The Student Room Group
Uni students - Complete our survey >>
Uni students - Complete our survey >>
Uni students - Complete our survey >>

Bad memories from when my gran died in hospital etc was this abnormal or is it common

It's been nearly a year since my gran died and I was thinking back to when she died in hospital (she had sepsis and was in her 80's anyway) and I can't stop thinking about the several things me and family could have done better. For example the days before she died we were basically forcing her to eat even though she was closing her lips tight, at one point she shook her head to say no. There are 3 nurses in our family (her daughters) but they didn't know/accept she was dying they kept thinking she was being neglected by the staff when the staff kept saying she was refusing to eat. My gran kept pulling her drip out in a state of confusion (antibiotics to fight the sepsis) and the staff wouldn't send her to intensive care they said she wouldn't benefit due to her age so my family were constantly questioning this. We would go and hold her drip in on visits making sure she got the antibiotics.

She had type 2 diabetes (managed by diet/meds) and her sugars were slightly high so a doctor administered insulin and it sent her too low. Another doctor said it wasn't the best decision and my family were constantly moaning about it to each other (not to the staff). They also put her on thickener fluid (had to be added to her water) as they said she wasn't swallowing and one of my aunts (who happens to be a psychiatric nurse) was annoyed saying that she can't even enjoy a drink of water. We were advised not to push food on her but we did anyway the staff just gave up on us and left us to it lol.

Basically we only accepted that she was dying hours before she did (after the consultant spelled it out to us). We were all then sat around her bed (she appeared more or less unconscious really for days) arguing about who was going to stop with her that night. No one wanted to stay the night basically (we didn't know when she would die) but it turns out no one had to stay the night after all she died an hour later when everyone had gone to the cafe for a drink! I'm just thinking about all the hassle my gran went through being force fed by us, us holding the drip in when she was trying to yank it out, then potentially hearing us all argue hours before she died because no one felt like staying the night! My 3 aunts are usually arguing anyway so I suppose at least she had some familiarity lol.

I just feel tight looking back being part of that but are these kinds of things common when people die or do most families handle things like this a lot better??
Original post by civilstudent
..?


Hey, sorry about your gran.
I kmow you say you have nurses etc in the family, but it is so hard to see what is right in front of you when it is family.
Like you say, you didn't notice until it was spelt out to you by another health care professional. It is so difficult to see those signs, especially if you arent regularly involved in palliative care.
It is expected to feel guilty or like you could have done more when a family member dies. We always like to think we could have done things differently. But unfortunately we cannot change the past.
And your gran would have known you were worried and just trying to do what was best at the time.
Hope your family is okay.



Posted from TSR Mobile
Everyone deals with things differently, but i would be like you and regret what could've been done, but it's too late so just be grateful she's out of pain and hopefully with time you'll come to terms with everything too. Sorry for your loss x
I just feel tight looking back being part of that but are these kinds of things common when people die or do most families handle things like this a lot better??

You have to look at it this way. Put yourself in your Gran's shoes and think how she must have been thinking. Inside she would be grateful. She only gave some reations due to the pain but that is completely normal! Really she would be thankful that she had her family around her, that they were trying everything that they could. You have to come to realise that it was obvious that the way you were acting showed your love towards here, I know it may not seem like it but it did, and I bet she knew that. When my Nan was ill (she had three different cancers and type 1 diabeties and many other things I never wanted to remember), I knew that I never wanted to see her in hospital. I seemed to get away from any memory of her in hospital but then for the last year and so she ended up having to get a hospital bed in her house and I just remember her looking so tired and helpless. She kept a smile on her face but you could tell the pain.

Keep your head held high and just keep trying to remember all the positive moments with your Gran.

