What has my life become?
11th August 2014
I’m upset. Just went out for a walk, and literally my mind had a recollection of all the things in life that got me here. Just hours ago at home, Mum and sister were planning what to get little sister for her “congrats” GCSE results that she’ll be getting in two weeks. That’s lovely. What a contrast to what I got. Mum went away, so my year 11 was plagued with cooking 3 different meals for baby, dad and the kids, going to school and weekends at a hospital with a sibling. My year 11 was filled with stress from school and working twice as hard for not grasping English (moved from Lithuania). My year 11 was filled with lost opportunities and not being able to excel in coursework as I didn’t have time to do outdoor activities that were include in the module. Then when I got results, that were pretty good considering, I got “oh, only 1 A*?” from Dad. Same with AS. And when mum came back, any little thing/behavioural issues with my little brother was blamed on us.
Then year 13 I got all mixed up and I guess that’s where my depression started. Missed my last Chemistry exams due to fainting. Missed A grade and got a B instead. Gap year. Trusted people. Who broke my trust a year later. Met new people in uni. More people betrayed me at the end of year one. I ended up living with a random family. Isolated. Deep depression. 2012 – s attempt. Left uni. Tried to go on a holiday to see my best friend back home. Find out she died two months ago.
Went back to uni year later having had to work as I gave my savings to someone who needed it. Sat year 2 exams. Bleh. Average. Year 3 ensues. I promise to do better and work on my depression. I isolate myself form people so I can work on solely uni. Start gym. Depressed, but still working hard. Achieved 69% in Semester A and mostly 1st/2.1 in coursework. Functioned for about 3 days out of a week before I crash each week. So lectures were not attended.
March 2014 – deadlines finished. April 2014 – bronchitis and eye infection. So I postpone exams. Depressed. Lithuania for 2 weeks in May. Come back. Make notes. Make more notes. Make more notes. Depression. Make notes. Good so far. July 2014 – Ramadan. I do it. In hindsight shouldn’t have. I do it regardless. Fatigued. Cannot study whilst fasting for 18hours a day. Deep depression. Ridiculous. August 2014 – order L-tyrosine online. Help with my sleeping completely. Happier. But all the work better start. Overwhelmed.
Revision timetable: instead of exams being week apart like they were in summer, they are back to back. That’s how they treat August sitters. Evil.Few days before first exam. Anxiety. Panic attack – sharp pain on my left hand side. Sad. And here I am. What has my life become. I can’t even talk to anyone. Because I blame them. I blame myself also. It took a lot to wear me down in life. But I think it has finally happened.
Next step: I spilled all this. Revise for the next two weeks. Then see what happens. Life. I hate you. God, I rather you kill me than me to feel like this every day.
I’m upset. Just went out for a walk, and literally my mind had a recollection of all the things in life that got me here. Just hours ago at home, Mum and sister were planning what to get little sister for her “congrats” GCSE results that she’ll be getting in two weeks. That’s lovely. What a contrast to what I got. Mum went away, so my year 11 was plagued with cooking 3 different meals for baby, dad and the kids, going to school and weekends at a hospital with a sibling. My year 11 was filled with stress from school and working twice as hard for not grasping English (moved from Lithuania). My year 11 was filled with lost opportunities and not being able to excel in coursework as I didn’t have time to do outdoor activities that were include in the module. Then when I got results, that were pretty good considering, I got “oh, only 1 A*?” from Dad. Same with AS. And when mum came back, any little thing/behavioural issues with my little brother was blamed on us.
Then year 13 I got all mixed up and I guess that’s where my depression started. Missed my last Chemistry exams due to fainting. Missed A grade and got a B instead. Gap year. Trusted people. Who broke my trust a year later. Met new people in uni. More people betrayed me at the end of year one. I ended up living with a random family. Isolated. Deep depression. 2012 – s attempt. Left uni. Tried to go on a holiday to see my best friend back home. Find out she died two months ago.
Went back to uni year later having had to work as I gave my savings to someone who needed it. Sat year 2 exams. Bleh. Average. Year 3 ensues. I promise to do better and work on my depression. I isolate myself form people so I can work on solely uni. Start gym. Depressed, but still working hard. Achieved 69% in Semester A and mostly 1st/2.1 in coursework. Functioned for about 3 days out of a week before I crash each week. So lectures were not attended.
March 2014 – deadlines finished. April 2014 – bronchitis and eye infection. So I postpone exams. Depressed. Lithuania for 2 weeks in May. Come back. Make notes. Make more notes. Make more notes. Depression. Make notes. Good so far. July 2014 – Ramadan. I do it. In hindsight shouldn’t have. I do it regardless. Fatigued. Cannot study whilst fasting for 18hours a day. Deep depression. Ridiculous. August 2014 – order L-tyrosine online. Help with my sleeping completely. Happier. But all the work better start. Overwhelmed.
Revision timetable: instead of exams being week apart like they were in summer, they are back to back. That’s how they treat August sitters. Evil.Few days before first exam. Anxiety. Panic attack – sharp pain on my left hand side. Sad. And here I am. What has my life become. I can’t even talk to anyone. Because I blame them. I blame myself also. It took a lot to wear me down in life. But I think it has finally happened.
Next step: I spilled all this. Revise for the next two weeks. Then see what happens. Life. I hate you. God, I rather you kill me than me to feel like this every day.
