Hi,
So a year or two ago i was in an abusive relationship, although i didn't see it as abusive at the time. He would emotionally blackmail me, tell me to get changed all the time because he didn't like what i wore, point out every little flaw to the point where i was quite depressed and didn't want to look in a mirror. Then after he'd been out drinking he sexually abused me, although again at the time i didn't see it as rape because he was my boyfriend. One night we argued to the point where i told him how low i was feeling because of what he was saying, which ended up with him hurting me physically. The relationship ended after this, but i still struggle knowing that if he came back, i probably would go back, because i was in love. I hate myself for it, and wish i could let my barriers down and move on for good.
I also have a best friend who i have had a sexual relationship with for many years, but recently he doesn't seem to want to take no for an answer, so i have just been accepting it and letting it happen. But the other day he tried unprotected which i was really not ok with at all to the point where i had to scream at him to stop, and even then he was reluctant. The more i think about it the worse i feel. I don't know what to do, i don't want to lose my best friend, but i can't keep doing it when there are risks to my future. It's also started to bring up the memories from my past relationship which is really upsetting me. I just don't know what to do, or say, or feel...