read my story and help me write better

here it is please give me feedback and tell me how to make it better

The vibrations of the slim Samsung pressed and *1- jiggled all over the inside of his jeans pocket against his thigh, but the alarm was unnecessary. *2- He was already awake, and had been for the past several hours in which the time was spent unproductively wrestling and turning over to each side of his bed, unable to beds headboard and rubbed his eyes out of habit and looked up at his tacky plain ceiling. He took several deep breaths and eased himself out the bed, making as little noise as possible. He reached into his pocket and turned off the alarm. He should have done it straight away, but his mind was away with the fairies. His bag was already packed from the night before, even though he’d been assured that he wouldn’t need much. He squatted down and reached underneath his bed, dragging the black rucksack out as discretely as possible and double checked. Everything he needed was in there. Nothing exciting, just some sandwiches and water and *3- his already paid for train ticket and ipod. He stretched and let out a yawn, *4- and slipped into his trainers and headed out. There was no point wasting any time, he thought as he *5- Slowly tip-toed through his bedroom door, taking care to close it without making much noise. Down the corridor and through another set of doors, entering the living room momentarily to then turn left into the kitchen. His house, well his parents’ house *6- he should say, was weird. The front door led directly into a tiny little room (it wasn’t really a room; it had the fridge and freezer in and led to the kitchen). They had always complained about that, and wanted to *7- move. He had told them this was a stupid reason to want to move, and they should just accept that they wanted to move because they all lived in a crappy council estate with crappy schools and crappy jobs and crappy everything. Funny how he would be doing the moving first. The front door was the worst, *8- as it would make a massive creak when it opened that his parents and siblings would surely hear. That’s why the night before he’d placed a small bit of wood at the bottom, letting the door slouch ajar. He hopped out and the cold fresh air *9- splashed against his face, and he slowly closed the door back to its ajar position. Strolling down the driveway, he turned around and looked at his house. He would not be gone forever, and vowed to see his parents again in the future. The semi-detached, run down house stared back at him, the place he had called his home for 17 years. But he would have a new home, and it would be better than this. And he was going for all the right reasons, he knew that. At least that’s what his brother had been telling him for the past 6 months, constantly persuading him to make the trip until finally he’d agreed. He missed his brother and it would be great to see him again. Plus there was no future here. *10- get any sleep. He was already dressed, navy blue denim jeans and a blank white t-shirt and socks with the images of the Simpsons family sat down on their couch. He slouched up and rested against his

*1- "Jiggle" is usually used as a verb for something jelly-like, it implies that the phone was wobbly, as opposed to just vibrating.
*2- Try to avoid run-on sentences, they tend to annoy readers and are best avoided unless you're going for a particularly in-depth description of something. This one can be cut into two.
*3- "His already paid for ticket" feels a little bit awkward in the middle of the sentence. I'd just leave it as "ticket" and let the reader assume that since he has the ticket, it's probably been paid for.
*4- no need for this "and".
*5- Capitalisation.
*6- Since the character isn't actually speaking, this reference sounds a little too informal and makes the reader think about the narrator, rather than the character. I'd just use "really" here instead.
*7- the repetition of "move" here feels a little clunky. The repetition of "crappy" feels intentional though and works fine.
*8- Here, "would" is making a prediction about the future, but since the character has worked away around the creaky door, it's best avoided. I'd go with something along the lines of "the door always creaked loudly enough to wake anyone in the house" or something to that effect.
*9- "Splashed" works best for liquids, not totally suitable here.
*10- Doesn't make sense here - Presumably the last few sentences belong earlier in the story when he's still in bed.

This seems like a pretty good opening, sets up some tension for the story and gives us a nice scene to establish his relationship with his family. I'd only use "his brother" once, and after that, use the brother's name. The use of "he knew that" tells us that he's certain, but that's undermined in the next sentence by "at least", so I'd remove one or both phrases.

Good setup but it's a little bit short to use for an overall critique on your work.
I hope this much has been helpful.

Thanks for taking the time out to do that for me. it was really helpful, i'll take everything you've said on board