19 year old muslim girl, desperate to leave home.

Im having a really hard time at home, and i am desperate to leave. My family are muslim, quite strict. My father doesn't allow me to go out everyday, only to college and back. my curfew is 5.30pm no later. im allowed out saturday during the day, again curfew at 5.30pm. These strict rules have led me to live a double life i would say, outside my front door my parents and family don't know who i am. ive done bad things, ive been through a lot and had to go through them on my own. ive been depressed mostly over the past year or so. Unfortunatly i fell pregnant early 2013, i aborted ,my child as it is shameful to have a baby out of wed lock, nevermind that my family still think i am a virgin. after i aborted my child, my mother soon fell pregnant. i watched her go through the stages of pregnancy thinking it should be me to She gave birth and i fell into deep depression and had a breakdown, doing all the haram things i can think of. smoking weed to numb the pain for a few hours until reality hit me. i cant even look at my new baby brother. having nobody to talk too, having a house full of boys, 3 brothers and a mother who i cant talk too it was very hard for me and still is. Ive found myself a job in london with accommodation, i desperately plan to leave as i cant keep living like this. i need time to myself i havent had a chance to properly grieve the way i should. I love my family but the constant disappointing them and myself and the way i feel, i cant go on like this. im very scared, but the position of this new job has to be taken very soon. i need answers on what i should do? has anybody out there been in a position where they had to leave, who are muslim? if so, what happened? the one thing that is really stopping me from leaving is the pain and stress i will cause my parents, my brothers , my family ): the shame i will bring, if i leave. all because of a selfish act, which i feel needs to be done so i can feel a little weight will be lifted if i can just breathe. i just want to leave, sit in a corner of a room and just cry and cry for days. please someone help me, what shall i do?

Yes actually I'm very very aware of that. But at the time I was scared, my parents would kill me take me back to my country, I would cause them shame.

that is so wrong, you have really messed up big time

My father has always told me if i wanted to leave, he'd let me leave but i will never be able to see my family again. This is why ive stayed this long. i love my family, they aren't that bad. my dad only does whats best for me, but me being a stupid hormonal brat i saw it as bars behind walls and any chance of freedom id take and rebel hard. I feel so much regret and i hate myself for what ive done and only i am the only person that has put myself in this position, so to up and leave and cause my family distress and shame to their honour and dignity all because of my selfish acts in the past i dont see that its fair. Everyday that i stay i get more depressed. Lately has been very weird and ive had a breakdown, removed all my friends, avoided college, deleted all my social networking sites. i just want to be alone, and just cry and cry and cry.

How? You know what pisses me off about islam, that people in islam are willing to kill their own to please god.

she is a liar thats why, i am a muslim guy and a virgin, if i found out my wife had a past like this i would leave her, and she has already lied to her family she obv also going to lie to her future husband (that is of course if she even marries a muslim guy which i highly doubt)

its not islam i know plenty of sikhs and hindus and also do the same mate don't deny it

You're so stupid. How can a dad be as selfish. You don't know her dad stop enforcing your daft opinions on people. Everyone makes mistakes, and parents are and will be the only ones that love us despite our mistakes. You're an idiot trying to turn her against her own dad.

Have you lied? YES

If those hindus and sikhs do the same, they my friend are not hindus or sikhs. Nowhere in the hindu texts does it promote honour killings.

Please don't speak on behalf of me. I will definatly marry a Muslim man, one who will love and accept me flaws and all. Nobody in this world is perfect not even you. I've done bad things, I'm regretting it everyday, I pray everyday for forgiveness, repent. That's the beauty of Allah he always forgives. I am Muslim, my past actions were caused because I was lost, hormonal teenage girl. I will make sure I will marry a Muslim man who is not as old fashioned as you, one that really understands how hard it is to grow up a Muslim GIRL in a westernised country. I am human just like you, makin mistakes everyday.

Please don't speak on behalf of me. I will definatly marry a Muslim man, one who will love and accept me flaws and all. Nobody in this world is perfect not even you. I've done bad things, I'm regretting it everyday, I pray everyday for forgiveness, repent. That's the beauty of Allah he always forgives. I am Muslim, my past actions were caused because I was lost, hormonal teenage girl. I will make sure I will marry a Muslim man who is not as old fashioned as you, one that really understands how hard it is to grow up a Muslim GIRL in a westernised country. I am human just like you, makin mistakes everyday.

Tbh it can't be that bad - you've obviously had a happy life outside those 4 walls enough to have sex and get pregnant - wish I had that kind of connection with someone.

Let me jar clarify to the people who are bein so judgmental towards me.

Yes I'm Muslim, yes I lost my virginty, yes I had a boyfriend, I fell pregnant and I aborted the child because I was scared and afraid of my family. Yes I regret everything I have done in the past, yes I understand that my actions will affect my future, yes I know I'm not the perfect Muslim, yes I know I need to ask for forgiveness and repent and start acting like a Muslim girl. I am very aware thank you for reminding me. However, my post was not about my religion. I will take my religion everywhere I go with me, this is about my issues I am facing right now. I turn to Allah everyday when I pray to him. I have been councelling I went for 6 months it has done me no good. My parents are Moroccan Muslim, Sunni and are strict. That is not why I want to leave home, they being strict has caused me to do haram in the past, as I have already stated so get your facts right before you comment saying "you want to leave because ur parents gave u a curfew" no. Thank you for those who have actually helped me with advice believe me I really appreciate it wallah.

What course do you wanna do? You can still do that to an extent at home, I did- just avoid nightclubs and alcohol and you're fine tbh.


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