Daddy Issues
I'm not sure how coherent this will be as emotions were and still kind of are running high.
I have no clue where to start with this so I'm just gonna write as it comes.
On holiday with my father at the moment and we just had a massive argument in which many tears were shed. The stem of the argument is something that has been going on for the past few years between me and father but it has come to a head and I just can't take it anymore.
My father drinks, a considerable amount. He smokes, less than he used to. He had a relatively serious heart attack about 6 years ago, and he's 69 in November and is quite overweight, not obese, but definitely nearer that than healthy.
At home I will often comment on his diet and his habits and how they are not good for him and aren't going to improve his life expectancy. Usually this is chalked off as me being self-righteous and a bit of a prick, which I was kind of cool with as to be frank, I'm a very emotional person, but I don't like people seeing it. Not because I feel 'weak' or whatever, but because I feel when I'm presenting these issues they should be from an objective standpoint and something everyone can get on board with. However at home I am working, and I see him in the evening and see him have 1 or 2 cigarettes, and one small glass of port, knowing full well he has been drinking in the day. The problem is being on holiday just him and I, I am always with him, so I am able to see the quantities. I was adding up today's total and it got to 17 units, 1L of wine, 200ml Ouzo, 2 Shots of Raki (grain spirit) and a double+ Vodka and diet Coke. This isn't that unusual, and is not necessarily the most he drinks. It's not that he becomes drunk and abusive, or he's a lousy person because of it. It's because I want him to live as long as possible. I haven't had kids yet, and I'd like him to see them when I do, as he always regrets that his parents didn't live long enough to meet me and my brother.
However this evening as he poured his vodka coke, I made the comment and it got heated, but this time I couldn't hold it and I just broke down. I feel resented for caring, I feel like my desire to keep him alive pushes him further away from me as it just seems to make him angry. We are 2 days into the holiday, I'm due to go back on the 15th, but I told him I can't keep doing this and that if this is how the holiday will continue I have to go home. I don't really care that I'll miss out on my holiday, but I feel guilty as he's paid for the tickets etc, he'll be on his own so who's going to look out for him.
I just don't know what to do anymore, if I care and try to stop him drinking so much, he resents me. If I don't interfere, I'm just sitting by and watching him slowly kill himself and I can't do that without hurting myself one way or another.
Tbh if you managed to get through my rambling and have anything to offer, either experience, advice, anything, please do.
I have very little access to internet but I needed to vent and I need to know there's someone I can talk to. The anonymity of the internet allows me to open up in ways I can't/won't with my friends and family.
Many thanks for whatever you have to offer.
I have no clue where to start with this so I'm just gonna write as it comes.
On holiday with my father at the moment and we just had a massive argument in which many tears were shed. The stem of the argument is something that has been going on for the past few years between me and father but it has come to a head and I just can't take it anymore.
My father drinks, a considerable amount. He smokes, less than he used to. He had a relatively serious heart attack about 6 years ago, and he's 69 in November and is quite overweight, not obese, but definitely nearer that than healthy.
At home I will often comment on his diet and his habits and how they are not good for him and aren't going to improve his life expectancy. Usually this is chalked off as me being self-righteous and a bit of a prick, which I was kind of cool with as to be frank, I'm a very emotional person, but I don't like people seeing it. Not because I feel 'weak' or whatever, but because I feel when I'm presenting these issues they should be from an objective standpoint and something everyone can get on board with. However at home I am working, and I see him in the evening and see him have 1 or 2 cigarettes, and one small glass of port, knowing full well he has been drinking in the day. The problem is being on holiday just him and I, I am always with him, so I am able to see the quantities. I was adding up today's total and it got to 17 units, 1L of wine, 200ml Ouzo, 2 Shots of Raki (grain spirit) and a double+ Vodka and diet Coke. This isn't that unusual, and is not necessarily the most he drinks. It's not that he becomes drunk and abusive, or he's a lousy person because of it. It's because I want him to live as long as possible. I haven't had kids yet, and I'd like him to see them when I do, as he always regrets that his parents didn't live long enough to meet me and my brother.
