlessly on the spot and I'm just like.. Awkward nods and giggles.. I really hate pre-planning potential conversations but I've kinda forced myself into it :/


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I've done a lot of research into conversational topics during last year and used some of them for the beginning of my second year of Sixth Form, not that they didn't work but I felt I couldn't have conversations so rigid and pre-determined, it would feel like I'm having the same conversation to some degree, but hey everyone is different somewhere down the line and it's nice to hear that it works for you.

Do you feel as if you're behind this world? In terms of Fashion, general knowledge, movies, TV, gender knowledge etc. It's just that I feel out of touch, much like a Captain America in that sense

Sometimes I do but not really.. How do you mean?


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I mean others knowing more than you do about social norms and conventions. What to do and what not to do for yourself. Recent examples have been myself really liking (if not in love with) this girl and what females expect from men and vice versa and juet healthcare (I musn't use soap to wash my hair, shampoo instead) Most of the time I appear to most people as confused about most things.

Hmm for me maybe so in some things but not for many to be honest. Why do you this is the case for you?


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and then becoming closer to people.

Sometimes you just need to bite the bullet and start speaking to people. It may not be natural at first, but you will get used to it.

I personally don't like small talk, I only speak to people (friends, strangers, family) if there is a reason to speak to them. Eg "that's a nice dress, where did you get it from?"

this is the one of the most common insecurities actually, after the way you look, intelligence, and money and security.

lots of people have it.

Let's do a mental exercise.

Let's pretend you are a billionaire with model good looks.
Would you still have anxiety ? Worry ? Fear ? If not, why not ?

What if you looked like the elephant man ? Would you have social anxiety, and if so , why ?

Do you feel inferior ? Ashamed of something ?
Shame and inferiority leads to low confidence.
Low confidence = "i'm not good enough " . which is inferiority.

Where do your feelings of inferiority, shame, deep worry and fear come from ?
being judged ? judged on something you are ashamed of ?


Maybe I am talking complete cra*, but maybe something i said might have helped.

We can't solve the problem for you. Just identify where it comes from and and have awareness of it.

t.

Money is not the issue, or the problem, or the solution.

It creates false beliefs of worry, anxiety and fear to people susceptible to those feelings.

Some people have no money and don't care and don't feel judged or inferior and are happy and have no anxiety.

Some worry about it all the time.
This is a symptom that you are psychologically wounded in some way and low on confidence to begin with.

The problem is feelings of inferiority and confidence issues. It all stems from low confidence. And shame. what are you afraid people will see underneath you.

If your life was a reality tv show, would you be proud of your daily activities and behaviour ?
or are you ashamed of it ? Shame = low confidence, sometimes anyway

but confidence is a vague, overused word.
What I really mean is, you are afraid of being judged, mocked, laughed at, feel inferior, you compare yourself to others, and your happiness is based off.....what ?

What makes you happy ? a new car ? a new video game ? other people telling you how great you are and congratulating you for no reason whatsoever ?

Happiness must come from within. begin to love yourself. and feelings of worry and anxiety disapppear.