The Guardian - regretting starting university in a relationship!
Interesting blog style article on long term relationships at uni:
http://www.theguardian.com/education/mortarboard/2014/jul/11/why-regret-starting-university-relationship
What do you guys think about starting university in a relationship? If you've been through it or are currently in one then please share your thoughts!
http://www.theguardian.com/education/mortarboard/2014/jul/11/why-regret-starting-university-relationship
What do you guys think about starting university in a relationship? If you've been through it or are currently in one then please share your thoughts!
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The first comment on that article was basically my experience - I broke up with my boyfriend of two years to go to uni. The only twist was that we had both independently picked the same uni, but I still thought it would hinder making friends and getting settled. It was more ' going on a break' than breaking up, the way we spoke about it.
Result: utter devastating heartbreak, drawn out far longer than it should have been by us essentially still being in a casual relationship until christmas and me seeing him out all the time (usually getting with other people), leading to alcoholism. And when I say drawn out I mean it - we slept together in the summer between first and second year and he got in a fight with my current boyfriend for touching me up in third year. Fortunately at Uni never spending time on your own and constantly getting hammered is considered 'fun' so I guess at least I still made a great group of friends out of it!
Result: utter devastating heartbreak, drawn out far longer than it should have been by us essentially still being in a casual relationship until christmas and me seeing him out all the time (usually getting with other people), leading to alcoholism. And when I say drawn out I mean it - we slept together in the summer between first and second year and he got in a fight with my current boyfriend for touching me up in third year. Fortunately at Uni never spending time on your own and constantly getting hammered is considered 'fun' so I guess at least I still made a great group of friends out of it!
Original post by redferry
The first comment on that article was basically my experience - I broke up with my boyfriend of two years to go to uni. The only twist was that we had both independently picked the same uni, but I still thought it would hinder making friends and getting settled. It was more ' going on a break' than breaking up, the way we spoke about it.
Result: utter devastating heartbreak, drawn out far longer than it should have been by us essentially still being in a casual relationship until christmas and me seeing him out all the time (usually getting with other people), leading to alcoholism. And when I say drawn out I mean it - we slept together in the summer between first and second year and he got in a fight with my current boyfriend for touching me up in third year. Fortunately at Uni never spending time on your own and constantly getting hammered is considered 'fun' so I guess at least I still made a great group of friends out of it!
Result: utter devastating heartbreak, drawn out far longer than it should have been by us essentially still being in a casual relationship until christmas and me seeing him out all the time (usually getting with other people), leading to alcoholism. And when I say drawn out I mean it - we slept together in the summer between first and second year and he got in a fight with my current boyfriend for touching me up in third year. Fortunately at Uni never spending time on your own and constantly getting hammered is considered 'fun' so I guess at least I still made a great group of friends out of it!
Thanks for sharing redferry. What year of uni are you in now?
Original post by Armadillo
Thanks for sharing redferry. What year of uni are you in now?
I'm just about to start a PhD #professionalstudent
I got together with my boyfriend (who lives in my home town) a few weeks into my first year of university. My own experience has not been anything like that of the article's author. I find being in a long distance relationship is much less distracting for my studies than it would be if I had a boyfriend who went to the same uni as me. During term time we only see each other for a long weekend every month or so and the rest of the time I'm left to put all of my energy into studying/applying for jobs/maintaining my friendships. If anything he makes me work harder because I want to get a good degree and a decent grad scheme so I can move in with him and start our life together.
Original post by pinkbullets
I got together with my boyfriend (who lives in my home town) a few weeks into my first year of university. My own experience has not been anything like that of the article's author. I find being in a long distance relationship is much less distracting for my studies than it would be if I had a boyfriend who went to the same uni as me. During term time we only see each other for a long weekend every month or so and the rest of the time I'm left to put all of my energy into studying/applying for jobs/maintaining my friendships. If anything he makes me work harder because I want to get a good degree and a decent grad scheme so I can move in with him and start our life together.
Interesting counterpoint to the article. Why do you think you have had a different experience?
Original post by pinkbullets
I got together with my boyfriend (who lives in my home town) a few weeks into my first year of university. My own experience has not been anything like that of the article's author. I find being in a long distance relationship is much less distracting for my studies than it would be if I had a boyfriend who went to the same uni as me. During term time we only see each other for a long weekend every month or so and the rest of the time I'm left to put all of my energy into studying/applying for jobs/maintaining my friendships. If anything he makes me work harder because I want to get a good degree and a decent grad scheme so I can move in with him and start our life together.
Yeah, I agree with you. If I wasn't doing long distance and spending a lot of weekends and evenings with my other half, my grades may well suffer, but him living a few hours away means that I spend most of my time focussing on my work. But we did get together in my second year.
I was in another relationship which started just before first year and I do kind of regret that. My grades didn't suffer as much as the author's but I did spend most weekends going to see him (he loved on the other side of London) which meant that I wasn't socialising as much.
I started a relationship three months before uni. I was meant to go somewhere else and had my uni life planned out. Then I fell in love and things changed dramatically. I went to the uni I previously promised myself that I won't go to and completely changed my course as I could not bear the thought of not seeing him for weeks. It did affect my grades in first and second year because of all the family related stress that came with the relationship. I developed an illness because of it all and had lots of absences. I also didn't make too much friends as it's hard to socialise as a couple and I didn't live in halls or student accommodation. However my relationship also gave me the strength to push harder when I transferred to another uni. I was no longer just responsible for myself so if I didn't do well, another person could suffer.
