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violent abusive uncle
I really dont know what to do. When i was young (about 5) i was abused by my uncle. He isnt blood related to me, he married my mum's sister. I think he used her as she was very vulnerable at the time and they broke up after a few years. Around the time he married my aunt, my mum was hospitalised and was close to death, and my dad was unsuitable to look after me because of an alcohol problem, so I lived with my aunt. She worked long hours so I was left alone with my uncle for long periods of time.
He was very violent and used to throw me down stairs and punch/kick me for little things like waking him up by accidentally falling against a door etc. I had visible bruises and cuts, but my aunt ALWAYS covered for him. Towards the end of the time i stayed with them, the violence stopped but he would still threaten me at night and tell me he'd kill me - which terrified me as I was only 5 and scared of him anyway. He said he'd kill me and my mum if i told anyone about the abuse.
I moved back with my mum and i tried to tell her but he and my aunt denied it all. I knew they would have anyway. Hes now divorced from my aunt, and my aunt is estranged from the family after an argument with my mum. I never told my mum exactly how bad the abuse was.
I dont know what to do. I still get flashbacks and panic attacks now (I'm 18) and i'm not sure if its still valid to report to the police. I told my best friend and she thinks i should make a statement as he could do it to someone else. But can he still be charged for this?
He was very violent and used to throw me down stairs and punch/kick me for little things like waking him up by accidentally falling against a door etc. I had visible bruises and cuts, but my aunt ALWAYS covered for him. Towards the end of the time i stayed with them, the violence stopped but he would still threaten me at night and tell me he'd kill me - which terrified me as I was only 5 and scared of him anyway. He said he'd kill me and my mum if i told anyone about the abuse.
I moved back with my mum and i tried to tell her but he and my aunt denied it all. I knew they would have anyway. Hes now divorced from my aunt, and my aunt is estranged from the family after an argument with my mum. I never told my mum exactly how bad the abuse was.
I dont know what to do. I still get flashbacks and panic attacks now (I'm 18) and i'm not sure if its still valid to report to the police. I told my best friend and she thinks i should make a statement as he could do it to someone else. But can he still be charged for this?
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what a bastard. tell the police, even if they cant help your particular case at least they will have a record of it, so at the end of the day you could end up helping someone else. i wish i could give you some good advice but i dont really know what to say, hope things get better for you, you deserve everything to work out after all that you have been through.
Yes he can.
Report him to the police. You can do it anonymously if you want but don't let him get away with it.
Report him to the police. You can do it anonymously if you want but don't let him get away with it.
first of all can I just ask what you want to do. Do you want to tell the police or would you rather have counseling (or both)?
No one on here is qualified to give you advice about whether he will be prosecuted or not. I know its very difficult but your friend may have a point there, and there may be a chance that it may happen to someone else. perhaps it may help you decide bearing that in mind.
No one on here is qualified to give you advice about whether he will be prosecuted or not. I know its very difficult but your friend may have a point there, and there may be a chance that it may happen to someone else. perhaps it may help you decide bearing that in mind.
With regards to reporting to the police, yeah that is the 'correct' thing to do, but after 13 years they cant really convict him of anything. Yes it may protect him from doing it to others, but I fear it may important to protect number one at the moment.
If you would (and I hate to use an american-ism) obtain closure by reporting to the police then yes, do it immediately.
I personally doubt if being dragged through it again in a very detailed, potentially very traumatic way, will be helpful to you while you are obviously hurting so much. The other side is that your parents would be forced to face it again, as would your auntie, which could make it very difficult in the short term.
I think the first thing it is important to do is get yourself some counselling. Talk to someone about it, who is unrelated, who is not trying to protect anyone, and who just wants to help you get over it. Tell them everything, and give yourself chance to move on. You may find that in time you feel ready to speak to the police, and will be in a strong enough position to do so.
You are very brave to be thinking about facing it. Telling your friend was a very big, and very important step. Admitting that was part of your life is vital, and the first stage of moving on...the next step is to try and put it where it belongs, in the past. If this involves talking to the police, then do so. If this involves seeing a counsellor, do so. Do whatever is right for you at this moment, as you have been carrying around this heavy burden for a long time.
I know I have given a very different view to the majority of people will, I have my reasons.
I hope it all works out for you.
If you would (and I hate to use an american-ism) obtain closure by reporting to the police then yes, do it immediately.
I personally doubt if being dragged through it again in a very detailed, potentially very traumatic way, will be helpful to you while you are obviously hurting so much. The other side is that your parents would be forced to face it again, as would your auntie, which could make it very difficult in the short term.
I think the first thing it is important to do is get yourself some counselling. Talk to someone about it, who is unrelated, who is not trying to protect anyone, and who just wants to help you get over it. Tell them everything, and give yourself chance to move on. You may find that in time you feel ready to speak to the police, and will be in a strong enough position to do so.
