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Best Friend

I met my best friend roughly three years ago, at the beginning of our time at University. We hit it off quite quickly, and by the end of our first year we were self-confessed "best friends".

However, for a while (I think, perhaps, even all of it), I've felt that she doesn't really care about me as much as I do about her. Throughout our time at University, it has seemed to me that I was the one keeping up our friendship, and even then, she was often "too busy" to make time for me.

Her priorities are very much work and her boyfriend, whoever it happens to be. Indeed, throughout the time I've known her, she's had three different boyfriends (with slight overlaps so that she has never been single), and every time she will throw me under the bus for him. She practically cuts me out in order to spend every work-free minute with him and his friends, and sometimes I feel that if I didn't remind her that I exist every now and again, that she'd completely forget about me. On one occasion, she asked me for my opinion about her current boyfriend (I said that I got a bad vibe from him), and she just went and laughed about it with him behind my back (ironically, she broke up with him shortly afterwards because she thought he was "using" her). The fact that she always needs to have a boyfriend to be "complete", and that whenever the next one comes along, our long-term friendship seems to mean little to her, has made me lose respect for her: as a woman, a feminist, and most importantly, a friend.

She says that she loves me and that we're best friends, but as they say "actions speak louder than words", and I don't really feel it from her.

Anyway, our three years together at University are up, and she and I will be living in different cities next year. We've told each other that we'll keep in touch, and that our best-friendship is forever - and that's what I want, but I'm not sure if she really means it.

So, what do I do? It's nice to have someone who at least claims that they consider you a best friend, and that they love you, but it's not so nice to spend the whole time doubting it. My intention was to put in a little less effort next year, and see if she comes to me for once (as a sort of test of her sincerity), but I don't know if I'll be able to manage it.

Reply 1

Carpe Vinum

Sounds like a bit of a superficial 'best friendship'. If you're having all these doubts about it then you should probably reevaluate whether your friendship with her is actually that special/deep. You seem to resent her relationships and her apparent need to always be with one (which don't get me wrong, it sounds annoying that she seems to push you away but you shouldn't judge her relationship preferences: some people just dont like being single).

Honestly it doesn't sound like my personal definition of a close friendship. Ultimately it's obviously up to you and her whether you stay in touch and attempt to maintain the friendship but I personally wouldn't bother trying to stay friends with someone I didn't feel wanted the same from the friendship as I did. A friendship goes both ways, and life is way too short to waste time trying to force relationships with people who aren't worth it.

(edited 9 years ago)

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

Original post by Carpe Vinum

Sounds like a bit of a superficial 'best friendship'. If you're having all these doubts about it then you should probably reevaluate whether your friendship with her is actually that special/deep.

I'm trying to do exactly that (what the text in bold says) - but it's hard because there's evidence for both sides.

On the one hand, our friendship doesn't compose of superficial things - we've confided some quite deep secrets about ourselves and our pasts with one another, and we talk about our feelings (which is quite a big deal for her, as she's generally quite a closed person). She says she trusts me, and I believe her, because she has opened up and made herself vulnerable to me, and she says that I'm good at comforting her.

However, as I've mentioned, she rarely comes to me, and when we talk about meeting up, it sometimes sounds to me as if she sees it as activity she needs to "tick off" to keep me happy. But at the same time, when we do hang out, she seems to enjoy it, and often says that she wishes we spent more time together.

Original post by Carpe Vinum

Honestly it doesn't sound like my personal definition of a close friendship. Ultimately it's obviously up to you and her whether you stay in touch and attempt to maintain the friendship but I personally wouldn't bother trying to stay friends with someone I didn't feel wanted the same from the friendship as I did. A friendship goes both ways, and life is way too short to waste time trying to force relationships with people who aren't worth it.

What would you consider a close friendship (I haven't had many really close friends, which is perhaps why I'm finding it difficult to assess this situation)?

As for the text in bold - what do you have in mind? Completely cutting contact (I feel that that would be a bit mean), or just not putting in as much effort in maintaining the friendship?

Reply 3

CC2010

Ahh she's one of those friends. Honestly, I had one of them in college and we event went to the same uni. Best thing I ever did was totally cut her out of my life in 3rd year. I ended up in hospital for a whole term and not so much as a phone call to see if I was alive. I realised then that I could do so much better without her. Thankfully, I have plenty of "real" friends who are worth the time and effort and actually appreciate their friendships.

My advice? Leave the ball in her court. See how long it takes her to get in touch and judge how you feel then. Until then, enjoy your life, make some new friends and get on with your life. You're entire self worth does not depend on these types of people and I personally wouldn't recommend wasting any more time on someone like that. Maybe she'll realise? Maybe she won't? But at long as you know you're worth a real friendship.

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