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Abusive Family - can't get over it

I've never spoken with anyone about this before. I'm 23, an only child, and when I was growing up my parents were dysfunctional on so many levels.

My father bullied my mother relentlessly. Many of my Saturday mornings were spent with us sitting round the kitchen table in an exhausting deadlock of their arguments. I often felt like I had to be there because I feared for her safety. When I was much younger I used to listen to them after I was meant to be in bed. I hated it but I couldn't stop listening.

On one occasion he hit her. Another time, he smashed a painting. He threw us out of the house. Her reaction to him used to make me as angry as he was and although I never did, I felt like physically hurting her much more than him (even writing this is making me angry). She used to try and argue back but he just used to shout louder.

He also stopped her from seeing her family and some of her friends so she had to do it secretly. She didn't bring me because it would have been harder to hide and she didn't want to involve me in the lie. He also doesn't speak to his family so I don't know my extended family at all.

When I was in my late teens, I became the focus of his anger too and he said that I was becoming just like her. Grades are important to both of them and they made my life so miserable as I progressed through school and didn't fulfil their expectations. Every argument at this point seemed to be about me but they would also then bring up every quarrel they had ever had.

He once repeatedly screamed that I was a little c*** and he was more angry than I had ever seen him, it scared me. When I told him a couple of days later that he had said that to me, he said he couldn't remember and I think maybe he was telling the truth which was still more disturbing. He once threatened to 'beat me black and blue' with a bamboo cane.

I always felt isolated at school because there was no one I could tell. All my friends seemed to have normal families and I could never invite them round to my house. I also frequently couldn't socialise with them outside school because they wouldn't drive me or give me the bus money which sounds trivial but meant I couldn't ever get out of the house when I really needed to.

I left home the minute school finished, doing any job I could to make ends meet. I applied to university the year before last.

At home things have calmed down a lot which I think is partly due to me being at university and doing well. I hate going home and find myself making excuses not to call even though I know they miss me. Neither of them seem to realise the effect that it has had on me, that I'm only now starting to recover, how terrible and depressed I felt for years while they dismissed it.

Now they seem to think that I'm the most intelligent, strong and confident person when a few years ago, they were tearing me down. They don't realise that I don't feel that way at all and that in my daily life I feel like I hold myself back from things which I want because of my insecurities. I resent that everything is fine now because I've done what they wanted when really I'm not fine at all.

I don't really know what I'm looking for. I wanted to get it off my chest because I've been thinking about it recently. I also wanted some advice as to how I can get over it and stop it from affecting me so much. I mentioned that he doesn't speak to his family but I don't want it to be like that with us. Despite all of this, they're the only family I have. I don't want to bring it up with them because I don't want to dig everything up and I'm not sure if it would help anyway.

I'm also frightened of becoming like them. Sometimes I feel myself becoming incredibly and unreasonably aggressive like him and other times I feel down-trodden, worthless and exhausted as she is now.

I'm sorry this post is so long and all over the place, I hope you can make sense of it...
Hi
I am really glad you posted. It sounds like you had a very difficult childhood. Experiencing abuse at home can have long-lasting impacts on us. The feelings you are having are totally normal given what you witnessed and went through. I know this doesn't make it easier but it may help to know that.
It is also easier to 'blame' or feel angry with the parent who was the victim of the abuse as this is safer than to blame the person doing the abuse. It can also be hard for children to understand why the victim 'puts up with it' as it's really hard for them to understand the complexities of abuse, and the dangers involved in leaving. You also had a lot of abuse directed at you, and also a lot of pressure to succeed academically which must have all combined to feel very scary and stressful.

It's great that you are now at uni, you are obviously doing really well. It's hard though having to try to cope with this alone and not let out how you are feeling. Perhaps your parents do know deep down that you were hugely affected but don't want to admit it. That is not ok, but it may be a coping mechanism to keep from admitting what happened and how they each feel about it.

I think you would really benefit from some counselling to talk through what happened, how it felt then and how it is affecting you now. Your life does not have to be defined by what happened, and you do not need to become like either one of your parents. But, don't try to get through this alone, there is a lot of support out there. You will be able to get counselling via your uni or GP. Try to focus on your future and what you want to do after uni.....talk to your friends perhaps about what happened as that will help. It may also help to try things like mindfulness or meditation, or some kind of exercise to help release stress when you are finding things particularly tough and to focus on the present and how well you are doing.

I hope some of this helps! Come back here to chat any time,
take care
jo

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