In question to ,'is it abnormal', No, it's not. When one family member died my dad had no reaction but a year or so later became very sad about the loss.
(edited 9 years ago)
Original post by civilstudent
It's been nearly a year since my gran died and I was thinking back to when she died in hospital (she had sepsis and was in her 80's anyway) and I can't stop thinking about the several things me and family could have done better. For example the days before she died we were basically forcing her to eat even though she was closing her lips tight, at one point she shook her head to say no. There are 3 nurses in our family (her daughters) but they didn't know/accept she was dying they kept thinking she was being neglected by the staff when the staff kept saying she was refusing to eat. My gran kept pulling her drip out in a state of confusion (antibiotics to fight the sepsis) and the staff wouldn't send her to intensive care they said she wouldn't benefit due to her age so my family were constantly questioning this. We would go and hold her drip in on visits making sure she got the antibiotics.

She had type 2 diabetes (managed by diet/meds) and her sugars were slightly high so a doctor administered insulin and it sent her too low. Another doctor said it wasn't the best decision and my family were constantly moaning about it to each other (not to the staff). They also put her on thickener fluid (had to be added to her water) as they said she wasn't swallowing and one of my aunts (who happens to be a psychiatric nurse) was annoyed saying that she can't even enjoy a drink of water. We were advised not to push food on her but we did anyway the staff just gave up on us and left us to it lol.

Basically we only accepted that she was dying hours before she did (after the consultant spelled it out to us). We were all then sat around her bed (she appeared more or less unconscious really for days) arguing about who was going to stop with her that night. No one wanted to stay the night basically (we didn't know when she would die) but it turns out no one had to stay the night after all she died an hour later when everyone had gone to the cafe for a drink! I'm just thinking about all the hassle my gran went through being force fed by us, us holding the drip in when she was trying to yank it out, then potentially hearing us all argue hours before she died because no one felt like staying the night! My 3 aunts are usually arguing anyway so I suppose at least she had some familiarity lol.

I just feel tight looking back being part of that but are these kinds of things common when people die or do most families handle things like this a lot better??


I think the way you are thinking and feeling is normal. Everything you and your family did was to help your Grandma because she meant so much to you. I'm sure she would be pleased at what you did for her and would have understood that it can't have been easy for you all to have seen her like that (especially when you said your family were arguing about not wanting to stay the night. It's completely understandable). I still think back to the past and the times when I have lost people. My Mum died from Sepsis and it made me angry at the time that hospital staff wouldn't take her to Intensive Care as there was nothing better they could do there than on the ward she was on. Looking back it makes sense but I think that when you're in the situation you just want answers and results even if they are unrealistic. It's 2 years since my Grandma and 3 years since my Mum and they are on my mind a lot. You might have heard this a lot, but it does get easier. Have you spoken to your family about how you're feeling? They might have a lot of the same thoughts and feelings as you about the situation. Hope this helps x
OP, I think you'll always wonder what you could have done differently, and whether you did the right thing by your gran here, but everything you did were things you were doing to try and help her and I'm sure she'd have understood that. And by the sounds of it, she was too ill for anything to really help her so nothing you did would have made things worse either. You did all that you could, but she was probably beyond your help unfortunately. It's natural to want to feed someone if you hear that they haven't been eating, and it's natural to try everything you can to try and save someone you love even if you know deep down that there's nothing you can really do to help them.

My granddad died 5 and a half years ago, when I was 15, and although we all knew he had cancer and was very ill, it was still very hard to accept that he was going to die when he told us about 5 days before he died. Even when he told us, we were under the impression that he still had a few months left, and I think he was too, but he was deteriorating way too quickly. My parents told me that I didn't have to see him in hospital again if I didn't want to and I chose not to because I found it very upsetting and I didn't want to remember him like that. To this day I still beat myself up about it sometimes and feel selfish, even though I know that me being there wouldn't have made the slightest bit of difference to his condition.

It doesn't really hurt much less with time when you do think about it, but it does get easier to deal with and you'll feel the pain less often. Try talking to your family about it because chances are they might feel the same about it all. Hope this helps :smile:

Quick Reply

Related discussions

Latest

Trending

Trending

Articles for you