I don't regret not going to the uni I was supposed to though sometimes I think how life would have turned out if I did.
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I don't regret not going to the uni I was supposed to though sometimes I think how life would have turned out if I did.
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(edited 9 years ago)
Original post by redferry
I'm just about to start a PhD #professionalstudent
Get out while you can.
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Original post by Armadillo
Interesting blog style article on long term relationships at uni:
http://www.theguardian.com/education/mortarboard/2014/jul/11/why-regret-starting-university-relationship
What do you guys think about starting university in a relationship? If you've been through it or are currently in one then please share your thoughts!
http://www.theguardian.com/education/mortarboard/2014/jul/11/why-regret-starting-university-relationship
What do you guys think about starting university in a relationship? If you've been through it or are currently in one then please share your thoughts!
I'm going to start university in September and have been in a relationship for good few years.
I don't want to go to the same uni as my bf and I even let him know that. We both decided I go different university but somehow picked the same subject (we found out after we applied).
I know being with him will be best. I won't be looking at other guys trying to get their attention. Or go through that lovey dovey phase and such.
Being with him I know he'll make me work so much harder because he is so supportive. So I have nothing to worry about
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Relationships are hard.................. no ****!
Original post by Last Day Lepers
Relationships are hard.................. no ****!
I think this is something that people genuinely don't realise though. Also a lot of people think that things will work out just because they want them to.
I just watched 'The secret lives of students' (I was bored!) on channel 4 and that long distance one was a prime example of what you don't want to do.
I regret going to uni in a relationship SO much. I didn't throw myself into freshers or first year at all. Missed my bf at uni but when I went home every weekend it seemed too short and it was always hard to go back again. I didn't fully settle in either place and when we broke up I felt so lonely cause I couldn't be at home cause of my degree, yet I hadn't made any solid friendships at uni. Definitely put more effort in than he did. Probably didn't make as many friends in freshers as I could have as I had my guard up around guys especially due to the casual sex stereotype of freshers. When asked how uni was I basically lied and said I was loving it when I really wasn't.
Cue second year when I started single (broke up Jan of first year) and it seemed like a second shot. Made some great friends, was more open and confident, went out and socialised a lot more rather than holding myself back from events in favour of bad-quality Skype dates. I finally settled at uni, threw myself into societies and volunteering, got a job. In a nutshell, I've had the best year of my life so far and finally understand the uni 'experience' that everyone talks about.
I'd only advise going to uni in a relationship if you really think you'll last, and I mean really. Some couples work and I think that's really great, but don't hide behind the relationship and hold yourself back from anything cause you may regret it if it doesn't work.
This may not be everyone, but it was my first relationship etc. etc., I was naive so the way I was w/ the relationship held me back more than the actual relationship..
Cue second year when I started single (broke up Jan of first year) and it seemed like a second shot. Made some great friends, was more open and confident, went out and socialised a lot more rather than holding myself back from events in favour of bad-quality Skype dates. I finally settled at uni, threw myself into societies and volunteering, got a job. In a nutshell, I've had the best year of my life so far and finally understand the uni 'experience' that everyone talks about.
I'd only advise going to uni in a relationship if you really think you'll last, and I mean really. Some couples work and I think that's really great, but don't hide behind the relationship and hold yourself back from anything cause you may regret it if it doesn't work.
This may not be everyone, but it was my first relationship etc. etc., I was naive so the way I was w/ the relationship held me back more than the actual relationship..
(edited 9 years ago)
Original post by Midlander
Why? Everyone I know doing a PhD loves it!
I feel the complete opposite to that article..
I even go to the same university as my SO. without it I don't think either of us would have gotten through the year as well as we have. I ended up getting 91% and she received a 2:1. my first year, her second.
We planned it that in the week we would work, get all our **** done and cleared, we would sit in my room together both doing work and helping each other and then we could save the weekend to blow off steam and enjoy it!
hasn't hindered our individual social lives either! both of us are on teams and stuff so we get out enough anyway!
I even go to the same university as my SO. without it I don't think either of us would have gotten through the year as well as we have. I ended up getting 91% and she received a 2:1. my first year, her second.
We planned it that in the week we would work, get all our **** done and cleared, we would sit in my room together both doing work and helping each other and then we could save the weekend to blow off steam and enjoy it!
hasn't hindered our individual social lives either! both of us are on teams and stuff so we get out enough anyway!
I'm glad I'm not starting uni in a relationship. Relationships can wait, they're not my priority right now. My priority is my degree, making friends, and making the most of everything uni has to offer.
I don't regret it at all.
I'd been in a relationship for two years before going to uni. What is the point in breaking something that is working so well? We're on our fourth year now so you know, definitely worth keeping! Maybe the long distance helped - I don't think my relationship interfered with my studies, or my experience of uni so far.
I'd been in a relationship for two years before going to uni. What is the point in breaking something that is working so well? We're on our fourth year now so you know, definitely worth keeping! Maybe the long distance helped - I don't think my relationship interfered with my studies, or my experience of uni so far.
Yeah I think it wrecked it for my sister, she went to uni still in a relationship but it went bad from the start, he cheated on her at freshers week and then she did. It was already breaking down so in hindsight she should have cut it off before going (but they'd been dating 2 years so I can see why that was hard). Anyway it caused her huge amounts of stress in her first term and she has struggled academically and friendship-ly this year, she wasn't sleeping and she became ill so she missed lectures and job interviews...basically bad idea.
I was watching "secret life of students" if you want to see a really bad example :\
I was watching "secret life of students" if you want to see a really bad example :\
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