So lonely I feel suicidal...

On the surface, it doesn't seem all that bad- I'm studying a prestigious course at a top university, with a scholarship. What more could I want?

But here is the truth of it. I am so incredibly lonely, so lonely that I feel as if my life isn't worth living.

I was sent away to school at 12, to a place where I never really made any friends, as I was always an outsider. Yet because I was at school so far from home in my teenage years, I know no-one who lives anywhere near where I live, which is a village deep in the countryside. During my last two years of school my increased sense of never being able to belong, and some really bad bullying incidents, eventually spilled over into anorexia and very mild bi polar disorder. But I worked incredibly hard, got 4 A*s at a level, and a place at one of the top universities. No matter that I was unhappy at school, university would be the place when I could truly be happy, and be the person I had always imagined myself to be.

I am now 21, and have 2 years of university left. In my first year I was i
sharing a house with people who I got on with, but could never really be my close friends, as we had so little in common- or rather, they took no interest in anything I enjoyed. For some reason I found it really difficult to meet people, and so got stuck with the same people in my second year. I have no one to talk to, absolutely no-one, not a uni, not at home.

I have no means of showing my personality, and being myself. My parents imagine me to be someone I'm not, and at uni I may as well not exist. I'm just a figure with no identity.

I feel so useless and pointless. I have no friends, nowhere to go, no-one to see. I have no money, and can't get a job as there are no jobs in the middle of the countryside. I can't pay for driving lessons. I can't afford nice clothes and makeup, to make me feel better about myself. I've even stopped feeling attraction to people. The years are just dragging by, and being stuck with my 50 year old parents and my grandmother with Alzheimer's is making me feel drained and old. I can't seem to find any escape.

Everything seems so pointless if I can't share my life with other people. I didn't do any of the things most teenagers do. The group of people I live with never go out, and spend all their time locked away in their rooms, studying. And I'll admit it, I've never even had sex, and was only kissed once when I was 15. Not even my parents hug me- they're not very good at showing emotion.

I've been told I'm attractive, and friendly- but there is something seriously wrong with me, I know it. There must be.

I'm sorry I'd this sounds rambling, but I'm just so tired, as my regrets and worries have been keeping my up into the early hours for months now.

i just want to speak to someone, anyone.

Reply 1

usycool1

Hi OP,

It sounds like things are very tough for you at the moment, and I am very sorry to hear that. You say that you are so incredibly lonely that you feel as if your life is not worth living. You then go on to say that you feel useless and pointless, and go on to describe this in such comprehensive detail. This all sounds very hard to cope with, and I can't imagine just how hard it must be for you.

You say that you have no one to talk to at home, but is there any close family member elsewhere who you could talk to about how you are feeling (such as your parents)? Alternatively, perhaps you could consider contacting your GP to talk to them about how you have been feeling?

If you feel unable to talk to these people, then you could consider contacting the Samaritans (http://www.samaritans.org/) or Nightline (http://www.nightline.ac.uk/). You can contact both by phone or, if you prefer, by email or by letter. Nightline also offer a 1:1 online instant messaging service.

I am sorry, but I am going to close this thread. This is not because we don't care or that we don't want to listen to you, but because we are not in the best position to help you and threads talking about feeling suicidal can, unfortunately, attract insensitive or even dangerous comments. The best people for you to contact would be the ones I have mentioned in this thread. Please do get in touch with them. If there is anything else that I can do for you (or if you just want to talk), please feel free to send me a Private Message on here.

I do hope things improve for you soon.

Take care,
usycool1
Samaritan Trained Study Help moderator

So lonely I feel suicidal...

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