You are very brave to be thinking about facing it. Telling your friend was a very big, and very important step. Admitting that was part of your life is vital, and the first stage of moving on...the next step is to try and put it where it belongs, in the past. If this involves talking to the police, then do so. If this involves seeing a counsellor, do so. Do whatever is right for you at this moment, as you have been carrying around this heavy burden for a long time.
I know I have given a very different view to the majority of people will, I have my reasons.
I hope it all works out for you.
You have a point. It is really difficult for me to talk about but when I look back, I hate him for it. And I dont want him to have the chance to do it to someone else. It would give me a sense of justice. Im constantly paranoid and frightened that I'm going to bump into him again because he still lives in the area.
I already have a psychiatric nurse who comes to my house but thats for different reasons (I attempted suicide a few months ago and I have a problem with self harm and depression). We talk about things, but I never really mention the abuse because it hurts too much.
But as I've said, I dont want him to get away with it and I dont want another child to suffer because I didnt say anything
I already have a psychiatric nurse who comes to my house but thats for different reasons (I attempted suicide a few months ago and I have a problem with self harm and depression). We talk about things, but I never really mention the abuse because it hurts too much.
But as I've said, I dont want him to get away with it and I dont want another child to suffer because I didnt say anything
surely the suicide atempt, depression and self-harm are all linked in some way to what happened to you. Even though i would be really hard to talk about it, it might help you in the long run to get it out of your system to someone un-biased and who's job it is to listen and help.
The police can still charge him, once you report him it may well be that other victims speak out against him. There have been cases where people have been jailed for historic child abuse after 20 years or so.
But if you really can't face that, then please get some counselling to try and put this horrible experience behind you.
But if you really can't face that, then please get some counselling to try and put this horrible experience behind you.
Whilst you don't tell anyone, you're allowing the abuse to control you. In a sense, that's almsot like "letting him win". It will be hard to talk about the first time, and you will find it hard to cope with. But after that, it will get so much better.
Writing it down here is a great start. If you don't feel you can tell anyone, could you print that off and show someone?
If you do decide to go to the police (and that is your choice. You don't have to if you don't want to/can't face it. And if you don't go now, you can change your mind later) then they will have special people trained in this kind oif thing.
You are in control now, and no one can force you to do anything.
Writing it down here is a great start. If you don't feel you can tell anyone, could you print that off and show someone?
If you do decide to go to the police (and that is your choice. You don't have to if you don't want to/can't face it. And if you don't go now, you can change your mind later) then they will have special people trained in this kind oif thing.
You are in control now, and no one can force you to do anything.
Anonymous
You have a point. It is really difficult for me to talk about but when I look back, I hate him for it. And I dont want him to have the chance to do it to someone else. It would give me a sense of justice. Im constantly paranoid and frightened that I'm going to bump into him again because he still lives in the area.
I already have a psychiatric nurse who comes to my house but thats for different reasons (I attempted suicide a few months ago and I have a problem with self harm and depression). We talk about things, but I never really mention the abuse because it hurts too much.
But as I've said, I dont want him to get away with it and I dont want another child to suffer because I didnt say anything
I already have a psychiatric nurse who comes to my house but thats for different reasons (I attempted suicide a few months ago and I have a problem with self harm and depression). We talk about things, but I never really mention the abuse because it hurts too much.
But as I've said, I dont want him to get away with it and I dont want another child to suffer because I didnt say anything
then I think you already know what you want to do. maybe a first step could be to discuss it with the nurse? or perhaps if you don't feel you can do that then maybe consider going to the police station with you friend? you're still very much affected by it and although I can't be of much help I think if you manage to make a step towards confronting what happened then you may find things get better. Either way its going to be a difficult process but you have a friend whos willing to support you and that will make a big difference.
Of course ideally you could report him to the police and he'd get convicted, but since it's so long ago it will be very difficult since it's your word against his. Is there any way you could get your aunt to testify against him, now that they've broken up?
You are in control now, and no one can force you to do anything.
Thats the important thing, its up to you.
One of the best things you can do is get it off your chest, telling your friend and coming on here. As the anon poster above said, it takes a lot of bravery to face it.
Do what is best for you.
jesus i feel bad for you, the guy is scum. If your still getting flash abcks and panic attacks then maybe you should seek consulling.
As for him, sod the police they probably wont do much if anything. Get a few bigger more abusive men to go round to him and "impress" upon him the error of his ways in beating up women and children
As for him, sod the police they probably wont do much if anything. Get a few bigger more abusive men to go round to him and "impress" upon him the error of his ways in beating up women and children
They can charge him even after these 13 years...
