The Student Room Group

Used to live with domestic abuse

When I was growing up, my parents had a very bad relationship. They would regularly argue, and sometimes this would escalate into threats of violence from my father and then sometimes physical violence. I honestly think this had a big impact on me growing up: I used to cry quite frequently, which gave me a strange reputation at school, self-harm, and then I began to get chest pain and experience panic attacks in sixth form, which I didn't think was related but then suddenly went away when I went to university.

My parents now live separately but still see each other, and my mother turns to me to complain about her relationship, which I find difficult to deal with. I have tried to explain the effect of their relationship on me once in the past, which I found really, really difficult, but when I have she got really angry and says I should stop blaming everything on their relationship (which was a strange response to me since I'd never brought it up before).

My mother has experienced anxiety and depression, and sometimes I think this can manifest itself in being very critical of me, in a way which I've learnt recently from my friends is very overly critical and excessive. She's upset that I don't come to visit her more often but I find it very hard to live with her when she acts like this. My father has anger management issues and is generally very emotionally distant, so I find it quite hard to live with him either, but he lives in the area I lived in growing up. At the moment I'm staying with my sister, but then I'm quite far away from my friends and I'm not sure it's an option in the long term.

Should I seek counselling or other help for what happened when I was growing up? Is it still worth doing it now their relationship has cooled and I'm at university? And what should I do about living with my parents in the holidays or confronting my mother about her relationship now?
Hi
I am glad you got in touch. Living with violence as a child can have a huge impact on us and what you describe is all totally normal in terms of a reaction. Self-harming, anxiety, chest pain, panic attacks are all common symptoms for someone who has experienced something like that and can be classed as 'post traumatic stress'.

It is not appropriate for your mum to talk to complain about this, and it must be really hard for you to have to hear that. You were really brave trying to tell her how you felt. Sometimes parents are not aware that their children were so affected by what happened, or sometimes they feel guilty and don't want to admit the impact it may have had.

I think it would be really good for you to get some counselling now. You should be able to get that through your uni. It would be a good time to do it as you have some distance from the situation. I think staying with your sister is also a good idea, at least in the holidays. In terms of talking to your mum, I think it best to leave that for now and work it through with your counsellor. They can help you with how you feel, what you would want to say and can support you with whatever happens.

In terms of where you live when you leave uni, that will depend on what you want to do. Perhaps you can get a house share with some friends? Try not to worry about that now, just focus on coping with how you feel now and getting some support. The way you are feeling is totally normal but it does not always have to be like this, there is so much support out there for people who have witnessed domestic violence. You don't have to go through this alone,
take care
Jo

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