Hello everyone. I've been going through this website and I found it amazing. Actually, I've read a lot of posts about girls having cheated on their boyfriends and some very helpful answers. I need to tell mine, because it's really making me lose sleep. So here it goes:
I've had this friend like, since forever. We've known each other since very little from school, he was actually ''my boyfriend'' when we were kids. I've moved from that school to another and the next year he moved to the one I went to. We finished school together. By that time, we had this little group of friends, two girls (me and my best girl friend) and him and other 2 of his best friends. We got pretty close because we all played this mmorpg ''WoW''.Let's call him Peter. So, one of Peter's best friend fell deep in love with me and went through a really rough time after I told him we were going to remain friends only. They were all aware of his feelings for me. I had this other boyfriend at that time which made him crazier. When I broke up with that boyfriend I got really bad. He was my first serious relationship and the one whom I lost my virginity to. Some months passed and with a brainwash I had I got over it. And theeeen the story with Peter began. We kissed. He told me he was in love with me all of his life (he never had a girlfriend, besides me when we were kids, and he never kissed any girl) I actually suspected he was gay .-. Anyway, it happened to be that his best friend was still in love with me, and, to make matters worse, my best friend had a thing for Peter too since a long time. We decided to go through all of that, because of what we felt. I really felt something strong for him. I was decided to give love one more try after that hell of a big disappointment, decided to give a chance to him, because I knew how good was his heart, he was such a good person, and that is what I've always admired of him. So in that same year (this year) I've moved to another city to try for Med college. I was actually going to live with his older sister (our parents made all the agreement, payed the appartment and then canceled it all because he was going to move in too) I was not upset about it, at least we were going to be in the same city. He went there for me. All of this months we've been going out together, almost everyday after my classes we had launch, we hang out, and slept together. It was pure happines.
Here comes the thing. When I got into Med school (june4th), after all those 4 months of hard work, we went to celebrate with my classmates to a party. I got so drunk, I didn't wanted to reject any ''shot'' invitation because I was sort of trying to fit in. I came from another city and sometimes it hurted when the classmates made plans that didn't include me. So I drank, a lot. And there was this guy. I went outside of the party and he followed me, and he grabbed me and we kissed. I kissed him back. I DONT KNOW WHY. I got scared someone could see and went back to the party. Actually, his older sister also got into med college and she was in that party. So I didn't wanted her to find out. You may be thinking I'm so stupid and a slut, but I'm worse. I went out of the party again, hoping he'd follow me, and he did. We kissed again. And I went back inside. Peter's sister saw how that guy was trying to grab me inside of the party too, but I kept on rejecting him. His sister told him that, an a few weeks later Peter asked me about it. I lied. I f***ing lied. I couldnt tell him. I just said the other boy was very drunk and he wanted to kiss me but he didn't.
Here is the why:
Peter worships me. Literally. I'm his first and only love. He always keeps saying he can't believe how perfect I am, and how lucky he is. And how much I helped him (I actually did) I changed all of his bad ways and gave him motivation, and made him see he had responsabilities. (he barely finished school, was always playing games and just spending his mother's money) He suffered a lot with his parents divorce when he was a kid. His father cheated a lot on his mother and talked about it with his son like ''look, what a badass your father is''. His father has other family now, and they're with his mother, she treats him like a baby... She actually loves me, a lot. She treats me like a baby too. She's the best woman I know.
He is very very veeeery sentimental. Very paranoid, I couldn't even get him a birthday surprise without him getting depressed thinking I forgot his birthday. He gets so upset and sad, really sad to the point of crying when he thinks too much about the posibilities of me getting back with my ex-boyfriend, or about changing him for another person. He actually got upset when my girl friend kissed me in the mouth... We used to do that since forever.
I'm aware of how awful this sounds, but I know he will forgive me almost anything. Because he doesn't want to lose me. But I don't want to lose him either. He means too much for me. I've never ever cheated on anybody and I thought I had it all under control and that I would never do something like that. Now I swear to myself I will never do it again. This keeps haunting me since a week ago. I dream about the party and that guy. I don't even like him too much. He was very handsome and smart and mr popular guy but he seem too arrogant and vain to me. I've been planning him a birthday surprise. And he got so incredibly happy. I got so incredibly happy seeing him happy. Makes me feel guilty, you know, making the mistake that could make all that happiness go away.
We're not boyfriend and girlfriend, since we're not ready to get that label, I'm not ready to introduce him to my family (since my d***head ex told my parents after I broke up with him, that I smoked weed with Peter). But I feel like we are, I feel the commitment, and I don't have any interest in any other man. I know how much he is going to suffer if I tell him the truth. I think I'd prefer to die suffocated in guilt and suffer myself for the mistake I made than giving him such pain.
I'd really appreciate your opinion. Thank on my knees for you having read this, and I'd like to apologize for my grammar, english is not my main language
Thank you a lot