However this evening as he poured his vodka coke, I made the comment and it got heated, but this time I couldn't hold it and I just broke down. I feel resented for caring, I feel like my desire to keep him alive pushes him further away from me as it just seems to make him angry. We are 2 days into the holiday, I'm due to go back on the 15th, but I told him I can't keep doing this and that if this is how the holiday will continue I have to go home. I don't really care that I'll miss out on my holiday, but I feel guilty as he's paid for the tickets etc, he'll be on his own so who's going to look out for him.
I just don't know what to do anymore, if I care and try to stop him drinking so much, he resents me. If I don't interfere, I'm just sitting by and watching him slowly kill himself and I can't do that without hurting myself one way or another.
Tbh if you managed to get through my rambling and have anything to offer, either experience, advice, anything, please do.
I have very little access to internet but I needed to vent and I need to know there's someone I can talk to. The anonymity of the internet allows me to open up in ways I can't/won't with my friends and family.
Many thanks for whatever you have to offer.
Hi
I'm very sorry to hear about your situation as it sounds quite difficult. I can offer some advice, but before I do please be aware I haven't had experience with this kind of thing, I'm just going to say what I'd do.
The first thing, don't be mad for crying. I mean, everyone needs to show some emotion & I've always been sensitive myself and felt weak at times but the truth is it helps. If your father has seen you're upset, it might make him think about what has happened, though it might not. Even so, don't be afraid to vent your feelings once in a while as its perfectly normal. :-)
Firstly, as annoying as it sounds, apologise to your dad. When I have fallen out or rather had a disagreement with my parents, I'll take an hour to myself to cool off, calm down & reflect a bit but nothing moves on until either myself or my parents have come to say sorry. You might want to just apologise simply. Just "I'm sorry" and see what his response is.
If he also apologises, you might want to just carefully add your point by saying "I'm just worried about you", and hopefully you can talk it out.
If his response is a nod, or silence or just "ok". Its best to just leave it at the apology.
You clearly love him & I can see exactly your point, but if he gets agitated about the issue, you might want to leave it a few days before trying again.
Other suggestions I have are to try and go sight-seeing & going to places that either don't sell alcohol or only sell weak types.
Once you are back home you could try and get medical help for him but if he doesn't want to change his lifestyle, that might be too risky.
The best you can do is talk it out really.
If you apologise, the sooner, the better.
I hope that helps a little bit. :-)
I'm very sorry to hear about your situation as it sounds quite difficult. I can offer some advice, but before I do please be aware I haven't had experience with this kind of thing, I'm just going to say what I'd do.
The first thing, don't be mad for crying. I mean, everyone needs to show some emotion & I've always been sensitive myself and felt weak at times but the truth is it helps. If your father has seen you're upset, it might make him think about what has happened, though it might not. Even so, don't be afraid to vent your feelings once in a while as its perfectly normal. :-)
Firstly, as annoying as it sounds, apologise to your dad. When I have fallen out or rather had a disagreement with my parents, I'll take an hour to myself to cool off, calm down & reflect a bit but nothing moves on until either myself or my parents have come to say sorry. You might want to just apologise simply. Just "I'm sorry" and see what his response is.
If he also apologises, you might want to just carefully add your point by saying "I'm just worried about you", and hopefully you can talk it out.
If his response is a nod, or silence or just "ok". Its best to just leave it at the apology.
You clearly love him & I can see exactly your point, but if he gets agitated about the issue, you might want to leave it a few days before trying again.
Other suggestions I have are to try and go sight-seeing & going to places that either don't sell alcohol or only sell weak types.
Once you are back home you could try and get medical help for him but if he doesn't want to change his lifestyle, that might be too risky.
The best you can do is talk it out really.
If you apologise, the sooner, the better.
I hope that helps a little bit. :-)
Original post by mediageek123
Hi
I'm very sorry to hear about your situation as it sounds quite difficult. I can offer some advice, but before I do please be aware I haven't had experience with this kind of thing, I'm just going to say what I'd do.
The first thing, don't be mad for crying. I mean, everyone needs to show some emotion & I've always been sensitive myself and felt weak at times but the truth is it helps. If your father has seen you're upset, it might make him think about what has happened, though it might not. Even so, don't be afraid to vent your feelings once in a while as its perfectly normal. :-)
Firstly, as annoying as it sounds, apologise to your dad. When I have fallen out or rather had a disagreement with my parents, I'll take an hour to myself to cool off, calm down & reflect a bit but nothing moves on until either myself or my parents have come to say sorry. You might want to just apologise simply. Just "I'm sorry" and see what his response is.