You should report this to the police- I would say more - you're obliged to this. What if he will do it to another people too? - Not only children but adults as well.. You say that you're even now at age 18!! Have memeroies and panic attacks out from this period - and the best way to cure it, would be reporting it to the police- so that you would be sure that he cannot hurt you anymore - it works on the basis of subconsciousness. Especially if he isnt related to your family - what's the problem.
It's a big step, I know to just say: "Ho ho go to the police" - I know, but it's the best thing you can do about it.
You should report this to the police- I would say more - you're obliged to this. What if he will do it to another people too? - Not only children but adults as well.. You say that you're even now at age 18!! Have memeroies and panic attacks out from this period - and the best way to cure it, would be reporting it to the police- so that you would be sure that he cannot hurt you anymore - it works on the basis of subconsciousness. Especially if he isnt related to your family - what's the problem.
It's a big step, I know to just say: "Ho ho go to the police" - I know, but it's the best thing you can do about it.
My brother in law went to the police last year about being abused at the age of 12, the guy admitted to it when he didn't know the police where listening in, and he has been sent down for 23 years, even though the abuse happened almost 20 years ago. When he came forward loads more boys did, they had all been abused by their scout leader, and some of them went on from that to getting counselling and proper help. Whether you choose to go to the police or not, if you do it is their job to investigate what you say, and they will probably offer you counselling which your uncle could actually be made to pay for. There are lots of helplines for things like this that can offer support and tell you were to get help, I hope things work out well for you
Seems like you're a bit ultra sensitive and considering it was just physical abuse then you should really get over it. If you're 18 you should have the balls to stand up to him should you ever see him again. It happened 13 years ago... perhaps what you really need help with is your mental state including your suicidal tendencies. It sounds like you have alot of problems in your life and have had in the past so perhaps talk about everything and not just your uncle... the whole going to the police thing seems a little pointless and time consuming and you could even come back feeling worse than you went in. What if they say there is no evidence but they question him..? He will then know that you have made a complaint potentially causing a revival of old problems. Let sleeping dogs lie imo because especially in this case you have very little to go on should you choose to go to the police.
Just try and get your head straight and concentrate on what is good about your life. You really shouldn't be worrying about flashbacks especially if it's just violence in your past.. I mean hell we've all been physically harmed badly in the past but you put it all down to experience.
My advice: get your head straight and talk to someone about it. Say if you talk to your mum then you can't (unfortunately) seek much retribution because it just isn't on the cards. So forget about trying to press charges. Talk to your mum / whoever and just tell them how you feel and they'll be bound to help you. I think that this is just an overlying factor that you are attributing all your problems to.. you should really get it straight in your head before doing anything. What is it really that makes you depressed / self harm? If it is all down to your uncle then that's fair enough but I have a feeling that there are other factors here... including your dad's alcohol problem? Family problems perhaps caused by departure of said-aunt?
The physical abuse stuff just isn't enough for me.. perhaps that and the fact you felt betrayed by your family for not supporting you the whole way? I'm fishing here but perhaps it's your family life generally you're unhappy with..
Correct me if I'm wrong
Just try and get your head straight and concentrate on what is good about your life. You really shouldn't be worrying about flashbacks especially if it's just violence in your past.. I mean hell we've all been physically harmed badly in the past but you put it all down to experience.
My advice: get your head straight and talk to someone about it. Say if you talk to your mum then you can't (unfortunately) seek much retribution because it just isn't on the cards. So forget about trying to press charges. Talk to your mum / whoever and just tell them how you feel and they'll be bound to help you. I think that this is just an overlying factor that you are attributing all your problems to.. you should really get it straight in your head before doing anything. What is it really that makes you depressed / self harm? If it is all down to your uncle then that's fair enough but I have a feeling that there are other factors here... including your dad's alcohol problem? Family problems perhaps caused by departure of said-aunt?
The physical abuse stuff just isn't enough for me.. perhaps that and the fact you felt betrayed by your family for not supporting you the whole way? I'm fishing here but perhaps it's your family life generally you're unhappy with..
Correct me if I'm wrong
FeedTheGoat
Seems like you're a bit ultra sensitive and considering it was just physical abuse then you should really get over it. If you're 18 you should have the balls to stand up to him should you ever see him again. It happened 13 years ago... perhaps what you really need help with is your mental state including your suicidal tendencies. It sounds like you have alot of problems in your life and have had in the past so perhaps talk about everything and not just your uncle... the whole going to the police thing seems a little pointless and time consuming and you could even come back feeling worse than you went in. What if they say there is no evidence but they question him..? He will then know that you have made a complaint potentially causing a revival of old problems. Let sleeping dogs lie imo because especially in this case you have very little to go on should you choose to go to the police.
