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My boyfriends' parents are far more generous than mine

They are always giving me stuff, they've bought me some lovely presents, and for our new flat they're giving us a lot of their old furniture.
For my boyfriend's birthday (once they forgot and didn't buy him anything, one Christmas they didn't either) they've bought him chocolate, socks, aftershave, some wine, stuff like that.

It was the same with my ex boyfriend, they never bought him anything big to memory, or sometimes nothing, but neither did his parents for me as I remember.
But my boyfriends' parents are so generous and giving, and I am so embarrassed. Every time I go there, his mother is like oh do you want this cream, oh this dress doesn't fit me, would you like it? They've spent a lot of money on me.
I've tried to offer them money and stuff, but they don't take it. For our flat, my parents gave us some tea towels, a photo frame and a blu ray player, but I feel like it's nothing in comparison.
My parents live in a different country, but I am just so embarrassed and ashamed. Once my Mum bought my boyfriend a packet of cigs as a present :s
My boyfriends' parents let me stay there for 3 weeks no problem, wouldnt take money or anything, though I did a bit of cleaning and babysitting.
My parents, on the other hand, were not happy after my boyfriend had been at our place for a few weeks and asked him to find another place, though they don't mind a week or a few days.
My boyfriend said my Mum was 'looking away when he spoke', and seemed rude. But my parents have invited my boyfriend on holiday with us 3 times, they always ask about him, and they've taken him to restaurants. (They only see him every few months, because I have moved to my boyfriends' country)

I just feel embarrassed about all this, and it's only after my boyfriend told me this in an argument that I truly realised. I am going to talk to my parents and tell them how I feel. Has anyone else ever experienced this? I don't want it to come between us :s thanks a lot.

Reply 1

Holby_fanatic

To be honest I don't see why your parents should continually buy your stuff. If you've moved into a place of your own together then you should buy your own cream. Maybe his parents are over-giving but that doesn't mean that your parents should be too.

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

They are so generous, more than I have ever seen before. During this argument, my boyfriend said, look at what my parents have bought you, and then look at what your parents have bought me. I try to buy his parents a lot of presents too, and when I am there, I try to help with cleaning and stuff. I don't want them to think I am taking advantage or something :s
And I put the apostophe in the wrong place on 'boyfriend'. I only have one boyfriend :s

bump

Original post by Anonymous

bump

In arguments so much is said, sometimes the truth. Sit down with your parents, ask them to be nicer to him maybe, but don't compare what is given etc. Yours do live in another country, perhaps less bonding.

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Reply 5

Slazenger

Original post by Anonymous

this kind of scorecard talking is only going to end badly.

there's no reason parents should be donating/giving/paying for things to the extent that his parents are. it's odd. it's not like you can control your parents' actions, is it?

Reply 6

Kvothe the Arcane

It is lovely that his parents are generous. I'm not one to say "AHHH, PARENTS SHOULD ABANDON THEIR KIDS WHEN THEY REACH 18" but I don't think your parents are required to give him anything just as his parents are generous to you.
But if they are a bit rude, perhaps a talk would be nice.

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

Original post by SMEGGGY

Yeah, they've never been mean to him or something like that. A couple of years ago, he stayed with us for about 3 weeks and my Dad got a bit pissed in front of him, I was so humiliated :s but since then, my Dad has been fine with him.
His parents, especially his Mum, are so friendly by nature. She is always saying she loves him, he's her baby, stuff like that, but the relationship I have with my parents is nowhere near like that.
Some people in general have said my Mum is not very friendly, and I think it's just how she comes across. He said his parents don't have that much money, but they still spend a lot on me. But yeah it's true, I've spent a lot more time with his family than he has with mine.

Reply 8

Anonymous #1

My Mum is often tired and she can come across as a bit cold, even with me. Sometimes when I go back to visit, she looks like she's not that pleased to see me, and I know she is, it's just her nature. She's not smiley by nature, sometimes my Grandma says my Mum is shouting at her, but it's just the way she is. My Dad is also quite quiet, I mean when he's been around my friends in the past he's polite with them, but it's not like they got on great or something. I've tried to explain this to my boyfriend, because they really have no problem with him. They are always asking how he is, about his work etc., and they always invite him on holiday as I said...

Reply 9

doodle_333

your boyfriend sounds like he's being a dick... neither of your parents are obligated to give you anything, and you don't give presents to receive one in return, my boyfriend will probably spend half as much on my birthday as I spent on his - I'm not going to have a strop about it, it was my choice to give the gift I did and I don't expect anything in return, and certainly not an equal expenditure, it sounds really spoilt to be expecting your parents to give him loads of stuff

if he thinks your mum doesn't like him because of her behaviour that's a separate issue (and it doesn't sound like he has much evidence for that) but different people have different priorities and different amounts of money, it sounds like your parents have already given you plenty and had him to stay for ages! my mum would ask for money if my boyfriend stayed for a long time because guys eat A LOT and she couldn't afford it, it's got nothing to do with liking him or not

if you think your mum is actually rude you could talk to her about that but don't tell her she needs to be more generous as that is just ridiculous and you'll probably hurt her feelings given she is being plenty generous enough

Reply 10

Anonymous #1

Original post by Bubbles*de*Milo

Your boyfriend's a bit twattish; why is he chastising you over how generous (or ungenerous) your parents are? Is it a competition? Why do your parents need to buy him stuff anyway? They've taken him out for dinner, they've invited him on holiday.. what else is he expecting? :curious:

He's not in a relationship with your parents, he's in a relationship with you. He sounds spoiled and unappreciative, as do you somewhat tbh.