If he also apologises, you might want to just carefully add your point by saying "I'm just worried about you", and hopefully you can talk it out.
If his response is a nod, or silence or just "ok". Its best to just leave it at the apology.
You clearly love him & I can see exactly your point, but if he gets agitated about the issue, you might want to leave it a few days before trying again.
Other suggestions I have are to try and go sight-seeing & going to places that either don't sell alcohol or only sell weak types.
Once you are back home you could try and get medical help for him but if he doesn't want to change his lifestyle, that might be too risky.
The best you can do is talk it out really.
If you apologise, the sooner, the better.
I hope that helps a little bit. :-)
I'm very sorry to hear about your situation as it sounds quite difficult. I can offer some advice, but before I do please be aware I haven't had experience with this kind of thing, I'm just going to say what I'd do.
The first thing, don't be mad for crying. I mean, everyone needs to show some emotion & I've always been sensitive myself and felt weak at times but the truth is it helps. If your father has seen you're upset, it might make him think about what has happened, though it might not. Even so, don't be afraid to vent your feelings once in a while as its perfectly normal. :-)
Firstly, as annoying as it sounds, apologise to your dad. When I have fallen out or rather had a disagreement with my parents, I'll take an hour to myself to cool off, calm down & reflect a bit but nothing moves on until either myself or my parents have come to say sorry. You might want to just apologise simply. Just "I'm sorry" and see what his response is.
If he also apologises, you might want to just carefully add your point by saying "I'm just worried about you", and hopefully you can talk it out.
If his response is a nod, or silence or just "ok". Its best to just leave it at the apology.
You clearly love him & I can see exactly your point, but if he gets agitated about the issue, you might want to leave it a few days before trying again.
Other suggestions I have are to try and go sight-seeing & going to places that either don't sell alcohol or only sell weak types.
Once you are back home you could try and get medical help for him but if he doesn't want to change his lifestyle, that might be too risky.
The best you can do is talk it out really.
If you apologise, the sooner, the better.
I hope that helps a little bit. :-)
Unfortunately the island we're on is very fond of their alcohol so besides church there isn't much of a safe haven, and not being the religious type there aren't many places I can get him to go that don't serve alcohol. He won't go anywhere without a taverna or something, although I don't feel that's just because of alcohol I think it's more to do with general amenities.
I have tried apologizing before and he accepts it he's just un-willing to change, which in some ways I appreciate as we all live our lives our own way. My main point to him is that it's easier for him NOT to have a drink than it is for me NOT to notice him drinking and ignore all the health warnings I have been bombarded with about the dangers of drink etc.
The worst thing is that even though he will drink a lot he still maintains fairly competent, and it just feels like he needs to be intoxicated to be around my family.
One thing it's sometimes hard for us to see, is that although they are our parents, they're just regular people too. They have weaknesses and worries, just as the rest of us do.
You can give your Dad as much help and advice as you like, but until he's willing to help himself, you are simply smashing your head against a brick wall.
This probably isn't the advice you want to hear, but if it were me I would quite firmly tell my Dad I am making these points because I care for him and because I don't want to see him waste his life away, but that I'm tired of wasting my time and energy trying to make him see that and therefore I won't bother any more, but when he's ready to accept my help, he just needs to ask.
Right now, while your Dad doesn't see his issue or doesn't want to see it, all you'll do is push him further away, because your comments are constant reminders of what he doesn't want to know.
You have tried to help your Dad, but unfortunately you can't force someone to see sense.
You can give your Dad as much help and advice as you like, but until he's willing to help himself, you are simply smashing your head against a brick wall.
This probably isn't the advice you want to hear, but if it were me I would quite firmly tell my Dad I am making these points because I care for him and because I don't want to see him waste his life away, but that I'm tired of wasting my time and energy trying to make him see that and therefore I won't bother any more, but when he's ready to accept my help, he just needs to ask.
Right now, while your Dad doesn't see his issue or doesn't want to see it, all you'll do is push him further away, because your comments are constant reminders of what he doesn't want to know.
You have tried to help your Dad, but unfortunately you can't force someone to see sense.
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