Just try and get your head straight and concentrate on what is good about your life. You really shouldn't be worrying about flashbacks especially if it's just violence in your past.. I mean hell we've all been physically harmed badly in the past but you put it all down to experience.
My advice: get your head straight and talk to someone about it. Say if you talk to your mum then you can't (unfortunately) seek much retribution because it just isn't on the cards. So forget about trying to press charges. Talk to your mum / whoever and just tell them how you feel and they'll be bound to help you. I think that this is just an overlying factor that you are attributing all your problems to.. you should really get it straight in your head before doing anything. What is it really that makes you depressed / self harm? If it is all down to your uncle then that's fair enough but I have a feeling that there are other factors here... including your dad's alcohol problem? Family problems perhaps caused by departure of said-aunt?
The physical abuse stuff just isn't enough for me.. perhaps that and the fact you felt betrayed by your family for not supporting you the whole way? I'm fishing here but perhaps it's your family life generally you're unhappy with..
Correct me if I'm wrong
Just try and get your head straight and concentrate on what is good about your life. You really shouldn't be worrying about flashbacks especially if it's just violence in your past.. I mean hell we've all been physically harmed badly in the past but you put it all down to experience.
My advice: get your head straight and talk to someone about it. Say if you talk to your mum then you can't (unfortunately) seek much retribution because it just isn't on the cards. So forget about trying to press charges. Talk to your mum / whoever and just tell them how you feel and they'll be bound to help you. I think that this is just an overlying factor that you are attributing all your problems to.. you should really get it straight in your head before doing anything. What is it really that makes you depressed / self harm? If it is all down to your uncle then that's fair enough but I have a feeling that there are other factors here... including your dad's alcohol problem? Family problems perhaps caused by departure of said-aunt?
The physical abuse stuff just isn't enough for me.. perhaps that and the fact you felt betrayed by your family for not supporting you the whole way? I'm fishing here but perhaps it's your family life generally you're unhappy with..
Correct me if I'm wrong
I think this is hugely insensitive. You say that she* shouldn't be having flashbacks if it is 'just violence' in her past. Physical abuse can be extremely traumatic, sometimes as much so as sexual or emotional abuse, paticuly (sp?) if it is over a sustained period of time and the abuser is someone you should be able to trust. And yes, most people will expierience some form of physical harm, but a lot of people can't just 'put it down to expierience' and will need some form of counselling, wether professional or not. This is only my opinion, but i don't believe that many people would be able to 'just get over it'. While I do agree that only a small percent of people suffer the effects that the op has so long after the event, that dosen't make her 'ultra-sensitive', and I don't think that the abuse is just an 'overlying' factor. It is likely that the op may feel betrayed by family, and that has exacabated (sp?) the problem, but i don't believe it to be an equal cause.
Asice from that rant (sorry, but after being physically abused that post made me very angry), I have to agree with someone else who posted....go to the police if you think it will bring you closure, or if you believe any others to be at risk. Otherwise I'd avoid it...charges are unlikely to be pressed and it could prove more stress then its worth, but at the end of the day thats up to you.
*i don't know if the op is a she but it was easier than writing he/she all the time : )
chloemo14
I think this is hugely insensitive. You say that she* shouldn't be having flashbacks if it is 'just violence' in her past. Physical abuse can be extremely traumatic, sometimes as much so as sexual or emotional abuse, paticuly (sp?) if it is over a sustained period of time and the abuser is someone you should be able to trust. And yes, most people will expierience some form of physical harm, but a lot of people can't just 'put it down to expierience' and will need some form of counselling, wether professional or not. This is only my opinion, but i don't believe that many people would be able to 'just get over it'. While I do agree that only a small percent of people suffer the effects that the op has so long after the event, that dosen't make her 'ultra-sensitive', and I don't think that the abuse is just an 'overlying' factor. It is likely that the op may feel betrayed by family, and that has exacabated (sp?) the problem, but i don't believe it to be an equal cause.
Asice from that rant (sorry, but after being physically abused that post made me very angry), I have to agree with someone else who posted....go to the police if you think it will bring you closure, or if you believe any others to be at risk. Otherwise I'd avoid it...charges are unlikely to be pressed and it could prove more stress then its worth, but at the end of the day thats up to you.
*i don't know if the op is a she but it was easier than writing he/she all the time : )
Asice from that rant (sorry, but after being physically abused that post made me very angry), I have to agree with someone else who posted....go to the police if you think it will bring you closure, or if you believe any others to be at risk. Otherwise I'd avoid it...charges are unlikely to be pressed and it could prove more stress then its worth, but at the end of the day thats up to you.
*i don't know if the op is a she but it was easier than writing he/she all the time : )
I guess some people are stronger than others?
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