Yeah, I probably do sound like that :s I do really appreciate them letting him stay in the past, and the other things they've done. I've never even had any issue before until the other day when we had a huge argument and my boyfriend told me all of this stuff. He said that his parents don't have that much money, but they still give me so much stuff.
I don't expect anything from them at all. It's really kind of them to offer us furniture, but I know that they could even sell it and get money, and they won't accept money from me because they always reject it when I offer...
yeah, I might tell my boyfriend again.. thanks..

Reply 11

hotliketea

i don't think your parents are obliged to buy him anything tbh... i mean , any present for christmas or a birthday is lovely , you can't complain about it :') sometimes my boyfriend's mum forgets to buy me things , but it doesn't bother me at all - she wishes me happy birthday , and i get a card , and that's all i want tbh

you're obviously old enough to have moved out and be living together , so shouldn't your boyfriend be past the whole like "i've only got 2 presents this year! last year i had 3!" dudley-esque scene?

Reply 12

syrettd

I think it's kind of bad that your boyfriend used that in an argument. All parents are different, why do your have to equal his? If your parents were more generous than his, I doubt he'd like to be told that his parents should buy you more things because your mum bought him lots of nice things. It's not a competition. I think you should just try and forget about it, although if you genuinely feel your mum is sometimes rude to your boyfriend, maybe have a quiet word.

Reply 13

Anonymous #1

Original post by doodle_333

thanks for the reply..... it's just that my Mum is really not a friendly friendly person, she doesn't have many friends herself. I think she can come across as abrupt, but it's just her. One of my best friends a few years ago said she found her rude :s
It was the same with my ex, I mean they invited him for dinner, restaurants, just the same thing really. They were polite with him when we met and that's all. They weren't best friends.

Reply 14

JuliusSeizure

marry him and they`ll be your parents too

Reply 15

Who?Knows

You can't force your parents to spend money on him and he's just going to have to accept that. As others have said, it is you that he is dating. What if you had no parents? Would he not date you then? Giving gifts is something you do because you want to not because you're expecting something in return.

Reply 16

stargirl63

Tbh OP, I am in the exact opposite situation. My parents are very inviting and will bring my bf along places, my mum likes to make a fuss over him when he comes over etc. His mum barely does anything for me. I think she has built up a lot of resentment given that we both come from different backgrounds (she is a single mum living in an estate with him and his brother (different dads) and my family are close nit and have a 4 bedroom house in the suburbs). It doesn't bother me, however I have realised it makes him feel a little embarrassed as well. For example, when my parents have taken us out, my dad has treated and paid for us all, whereas when I have never been out with her or the family and we just get a take away from the chicken shop outside, which we all have to pay for our £3.99 meals separately. I appreciate that there is a financial gap, however the gap is not as small as £3.99, so I personally found this a little stingy, but no hate, since there is no obligation for her to buy me anything.

But anyway, my mum wanted to buy my bf something for his birthday, which was actually more than what his own mother was spending on him. My mum expects us to be treated fairly (which is only natural as a mother), so she felt that if she gets him a nice present, his mum would get me something back in return, I knew his mum wouldn't buy me anything due to her financial situation or otherwise, and I told my mum to just get him a card for his bday, and after a lot of persuading, she did. I don't mind that his mum doesn't get me anything, it's not her job to and she doesn't need to, which is what I had to drill into my own mother's head that she herself DOESN'T NEED TO either.

In saying that OP, I would NEVER EVER bring up that type of thing in an argument, because it's very very rude and I wouldn't be in a position to know all the facts of why this is happening to be making comments - and neither should your bf.

I feel that in certain situations, parents really should match each other when it comes to treatment, or generosity, otherwise it can come across as them not liking the other party, or not supporting the relationship etc.

I get what everyone else is saying above that you shouldn't give to receive, however it can seem a little disheartening if you're the only person giving and giving, whilst the other is taking and taking and even worse if you feel guilty with a load of stuff thrown at you which you didn't ask for when you can't return it.

OP, if it bothers you, then reject it. Say you can't accept anymore since they have already been so good to you. Or return the favour in kind? Cook for them etc? It doesn't have to cost a lot of money, so long as you're appreciative of their efforts.

(edited 9 years ago)

Reply 17

doodle_333

Original post by Anonymous

then to be honest your boyfriend just needs to suck it up, some people aren't the friendliest, it's not like he has to spend all his time with her, just be a bit patient when needed